I dont know where to post this, but I am really at a loss as to what to do or how to do it.

My daughter is 17, she has always been prone to weight gain, altho when she was younger I had some control over what she ate and I pretty much had her on a LC diet. However, by the time she was 16, she was able to get her own food and had her own money to buy what she wanted. she started to pile on the pounds.

She is now 17 and altho she wont weigh herself, she is at a guess a size 18 - 20 UK size and growing rapidly.

The crunch came yesterday, when her brother (19 and skinny) bought a bag of 5 donuts for him and his father to eat while they watched the grand prix. Within an hour of him putting them in the kitchen, they were gone - my daughter had eaten them all! Already, if anyone buys food for themselves in our house, they know to hide it (things like tomato sauce, chocolate bars, junk that my husband and son like and eat with control)

Of course, being a teenager, she refuses to discuss it with me. We've just had a row because I tried to sit down and discuss it - she just kept saying "I dont want to talk about it" and screamed it in my face before stomping to her room. I wanted her to talk to me and explain to me. She says I'm cruel for telling her she's overweight, eventho she asks me if she looks fat, she says she's happy being overweight ! The way she is eating, she is going to keep getting bigger. She has a problem - I'd say without a doubt carb addiction, but she wont hear it from me or her father, who has also tried to talk to her.

Does anyone here have any tips or advice??

Jo xxx

Any chance you might be able to send her to a LC friendly MD?

Or give her some enlightening lc/paleo books to read or listen to?

Jo, my heart goes out to you. You are walking in a minefield.

A teenage girl eating other people's food if she can get her hands on it, getting heavier, and screaming that she doesn't want to talk about it: carb addiction absolutely, but keep your eyes and ears open in case there's more going on. It's possible she is self-medicating because something has happened that is stressing her: overwhelmed at school or work, or something/someone has made her feel she's not pretty or "worthy", for example. The society we live in is cruel to fat teenage girls, so it's doubtful that she is "happy being overweight", but if she's serious, she may be making herself unattractive on purpose to avoid unwanted attention.

It's odd that she has an amazing role model/coach in you (she only has to look at your own transformation) but refuses your help. If there's something driving the overeating beyond the sugar/insulin/sugar rollercoaster, it may take another teenager to talk to her to find out what it is. If you have a good relationship with any of her friends they might be able to offer some clues.

For now, there's not much you can do but drop the subject, make certain she knows you love her and that nothing she says or does will change that, then wait for her to come to you in her own time, when she's ready.

This situation may be nothing more than the growing pains of a headstrong teenager, that will sort itself out in time. But you seem like an action person who doesn't enjoy sitting around waiting, so for your own peace of mind you might benefit from seeing a counselor to hear what an experienced professional has to say on the subject. This would be a personal quest for knowledge for YOU, and not something your daughter even needs to know about.

Hi Jo -

I know this is a bit of a sticky situation. My mom and I have battled our weight forever! One would get a grip and the other would follow suit..for the most part. I think between the 2 of us, we've tried every diet out there.

From experience, as the daughter, it never did me any emotional, motivational, physical or mental good for my mom to "ride" me about my weight. She has always quietly supported me, knowing that I would have to do so in my own time, on my own schedule. It's been discussed here a number of times that the ability to buckle down and lose weight truly comes from within.

Before I got back on track the end of last year, I had tried multiple times to get back on the wagon. My mom lost like 60-70 pounds on Medifast and had even agreed to buy everything I need. She did and I tried it but it just wasn't for me...I wasn't ready.

Then, somewhere, somehow, I made that serious commitment to do it...to get healthy and lose the crazy number of pounds I had put on. There was nothing from outside that made that change come about...I finally was tired of buying a bigger blouse or a pair of jeans...even all the shoes I owned no longer fit. I had just had it and made a big change.

I decided to re-read my Atkins books and I knew I could do this without being hungry...,which is really important...I'm a wuss to hunger!!

