it is SOOO wrong for him to even THINK that let alone say it.... Honestly you are taking blame where you should NOT. Counselling or bust ... that's what I'd say. MY marriage is far from perfect but thankfully neither of us get weird on the other over weight issues or any of those things that are emotional issues we are dealing with you know!? He is attacking more than your body and you really need to love yourself more... I cannot believe he acts this way for 40 pounds overweight... in the scheme of things in life that is nothing at all.... (((HUGS)))

My ex husband said the exact same thing to me. I got so mad I lost all the weight and then, and only then told him I wanted a divorce. He was stunned! He called me years later to apologise and admitted he was wrong and that it did have more to do with his own erectile problem than anything else. He said he wanted me back. Too late sucker. I have a nice guy now who I wouldn't trade for the world.

Well, the main thing to remember is this....

I agree with everyone here. There's ALWAYS going to be someone out there more with a better this...more firm that...nicer that...he's gotta love you for you..you combination of qualities that is you...thats the only thing that can't be improved upon.

But we are all reading very much into one post on the internet...

I hope everything works out for you Cheryl!

Hmmmmmm.....well, in my experience (and Sister, I have had plenty!), there are lots of reasons why a man won't have sex with his wife/girlfriend. Low sex drive. The abovementioned erectile disfunction. Another woman.
But no man doesn't have sex with his wife just because she weighs too much. There's got to be something else. If he wants to have sex, and you're there, he'll have sex with you. It's the nature of the beast.
There are lots of ladies a lot heavier than you having loads of sex. And most of it is with their husbands.
Sometimes, and I'm not saying this is the reason, but sometimes, a man will have a lady friend. He will tell the lady friend that he wants to have sex with HER because he doesn't want to sleep with his wife because she is fat and ugly. Then he will tell his wife he won't sleep with her (wifey) because she is too fat and ugly, and conveniently gives himself an excuse to sleep with someone else. Sometimes that is what happens.

Next time he opens his mouth, tell him you know how to lose 200 pounds really fast! Then smile and walk away.

Add one more to the list....being gay! And do NOT think it doesn't happen....

This phrase sounds very familiar although my mantra for years was "diet or divorce". I didn't diet and didn't divorce. Now I have lost a lot of weight and yes, I am heading for divorce. I had forgotten this part of the putdowns. I would hazard a guess that this is not the only way he disrespects you. Please look after yourself and if you have to, get out before it completely ruins your self esteem and self confidence.

It has taken me almost 28 years but I am finally doing what I should have done many many years ago. Life really is too short to live with someone who doesn't have respect for you or your feelings.

When you marry, your spouse should be the one person you can trust to protect you and keep you from hurt. Not hurt you hisownself.

What they said, there is lots more going on here than your weight.

Get some confidence so you can ask him why he thinks you put up with such nastiness. Ask yourself the same question. Find a therapist, one that you trust. That's your first step right there - not getting on a diet in the hopes that your husband will stop being ugly towards you. Once you get some confidence, the rest will fall into place. Getting healthy is so important, but healthy is about much more than your appearance.

Best of luck to you.

Wow, the cruelty in that statement just takes me back. Please know that you are not alone. Many very beautiful people of all shapes and sizes have found themselves in your shoes with a hurtful partner, myself not excluded. I took my newborn baby when I was only 21 and walked away from an emotionally abusive man and began to heal. I'm all for fighting to keep a marriage going but all that I can think of to say is that you'd probably better get out of there because the hurting simply might not stop until you do.

But all advise aside, are you okay? It has been a couple of days and that was your only post. Are you okay? I know how much it hurts. I really really do, so please just know that you are not alone. Take a few deep breaths, maybe a nice long walk, and think about what changes you can make in your life to make yourself feel better, both physically and emotionally. The weight loss will then follow.

I have to comment on this also.

My husband said the samething to me. He said that it was both of us though. I hadn't gained more weight, but never lost. He on the other hand keeps gaining. So the deal was he was uncomfortable with himself. We got into a huge fight and almost split up. I finally made him talk about the issue and I told him I will not lose weight for him! I will not feel like my mother (my step dad does the same thing to my mom)!

So we both agreed to diet and exercise. We bought a ton of low fat foods and exercise equipment. That didn't last!

I decided to try the Atkins plan when my mother in law talked about how it worked for her. So he is low fat and I am low carb.

First week went by and he lost a lb......whoopie....I lost 5lbs. I rubbed it in....I knew it burned!!!

Things have changed a lot at home. He pays more attention to me and lets me know how well I am doing. I let him know how much I am losing...lol. When we go to a fast food place I order low carb and he orders fattening foods....I rub his budda belly!

I AM DOING THIS FOR ME AND SO SHOULD YOU!!! If you ever need a hearing ear, send me a private message!!! I am there for you and totally understand!!!

I have to chime in here...from my perspective; when you love someone for real...you love them and not their weight...
My wife is the most beautiful woman I've known not only for her outside but her "inside"...no matter what she weighs...it's her laugh, values, the way she looks at me, the little things she does for me...she really is the best thing that ever happened to me...and I would NEVER tell her I didn't want to have sex with her because of her weight...(come to think of it; most men would be glad if their wife wanted it at all!)

Just venting here...don't let it bother you....it's his problem, not yours....

bob

Great post, Bob!!!

Thanks for a male's perspective. I'm really fortunate my husband never judges me. I'm hard enough on myself for both of us!!!

What an utterly crass and cruel thing to say - and to someone he took vows of marriage to no less.

Your post reminded me of the time I was dating some guy who, when after meeting one of my younger (and thinner) sisters, told me, "you'd look so hot if you lost weight!" Talk about lack of tact. In his mind too it was meant as a compliment. I dumped him then and there. I realize your situation is different, but I'd give some serious thought to counselling. And I would definitely tell him to consult the mirror about his own self before taking judgment on you.

I think most men would not accept such cruelty coming from their wives or such a harsh ultimatum..."lose weight or I won't have sex with you." Why should women accept it when it comes from their husbands? I once met Callie Khouri (screenwriter of "Thelma and Louise") at college and she signed the lecture program with a great line from the movie - "You get what you settle for." And no one should settle for anything less than unconditional love when it comes to their spouse.

What a hurtful thing to say.......!

And what about your husband- is he all that? Is he exactly the same size that he was when you got married? I would guess that he's put on a pound or two. We're supposed to be there to support our SO, not tear them down!

Unfortunately so many people judge us on our size not on what's in our heads and hearts!

You've got to make the decision to lose weight for youself. Don't do this for him! We are all here to support you and help you along your journey - do it for the right reasons!

Good luck and lots of !
Kiks