My daughter plays high school basket ball and a couple girls on her team were saying something rude about girls on another team - including that they were "fat chicks". Obviously, their coach gave them what for about un-sportsman like conduct, but daughter was really struck by a particular line, and I like it too! "PEOPLE aren't "fat". People HAVE fat." Doesn't that tie in beautifully with what we were saying about society being so "scared" of fat that they don't even want to mention when someone has lost? I think even some of us start thinking of our weight as our identity! No longer will I think I myself a a fat person- my fat is an accessory I can choose to keep or remove!

That's soooo true!!! My doctor told me that the number on the scale is just a number. It doesn't say how smart I am, how pretty, how funny, how healthy, etc. It just tells us how much I weigh, and I am much more than a number on the scale.

Way to go coach!! Women should be uplifting each other (fat or thin) instead of always tearing each other down. When & where did we learn that? Ugh!

People, and especially adolescents can be cruel. Insecure people often try to elevate themselves by putting down others. I guess it's human nature, but certainly something we should all work to overcome.

But the comments go both ways. Is a skinny girl offended by being called a skinny girl? Is a tall girl offended by being called a tall girl? Is a busty girl offended by being called busty? Is a hippy girl offended by being called hippy? Is a fat girl offended by being called fat? Is a blonde girl offended by being called a blonde? Is a red haired girl offended by being called a redhead? (you can substitute boy for most of these).

Part of being offended is taking offense. One won't work without the other.

It can be difficult to change our mindset, but if you can manage it, the terms will no longer hurt.

I'm a bald man. I'm a bearded man. I'm a musician. I'm white. I'm a picky eater. I'm no longer a fat man. I like me, and I liked me when I was fat. But I know I'm healthier at a moderate weight.

When I was fat, I accepted my weight. Being called fat didn't hurt me, because it was an accurate description. If it was meant as a cruel comment, that was the other person's opinion, and had no bearing on my self worth. I like me, I think I'm a nice, talented, kind, and intelligent person. If you don't agree, it's not my problem.

Bob

While what you say holds some truth, this is the Triple Digit Club. Those of us who have had more than 100 lbs to lose have had to face offensive remarks and a lot of jokes at our expense.
Even at your highest weight, Bob-a-rama, you were not in this category.

You are correct.

My parents were >300 pounds and my sisters are approaching that. I work like crazy to stay where I am.

I do not call people fat because I don't want to offend them. But if I need to use that word to describe someone when they aren't listening, I'll use that adjective. No offense meant.

My parents called African-Americans Negroes as a descriptive title that was meant without any disrespect (they avoided the other N word because it was insulting). I would not use Negro today for fear of offending some.

I try not to offend people, not because of the "Political Correctness" rule that gets a lot of talk these days, but as the ethics of reciprocity (do unto others). I don't want people to try to hurt my feelings, so I don't want to hurt other people's feelings.

On the other hand, we are a species that describes things. I look at a crippled person and realize he/she is crippled, I see a dwarf and realize he/she is a dwarf, I see a Great Dane and know it's a Great Dane and not just 'dog', I see the flowering tree in my yard and know it's a Royal Poinciana or Delonix Regia, that bird on my feeder right now is an Indigo Bunting, Jeff Beck plays a Fender Stratocaster guitar, in the car today I saw 4 Sand Hill Cranes, I like Russell Stover Sugar Free Chocolate, Kal Brand Stevia tastes best to me, a snook tastes better to me than a grouper, there is a squirrel that frequents my yard with a very short tail - I call it "Stubby Kaye" and feed it - he knows his name, my 'lawn' is getting long, perhaps it's time to mow, my neighbor just drove by in his VW - but it's not just a VW but an old Beetle, the old manager at a store I visit had no eyebrows but a "pencil line" instead but she was an excellent manager and nice gal, and if I see an obese person, I can't help but notice they are obese. It's life and it's human nature - we do adjectives. I'll be careful not to be cruel or hurtful, because that's my upbringing.

