I agree with Renkin1990, we were being supportive of YOU and the position that you were put in. Your dilema is very in line with what this board is all about. This situation is a really hard one to be in and it's you who is here, you are the person we are supporting and helping.

Dave, if I had posted what you did, I think I would have had my feelings hurt by a couple of posts too, so I understand what you are saying.

I think the problem might have been that we didn't understand from your first post that you really didn't need to change the situation, you were just looking for a place to vent about it a bit. So of course we all jump in and offer tons of suggestions, that you really don't want. Then when you tell us you don't want the suggestions, we don't know how to respond.

I also think that a theme you'll find running through many of the responses here is kind of disbelief that you can do what you are doing at all. I know for me, I just couldn't go on and off my low-carb like that, it's too hard. I've had some planned cheats, but I do them rarely and it is always a little tough getting back on track, the mental aspect is hard, I want carbs for a day or two after and it plays havoc with my mind. I think if I did what you are doing, I'd eventually lose the ability to go back on the low-carb diet. I think that might be part of what you are hearing here, a concern that eventually what you perceive to be just keeping your wife happy might lead to you not being able to lose the rest of the weight you want to lose.

So, please don't stop posting about anything and everything you want to share with us. We do care, it's just that as is said so often, this is an imperfect medium for communication and it might not always sound like we care.

Valerie

Ack sorry..

I didn't want everyone to feel bad, I did appreciate the support and some of the thoughts got me thinking. I kind of like the "pretend its worse than it is idea, so she thinks its making me sick switching back and forth." That might have some merrit.

I liked the offered idea's, some of the responces were kind of tough love stuff, and I don't think I was expecting that, and maybe took the intent wrong now that I reread it.

Please don't think the time you took to reply is wasted, Allot of it helped, Maybe even the tough love stuff.

{{Dave}}

I've written about three responses to your initial post over the last few days and deleted them all because it was hard for me not to take an overly strident response. I don't want to hurt you, I don't believe *anyone* here would wish to hurt your feelings ...

We do support you, but you'll probably find more Tough Love in the TDC than anywhere else on the forum. Only we have the intimate, personal knowledge of how size affects our health. It's not the same as if you had 20 pounds to lose. It's not cosmetic. Obesity at our level is a health hazard (as we all know). Nothing to fool around with!

The reason I have such strong feelings is because I put up with a similar dynamic for many years - and not only did it eventually destroy my relationship, but it wreaked havoc on my self-esteem and health.

My partner liked to drink and it just wasn't as much fun for her if I wasn't drinking, too. We'd make plans to quit, and do so for a few weeks, but inevitably a Friday would swing around again and she'd want us to go out for a beer. Well, one beer led to five, which led to weekend benders.

I felt trapped because I knew it put distance between us for me to choose not to participate, and I capitulated time and time again until I could not take one more day and left.

You owe it to your wife to stand up for yourself. More importantly - you owe it to yourself. If you keep making compromises that cut deeply into your health, it's going to impact your relationship. Maybe not now, but after years have passed and you develop more health problems - are you going to say “I miss my kidneys, but it was worth it to make my wife more comfortable when she wanted to eat carb-ier food“? Aren't you going to resent her as well as yourself?

Hopefully you'll see how many people here care about your welfare. It's a reality check to post a troubling issue and hear a chorus back of folks who think you could be making a big mistake just to accept the status quo. Again, I'm sorry that's hard, but we owe it you, our TDC brother, to tell you the truth as we see it.

Let love win hands down. Love yourself and love her by following through with your plans to eat healthier. She's gotta do what she's gotta do ... but so do you!

Keep on posting. Your thread is 100% on topic, as far as I'm concerned - it's an issue for a lot of us. Keep taking chances, because none of us want to be rough with your feelings - we just want to give you the best support and feedback we can.

Take care and best of luck to you and your bride,

JustDave: I'm very sorry if what I said made you feel uncomfortable.



