Today I responded to a post...and it brought up a lot of issues for me. I almost wish that I had not posted there.

I am feeling sad for the little girl inside of me that didn't get the love and affection she needed when she was small. I really thought that I had dealt with all this stuff many years ago, but it has been resurfacing its self lately. I have been crying on and off all day. I know that I can't change the past...neither can I change others...but I am so angry about so much!

Life just seems so damn unfair sometimes...I know..."That is just life"...but I really am feeling sorry for myself today. Wish I was going to see my counsellor today instead of Thursday...

One minute I say to myself...Gawd...I just want to stop thinking about all of this...the next I think it is probably better to think about it...and talk about it...so that I am not stuffing my face with food...trying to numb myself.

Am I being too personal? I think I sound pretty screwed up! Today I feel pretty screwed up too.

I too used to have a lot of pent up feelings, things I just didn't want to think about - I just thought it would make it worse. So I tried my best to ignore it. Worked for a while, or so I thought. I've worked through a good bit of it, and allowed myself to feel. It didn't help overnight, matter of fact it felt worse in the beginning. But now I feel more at peace with myself than I have ever been.

Each of us has our own path to contentment, you will get there.

I wouldn't wish my childhood on anyone, but it did help make me into the person I am today - a basically good person. From the messages I've seen you post, you seem like a very good person too. A real asset to the board.

Hang in there!

Thank you for your kind words...I guess I still have a lot to do to work through all this stuff...You would think at 39 I could handle this emotional crap better. I even went to bed today...just to escape the feelings...and ended up having nightmares...Maybe this is a good thing...perhaps this stuff is going to have to be worked out , and put behind me once and for all.

A couple of days ago I started reading the posts on depression and such...I could relate to so much of it...I was really feeling for those people....and today I guess...was my day. It is very apparent to me, that if it is coming out in my dreams...then it very much is not completely dealt with...but certainly needs to be...or I will be back on the couch...stuffing my feelings. Even when I got up from my nap...the first thing I did was head to the fridge. I did eat things that are appropriate for me...(steak and cauliflower with dip), but the action was just automatic...and I don't want that anymore.

I totally feel for you, girl! Depression can catch you off guard sometimes. At least you realize things though, it sounds like you have everything in perspective. Not everyone is that self aware, even at 35, 45 and so on....you'd think people would clue in...but nope So that is one thing to be proud of. And you're sticking to the wol despite your low mood, that is awesome, way to go! Just do some nice things for yourself, and you'll come out of it in time. BIG HUGS to you!

July 4

Bad day again today...man...feeling all these emotions are hard. I heard that it is worse, before it gets better, so will just continue to let it happen. My d/h just walked in the room and told me this is all about me being obsessed...whatever...shall we replace the "d" with an "a"

Oh, Dear Lilwannabe,

I indeed hear you! I know how hard it can be. I am 51 and I have still not resolved all of my childhood "issues" and realize that it may never happen. It helps to talk, it helps to write; it helps to get counselling (which I see that you are doing).

Much as I love my husband, I don't always think that a lot of men are terribly great at the kind of emotional/intuitive thinking that a lot of women do. NO, I am not bashing men nor am I bashing your hubby or mine: I just genuinely think that the two genders do tend to have a lot of differences beyond the physical.

One thing that has helped me to deal with the evident inability of my own parents to love their children, was to learn as much as I could about their own past and their own childhoods.

When I imagine my mother and my father and try to reconstruct their lives when they were four years old, or six years old, it makes me fully understand that they were not really fit to be parents but did not have a clue about that. They were not malicious; they were just deeply wounded themselves.

And even my grandparents: what little I know about them--long since dead, of course: they all had a rough time when they were young.


I think that it is perfectly acceptable and even therapeutic to mourn for the inner child within you who did not get her needs met or who struggled. I think that it's just fine to cry about yourself, in my opinion. Feeling the pain and acknowledging it is a step to healing; I also find that it makes me generally more compassionate to others to know that so many of us really did have wounded childhoods -- or even adulthoods -- and that working on the pain, while very difficult, can create growth.

I also think that for me, at least, my overweight is largely a function of emotional needs that were not met in my past so that I covered up my pain and fed it.

I am learning, I hope, humbly and one day at a time, to know that it's better to face my pain and admit it rather than to sedate it with food.

Good luck to you, my dear!

Natalie

I know what you mean.
I was in threapy for 6 years and thought I finally got over
the abuse from my father. At that time my grandma was going on outings with us more and on more than one occation I got hit on my back by her, so one night, when my dad was drinking, I asked him if his mother used to hit him and out of his slighly drunken mouth he told me how he would get hit if his brothers and sister did something wrong, how he got hit if his grades were less than an A, hit for just being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

It was then I saw the pattern of my own father's abuse, he was just doing what his mother was doing. It was this relevation that helped me with my own abuse and helped my dad who finally went to a counsillor.

For me, a bad childhood came from parents who had a bad childhood.. so what should I do. Stop this violence and raise my children correctly... well as correctly as I can.
And in a loving way.

Now if we could just ditch the tape recorder that runs in our head, repeating the negative words of our childhood...

That would sure make things easier huh.

Thanks for the support all...it is much needed right now~!

July 6

Today has been a great day! I accomplished a goal today which I thought would take me a year...I don't think depression is going to show its ugly face today.....I feel just awesome...wish everyday was a good as today...

May all your days be cheerfull, you deserve it!

GOOD FOR YOU!!! HUGS!

I realize you haven't posted to this thread for awhile - but I wanted to recommend this, nonetheless.

It is a book (click the link at the bottom) my counselor (who saved my life) had me read when I first began going to her... it is mandatory reading for all her clients and was a great comfort to me.

I had a relatively pituresque family - but even the BEST parents can instill "wrong" ideas in the minds of their children, and many of us are still sorting them out into our 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond!

It's not about bashing your parents, or blaming anyone for anything, or being a "victim" - it's about getting over what you learned as a child, and having a happy childhood no matter what age!

<a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0553353896/qid=1027954825/sr=2-2/ref=sr_2_2/102-0114772-9985710">Homecoming</a>