All this said...I apologize for it being a bit winded - I think, as mom, your best bet is to do what you can to be supportive. You are a huge success to a lot of us here and it actually could be intimidating in a way to your daughter. (I can attest to that feeling too). Harping and griping may or may not work.

I pray she can realize there are great ways to eat and lose weight...you and I both know it. We just have to be patient for her to figure it out!

Best wishes -
Deanna

Wow, thank you, you've all given me a different viewpoint to think over - I think that my success is possibly her downfall. She's headstrong, she's belligerent and all those teenage hormones.....

But she is actually a very beautiful girl, lovely hair, eyes, bone structure....... I compliment her on that all the time.

Actually, altho not food related, this video is soooo very much like my daughter and I, in every way. How do you have a sensible discussion lol????

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEuHAJLtzuo

Jo xxx

This is such a tough situation to be in! But I agree there is not a lot you can be as a mom except be supportive - you are such an awesome role model it's hard to believe your daughter can't see it! But mother/daughter can be such a precarious relationship. When I put on a bit of weight as a teen and got to about a US size 13/14 or so my mom began to ride me about my weight - taking me to Weight Watchers, trying to bribe me with money to lose weight, etc etc. But because it was "mom" pushing it I ate more and more just to spite her.

My sister and her daughter had a similar issue for years - both are 6 feet tall. My sister as her "fattest" weight ever (around when she hit menopause) was about 150 lbs, but most of her adult life was in the 120-125 lb range, and now finally settled in at about 140 after menopause and a rigorous diet. So she has no clue what being overweight means. I mean she was in TEARS when she hit 150 pounds and had to wear size 8 dresses, and immediately ran off to Weight Watchers (I wonder what they thought of her there? I was in WW once and at 5'7" they gave me a GOAL weight of 150!)

Anyway, her daughter, as a teen, began to put on weight. She is now 30 and I'm not sure of her weight, but certainly well over 200 pounds. My sister began to get hysterical (like my mom) when her daughter reached size 13/14, and went through all sorts of hoops like saying "let's go on a diet together" and forcing them both to have weekly weigh-in's together to "be accountable".

My niece flipped out. At one point she did try to be compliant, and she took up SMOKING as she'd heard people often lost weigtht if they smoked. Yeah, that was sure an unintended consequence of my sister's obsession (I can't recall how many times she called me "fatso" when we were teens - she a size 4 and me a size 14).

Anyway, my niece just continued to get heavier - so the end result, for now at least, is that she is about at her heaviest, is a smoker, and is barely on speaking terms with my sister whom she sort of blames for ruining her self-esteem.

I know it's hard, but I really feel the best thing you can do is continue to be the wonderful role model you are, try to keep only healthy foods around for her to eat. If she has to PAY for her own goodies - well you say she is doing that, but perhaps she will ultimately come to see some things are more important to spend her own money on. I know it's hard for your husband and son but maybe they can try to agree to keep few of those things in the house. Or indeed have a really save place to keep them!

Oddly my BiL had the opposite problem growing up - his mom was a HUGE carb addict and to the end of her life at age 87 she ate virually nothing but cookies, cakes, crisps, chips, donuts, candy .... But she didn't want her son growing up like that and only served him carrots, meat, veg, fruit, etc. She had a house FILLED with junky carbs, but kept them all in locked cabinets so only she could eat them, and her son could not get any.

I mean this was woman who would cook a meat/starch and veg dinner for her husband and son, and sit at table with them and watch them eat, but not have a bite, and then after dinner would break out all her junky carbs abd eat them while she cleaned up the kitchen after the meal.

I don't know how that affected his psyche, he's a bit of a weirdo IMHO, but today at age 58 he still doesn't like sweets - though he does eat like a horse and lots of carby things like breads, potatoes, rice, etc. But he is also 6'3" and has never weighed more than 165 pounds (despite actually wanting to weigh 185, but never able to gain an ounce even though he ate about 5-7000 calories daily in a futile attempt to gain!)