But neither you nor I can control what others say about us. Not everybody is as polite as I try to be. We do have the power to control our own reaction to it though. It might not be easy at first, because of repeated conditioning, but it's well worth the effort if we can do it.

Please be kind to yourself and don't let the comments hurt. Accept what you are, and love yourself. You seem like a very nice person, and that will be my opinion of you unless you prove me wrong. If you are a large, nice person, your size won't change any of that. My 300+ pound father was one of the nicest humans I've ever met. It seemed that everybody who knew him liked him. But he was fat. The obesity complications took him from us too soon though.

I encourage you to lose weight, not because your weight might offend me (it won't) but because you will probably be healthier that way, and without health, nothing else matters. Don't end up like my parents and leave us all too soon.

Bob

Just for the record, Bob-a-rama, I have lost my weight and have been maintaining it for the past 8 years and counting.

You come across as a righteous preacher and that I find offensive.

Agreed, and I also think it is different for women than men.

Sorry for offending you Judy, it certainly wasn't my intent. I'm just trying to help the best way I know how.

Bob

I would agree with this. Our culture teaches women to put more value on appearance. But, I can assure you that as a male I've suffered my share of insulting comments. I also know for a fact that my weight has negatively impacted my career.

Bob-o-rama's point is valid, but there is a difference between being short and being fat. Our culture teaches us that being short is mostly the result of genetics, but being fat is the result of poor character. It doesn't matter whether "I am fat" or "I have fat". The fat itself tells people that I am lazy and self indulgent, lacking in willpower and possibly not terribly intelligent. This is the stuff that stereotypes are made of. As a fat person I'm afraid I myself bought into this way of thinking, I blamed myself. So to the all the other humiliations of being 400 pounds you can add self loathing.

Reading the Taubes' book totally changed the way I think about this, it was a revelation. I'm afraid that long after the fat is gone I'll still being trying to work the fat out of my brain.

I agree with everything you've said - and indeed yes, the larger the man is the more likely he is to suffer the insulting comments. I think men with 'a bit of weight on them' don't get the same insulting treatment as women in the same BMI category, but of course as the guy gets bigger, the 'tolerance' of society to the fat decreases and the insults start.

I always thought it was a fault with me and that I was lazy. Just got into ketosis for the last month and the last few days, now I'm keto adapted, I have all this energy and I'm getting up and getting things done. My personality or moral character hasn't changed, but my biochemistry has been changed by what I'm eating. People assuming it's a 'character' issue make me crazy.

I think Bob, the problem is some are adjectives brown hair, skinny, tall, lanky, short, ect... And some of them are more than adjectives.

Those adjectives do not have sub labels with them.

Fat as Matlock indicated has sub text to it.

Someone who is fat is a self indulgent and lazy person who lacks the will power to have any form of self control. Their hygience is off and they are gross to look at.

Who was the teacher in psychology recently? Who said if you are overweight you need not apply for the doctorate program because it shows lack of will power and control to see this project through?

Would that person ever say that to a skinny person? Nope.

And there lies the problem with some adjectives as you put it.

IMHO The best thing anyone can do for a fat person is to accept their fat and realize their body is fat not them.

In my own experience when I could be okay with the fat, instead of struggling, feeling guilty and embrassed it opened/freed up my energy to explore "other" non traditional modes. It got me off the the modern medicine/fad diet road. And put me on the road that these IDIOTS have no clue what they are talking about. I need to figure this out myself.

And I was figuring out the same stuff Dr B did. Even was doing the same methodolody. Lost 35 pounds on my own. And then I found his book and lost an additional 97 pounds and still counting.

But as long as I was fighting with society, the perception of the external world and the perception of my own that I developed the less energy/self power I had to help me see eating through the tough times and to figure out what is good for me and how to develop a new way of interacting in the world.

But your ultimate concept is correct, philosophical wise. But there are steps in between that philosophy to get there when dealing with reality and the external world.

