I always find that no matter how much I know I've worked hard or how good I feel about myself there's always something outside that knocks me back down again.

Today I didn't want to do anything, just wanted to watch TV and sleep, but I made myself go out to get an application form for Sainsburys so I felt I'd acheived something. On my way there some teenage boys were walking the other way and one of them shouted 'fat arse' at me. Of course I told them where to go. But it makes me wonder why I went out at all. Nobody on the outside seems to realise that actions such as that make us the way we are.

The way I am - overweight, anxious, tearful, lack of confidence, inability to articulate verbally, nailbiter, trichotillomania - is due to child abuse (Not from a member of my family) and a very stressful childhood in my family home, teamed with constant bullying at school - people spitting in my face and throwing rocks at my head. For what? Being overweight. But the being overweight is a result of the abuse - a constant, horrible circle.

When I moved out of my family home the nailbiting stopped and I lost 35 pounds but the other symptoms continued, and are still there. I've lost a further 16 pounds over the last 6 months, and the symptoms are still there.

Everything outside my homelife seems to be malevolent. At work I get hostility and sexual abuse, I go out to get something and I get verbal abuse. What little confidence I have is slowly being chipped away at every day. I start counselling on the 29th but thats 14 days away, then my doctor's certificate runs out on May 4th and I have to go back to work. I can get it extended but do I really need it?

The more I stay home the worse the outside world seems, and the more I go out the more I'm proved right. I know I have to go out, but I'm afraid to.

((((((((((Becky)))))))))))))

What a vicious cycle!

I've been there - it is very tempting to just "give up". But what does that mean? Where is there to go?

Which means you do have to just dust yourself off and get back out there - over and over.

I'm glad to hear you're going to counseling. I hope it helps. The only thing you really can do is work on yourself from the inside - learn to not let other people define who you are, and how you behave (including how you treat yourself).

Find a hobby, something you enjoy doing. And LC'ing must have given you some kind of boost...?

My only other recommendation is that you begin exercising, in case you aren't already. It really does boost your feelings about yourself - no kidding! In addition to how much it helps your health and how you look.

And definitely keep coming back here for support!

Don't give up!!!! Those kids are just young and immature. It's funny how it will come back to haunt them someday. I would have reacted the same way you did and I am sure I have.

I take Wellbutrin to help stabilize me and help with my compulsiveness....are you taking anything to help with your blues and down times?

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