My oldest daughter was not ready to listen at 17. I tried to get her to join me on a low carb diet back in 2010. She tried it for about 2 weeks and then decided to do her own thing. If she was going to lose weight, she was going to do it her way. I will admit -- she worked hard at it. During her senior year, she lost at least 30 pounds via a low calorie diet and lots of exercise. She only made it about 1/2 way to goal by High School graduation and then pretty much gave up. It didn't help that we were opening a restaurant at the time, and I had totally blown my diet, too.

Now - after 3 years of college and the Freshman 15, Sophomore 15, and Junior 15 she really wants to lose the weight. She joined me in the LC lifestyle this summer and she is doing great! She has stuck to it like glue and is even learning to cook some of our LC favorites. It helps that I have learned so much more about how and why this diet works for carb cravers like us - and whether she wanted to hear it or not, she got the message. At age 21, she is ready to get this weight thing resolved. She plans to stay low carb when she gets back to school. If she does (and I think she can), she should be close to her goal by college graduation.

I have 2 other daughters - one 18 and one 16. The 18 year old is of the age where she knows more than me about pretty much everything and there is no convincing her otherwise. I remember being that way, too. At 18, I had it all figured out. It took a few more years to grow up.

Your daughter appears to be at that age where she needs to figure stuff out on her own. So honestly, the best you can do is tell her what she needs to know as best you can and hope she hears some of it. You've done your part in raising her and I'm sure she knows much more about how she should eat than my kids ever did. But unless you enjoy a lot of screaming and fighting, I would not try to force the issue.

P.S. In my old way of thinking, I'd have been putting a lot of blame on the donuts and other junk food brought into the house. It is harder to eat junk food if it is not around. But I've learned from people like you -- who have lost the weight and keep it off -- is that we really need to do is learn to deal with having the carby food around us. It is still considered "food" by others and we cannot impose our way of eating on them. What we choose to eat is a very personal thing, and we all must find our own way.

Haven't had a chance to read the new responses - but had to jump in to share - coming from someone that heard all their life they were big/bigger - especially from my parents - you're probably not going to be the one to convince her to make the changes. My stubbornness only made me dig my heels in more any time I heard it from my mother - even at almost 400 pounds. Made me feel not loved at all, I understand now, somewhat there was a health concern there - but not when I looked back at pictures of when I "thought" I was big and realized I wasn't!

You're in a tough spot for sure, from my experience, unfortunately I don't think you're gonna be the one to change her mind.

I'm really sorry that you've found yourself having to deal with this. It must be very hard for you.

I'm a daughter of a mother who was brutal to me about my weight and it was a nightmare for both of us. The whole subject was filled with very negative innuendo and hurt me like hell.

I agree with this:

I'll add this, if you do decide to opt for some professional counseling, consider doing it as a family. It may help to have a safe place for this discussion. This is not only her problem.

I'm going to say something that might offend many. I apologize but...

Why were the donuts in your house to begin with?

You know she has this issue. She isn't at a point where she can control herself around things like that. If you're really concerned, gather the family around and say that your home is a no-junk zone. You don't have to say it is for her, you can say it is for all your benefit.

Think of her as a heroin junkie. Maybe it isn't fair that people who can use heroin responsibly can't use heroin at home because there's that one addict that just can't control it. But these are the things we do in support of a loved one. We make their environment one where they have the best opportunity at success. Many families with celiac members have to make that sacrifice so the home is safe for that one individual. Some don't... I always kind of wonder at what sort of people wouldn't do that to keep a child or spouse safe, but there you go.

Yes, she still might go off and get junk outside the house, but at least at home you're offering her the support she needs.

One more suggestion, don't discuss these issues right after the fact she's been caught binge eating. She's already going to be feeling ashamed and defensive. Wait until later when everyone can tone down the emotional response. Not saying it will work, but it might.

