~seejay & ~lisa, we were trying to be "amicable." Ex said he wanted to stay "friends" since we'd been together for so long. Part of me will always love him [because we were together so long] and, like mainecyn said, you fall into a pattern.
I didn't mean to be snippy. It's just...weird. You spend most of your cognizant life with someone, and you know exactly what they are capable of, but you just keep letting them do it over and over [and ad nauseum]. The definition of insanity...
~kaylakala, I started that this week. Saturday morning, he picks them up from my parents (they demanded "grandparents' rights" for Friday night custody :P). My dad deals with him then. On Monday or Tuesday morning (depending on his mood), he drops the kids off at home. Well, we said only a handful of words to each other today and I felt very good after he left. =)
~ivanna, awww thank you, honey. I know that he's kicking himself - we had some social engagements we'd agreed we'd follow through with, and he was quite dismayed that I didn't rush back to his arm when other men got forward. He's told me for years I can take care of myself, and NOW he wants to. Ha.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mainecyn
I dislike talking with him and try to keep it very distant and business like because it is so very easy to fall into old roles, you know what i mean? ?All those years of trying to please him and jumping when he says jump. You can do anything you want.
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This sums it up exactly. Sometimes I feel like I spent the last ~11 years molding myself into a person who was only capable of caring for him. He threatens suicide, I panic. He calls me crying, I instinctively want to rush to his side. He criticizes me, I internalize it and want to fix it to please him. And, afterward, I want a stiff drink because I hate myself for it.
~werebear, yes, I am considering counseling. I've also discovered, after several extraordinarily self-destructive encounters with men [that fortunately did not result in the ultimate self-hate of a one-night "home run"] that my ex sufficiently trained me to be good for nothing but sex [and cooking, but at least I like doing that]. I find that I'm always maneuvering in that direction even with casual male friends, as part of me believes they won't want to be near me unless I put out.
Fortunately, the man I'm casually seeing at the moment is very insistent on not rushing things. In the broken part of my self-image, it's a panic-inducing slap in the face - if he doesn't want that, what could he want?? In the other part, though, it's this awe-inspiring novelty...he just likes my company. It's been a long time since I've felt that from anyone but my best friends.