I just read a post by someone saying that her 3 year old already knew that candy can make you fat.

I just had to go somewhere and kinda share my thoughts on the "fat" topic. I avoid using the word around my children and let them know in no uncertain terms that large size is referred to as big....which pretty much encompasses any adult and is alot less hurtful when used. I also let them know that, once someone is an adult, they can eat anything they want whenever they want ...and that some people like to eat things that other people dont. They (after more than a year of exposure to my conversations with others), still dont know that LCing is about weight loss for me. They simply think that carbs upset my stomach. They've been told that a "diet" is simply the type of food someone chooses to eat....not that it's about weight loss. So, yes...mommy is on a diet...but so is everyone else in the world, including them.

Why do I approach it this way?

Because I've been the recipient of looks, and laughs, and wayward little children's comments (and no...I dont blame them for having commented on my weight...they certainly didnt know any better). Regardless of intent, comments about weight to those who are sensitive are going to hurt.

I'm not saying that it's bad for a child to view candy as something to be used sparingly. I tell my own children that it can hurt your teeth and make you sick if you have too much. I simply think that people who have children...especially those who know what it feels like to be self conscious about weight...ought to find ways to educate their children a bit more carefully.

It's not about older children who already know what's appropriate and what isnt...it's about the little guys, who need to be guided and taught some tact. A young child will say to someone eating a candy bar.... "dont you know that candy bars make you fat?" Not a big deal, maybe, to a thin person....but maybe enough to bring a sensitive overweight person to the verge of tears.

My kids know that candy bars are treats and eaten rarely...but it would never dawn on them to comment to someone eating one. They'd simply think it was that person's time for a special treat (regardless of their size). My 3 yr old might say..."dont eat too many or you might get sick"...I can live with that. Beats the heck out of "ya know...that'll make you fat".

Cant we just teach kids that minimizing the junk food is a healthy way to eat instead of telling them that too much makes you fat.

They grow up and are exposed to society's prejudices quickly enough...why start them down that road as toddlers.

Sorry...just had to vent a bit. Done now.

Hiya, I agree. I never use the fat word around my three year old twins, I don't think it's productive or helpful. I remember feeling terrible once when a friend reffered to her son and fatty....I thought why the heck put that thought into his tiny mind?? I told her off at the time and vowed that when I had kids they would never hear that from me, even if they did grow up to be a little bit rounder than the norm. The thing is, we can so easily create problems with our children with thoughtless comments.
My girls are educated in eating nice healthy foods, they get sweets or chocolate on special occasions or if we are in an environment where other kids are eating that kind of thing, which happens to be less than once per week. I think sweets should be an occasional thing and not like some folk use them as a bribe every day or a reward for good behaviour 3 or 4 times a day like my friend uses them.
Good post and you made some very valid points.

For me sweets were a treat, I never had chocolate bars, like kids do now. It was always a few penny sweets, I was allowed crisps (potato chips). My mum would somethings make fairy cakes or a one jam tart. Or an apple crumble for pudding for all of us.
Things like Nutella were a treat when we were on holiday and I was only allowed fizzy drinks with sunday lunch, a christmas or if we went to the pub with their friends.
I can count on one hand the number of times I went to McDonalds with them.
The trouble was that to me, eating junk and chocolate was an act of rebellion and it got my addicted to it. I had a healthy diet when I grew up, though I didn't eat veggies. My mum made my eat cress or lettuce everyday. And I loved tomato based sauces too.

I go to the supermarket now, and kids are being bought, bags of doughnuts, huge bottles of frizzy drinks, huge 100gr bars of chocolate, ice cream, pizza, white bread and they are fat already.

It works with other things too. My Aunt calls her son (now 19) 'horrible' and 'terrible' and 'horror' etc., instead of his name. Eg, "Hey, Horror, come over here for a minute".

It's resulted in him not doing anything she asks now. Because, well, he's horrible either way so why not do things his way? Maybe that works with fat too - you either develop a complex and barely eat or, well, you're destined to be fat anyway so why change?


I have to say I'm the same. My mum kept me away from processed foods and other junk and when I began feeding myself, it was all those 'treats' I went for. Like I'd been deprived.

