I'm sure this is not going to sound nice but I'm going to throw it out there anyway. Your daughter is yelling at you and stomping out of the room, what ever happened to respect? If I did that I would have been slapped and sat back down. My son knows better than to raise his voice at us and the few times he is, he is put into place quickly. Thankfully I tought him respect when he was young and I don't have to smack him.

I can see her being upset about you talking about her weight. She is probably addicted to carbs and doesn't understand or care to understand. But blowing up at you should not be an acceptable behavior. I do not care how homonal and emotional the kid is, I get hormonal and emtionioal, I cry and go hide. I don't blow up on the world. Even as a teenager and PMSing there was no blowing up, we learn to control ourselves if we are forced too. She has not learned to control herself or treat her parents with the respect they deserve.

I'm ssure everyone is going to get pissy with me for this and growl that its not my kid and to shut up but I see so many kids that have no respect for other s and their parents. I absalutely hate it and I wish people would go back to controling their kids instead of being their best friend.

You won't hear that from me. Sass gets retribution in my house. You respect others or your privileges evaporate.

You're right, Jess, Sexym2 makes a good point. When I was a kid, stealing from anyone (let alone family members) would not have flown. I'd have been in beyond serious trouble. My DH's older kids stealing also didn't fly and it would not fly here today either, regardless of age/hormones/troubles, etc. DH's daughter used to take bites of cookies to make it look like they'd fallen and broken, ate peanut butter and granulated sugar right out of the containers... etc. We just didn't keep it in the house since she could not be watched all the time, and snacking between meals was verboten. Unfortunately, the whole family had to adjust and do without, but it did help her learn to make better choices and he doesn't have the binging issues now.

But that wasn't jo's question and she didn't ask for our opinion on that.

Actually, the OP asked for "any tips or advice." Her daughter seems to be manifesting with several behavioral issues, and these were in fact a couple of those many issues.

Let's see... donuts enter house. These are for father and son's special time together. Ladies of the house aren't allowed any. Doesn't really seem like a fair test of discipline. When I was a kid, if I brought food into the house, chose one family member to share it with--nobody else gets any--all issues of who needed to lose weight, or didn't aside--that wouldn't have flown. Dad can have some, Mom doesn't want any--that leaves the daughter as the only person, specifically excluded from the treat. Now that really wouldn't have flown. In our house, you couldn't steal a family member's food--by definition, it was the family's. When I moved out, and lived in my first apartment with my friends, I was weirded out when one of my roommates kept jars of peanut butter etc. in his room for himself. I thought we'd all just share and share alike. Bit of a culture shock there.

A little off topic (ok a lot), but I just had to say, Jo that you are one of my “idols” on here. I’ve followed a lot of your advice and it has always worked for me. Sometimes it drives me crazy that I don’t seem to have all the answers to this WOL yet. Although now I see that you don’t have all of the answers and it is refreshing to know that probably no one does. It makes me feel better.

Back on topic my niece is 16 and overweight. She saw my progress and immediately wanted to jump on board. Until she decided she couldn’t do it. It was always “I’m going to restart tomorrow…next Monday…after this event…or whatever. She wasn’t ready and she gave up. Took me 34 years to be ready to diet. I guess it’s like any other addiction – no one can make you see the problem or do what you need to do. You have to be ready and willing. I am hoping that one day she will. Until then I just do little things to help her along…like give her my old clothes that are now too big. Unfortunately, my take on it is there is nothing that you can do…except be her mom.

This is the crux of it. Discipline and respect dysfunctions aside, you can't drag a horse to water. She is either ready and motivated for herself, or she isn't. A person won't overcome their addiction if they are not motivated and determined to overcome it. You can verbally beat the person over the head all you like, but until they decide to own it and tackle it, nothing but conflict and resentment will result. All you are doing is further damaging relationships. Sure she is still a child, but she is almost an adult. She is a person, regardless of age or weight. In the end, she will leave her home, and the decisions (and consequences thereof) will be all her own.

She'll have to have her own "coming to Jesus" moment. Like so many of us here have had. All you can do is your part to keep crap food out of the house and love your child, while modeling healthy habits and behaviors. But making her hate you won't help either of you, ever.

I'd also like to add that, it doesn't matter whether or not your son is an adult, he is living in your home, and if his behavior is inappropriate, you can tell him to cut the crap. In families, a certain amount of playful banter is to be expected, but when it graduates to hateful acidic attacks, it needs to stop. It's verbal abuse. It isn't wrong to expect the people under your roof to be respectful of one another. My opinion, but you know what they say about opinions.

Great post, Jess! Right on point.

I especially agree with the last paragraph.

