While I am not quite at the 100 lb loss mark, I can say that I feel younger than I did 5 years ago. I remember that the grocery store across the street was an olympic feat to take on when I was at my heaviest. Sometimes, I would get out of breath just eating.
I recall having to wake up just to roll over, refusing to go into a restaurant, and telling myself I just hated crowds, preferring to eat in the car, or my own home, when the truth was I was ashamed, felt like a spectacle, and dreaded the looks, not fitting in the designated dining spot. I knew then, how my child must have felt having friends come over, and meeting his Mom, how he acted so great and cool, but must have been so embarrased, but unable to show it, or say anything to me, lest he hurt my feelings. I know what it feels like to drive on your tippy toes because the distance between your gut and the steering wheel is so immense that it's all you can do to fit behind the wheel. I know what it's like to barely be able to tend to my own bathroom needs (sorry), and convincing myself it's bad shoulders, or hips, or whatever.
I know how naked and abased it felt to have my gut hang out of my long untucked shirts, and that awful feeling when talking to someone and their eyes can't help but dart down, and you both know it, but pretend like nothing happened. For me, though I have so far to go, it is like burying my old, dying self, the girl who gave up, and pretended she didn't care.
Now, I don't have to pretend I don't care, not because I look great ( much to lose still) but having lost as much as I have, I know I can, and that the ability to get up out of the chair without using my arms as a personal hoisting machine, or walking 5k and being confident enough to start he walk, knowing i can get back under my own power, has been worth every bit of work it has taken. I feel human again. I feel possible. I feel hopeful. I can do this.
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