Some of us are taught to care what others think. That their opinions matter. especially with anyone in the medical field.

Sometimes my words don't have the power to speak what my heart feels. Being a guy, my emotions are not connected to my tongue (there is a great book titled "Why Gender Matters" by Leonard Sax - every parent and teacher should read this one). So if it comes out awkward, please forgive me.

We choose to be hurt, not consciously, but by conditioning and habit. We can choose to not be hurt by words. It may not be easy, but in the long run it will be healthier.

Stress and hurt are emotions that degrade our health. And without health, we have nothing.

The words don't hurt, our reaction to them is what hurts. So to solve that, we must change our reaction.

How do you solve it? Different folks need different tools to do that. There are plenty of books that can help, some people rely on clergy, others a counselor, others can do it themselves. One size does not fit all.

I sincerely wish you can get over the pain and love yourself no matter what size you are. I can't tell you how to do it, but I can tell you it can be done.

Please don't take offense, it's the last thing I want to do. If you want to help yourself, start the journey, if not, it's OK. It's up to you.

Peace,
Bob

Bob,
While I know that you mean well, in my opinion, it'd be a good idea for you to not post in the Triple Digit Club.

You just don't get it and you never will.
Having never experienced this for yourself , you are unable to share your experience with it. That's why your words are offensive, however well meaning you intend them to be.
Stick with the rest of this site. Keep telling people how addicted they are to TV.

This section of this site, the TDC, was set up for people who share similar issues.

Bob, I really get what you are saying. And have walked that journey myself and still am walking it.

From walking that journey for me it was not as simple as flipping on a switch and say well, I am just not going to be hurt by people who are nasty or condensing or awful to me because I am fat.

Honestly, it has to go through a wide range of emotion for me. And the emotion I found most helpful was getting pissed off. The second emotion I found useful was righteousness. Of all because my weakness, or disease or problems are worn on the outside. Doesn't mean the person who is doing the judging doesn't have there own issues that are better masked.

And for me it wasn't "fat", it really is looking for validation from the external world about how "good" of a person you are. how 'desirable' you are. Do you "hurt" people through action or words. This is how I was brought up.

There was a deeper understanding and perception change that had to happen for me. And I continue to peel back the layers on that overall issue to this day,m while my understanding and confidence grows every minute of every day about the person that I am.

With the wonderful support of everyone in this group.

1) I found this in the "New Posts" section and didn't even know what the triple digits club is. I don't go there, I always just check new posts.

2) I grew up as an Italian with names like Wop, Dago, Guinea, Greaseball, and so on thrown at me, so I know what insults are. Mom used to drill the "Sticks and stones can break my bones but names can never harm me" into my skull.

3) My entire family but myself is over 300 pounds. My mom was probably 300 the day I was born (I saw the wedding photo), my father at least since I was old enough to be aware. I was headed to the middle 200s when I found low carb, but for years and years before that, everything else I tried failed. I work hard to stay near 185, including limiting my calories to about 1200-1400 low-glycemic calories per day. Many luckier people eat more than that for lunch. It isn't easy by any stretch of the imagination.

4) I lost both my parents way to soon due to obesity and my sisters are headed down that line.

IMHO that you find my words offensive when I'm trying to help confuses me. Just because I only had 50 pounds to lose doesn't mean I cannot relate to the thread about insults. I've been there.

The way I see it you have 2 choices:

A) Lose weight - figure out what works for you and do it

B) Choose not to be offended if someone calls you fat.

It's only a three letter word, and yes, I can choose to be offended if someone calls me a Wop, but I choose not to be offended.

And yes, you choose to be offended. And if you'd like to wallow in your self-pity, that's OK with me, it's your choice. But just be aware that it is your choice, and you can choose not to be offended by a 3 letter word. Take it from the Wop.

That's all I can say, I'm outta here, I'm unsubscribing from this thread. Good luck to you. I sincerely hope you work out your problems.

Bob