I feel so badly for both of you right now. People claim marriage isn't based on sex, but it is based on intimacy with your partner.
When I was over 200 pounds I gave it up to my then hubby maybe twice a year ... and just like above I got pregnant one of those times. There is nothing sadder than crawling in to bed and not wanting to be that close to your partner. It definitely takes patience and love to make it through.

All I can say is please don't cheat. He did on me and it destroyed me. I blame myself sometimes because I did not talk to him about how I felt and that the weight had that much control over me regardless of him telling me how beautiful I was everyday. Pray hard about it everyday and continue to show him affection. The worst thing to do is ignoe him. Little pecks on the cheek and the occasional whisper of "I love you" in his ear will let him know you are right there for him .. always.

I appreciate all of the concern. I do have one more comment to make. I was told earlier to "take him off his meds, and put him on low carb and call you in two months" He weighs in at 440 lbs. If he was taken off of his meds, he would loose his job. His meds control his blood pressure, and cholesterol, and his sugar. They also control his emotional issues. He tried low carb, and couldn't live without the bread and pasta, and of course, the sweets. He is doing low fat, and drinking diet pop, he has lost 14 pounds so far, but he doesn't exercise. I have told him that I am scared that he won't be around to see our grandkids. He can't walk around the zoo, or an amusement park without sitting down every block or so, and he always pulls muscles if he walks too much. His back hurts, his feet hurt, and he is always tired. Sometimes I think that it is hurting me more than it concerns him. I will not bother him about it anymore. If he doesn't care about himself, me, or the kids enough to actually take control of his weight, then that is his choice. I have made myself totally clear on how I feel. I am at my wits end.

This is the same conclusion that I came to myself 3shewolf8. You seem to have tried all you can down to the point of telling him you will have an affair in order to make him FEEL something..........It's a shame the reaction from him wasn't more positive. I think you really wanted to hear that "You are worth it" to him to lose the weight and get the emotional and intimate life back on track.

I guess he wouldn't consider a counsellor either? I know this is frustrating for you and I know how cheated you feel not being able to have your expectations in marriage fullfilled. If you share the same doctor, do you think you could feel comfortable discussing this situation with him and asking him to run some blood tests (in confidence of course) or he may offer some suggestions.

I wonder if you could begin to add in low GI foods into his regimen? Then again, this is all still coming from you wanting to help when clearly he needs to step up and take responsibility for his own health and that of his marriage!

I wish you happiness and truly hope this will begin to resolve; it may take a long time..........it's up to you to decide what you can deal with.



Sandra

I can't change the way he eats. We work opposite shifts, so we eat at different times everyday. As far as sneaking in blood work from the doctor, my hubby won't even go in and get the blood work that the doctor wants. A couple of the prescriptions that he is on can cause liver damage, and the doctor wants to monitor his liver functions, but my DH refuses to have the blood work. Even though I have offered to take a day off of work to go with him!! I really can't do anymore to make him understand what he is doing to himself and me. I am going to just make myself happy, and if he wants to join me, great if not, then it's his loss.

It does sound like you have done everything you can to encourage him to help himself so I do agree with you! You do deserve to be happy!! Really does sound like he's made his choice and you are doing a wonderful job of getting yourself into shape - 67 lbs down - That's a wonderful achievement and at least you are not emotionally eating like I did!

I really wish you the best

Hi Shewolf, I have read this entire thread this morning (a little extra time today). I agree with the last post, you have done everything you can to help him. It sounds like a terrible position to be in (having your partner so unmotivated to help themselves). It is also strikes me as selfish of him, he is not giving what is needed even with all your encouraging efforts.

Good for you for feeling great about yourself and having such a pleasing personality (laughing a lot). Sending good thoughts, you have a tough situation.

Warmest regards, Sara

Shewolf,

I have been told that, sometimes when you finally come to a descision like you have reached, things will only then begin to change. Once you have come to terms with your situation and you proceed only forward withyourself but continue to love on your SO and never be negative, I have been told that only then will they begin to see the light. They begin to see the changes in you and the positive changes at that. Many times they see you "moving ahead" without them. No one wants to be left behind. They begin to then see there may be hope for them to make their own decision to change.

But you have to do it in love, and never let them feel less than special or neglected.

That was very, very hard for me to come to grips with. But it seems that in just a few weeks of "moving ahead" there has been a dramatic change in my DW's attitude and outlook on herself.

I wish you the best!

It is hard. Thank you all

Not to get to into this to deep, but something you may want to try is....................... Set a nice tone in room, candles music etc and ask him to watch you make yourself feel good (if you know what I mean). Maybe that will make he realize exactly what he is missing and get him worked up. Not sure how you feel about xxx videos ( I have mixed feelings myself on them) but I know this has worked for many. If you really want "IT" I can assure you that you can make it happen. Even if it's just him going to have dessert at the "Y".

I hope the best for you and him both.

Jen

OMG!!!

dessert at the "Y" is all I have gotten since July 05!!! I want the total package!! Thanks for the laugh though!!

I know it has to be VERY VERY hard. I am upset if I have to wait a week. Just attack him. Snatch his drawers down and get after it............

If that doesn't work then I don't know. I think he is being SSSSSSSSSOOOOOO freaking selfish. Whats does he expect you to do??? If you don't have any toys I would recommend getting some. Sometimes I have to say ok fine i'll get my toy's Mr. Excuse getting so personal but....... when he has been unable he has always helped me out........ But I know you must want to be touched and loved and wanted and all that good stuff. But you know even if he can't perform he could atleast help you anyway he can . Also has he talked to the Doc about changing the meds? Or taking something in addition to the meds to help out?

Well, you're welcome for the laugh. I was laughing as I was writing! Atleast you can still find some humor in this nonsense. I am sorry you have to go through this and I hope you can find peace and happiness somewhere in the mix of things!

Jen-

I can't believe I'm not alone. I have a high sex drive (of course lower the more I weigh) and my DH has a low one. I thought I was weird or a nymphomaniac or something. My friends agree that it's my problem. But I thought I was alone. It's so comforting not to be alone, yet my heart goes out to all women who crave physical love and don't get enough from their SOs. And to men, who seem to have the same problem quite often.