Hi all. While I feel super good about my weight loss, and my body image, I don't get any good feedback from my husband. I am getting so much muscle definition, and a lot of upper body muscles, my abs are getting more noticable, I can see the crease going all the way down to my groin now, and I am loosing the flabby belly from 2 c-sections and a hysterectomy that the doctor said that I probably would never loose. I haven't gotten rid of all of it, but it is soooo much smaller that I am happy enough to tuck my shirts in again. I get compliments from a lot of other men, and women, but when I show my husband how good I look, he just says yeah, and goes about watching his t.v. program, or when I flex my upper body muscles, (that I am loving) he, and my younger son, told me that it looked gross. My husband talks about all of these women on t.v., and on the street with big boobs and how good they look. Then he looks at mine (which I have lost most of because of loosing so much weight) and says nothing. The only compliment that I have gotten from him lately on how I look is that my ass looks really good in athletic pants lately. (DUH) I need the attention and affection, and he refuses to give it to me, and yes I have told him that I need it, and he will for awhile, then it goes back to this. I get more attention and compliments from other men than from my own husband!!! If you are wondering, we have been married for 19 years, I have always been overweight, and out of shape, and he weighs almost 400 pounds and can't stay on this plan because he "can't give up the bread and pasta" I don't nag him about it, I don't make comments about other men and how they look, but I am about to start. Then maybe he can have a taste of his own medicine!!! Does this sound cool to you guys????

but I've been married many, many times, er, years.
Cumulatively, that is.
I've seen this before on the forum. A wife will wonder why her husband has not complimented her on her success. Usually, the story is that the husband and wife were both heavy, and she has worked her butt off -- literally -- while he has increased his thumb muscle working the remote.
IMHO he is in a state of turmoil, and most men don't like to be in turmoil. The whole status quo has changed. While you were heavy, he had a whole "get out of responsibility" card he could play. "Sure I'm fat, but look at her! I don't have to do anything about my weight."
Now he has an attractive wife, and he knows other men are looking at you. It's likely scared him a little. He is looking at other women's busts, and then yours as if to say, "Hey you're not so great! There are other women better looking than you". but inside what he's saying is "What is a hot looking woman like her doing with a gross pig like me?" That makes him feel judged (well, he is, by himself) so he's trying to hold on to his self esteem.
I mean really, he can't give up bread and pasta, but you can! What does that prove, that you're stronger than him, right?
I could be all wrong, I don't know your husband (or you, actually) but it seems that he is just feeling insecure because now he knows you deserve a good looking husband, and he doesn't think he can be one.
Since you have nothing to lose at this point, why don't you fuss over him a bit, (I know you have been married for 19 years, but you remember when you were trying to impress him) and reassure him that you still love him.
Is it fair that you have to build him up when he is not building you up? No way! But it might be a solution. And who knows, maybe he'll start reciprocating.
If not, you can always try comparing him to other, better looking guys, but I'd try it the other way first. Making him feel even worse about himself might be throwing gasoline on the fire.

PS, congratulations on the OUTSTANDING results.
You are terrific!

I couldn't possibly say it any better than Patricia did.

Kay

i absolutely love what patricia said to you. i think she's bang on the money.

Sorry to hear that you aren't getting positive feedback in your home.

1. He's a jerk
2. He's jealous because YOU are succeeding at losing & he isn't.
3. He's worried that, because you are getting gorgeous, he's going to lose you.
4. He's afraid that, although YOU have succeeded with LCing, he can't.

I assume that #1 isn't true? So maybe 2,3 & 4 are closer to the mark.

It may not be fair, but maybe he needs some reassurance from you that you have done this for you and HIM. And that his opinion/feeling about you matters more to you than that of anyone else.

Only you know what's going on in your relationship.

I agree that Patricia said it best. I would really caution you about trying to make him jealous by telling him what other guys say (enjoy it privately or share with girlfriends). He's already insecure and making him jealous will make this worse. We all resist change and he is resisting yours. You have done so well!!!! Good for you. Keep up the good work.

Telling my first husband what other men said about me after going from 200 to 160 backfired very badly. He became insanely jealous and more determined than ever to make me change back (which I refused to do hence divorce #1). It didn't work any better with (now ex) husband #2 when I got to where I am now. He became so insecure that he started accusing me of having an affair (not true). He would hear what others said or see them look at me and started to lose trust in me because of his own insecurities. This eventually lead to divorce #2 as we grew farther and farther apart.

If it were me, I'd be working on builidng up his self esteem and telling him he's still your man.

Take care, Julie

I gave it a try. (Yes already) I pounced on him in the bedroom, and made him feel like a stud (I hope), and he did come clean with some of the things you all told me. He does feel very insecure, and does think that I deserve to be with someone better looking than him. I told him to back off with the B.S., and start living with me instead of next to me. I did inform him though, that I am going to be doing more fun stuff and he can either do it with me, or I am going to be doing it without him, so he has the choice now. Be with me or stay alone...I can't stop living because he won't do stuff I want to do!! He is embarrassed to go to company functions and parties with me because he doesn't want my co-workers to see what he looks like, I informed him that i will be going without him then. I am tired of trying to "feel sorry for him" and not enjoying my own life. So....back to the beginning, he can either go along or sit home alone and pout!!

Oh yeah, I also told him that I do love him, and if this drives us apart, it's because he couldn't handle it, not me!!

Good for you for letting him know how you feel. It is up to him to either sit at home or go out with you. I hope he chooses to go out rather than staying home all the time.

