Originally Posted by pinkclouds
Do you know what makes you want to chase that feeling? Why do you need it or what does it do for you?
Despite my anti-depression meds, I have one or two "bad days" a week. This last one was rather intense. I was basicaly crying over nothing, or at least nothing I could think of. It was like a mental version of the stomach flu. I knew I hurt, but was paralized by fear about how to distract myself. I was afraid of making it worse. If I did things around the house, would something remind me of dead loved ones? Would I be reminded of painful things in the past? I made myself take a shower, then sat down and cried. I made myself start the laundry, repeat with the crying. After 2 hrs, my eyes were sore. I talked to my husband twice during this for advice, I couldn't think for myself anymore. I did try carbs at some point, and it did help, trust me I was more aware during this than anytime I've ever cheated or binged. This time was purely homopathic in nature, I kept track of everyting that went in my mouth. Looking back, I think the banana and TPSP of peanut butter would have worked. It gave a quick but slight relief, but I had waited so long by that point, it really wasn't "quick enough". I was too desperate for relief by then. Maybe if I had tried it sooner, I would have been more satisfied with it.
This is the second time I've read something you have written in the last 24hrs that made me cry. You impart kindness in your words so well. When I'm depressed, kindness hurts a little, part of me says I don't deserve it. I didn't realise the level of shame I had put on myself for having depression and food issues. I never realise these things until I have to admit to having a problem with coping with them. Thank you for your message, I was feeling that "all roads end in sadness", and I had to chose which sad road to take. I will allow myself to believe my brain can and will adjust to this. My body has been doing so well, it will be nice when my emotions can fall in line. I am interested in trying 50-60 carbs a day, I have hypothyroid along with major depression, so maybe I've been cutting my carb amounts too low. I had been aiming for around 20 carbs up until now.
I had read about depression/carb link, and one guy basically said "Woe is the depressed person, when he can no longer get relief from his drug of choice-sugar!" It sounded funny to me at the time, but it's a big difference when living it. I can no longer do things "like I use to". It's like all the silverware in my kitchen drawer was replaced with butter knifes, and I was told "too bad, you'll have to make due!" I'm still needing to believe I can make this work, things will be different, but I need new tools to replace the old ones. Maybe a spork.