Jo, I looked at your photos as a result of this thread and also saw where you have been at goal for about five years. Is that right? If so, and if this is the youngest daughter from that family pic where y'all are standing tallest to shortest, she may be too young to remember the struggling part of your journey. Maybe to her, your size looks as effortless as your husband and son's sizes are. We think that because kids are in the household for all the stuff that happens, then they must be aware of how things went. She may have been really young when you were in the deprivation stages. As a successful dieter - that is, one who has changed her way of life - you most likely no longer talk about what you can't have, that you used to love. Now, she sees you only eating 'adult' foods, never treats that kids usually gravitate to, and she may want no part of that range of choices. If she is like I was about sweets, to say she can never eat sugary treats again would be like telling an adult they can never have sex again. I'm not saying there is anything sexual about the foods to her, but it's the only thing I can come up with that is comparable in its ability to be compelling to a person. She sees you calmly enjoying your healthy lifestyle with food, and sees her dad and brother calmly, effortlessly enjoying their donuts and other tasty foods and then she, relating more to their appetites than yours, can't have what she wants to eat. It must be infuriating to her and feel very unfair. If you were my mom when I was that age and I saw how you eat, I would want no part of that.

Conversely, if she is more aware than I have described, of your starting point, she may be afraid of that fate being ahead of her and that can make one angry as well. She may feel she has no hope of being able to resist her desire for sugar and be angry at the hopelessness of her future (in her eyes, of course). If she is ever in earshot of a discussion between you and one of your friends, you might direct some comments to that person, as part of a conversation, about how you approached starting lc, way back in the day, and how it got easier as you went along even though it seemed like murder at first. Of course, your friend would have been told ahead of time what the purpose is and be in on it. I wouldn't do it a lot, but once or twice, in an artful way might help.

I do tell him - and indeed her off when they have their "spats" - dont think that he's any worse than she is (possibly the opposite, she's a feisty thing). They fight (only ever verbally) and I stop them - they are the youngest of five, so I'm not stranger to sibling squabbles lol!!!!

Actually my daughter says she doesnt remember when I was big, so she probably isnt aware of my struggle - altho I do tell her that her sugar/carb addiction is how it was for me and the only way to deal with it is to cut it out completely - she says she cant be bothered. I mention the likelyhood of diabetes and other illnesses and she just shrugs and say, there are pills for that.

It is very much teenage rebellion and "cutting off her nose to spite her face" cos she thinks it annoys me. So its best I dont mention it - but I wont have her stealing food or eating us out of house and home.

Jo xxx

Food (carb) addiction has to be the #1 worst addiction to treat. Because unlike drugs, we need food to function.

If you are addicted to alcohol, heroin, crack, whatever..... families will get together and host an intervention. During that intervention, the addict will hear what the consequences will be if they don't seek help. Such as disowning them. But how on earth can loved one's instill the same consequences on those that are addicted to food? Impossible!

That's why this addiction, to me, is the worst to handle when you see someone struggling.

I was never a thin teenager but I wasn't fat either. Just average. When I got married to my HS sweetheart I gained a lot of weight in a short period of time because I was so miserable. It was also the first time that I had control over my grocery list. So I stocked up on so much crap and binged for years. My husband got so fed up he started doing all the shopping and only bringing good, healthy food into the house. He was a Marine and was very in-shape. But did that stop me? No way. I had a car and hit all the drive thru's when he wasn't looking. Then I would go home and make a healthy meal for us.

I was an addict (McDonald's) and I was going to get my fix no matter what the costs or consequences.

After our divorce I just kept piling it on until one day I realized I was waking myself up in the middle of the night because I had trouble rolling over. That was my breaking point.

Over the past 15 years I have yo-yo'd and lost and gained the same 30 pounds. I still struggle but my determination is stronger than it was.

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter's struggles.

In my experience with teens, every day is Opposite Day. They shrug, they say they don't care, they say they like things this way... and they don't mean a word of it.

They just don't know what to do, or they know what to do and don't want to do it

You have to let consequences happen to them, over and over, sadly. I think they are very vulnerable to how easy life looks in the commercials, on TV, and in movies. It takes a lot of wake up calls to make them see the difference between fantasy, and reality.

I haven't had a chance to read all of these replies, but it just occurred to me that a child, daughter or son, should not be told over and over again by their parents that they are overweight. I'm 100% certain they are getting enough reminders from their peers!

I bet she hears plenty from her peers---I remember how MEAN girls could be when I was an overweight teen. And I was only chubby! (Got fatter as time went on, haha), but yes, I bet she is aware she is overweight.

Just saying, teens, other kids, children even, can be pure mean!!!!

I agree, I wouldnt tell any of mine over and over again anything - If my daughter asks, which sometimes she does "Do I look fat in this??? " My usual answer first of all is "What do you think?", if/when she persists, I am not going to lie, if she looks fat then I say she does!!


She knows, she can see herself in the mirror, she knows how small her clothes are getting. I dont think they tease each other about it anymore, cos most of her peers are quite large too - in fact society is making it too easy and too PC now to be large. Its almost becoming the norm

Jo xxx