I thought you were asking for suggestions, as well. (and sorry, folks, I've just realized that I barged into the TDC, just saw this posted as a "new post" and thought it was an interesting topic.

However, if I posted a question about something that was causing me a problem, I would not want to simply hear "there, there, here's a pat on the shoulder". I'm more of a "life is real, life is earnest, get a grip" sort of advice giver. Reality therapy.

I agree that your post was 100% on topic. And we all care about you, whether or not we are in the TDC or not.

I'll shut up now, and go watch fireflies.

Kay

Tough love is... well, tough.

The first time I experienced it here, I think I felt a bit like you do. It was only later that I realized that these people understood my problems--sometimes better than I did. Not only do many of them understand my problems--they've solved their problems and know how hard it is--but also what works.

I'm glad you reread some of the posts, because I know that every single person had YOUR best interests at heart.

Dave,

I guess I have a hard time understanding about "having fun" and eating junk. I go out to pizza joints regularly with my kids and wife as they both enjoy pizza. I love salads and love chicken wings, so that's what I have.

I'm like the alcoholic with "just one drink". Replace "drink" with "piece of pizza". Im a sugar-a-holic or carb-aholic and I can't do this yoyoing around.

I'm planning to eat pizza once again - one maintenance. Until then, I've still got 46lbs to lose.

Do you want to eat this stuff? If you don't then you don't need to be confrontational; how about "that's not what I WANT to eat, I would much rather ENJOY ________."

Men usually need a sledge-hammer to the head to get the point - women usually get the point with subtle hints. And I know head injuries *drool*, *drool*.

Written word is a tough medium to convey emotion and tone. It's tough to understand what someone wants without some dialog.

Keep us informed and since you love your wife, approach the communication of your feelings in a loving manner and if you need to crank up the heat, move it up a little more firmly until you get the feeling that the message is getting accross.

This is not easy; I usually get snappy and irritable after a few subtle attempts and go too far. Then I feel bad. Yoiu know what feels right, so go with the flow, but make sure your feelings are not suppressed. A number of people have had the expereinces in that area and you really don't want to go there.

Keep in touch and keep workin' at it.

Tom.

Dave, I'm new to the site and read alot/post some. But I can relate with you as many here can. My husband is 6'2'' and 180lbs. He eats what he wants Pizza, chips...everything. Last night he went to the grocery on his way home from work. In the bags? Cheetos, chips, Doritos, just junk. And I like that stuff. But, I'm not eating it. Try some "tuff love" with your spouse, just say "no" to the pizza "fun". Let her have the pizza. Get something really extravagent to eat. You won't feel left out and she will have her pizza. I am
not trying to get on you or your spouses bad side. I deal with the same issues
you are daily. I got assertive! Becky

My dh and I sometimes find ourselves in a similar situation.

We both are members of the TDC and both are low-carbing. We have both had many ups and downs with our weight, along with stalls and backsliding. For example, I ate so many carbs over the holidays last year that I regained 30 hard lost pounds. I've since lost 20 of them, but it's going even slower this year.

We are both usually good about supporting each other, but it only takes one of us to say, "today's a special day" for whatever reason, and we both start eating carbs.

So my problem isn't, "I wish my spouse would stop pressuring me to eat carbs just b/c he is", but rather, "When my spouse decides to cheat, I have no willpower to stop myself from going along with him." I also sometimes feel guilty if I don't say "No, it isn't that special a day", b/c if I stand strong, he often does too. (Which, btw, often motivates me NOT to cheat, b/c I don't want to drag him down with me.)

I also would have a hard time if my dh was hurt if I didn't cheat with him. I think I would handle it by finding the time to discuss it with him at a neutral time. Perhaps we would look at the next few months of special occasions and decide together which days we would pick to have a planned cheat, and decide how far we would go. (Just a bite of Grandma's famous potato salad, or junk food all evening?)