My 19yo son brought them in. Neither he or my husband drink alcohol and they both love F1 racing on the TV - its their little ritual Cakes and energy drink, its the only time I allow eating in the sitting room actually (could I stop it tho lol??)!!!! It annoys me that both of them can eat junk and dont put any weight on at all. My son is ridiculously thin - he's 6ft1 and has a 27in waist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My husband is thickening out a bit now, but is still slim - its not fair is it. Anyway, my son isnt going to restrict his routine for the sake of his sister, or me come to that!!!

BTW, I'm blown away by everyones responses - thank you, I'm learning a lot
Jo xxx

They way I see it, junk food and making babies are things that can make skinny people fat. Living in a constant state of "hunger" is what makes a carb craver fat. Donuts get a bad rap. For a carb craver bread, pasta, a baked potato or even a glass of orange juice is no different. You can get into the "empty calorie" thing if you want to -- but the carb cravings don't seem to care about the nutrients. You can slap a donut out of the hand of some fatty like me, but if you hand me a banana instead you've really accomplished nothing. It took me forever to figure this little secret out for myself and it is a key reason why I am making LC a lifestyle change and not just a diet. What is "heroine" to me includes a lot more than just junk food. I simply HAD to learn how to live with having the stuff around me and just not eating it. If I can do it at home, then I can do it anywhere.

I was heavy as a kid and my kids have only ever known me as a very obese dad. I am grateful that I have never felt unloved by any member of my family over my weight. I've gotten BS from outsiders - but not from my family. Feeling pressured or shamed would have only made matters worse. The issue with me is that I needed to figure out how I needed to eat and not get fat. It took me a long time to find the right answer to my problem. The easy availability of junk food has not helped -- but it is not the true source of my problem. I'm pretty sure I am not alone on this one.

I love my daughters and I don't want to be that parent that lays guilt, shame, or pressure upon them over how they look or how big they are. But part of my job as a parent is teaching, and I do what to impart what I know (or think I know). So I do talk about up the topics of health, weight, losing weight, self esteem, etc. I just hope I don't overdue it.

I wouldn't necessarily say belligerent but she definitely has one more problem than the average 17 year old.

DO NOT beat it down her throat that she is overweight. She knows she is overweight, and already feels horrible about it. And DO NOT talk to her friends about it, as someone suggested above.

Maybe take a step back out of the limelight on your weight-loss and "how easy it was for you" and start paying more attention to her as the beautiful young lady she is becoming. Don't sabatage the conversation by beginning or ending it about her weight, again she knows she is overweight and doesn't need to be constantly reminded of this. Don't talk at her, just listen to her. Kids love to talk. Let her do all the talking, just listen. When SHE is ready to discuss her weight, and has trust that you won't try to control what you think she needs to do, simply ask her how she would like to approach getting healthy. It has to be her idea. And of course support her in her decision.

Be pro-active. Don't let them "fend for themselves" anymore. Start cooking the meals in the house. It would be a good time to teach her how to cook for her family one day too if she shows interest in cooking. Slowly, eliminate all the convenient treats the kids munch on. Have as many sit down meals as you can with them, even if its just with the kids. THAT you can control.

And again, your daughter is not her weight. She is a beautiful amazing smart funny caring young lady, make sure she knows this. Self-esteem goes a long way in life. Be gentle.

Yep!!! I'll definitely lay off discussing her weight and mine, altho I havent talked about it with her for a good year or so and in that time its got much worse and she has put on so much. The reason its reared up again was the "disappearance" of the 5 donuts.

Its such a shame that at the prime of her life, she has everything going for her and if she carries on like this, by the time she's 20, she's going to be housebound and in trouble

Jo xxx

Jo,
Do you think that she doesn't know that you see her this way? You may not say the words to her but believe me, she knows what you think and feel about her weight.