Bulimia antics- my struggle with myself.
 

Right now I feel literally exhausted. I just had the most intense sugar craving I've had in awhile. So I ate a salad and chicken breast. All of the sudden some of my old binge/purge demons came back to me, and I ran to the bathroom to rid myself of my HEALTHY low-carb dinner.

As I was lurched over the toilet, finger down my throat, beckoning myself to "just throw up. just do it already" I started crying uncontrollably, stopped myself before the purge actually gave way, and sat on the bathroom floor for a few moments.

Anyone who knows the monstrosity of emotions that go along with being bulimic, know that stopping oneself, after begining to induce any action associated (binge or purge) to be the equivalent of stopping a bullet with Cling wrap.

BUT I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The entire reason I initially wanted to purge my dinner tonight was because after I got the INTENSE sweet craving, I wanted to go on an ice cream binge, and having eaten dinner, there would be too little room in my stomach.

After the purge, I was then planning on rushing out the door, to Cold Stone Creamery. (The ONLY thing I really miss being LC) But you see, when I eat ice cream, its not just a bowl. or two. or even three. It's the whole carton. And when I go to Cold Stone, its not the child size... it's the BIGGEST one there. With whipped cream, candy bars, hot fudge, pound cake, gram crackers, cookie dough, carmel, THE works.

Instead of jetting off to COLD STONE CREAMERY... I went into my bedroom, took my clothes off, and stared at myself, long and hard, in the mirror. I then put my absolute FAVORITE skirt on (the one I only sorta fit into anymore) that used to look FABULOUS on me... and I'm wearing it, as I sit here typing.

That, and a cup of peppermint tea... BROKE my binge.
I wish everyone else who endures what I did tonight, all the strenght and love in the world. This forum is my sanity. Good luck all.

Congratulations! :cheer:

That's a huge and difficult step.



That's a perfect metaphor for it!!

I wish you continued strength. :)

Veronica

Lady Snape, thank you for your endearing words. They mean more to me than you'll ever know.

Congratulations...I know how hard it is, but you took such a HUGE step forward today. You should be so proud of yourself...
Jenna

Words of encouragement
 

Thanks Jenna. I know it's a big step, but it's refreshing to hear reinforcment:) ya know?

Im empowered by your strength tonight. The constant dialogues running through your mind- "I should, Im going to, no i wont, just do it this once". You stayed focused, this will only lead to more positive hurdles to overcome. you now know you DO have it in you to stop and Im so proud of you that you did.

I got tears in my eyes reading your post. Good for you!!!!!!

Thanks everyone, you're all darling.

Wow you should be so proud of yourself for stopping it. I was once anorexic and now am struggling with bulimia as well. The emotions that come along with this disorder are so intense. It is a constant battle so feel proud that you were able to stop yourself. Hopefully you've gained the strength needed to stop it for good.

Danyele

How inspirational.....thank you for sharing your story! I wish I had your strength during my own times of weakness. I am getting there, but still have my own demons to face.

Dear Miss,

I completely share your experiences with food and the intense cravings. For me the urge comes after I enter my calories into fitday (after not before) I eat and find them way too high for me with a thyroid problem to lose.....I think..I've worked so hard for weeks to lose 1 or 2 pounds and the demons tell me...go ahead and really let loose...go eat a whole chocolate cake or the whole carton of ice cream....you've blown it anyway!

I am so proud of you for being able to say no to the demon inside of you and kick him to the curb! You are in charge of your life not the bulimia!

Thanks for sharing,
zippety

:)
 

Thank you all once again for your loving words. I'm in California this week visiting my boyfriend of two years. We're having a blast! Seeing the country side of Tahoe, El Dorado Hills, etc. It's beautiful here... I'm going to CSUS today to meet with an advisor to see exactly how many of my credits will transfer here for next fall... my DBF asked me to move in with him :D YAY!!! We went out to the country side for wine tasting, and saw all the apple farms. I love it here. Anyhow, thanks once again to all of you who've read my journal. I haven't been writing in it lately because I'm on vacation here. I'm going to go lounge by the pool!

Hey Miss! I love Tahoe....hubby and I had our honeymoon there when we lived in calif. How wonderful that you are starting on a new adventure in a different school. I hope that your BF loves you enough to marry you...live in relationships have a much higher divorce rate after they decide to marry. Respect yourself...you are a wonderul person with a lot to offer....the bulimia was a sign of low self esteem for me...I've been where you are....so happy for a BF to ask me to move in...I was young and naive and my bulimia got started....as I felt like I was in a continual audition for him to love me enough to want to commit. Turns out after I left him...I found the man of my dreams who would never dream of living with me before marriage. 19 years strong and still going! :-)
Take care of yourself

Good for you!- been there myself- takes a while to change an old habit- keep strong and good luck to you

That is wonderful! I have struggled with bulemia in the past and I know how hard it is to stop the binge/purge urge. You should be so proud of yourself!