I really don't know what I'd do with my own kids, I hope to keep them away for chocolate bars and things but don't want them to end up like me - seeing all my friends eating that stuff and wondering why I was stuck with a yoghurt (and no spoon bc I always lost them lol). I was told they were treats .. so why shouldn't I be treated as much as everyone else? I behaved, mostly lol.

e

P.S. My mum's happy I've now made the backflip and go for proper foods over takeaways and soft drinks.

Maybe their act of rebellion will be to eat healthy food!

Just as a quick aside...my primary point was that parents can get the basic messages about food choices across without teaching their children to believe that the word "fat" can/should be used freely. It's a word that hurts both intentionally and unintentionally...and little children dont have the capability of distinguishing when it might hurt and when it wont.

A small child doesnt understand that pointing out a "fat doggie" while strolling through the park ...and pointing out a "fat lady"... arent the same thing. The dog wont care...the lady will. So instead of pointing out the "fat" doggie to your child...point out the "big" doggie.

I simply think that people need to realize how powerful words are and make choices to avoid hurting others by watching how we...as adults...use the language every day....at least in the presence of impressionable children who dont recognize some of the social nuances that express themselves through language.

Teach your children that some people are bigger than others...not fatter. Tell them that certain foods are treats because they might damage your teeth or upset your tummy...not that they'll make you fat. It's just a word that can come back to haunt you in a public situation. You'll hear your child use it at some point and have to cringe because you realize someone's feelings just got hurt though it certainly wont have been the little one's intent.

Zajack -- I really admire and respect your thoughtfulness and sensitivity on this topic -- and I absolutely agree with your approach. If only more people were this way, the world would be a much better place.

What I'm wondering, sadly, is what happens when young ones are around all the other children (their peer group) who have not been taught these things and they hear how those children judge others and make fun of those larger than the "norm"?

Eventually, we all hear/see how insensitive collective society treats/talks about those bigger than others and it is not pleasant. How do we teach children to deal with that?

You have to deal with that as it happens...but for children who aren't in school...i think it benefits them to start their lives not seeing "fat". My hope is that their initial impressions will have a mitigating effect on their reactions as they grow and are exposed to the world. I've had to talk to my 6 year old about using the word fat and commenting on peoples weight and size simply because he's exposed to things like that now on a fairly regular basis in school. He doesnt seem nearly as focused on size and "fat" as some of his peers do. While some of them will look at an obese person and comment in awe (actually have seen this happen on a field trip)...Zach seems to basically shrug it off as "well...that's just what that person looks like...so what?" I'm merely hoping he continues to view the world with a bit more acceptance than many people show.

Personal opinion...I'm not so sure it's the word that's the problem. It's the negative connotations attached to it and labeling people in a negative way. Maybe we should teach our kids not to label people instead of teaching them which labels are more acceptable than others?
Is saying, "that person is big" better than saying, "that person is fat"? They are both labels but one has a negative connotation to it and the other usually doesn't. I'm not sure I'd feel any better having a child look up at me wide-eyed and saying, "wow...you're really big" than I would if they said, "wow...you're really fat"; both statements tell me that I'm perceived as different because of my size regardless of what word they choose to describe it.
As for my kids, I try to teach them that words can hurt and pointing out to someone that something about their appearance makes them different can be hurtful no matter how nicely you say it. I also try to teach them that what someone looks like on the outside is not nearly as important as what's on the inside; in other words, it's a person's character that matters and you can't judge that without getting to know someone first so it's better to reserve judgment about someone until you get to know them first and better still to not say something about what a person looks like unless it's a compliment.
It all goes back to the old saying, "If you can't say something nice about a person, don't say anything at all".

BTW...kids don't always get picked on and singled out because they're overweight. My youngest is in 5th grade but she's 4' 1" tall and weighs 60 pounds soaking wet. You guessed it..she gets picked on because she's little (or as we prefer to say, 'concentrated' ).

I agree, it's not the word, but the tone that would be insulting... and I'm sorry, if I am fat and a kid blurts it out... well, the truth hurts sometimes.