Self esteem is a tricky thing. He seems to have very little of it and is probably going to need a lot of reassurance from you that he is what you want.

Take care and good luck, Julie

My husband has made weight an issue since we first met (and I wasn't really more than 10 to 15 pounds heavier than fashionable, I was within a healthy weight: 135lb 5'6"). He has stuck with me and me with him because we love each other. Now 24 years, two kids, and menopause later, I really am overweight (200-something/up and down). He has tried everything to inspire me to lose the extra weight.

From time to time I have succeeded (after kids) but after menopause, it just got away from me. Nothing seemed to work and I gained so easily and lost so hard.

As a young man, he has had a saying that "gaining weight is a reason for a man to divorce" but he has no intention of divorcing me. He really does love me.

BUT this weight thing is a huge barrier (pardon the pun) between us. I am totally humiliated.

Finally, I've decided to try to do it for myself - another attempt, this time with PP and online support. I have decided to dress in baggy clothes around him and not let him see me without unless dressed. I have decided to try to head him off at the pass if he brings up the subject or makes a critical comment.

I hope to lose weight for my health and happiness.

Basically, I am overweight and it has affected my self esteem and looks. However I'm not horrible or deformed. I am actually a very nice person. I think he has dumped on me and whenever something arose, given my weight the scapegoat role (our aging, his physical illnesses).

I feel as if we are here only a few more years (well, hopefully, quite a few) and I want to enjoy them. I don't want to wish for it to be better later but to enjoy now.

Does anybody else have something like this happening? Any ideas?

Betsy

Oh eacoy!

How awful of your husband to do this to you. He hasn't gone through as drastic hormonal changes your body has because YOU HAD HIS CHILDREN, not to mention menopause ... how DARE him insult you to such a degree! Why have you allowed him to do that to you?

I have a niece who is three weeks older than me. She has *always* been skinny (and I mean skinny) and I always fought with my weight. There for awhile, I recorded every morsel that went in my mouth and I worked-out EVERY SINGLE DAY and walked for cardio. I recorded EVERYTHING! I lost about .25-.50 of a pound a week because some weeks I would gain back what I'd lose, even though I hadn't cheated. Well, she met some guy and began going out to dinner all of the time and eating a lot of desserts and she put on ten pounds. She didn't diet, but just went to the gym three times a week and within a month, she'd lost that ten pounds. And now, she's back to not going to the gym and maintaining her figure.

The reason for this story is to point out that ALL METABOLISMS ARE NOT CREATED EQUAL! I'm sure there are things about your husband that you find less appealing (maybe he has brown eyes and you'd prefer blue). Essentially, his complaints about your weight would be equal to you complaining about his eye color. Yes, you can diet and lose some weight, and he can buy colored contacts ... but he has NO RIGHT to complain to you about your weight anymore than you have any right to complain about his eye color. That's just VERY rude and SHAME ON HIM!

I'm sorry if I was harsh, but nothing irks me more. Many people without weight problems have no clue what it's like to try try try to be thin ... all they while they're eating whatever they want and staying thin. It's just as bad as racist, imo.

And shewolf! You did exactly what I would have recommended ... tell him to poo or get off the pot. You've worked hard to reap the fruits of your labor ... enjoy your life!! If he doesn't want to enjoy it with you ... then too bad for him. The sad part of it all is that men typically have a MUCH easier time losing and lose a lot faster than women and if he'd just try, he'd probably catch-up with you in no time. It's always discouraged me to watch the quick results my husband gets when he and I do a program together while my results slowly teeter-totter and I usually stick to programs more religiously than he does. Metabolisms are just not fair!

Okay, I'm done now!

Your full and strong support felt wonderful. Thanks! It is difficult to maintain my bearings as we've been married for so many years and are very well matched in many ways. But I have come to the conclusion before your note that on some subjects he is practically verbally abusive. He doesn't mean to be; but he is.

I reframe my efforts as if I were someone who could easily be over 100 pounds overweight and possibly consider a bypass surgery - an extreme projection - BUT I am not in that position because of my efforts. Although my efforts seem to have failed (I've still clinically obese), I am within dieting range of healthy weight. Reframed like that, I am succeeding and if I focus a bit more, I can succeed all the way to health.

I noticed you are new and wanted to add that this forum is wonderful support. I have stopped letting my spouse comment on my weight and have turned to the forum for support, often reading other journals for "how to succeed" information. For whatever my problems are, this forum really helps.

AND your kind and supportive words helped me enormously as well.

Betsy

I guess I had the opposite problem. My husband is 6'5" and weighs about 180 pounds. We're like Jack Spratt and his wife. He has never, ever said a bad word about my weight/size or how I look. I'M the one that was causing a strain in our marriage because of how I felt about ME. I hated for him to see me naked and was always putting myself down. He told me once that the #1 thing he finds attractive about women is not how they look but CONFIDENCE!! Now that I'm actually doing something about my weight it helps a lot with how I feel about myself and he's picked up on that, too, and is very happy about it.

So, if your husband was saying to you even 1/2 of what I said to myself, he should be ashamed of himself. Does he not love you and want to pull you up, not push you down??

I agree with the other comments - it's pretty classic for one partner to feel threatened when there's change.

Hopefully one day something will 'click' with him and he will decide that it's time to start a plan and that he really CAN give up those potatoes and that bread

Good luck to you with this - sometimes you aren't going to get everything that you need from your husband, that's just a fact IMO, even tho it hurts. So, you can get the positive reinforcement and encouragement and praise from your friends, your other family members and....US!!!!

Take care!

Nicole