I agree that food is a very emotional thing. People are hurt if you won't eat their birthday cake (or worse yet, a carby cake that they made for your birthday.) Sometimes it doesn't seems that you are really celebrating if you're "dieting". (One of the reasons I ate real chocolate on Easter rather than sugar free.) "Going out for ice cream" used to be one of my most favorite things to do with my dh. I think that can be fine, as long as the events we celebrate aren't too frequent.

Another thought that may be helpful. I used to have the mentality that, as long as I was cheating, I might as well eat all the carby stuff I used to love and then eat bags of chips and whole containers of ice cream. I think I've finally managed to get out of that "all or none" mentality, and make my cheat days more like maintenance days than carbfests.

Good luck, HTH!

Why does it make her feel better? It shouldn't matter what you eat just that you enjoy the company.

Oooh.. interesting comments from everyone.

I don't have any advice or suggestions, just wanted to share a few thoughts that came to mind when I read the original post.

First of all, I actually relate to both sides of the situation. Before LC'ing, I'd be out with my guy (who's a skinny bugger if there ever was one ) and want some kind of a treat... perhaps McDonald's for dinner, or to stop for an ice cream. It would actually make me really annoyed when he'd say he wasn't hungry, but to go ahead and he'd keep me company.

I know it wasn't logical, but there were a few factors at play. Part of it is the guilt... if I'm eating something bad for me, someone's in it too It also makes it more of an "occasion" , or a "date" rather than just me pigging out on foods that I knew I shouldn't have. I've always associated food and meals with "occasions", or used it to celebrate, or feel good, and it made me upset that he didn't share that. It would also make me really self-concious, and this was a really big part of it for me - I mean, I would imagine everyone around me thinking "no wonder she's overweight... they're not even out for a meal and she couldn't keep from eating" ... or something along those lines. I'd snap at him when he'd say he didn't want anything, and if he asked why, I'd rather put a gun to my head than admit that I was too embarassed to sit there and eat alone. (Actually, not that much fun to actually put that in writing ). It was all very complicated in my head, and it wasn't something that had anything to do with my guy at all really, and I'd have been horrified to realize that it was putting that much pressure on him or making him that upset. But things about food and weight and dieting tend to be so self-consuming, that we rarely realize what an effect it's having on others. It's all some big ball of related ickyness inside

On the other hand, since staring to LC in September, I haven't had anything off-plan at all. There's been people in my life who can't understand that - who say one day won't hurt, and try just a bit. I've been fortunate in that my guy isn't one (he's amazingly supportive, and has even learned a bit.... he's always been so thin he hasn't the slighted idea of what foods are good and what foods arent :P He's also really sweet about picking up new LC treats or books when he sees them and bringing them home - though it did take quite a lot of "no, I can't have that because...." conversations when I started ), but I've also been really firm - eating something off plan simply isn't an option for me since one bite will lead to a million for me.

For those occasions where I'm tempted, or where something special is happening, I have my own treats. LC chcocolate bars are kept on hand to keep me sane while the office is eating ice cream birthday cakes, and I make my own LC desserts for family get togethers. I've found most people tend to get over it when you simply say no, and don't try and debate it or explain it. It's just the way it is. Someone as close to you as your wife makes it a lot more difficult. What about planning indulgences that let you both feel naughty? Order in a pizza for your wife, and indulge in some LC goodies that you usually wouldn't allow (LC cheesecake, ice cream, chocolate bars, pastas, breads... not sure what your usual menus are like) - perhaps the idea of "being bad together" would be enough to share that guilty pleasure. (Plus, finishing off with splenda-sweetened whipped cream always gives you a happy ending to an evning )

Cute side note... my office is big on birthday cakes on birthday's. I was half dreading having them get me one too and then say the "it's just one day". Well mine just passed, and instead of a cake, one of the girls got me a LC breakfast bagel (bagel with egg, bacon and cheese) for breakfast for me that day. Yep .. they're pretty great.