I've lost about 56lbs now. So you'd think that'd make my husband happy, right? No. I gained all this weight between two pregnancies. The first pregnancy I lost as it was a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. I was really depressed between the two pregnancies because of that (About 6 months) and that's how I gained so much weight, really. Anyhow, now I'm about 12lbs from what I weighed when we got married.

So my husband and I don't really have sex anymore. We never really did it much in the first place, but now it's like maybe once every 2-3 months. He told me the other night that "a significant reason" why he doesn't have sex with me is my weight and that he's not attracted to me. That was upsetting. I asked him what about the weight I was at when we started dating (I was 166, but a size 8) and he said he felt I was actually overweight then too and not all that attractive. Last week he actually turned on the tv and pointed out women that I need to aspire to look like since I'm losing weight anyway.

This is absolutely killing my self esteem. I don't really know how to even put it into words because it's so upsetting for me. I just don't have the words for it.

I just don't know how to deal with this.

I had a husband like that once. It took years and counseling to undo the damage.

Even though it is YOUR HUSBAND who has the issues, do yourself a favor and find a good counselor now, so he doesn't screw up your head for good with his mental cruelty.

Oh, I've had a counselor for the last 5 years. I know (logically) that it's not my fault, but emotionally it doesn't feel that way at all.

This is emotionally abusive. It's not a normal attitude.

Oh, trust me. I know he's wrong. Although I know he's wrong, it doesn't make it hurt any less. It's like as I've lost weight he's gotten MORE critical of how I look. Like I'm not losing weight fast enough. He hasn't been supportive at all. When I tell him how much weight I've lost, he's just like "Yeah, that's great" kind of sarcastically or completely ignores it.

I'm not losing the weight for him at all. I'd be happy back at my lowest weight of 166. I wasn't perfect, but I thought I looked really good there and I was happy. But when I told him I was thinking about stopping around that weight, he just looked like I was crazy because... I guess how he put it... when I was that weight, my lower half of my body still really needed work. (I carry most of my weight from the hips down.)

It just makes it ten times harder to keep reminding myself that I'm doing this for me--not him. I'm not sure if I can keep on when he gets so much more critical with every pound I lose.

I wonder if it's actually threatening to him that you are losing?

I considered that. That might be a small fraction of the problem, but primarily... I'm the only person he's ever slept with or actually seen naked in person... So basically all he's got to compare me with is porn. Doesn't bode well for me...

But I was thinking it might be marginally threatening to him. He's already really insecure with me because I'm (not being conceited--just factual) more intelligent than him and generally more successful than him at almost everything. I mean, I don't try to be. I'm just really, really motivated and ambitious by nature and he's... the opposite? I definitely don't rub this stuff in his face, but any time a sentence comes out of my mouth, he thinks I'm criticizing him when I'm really, really not. He's even admitted in the past that just me being who I am makes him feel inferior. I mean... I can't do much about that myself without just generally and purposely trying to suck at things.

Weight may be the only thing he sees as truly inferior about me, so he's honing in on it... But again... we never had sex often to start with. He's never had much nice to say about the way I look, although he never used to openly criticize me like this.

Thats what I was thinking one of my ex's actaully told me he likes his women fat so noone eles will want them "which isn't true" lots of guys like bigger women but he tried to control me and make fun of my diet and I told him to hit the road eventaully ya know.. I'm sorry this is happening to you maybe you should sit down with him and ask him why he is acting like this and tell him how much it hurts you.. He may not know..

Seems to me that he's actually quite intimidated by your weight loss. The fear is probably that you'll realize how attractive you really are and leave him. Even though that might never cross your mind it might his. I hope that you've gotten this all straightened out and it's old news.

Uh-HUH! Head for the hills, girl! That is just beyond abusive.

That really really sucks! You don't deserve that at all. You know you are better than him and that he is very wrong, right? Still, I think I would be devastated too if my husband told me that. I hope he comes to his senses and realizes what a great woman he has! keep looking out for you and find your own ways of validating yourself. You are doing a fantastic job. I hope the therapist is helping and giving you some advice. hugs!

Your husband is being emotionally abusive toward you. Period. This is not normal, and unacceptable! What is important is a mutually respectful relationship between two people. I lived for 18 years like you are living now. It started out "harmless" enough and then over the years intensified. It is really particularly difficult having children, and exposing them to this kind of environment, because eventually the children also will bear the brunt of his emotional abuse. My eventual aaahh-hah moment was when I realized if I had a girlfriend who treated me like this, I would tell her to f*#k off. And then we would no longer be friends. Do not let this man poison your mind against yourself. There are indeed people out in the world who will respect you and accept you totally for who you are. Surround yourself with those people. Life is too short not to. I do soooo feel your sadness, and warm thoughts are being sent your way...

EXACTLY!!! My sentiments EXACTLY...I've been there and I've done this. It's the hardest thing you may EVER do but you have to value the quality of your life and the life of your children. He doesn't respect you if he demeans you that way. Without respect you can't have a functional, happy marriage...there is so much resentment that develops over time with this type of behavior. It makes me sad that you are enduring this type of treatment...honestly, how can someone say "I love you" and intentionally say and do such hurtful things. You deserve better....Don't quit...love yourself....love your children....take that ambition and drive you have and make some difficult but important changes in your life.
My prayers are with you