I remember when I worked in the pre-school, the little boy I was keeping in line looked up at me and said, earnestly, "Mrs. E. You is FAT, yes you is....." Before I had a chance to react, the little girl in the back of the line piped up in my defense..."Oh, YEAH? My Granddma's fatter than HER!!!" All I could do was tell them "No talking in the hallway" and stifle my laughter until I got them to the room.

He wasn't setting out to insult me, he was just making an observation, as kids do. If he were my child, I'd have taken him aside and told him that people come in all sizes, and while differences are all perfectly normal and good, COMMENTING on those differences is rude. It's one of those things kids learn over time, most readily from the example set by their parents. Kids learn SO much more readily from watching how we act than being told.

My uncle recites this "horror" story often about one time when I was in his arms and we were getting off the train, I looked back, pointed and yelled "that man's fat!".

Now this obviously scarred his because he's still telling the story today and I don't even remember it lol. But, I've obviously learnt not to do that anymore. I stopped doing it back in primary school when I instead went to the other extreme and felt pity for larger people and 'befriended' them. Lol. Hey, I was 9!

But I wonder, if I hadn't "become one of them", would I still be so tactful? I spoke to a guy earlier this year and was talking about someone using words like "larger" etc, and he asked if I'd ever been larger. When I said I had, he said he can tell, simply because of the tactful way I speak about them.

What was my point? Oh yes, maybe you only truly become tactful when you're in the same position as it's the only way you'll fully understand their interpretation. I was always a skinny kid. Even now my mind initially thinks "why is that person fat? Can't they just eat healthy and exercise more?" and then reality hits me again.

What about others? Do you judge others harshly sometimes then realise you could be judging yourself?

e

Interesting thread! It really brought back a memory for me.

When I was in grade school I made a new friend at school, her name was Carol, and she was a bit chunky for a child in that day and age. Her family was new in town so my parents invited her family over for a visit and glass of iced tea. Carol's Mom was a very large woman and she sat on a little green loveseat we had. After awhile, the love seat sort of cracked and she fell into it............

Both of my parents rushed over and started apologizing profusely saying "oh we shouldn't have let you sit there, the kids were playing on it and broke it last night".

I started to say something in our defense as it was totally untrue and I remember getting the LOOK from my folks that meant "SHUT UP". Later that night at dinner, one of my brothers started laughing about it and he was promptly sent to his room.

I remember my parents being very stern and strict about what we were allowed to say about other people and corrected our attitudes along the way. I remember pompously coming home from school one day (after a civics lesson regarding English as a second language) and announcing "people should have to speak English in our country". My father promptly sat me down for an inpromptu history lesson and explained how spanish had been spoken here longer than English and native Indian languages even longer.........so who was I as a person of European descent to have attitudes like that?

Thanks for the memory

Orchid

I remember "the look" VERY well!

I think you learn tact through examples like THAT, more than having been overweight yourself. Some of the most judgmental people I know about why people are fat are those who've BEEN fat and lost weight. <shrug>

My father was morbidly obese. I sometimes think we hurt him more by tap-dancing around the fact we were embarassed to have a Dad so big he could hardly leave the house. We learned early on in life that discussing his weight at ALL was taboo... had we been allowed to be honest, I can't help thinking, he might have gotten help before it was too late.

But that's a different ramble....

Interesting! Nowadays your parents would just be dismissed as being "politically correct".

Frightening isn't it, that people who show concern for the feelings of others are labeled and laughed at by people who are free of the burden of empathy.

That reminds me of the time that my DH came home from the grocery store with our two daughters (then 4 and 5) and pulled me aside to say, "be careful what you say in front of the girls". I asked what happened and it turns out that a few days before that someone cut me off on a busy street causing me to have to slam on my brakes and I had blurted out, "Jerk! you are driving like a butthead!"
Well....someone cut in front of my DH at the store with their cart and one of my girls blurted out....loudly, of course....you guessed it..."what a jerk! He's driving like a butthead!".

Moral of the story...kids are very observant and will model what you do and say so if you want them to be polite and considerate to others the best way to ensure that isn't with lectures and careful explanations, but by example; if you treat others with courtesy and respect regardless of their gender, size, color or what they wear (and don't make negative comments about them as soon as they're out of earshot), your kids likely will too.