Doctor of Diet Nonsense

By RYAN CRAIG rcraig~kentuckynewera.com

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A couple of years ago I was getting a little chubby so I decided to look into what causes weight gain and how to lose the fat that hung off of me like a trophy wife on Donald Trump.

After years of research and pain-staking trial and error I've come up with a conclusion that might both amaze and give you nothing but utter hopelessness.

Simply put, DIETS ARE COMPLETE AND UTTER C-R-A-P!!!

You can take all of those diets like the Atkins, the Zone, the South Beach Diet and all the other books that have given the rotund nothing but a grande carving from the turkey named FATTY ARBUCKLE and throw them in the ocean for all I care!!!

So, in order to enjoy my fatness with considerable wealth, I'm going into the diet desperation business. Hey, they don't call it fat and happy for nothing.

With my false degree that entitles me to be a Doctor of Diet Nonsense, I've decided that I will now be called Dr. From the Edge -- Dr. Edge, for short -- and I will dispense some sort-of-good advice and take your money while you starve yourself in the meantime.

In a shameless attempt to get your hard-earned money I now present Dr. Edge's menu of diet plans.

Oatmeal and Applesauce Diet

That's right. On this diet you will eat nothing but oatmeal and applesauce. After careful study -- a week of eating nothing but the stuff -- Dr. Edge has found that both foods give good cases of the back-door trots. This is, of course, the trick of supermodels the world over.

For a mere $29.95, plus tax, the secret of the O&AS Diet could be yours!!! (Adult diapers are extra.)

Chased by Butch Diet

Butch is the meanest, ugliest and fastest Toy Poodle and German Shepherd mix that ever lived. He will chase you for several hours each day while you wear a pair of pants made entirely of potted meat. This is the ultimate in "High Impact" diets.

Butch's services are $105 per day. (A deposit of $100,321.06 is required at your local hospital in case he catches you.)

Back Yard Survivor Diet

Live in your back yard like those insane people who compete on television's ultimate reality program "Survivor." We give you some rice, a few sticks and a water jug and fence you in your back yard for 39 days. It's a hoot. Oh, and by the way, the Johnson's cat will look mighty tasty by Day 27. We guarantee it.

This diet is free except for the cost to replace the Johnson's cat.

The Mascot Boot Camp Diet

Dress as your favorite mascot while we run you through the same workout routine as the 101st Airborne (Air Assault) Division. You will stew in your own juices as a drill instructor makes you wish you were dead.

The cost is whatever it would cost us to bribe a drill instructor to come to your house and abuse your pasty butt.

The Lying Scale Diet

Since most experts say that losing weight is mostly mental, then I say lets give encouragement and take away the guilt of not losing weight at the same time. On this diet if you say out loud before you weigh, "I want to weigh 210 pounds," then even if you weigh a metric ton the scale will say 210 pounds when you step on.

It will at least make you feel good about the fact that you aren't going to be calling Cindy Crawford "Old Thunder Thighs" anytime soon.

It only costs a mere $450 per minute on the scale.

The Peer Pressure Diet

Some people say that Weight Watchers, L.A. Weight Loss and Jenny Craig aren't harsh enough. Those diets penalize your wallet for not losing weight or for actually gaining weight. They use peer pressure to keep you from falling off the skinny wagon.

On the Peer Pressure Diet, Dr. Edge takes things a little farther. If you don't lose weight he will send a mob to your house and beat you silly with sticks of pepperoni. Nothing says "tough love" like a pizza topping-filled beat down.

The cost is only a stick of pepperoni when you have to go to someone else's house and wack them like an extra-large with double cheese.

So, there are Dr. Edge's diets. He will take check, money order and pepperoni for payment. Good luck losing weight, you're going to need it!!!

Oh, and just in case you are wondering, yes, I am bitter as a sack full of lemon sandwiches about gimmick diets. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a bowl of oatmeal and applesauce to eat.

Ryan Craig is a columnist for the Kentucky New Era. His column runs every Thursday. He can be reached at 887-3232 or at rcraig~kentuckynewera.com