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Wow, it's like we're linked somehow because you have typed out the thoughts I have had
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I had never understood how common food issues are until i joined this group a few years ago. I started Atkins about 5 years ago the first time. I turned to food after a long difficult divorce. I began Atkins and it helped, at the time i thought cured, the binge eating I discovered. It helped me with the cravings.
At the time it stopped all the food cravings, which used to be sugar and carbs. It had done this as well up until about a year or so ago when I quit smoking trying to improve my health again. Atkins was a Godsend! I gained only about 8 lbs. Throw in numerous health problems and countless surgeries i found myself back to food again. Only, what I've noticed is except for the binges that would include fruit, never was it potato chips, cake, candy etc like years ago.
After I was fully done with smoking, no cravings whatsoever, i still found myself wanting the food.I seemed to switch one habit for another. This one, the eating, has left me an emotional mess and reeling from losing control.
I had been walking several miles a day. It seemed to help, but didn't totally take the wanting to eat. It helps with the "using" up the energy I would put into eating. But, when home, like any other addict, it wakes up. I'm taking physical therapy currently for previous surgeries and pain has kept me from continuing to walk. I walked till it was impossible to keep going. I am hoping to get back to walking again soon.
What I have wondered is after years of success and feeling great, and saying i want it more than anything, how can i not kick this again, live clean from carbs and get back to not using food. Like tonight. I ate dinner, a very nice lc dinner. It was also more than enough to fill me up, normal serving, and yet i cant turn off the Rolodex in my mind thinking what is in the fridge that I can eat..wondering if i am in ketosis, if I'm not what would eating hurt anyway..talking to myself. Lol. Just being honest. Its the feeling of having an angel one side whispering to me that you can do this, your doing great, and then having the devil say come on, just a taste, or you've already messed up the day go ahead..make sense to anyone else?
Consoling, no. Haven't done it. I have begun reading several books on food and behavior. What I find helping the most is being honest with myself, putting it all in my journal here. Getting it out. I find myself going back and reading things and thinking things thru. Helps.
I just always remember hearing myself say I'd "give up anything, or do anything" to ever be "her" size, when i see someone walking down the street. But, we are given that chance, we know what to do and I was just trying to be honest with myself and admit to ME that apparently I wont "do anything" because I haven't been changing my "habits or behavior" and yet i keep saying i "want this" so badly.