Please excuse my confession/rant/venting....
Depressed maniac on the loose.


Bad I am. Disgusting. Repulsive. (((((FAT)))))) Ugly. Pig. Gross.

my ED is out of control. *I* am out of control. I'm purging up to three times a day now. Binging once a day or every other day at the most. I disgust myself. every day I say to myself that I am going to follow this low-carb plan and every day i fail. i don't know what to do anymore. i dont know what else to try.

I am tempted to try to starve myself again and go cold turkey - forge this low-carb stuff, despite the unhealthy results; then i WILLlose weight, and when i've reached my goal weight, that's when i can try to start eating right again. But what is my goal anyway? It's not just to weigh less, but to feel better about what I weigh... and to eat right. And that's a long time coming. if it's coming at all.

the bathroom scale lies. i weighed myself on it the other day and i was 112. today i was 109. no way that is right. if anything i have gained, not lost. but why can't I wear my khakis anymore without a belt? doesn't make sense. i am so gross.

i dont want to live like this. i hate this.

the sad thing is, i'm not even really trying to get better. i mean, maybe i'm trying a little.. but not whole-heartedly. it takes too much effort. and i dont even know if it is worth it. if my ED gets better i might gain weight. i dont want that.

i am a sad sight to see.

but there are worse ppl off. i am no big deal. not a big problem. it can be worked out. easy. dont worry about it.

i'm fine.

really.