Hi, im Luciana, i ve been reading this forum for the past month (and join in around a week ago) and i must say it has given me a lot of inspiration and i found a lot of heartreaking stories of struggle and succes that gave me hope.
Thats why i dare to confess this to strangers. Because sometimes is more easy to say the more private and sad things to strangers than to people around you. Because sometimes words from a stranger can help you in a way nothing else can. Specially when you are desperate
. I feel like im in a point of no return in my life. I live closed in my apartement and almost never get out. Im scared to get a job cause i feel i look so awful that no one would ever want to hire me. I live alone, and the best friends i used to have have stop calling me and they drove themselves away for me
. Im going to the university and have no friends there. I ve had a lot of awful experiences in the university in the last 6 months. I ve been FAILING in every exam possible, I study but i dont seem to be able to succeed in anything. My friends of "life" (i had an amazing group of friends) who are not calling me anymore made me very sad. This all happened in the last two months: my exams faling, my friends staying away from me, me feeling more and more horrible every day (and here - i live in Argentina-, the spring just started and i hate the thought of usiing less clothes and short sleeves, and they days are sturting to be up 80 farnehit and i hate it). I live alone in a different city from my family, and things are awful down there. My parents are about to get a divorce, and my sister try to commite suicide 3 times in the last 9 months. My little brother is going through a bad time too, im afraid he would want to commite suicide too, and i feel bad i dont see him everyday to help him
.
And, despite all this i have said, i have a boyfriend. Yeah, i know, i cant even understand why he is with me. We known eachother for 6 years. When we met, i was joyful, happy, thin, beautiful and full of friends. Now im all the opposite. He is the most handsome men i ever met in my life (including movies). Actually, when i met him, i thought he was waaaaaay out of my league (and i was really thin and in shape and had amaazing body then, but still) and we became BEST FRIENDS for 2 years. We had everything in common: we had same tastes, same view of life, and laugh like crazy together. But he was 10 times more goodlooking than i was. Well, one day we started dating, he kissed me one day out of the blue and it was like a dream come true from there. He was not only incredibly handsome, but he is a great person, super smart (he has 2 degrees from different careers, and university here last 6 years, so its a big thing. And he is only 27!) and lovely and sweet and everything i could ever dream for and much more.
BUT, the sad part is that he gets all the attention from girls, i ve had a lot of awful episodes, girls doing mean things to me, "friends" of him trying to say bad things about me so he left me (luckily, he got rid of them) and women try to pick him up ALL the time. And i feel that i cant take it anymore. I never felt like i deserved him. Not then, when i was thin and beautiful. Not now, that im fat and ugly and despressed and useless and lonely. Imagine that. Every second i spend with him is painful, i love him so much but im waiting for him to DUMP ME. I cant stand myself and i dont understand how he can stand me. I think he might be dumping be soon. He better do cause im useless.
And he is not even the main thing, the main thing is that I HATE MYSELF AND I WANT TO DIE and i dont see any hope in this
. I ve considered suicide seriously A LOT of times in the last month. I ve been reading about it too (less painful ways to die). I dont know what to do
. I wake up feeling like i should stay in bed for days and let myself die alone in this filthy appartment. Alone. Like i dont deserve more
.
i dont think i deserve more.
Im sorry for this, is too long and im sure is full of writing mistakes.My main languaje is spanish, not english. So im sorry. I hope someone read this and give me their thoughts. I know you dont know me but i feel so sad and you people inspired me so much, you all been through a lot. Im sorry.