Dear fat,

We gave it a shot, but our relationship hasn't been mutually beneficial. "Parasitic" would be a better description. I tried to focus on the "fun" part of keeping you, but once you were here it wasn't so fun. In the long run you have held me back from many things I'd dreamed of doing. I wasted my 30s trying to make excuses for you and to deny your existence to myself, but that took more energy than it was worth for the temporary pleasure I got from maintaining you. You have been a drain on my life.

It's not working. Good bye. Don't call.