Ok, Amanda, here it goes:
Well, I am sure the story is different for everyone else. I didn't start with binge eating.
In my teen years: I started with heavy food restrictions, low fat and exercising every free second I had. I would often have a meal that was just lettuce with soy sauce on it. I took track and exercised at home when I wasn't at school, usually to extremes. My mom mentioned that she felt sad that I needed to do those kinds of things, she knew I'd stay up late doing sit ups and what-not. I weighed daily, nothing was ever enough.
In my early 20's I was able to start buying diet pills, the "good ones". I'd live off of broth, diet pills and black coffee. I moved on to binge/purge when I couldn't stave myself anymore. That went on for a few years.
If I was to eat now until the point of pain, I would still feel a need to purge, almost driven to it. I have certain "trigger foods" I can't be left alone with. I think my last b/p was 2 Halloweens ago. I had made it 5 years before that without b/p. I made myself tell my husband when it had happened, that is part of my recovery. No secrets. Eating disorders thrive in the dark, push you to be silent, and demand a lot of attention. Your entire self worth is the scale. Health is never the priority-just get the numbers however you can. It becomes an obsession.
I hate to say it, but no one could have talked me out of my patterns. I had to pull myself out. I still fight my demons. I still have to face the fact that I can't do what I use to do to get thin. My body has been too abused for too long. I have a friend I talk to when I am tempted to go back to my old ways.
In my mind, my old eating disorders tell me these things: I find that I am fascinated by the idea of fasting. I have read about it an it is like a itch that wants to be scratched. I imagine the self esteem I'd have by eating nothing for stretches of time, that in itself would prove that I am strong, and nobler somehow. I'd just drink water, then I'd be cleaner and lighter. Food can seem so dirty, right? The enemy. I need to be strong, perfect, better. Food holds me back, makes me ugly and sad. The only way I could imagine being happy, is if I never had to eat. Every time I eat, I feel like I am weak. I should have been able to go longer and eat less. Every meal is a chance to hate myself.
How do you talk someone out of self-loathing? How do you talk someone out of the self-abuse of an eating disorder? Especially when the eating disorder is telling them they can only have self worth by keeping the disorder going? I learned to keep it secret because my mom had noticed. I felt shame that I hadn't conceal it better. I cringed at being judged. If the doctor asked me any questions about it, I'd lie. I got good at hiding things.
So that brings me to now. No secrets. No lying. No scale. I has to be about health, not self punishment. If I feel something I want to do might be in a grey area, I run it by my husband and my best friend. I tell them what my fears about it are and get their advice. If something is really good for my health then I shouldn't be afraid to get their input on it. If I am afraid of what they might say, then it probably a bad idea.
That is how it was and is for me. Like I had mentioned, I'm sure other people would have a completely different story. The eating disorder didn't start overnight, it evolved and changed over time. I can get better, but I'll never be completely free of it. It waits for an opportunity to come back. Always there, always waiting. If I let myself think about it too much, I'd cry. It is hard to feel that your biggest and worst enemy is inside your own head.
A little heavy of a post, so here is a picture of a baby bunny: