I've posted about this before, mainly for advice, and since then I've come to realise I was completely turning a blind eye towards it.

Basically, my father is a serious alcoholic. His whole life is compromised by it. However, he is self-employed, and my sister runs the family business, so he is able to continue on with his addiction like nothing is affected.

He is at least 80lbs overweight, and has had Type2 diabetes for several years now.

Watching him do this to himself can make it really hard for me to stick to my eating. Well, sometimes it makes it easy for me ( I really feel shocked at the state he has got himself to - no way will I end up like that! )
And other times, I feel so helpless and frustrated, my old friend SUGAR comes calling to me.

I know you guys know how hard it can be to resist. Especially when it feels like there is nothing you can do to make the problem thats bringing up the emotional eating feeling to go away.

We've literally tried everything except an intervention to get my father to change his habits. The best attempt he made was a week sober, and one slip up led completely back to his drinking again.

My sister and I have written him heartfelt letters, full of things we never dared to say. He cried when he read it, thanked us, and his drinking did not change one iota.

Currently I'm still at the stage where I feel like I need to be here to look after him (he is ASTONISHINGLY messy, and always has been. Not just untidy, but messy to the point that it becomes disgusting. He does not wash, he does not clean. To be honest, he barely eats. )

At first I thought this wasn't really relevant to the forum... I mean, his problems don't force me to eat/encourage my previous attitude to food. But. When I think back to when I was a child, that sinking disappointment in your Dad just made me turn to the things I enjoyed to make me feel better.
I didn't know then that they made me fat; all I knew is that my favourite foods did not disappoint me.

My description of him is hardly flattering. It would probably make me think "Ugh, if he's that bad why does she stick around? Just leave him to it!" if I were to read my own post as a stranger.

The truth is he is so much more than this. My estranged mother pretty much destroyed him. He was so many things that were good, and kind, and wise, and more. I saw him for real again for that blip of a week that he managed to stay sober, so I know he is still in there somewhere...

I'm just feeling really depressed about the whole thing lately. You guys are always so supportive, and have posted feedback and advice on what to do before, but he doesn't seem to want to hear me. Every time beer is mentioned to him he changes the subject. He is an expert at changing the subject.

I know though, that all I can do is decide how to live for myself - the same as he has to do for him.

It just leaves me feeling so bereft that there is nothing I can do, and I feel like I can see my sister with the same food problem I had spiralling out of control. I really, really hate feeling so helpless.

You should get into Allanon (sp?). In the US, it is the program for family members of alcoholics. It is a support group, but also teaches you not to enable and not to take his failures into yourself.

And he won’t quit drinking until “it becomes more painful to keep doing what your doing than to change”,or “hitting bottom”, what ever the phrase you chose.

So you can only put your walls up, learn how not to enable him (like run the business and take care of him while he drinks), and get on with your own life. Tough love is required.

I strongly second bonechew...find a local chapter of Al-Anon. The support you find there will help you!

In the meantime, my advice is to focus on the positive...you are a loving daughter, doing what you can to care for your father who is in a very rough place right now...you know that the father you love is in there. Taking care of him (cleaning, cooking meals) is NOT enabling his alcoholism, so don't think that.

Are you close with your sister? You say that she has eating issues as well. Can you sit down and have a real heart-to-heart with her? Sometimes it's really hard to talk to siblings, but sometimes we're blessed and can really connect.

Finally (actually, primarily), take time for yourself. Do all those healthy things that help manage stress...eat right (absolutely!), gentle exercise (or strenous, if that's what you're into) and sleep! You cannot care for anyone unless you are well cared for. This is not selfish!

Massive hugs to you...you have a big burden to bear. Please contact Al-anon immediately! Please let us know how you make out.

Heavy burden here... I was going to post, but when I started, I found I had nothing that was going to be of any use....
Good luck, and please don't make yourself ill, it will not help.

I also recommend Al-Anon. They can help deal with your feelings that you have to take care of him or save him from his consequences. Help you to get clear on what you can do, and what is not such a good idea.

I had a lovely boyfriend who was a serious alcoholic. I know what you mean - they may be alcoholics, but that's not ALL they are. My guy died of liver and kidney failure but he was sober the last 6 months and you know what he said? he couldn't believe he waited that long to get sober, it wasn't that bad and he was glad. Unfortunately he had rode the body too far and it couldn't recover.

I have to say - part of what got him sober was my sharing with HIM, in a nonjudgmental, easy, everyday way, why I walked away MYSELF from addictive unhealthy carbs (including alcohol). He could see that I was happier and easier to be around, and yet I didn't lose any of the creative edge that he liked about being the wacky alky.

For example - one day we were at the grocery store around 1:30. He got dizzy and nauseous. He was a clueless guy making connections between his body and his food so I said, "looks like low blood sugar. what did you eat today?" "nothing" (of course). I said, "eat some of those grapes right away." So he did and felt better immediately. That kind of thing got him to sit up and take notice that what I was talking about might be true - what we eat, makes a difference in how we act.

He thought I was from another planet when I told him I could quit drinking easily mostly because of how I ate (good food, on time). But over time when he saw that good nutrition makes you resilient and bad nutrition makes you reach for bad stuff - again, he took notice.

I used the principles of DesMaisons' books "Potatoes not Prozac" and "Little Sugar Addicts" when I talked to him about how this works.

Alcoholics and sugar sensitive people are not bad. We are just wired in a certain way.

Hi everyone, thanks so much for all your kind comments.

bonechew & sue, We all live in the same building so its hard to disentangle my life from his but I think I've been making good progress this year. The hardest part has been admitting out loud as well as to myself just how bad the truth of his state is.

I am seriously considering looking into Al-Anon. I'll see what my options are in the area, thanks.

I try to remind myself that stressing myself out over his choices will not let me help him any better than I'm trying to do now. So I try to remember to take a step back, and be there to support him whenever I can.

Teresaw, Just a kind word as you posted makes me feel better. Thanks

Seejay - Thank you for sharing your story with me. Its true they are people too, and the alcoholism is just one facet of that. I'm so sorry to hear what happened to your boyfriend, but it sounds like you have no regrets in doing what you could to help him, and it sounds like he was thankful to you as well. I hope I can say the same one day of my father.

Because my dad is a T2 diabetic as well, I made him record his BG levels for two weeks 3 times a day. Basically from what I can see his drinking exacerbates the diabetes more than what he eats - I've been trying to impress upon him the dangerous of carbs/sugar particularly on diabetes.

Somehow he can't get his head round the fact that beer, as a liquid, has the same if not worse effect on him as mashed potatoes.

Thanks again all

Sondora,
I'm another advocate of Al-Anon. I put off going for a long time, but when I finally got so desperate I didn't know where else to turn I dragged myself to one of their meetings. I wish I hadn't waited. Immediately, just being in a room with people who were going through the same thing was tremendously helpful. The internet is wonderful, but there is no substitute for real human contact. Having complete strangers look you in the eye and empathise with you unconditionally is very powerful - and healing. Not to mention how much I learned from the experiences of others. I sincerely hope you will find effective coping strategies and eventually peace of mind.