Please Enlighten me

[Elizabeth2]

I haven't posted in my journal in a while. I am going through some pretty mixed up emotions lately, and I have wanted to create a post in this forum to ask for help, but I have put it off for a few weeks now because I don't know where to start.

First of all, let me say that I do believe that mental illness - specifically depresion and bipolar disorders are real and not manifestations as one of the other posters stated a few weeks ago.

I have read a lot about it, and I can see the symptoms, but I don't understand the behaviors it causes. This causes me so much turmoil.

Let me back up a bit. My husband and I have been together for 11 years. He was always moody, and sometimes would get in a bad mood that lasted for weeks. Early on in our relationship, he broke up with me very suddenly, and completely without feeling. This was completely opposite of the charming man that had brought me roses every week for 3 months. Something just snapped, and he turned off his feelings for me. I mistook this for fear of committment.

Throughout the years, we had several additional instances where his mood would snap and he would walk away from me for weeks at a time whether emotionally or physically. Since we have been married, it's only emotional abandonment.

He doesn't take criticism well, and if we ever have issues to talk out, he is completely unable. I came from a family of loud arguers, and I had to completely change the way in which I handle quarrels to suit him. My was is completely ineffective when dealing with him.

Still, we hit a wonderful place in our relationship and got along quite well for a long time when we decided to marry in 1995. There were still ups and downs, but they were not as severe because we knew how to handle them when they came up. We didn't label it or seek help, I just thought this is how he is.

We had our first child, a son, in 1997. That's when my hell on earth began. It was a difficult pregancy and birth and I found him to be consistently unavailable for me throughout the whole ordeal emotionally. My son was born via c-section, and I had a very difficult time with my recovery. Within days, DH was unable or uninterested in caring for his new son. He even said as much. He said that he had no feelings for him. He said he hated the crying and that he wasn't cut out to be a dad. He said that he hated what his son had done to his wife. (made me ill, took all my time, etc etc). This situation was bad enough, then his brother died tragically when our son was 7 weeks old.

DH fell into a deep depression, and I urged him to seek help. The Dr. put him on Zoloft. It seemed to help a bit. Mood swings were still fairly frequent, but I became very independent and tried to pick up the slack when he was unable or unwilling.

Our daughter was born in 1999. More of the same. Unavailable throughout difficult pregnancy and delivery, but I was an expert at mothering by this time, so I carried on.

In January 2001, DH decided that he wanted to quit smoking, so DR. put him on Wellbutrin, as well as the Zoloft.(He was successful in quitting)

Sometime in 2002, Dr. decided to take him off of the Zoloft. DH got so bad and hateful. I finally urged him to go back and to tell what was going on. I went with him, at his urging, and helped to tell the full story of how he had been living and behaving.

My belief and observations were that he was bipolar. Dr. examined, and concurred. DH was put on Zyprexa and Effexor in addition to the wellbutrin. Initially, we saw some good results, but in early July, he began to go downward again. We went on vacation, and he was completely miserable. He said all kinds of hateful things about the place we went to - we had rented a camper in a campground in VA - something we had never done before. He hated it and sat in a chair all day or slept in the air conditioner.

This is what I don't understand. We weren't even in a tent - we had running water, a bathroom, and AC. I could have been happy ANYWHERE - even in a tent! It wasn't what I expected, either, but I can CHOOSE to have fun if I want to. Our kids had a blast, and I had campfires in the evenings and told stories. DH slept. I hated him for being such a _______. Four days into the trip, DH decided to go home. I packed up the camper, cleaned it, and went to my parents beach house in DE. The kids and I had a wonderful time. DH never even called once.

He has yet to apologize for his behavior, and I am livid. Why can't he CHOOSE to be nice? If he can CHOOSE not to be physically violent because he knows that is wrong, or not to rob a bank because he know that is wrong, why can't he choose not to be hateful and uncaring to his family?

I have been his number one supporter and cheerleader for so long now. But I am getting so tired at pointing to the light at the end of the tunnel for him. The worst part is that he has so very much to be thankful for. A good job, good money, the ability to send his children to private school, a huge house, a loving supporting wife, clothes, food, it goes on and on and on.

How long can I keep tolerating his hateful attitude? At some point do I need to draw the obvious conclusion that he just doesn't care about us and try to reconstruct my life without him?

He says that he trusts me more than any other human being and that he loves me and that he doesn't want to be like this. I say then STOP!

He also says that when he is in the black pit of despair that he just doesn't care. About anything. Me, the kids, chores around the house...Nothing.

I hate him so much sometimes. But I could still be head over heels in love with him, too. Even after being wiht him for 11 years! I don't want to divorce. I want the man I know that he can be. I am so tired of carrying all the weight. He even had the _____ to say that I don't do anything around the house!!!

I wrote a list, and I do 4 times the things he does. What gets me is that he hasn't even apologized for his behavior. He doesn't even care if I cry. I get NOTHING. No emotion whatsoever.

I went with him again to his counselor last night, and I laid it all out for her. I told her everything (right in front of him). We haven't really even spoken since we were on vacation, so this was the first time hearing it. I told her that my paitence and support has a limit.

She wants to introduce yet another drug into his system. This one is supposed to be a mood stabilizer. Supposedly very common for bipolar people to need a cocktail to get their chemistries right in their heads. I say it's VERY SCARY! Too many meds!

DH even talked about ECT therapy last night and said that he would consider it if it would pull him back from the blackness. I think that's not a good idea, and will do what I can to try to dissuade him from following up with this line of inquiry.

I just don't know what to do. Do bipolar people really have NO CONTROL over their behavior and attitudes? Am I being unreasonable to expect anything from him?

PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND!!!!

Thanks for being so patient and reading this excessively long post through to the end.

[Lunula]

Elizabeth,

My heart just aches for you!

I don't who said bipolar & depression aren't "real" - but I beg to differ (and so would many others). There will always be debates regarding the validity of different mental health conditions, because many of them cannot be <i>proven</i> (at least not yet). Science is just beginning to find proof of the differences in the brains of those suffering from mental problems, and to say they're "not real" just makes the problems worse (denial of an issue is never constructive).

Anyway - I just wanted to say, as difficult as it might be at times - you have a commitment to take care of YOURSELF and your KIDS, and if the relationship with your husband is damaging your self-esteem or your children's, I firmly believe you must do something to stop it.

If your husband has a mental illness (or a combination of them) - then your asking him to change just won't work. He must want to get better, he must seek out his own answers, he must 100% dedicated to seeing counselors, getting checkups, adjusting his diet/exericise, takings his meds, etc. - obviously, this can be very difficult because... well, he doesn't have the motivation to do this because of the depression. He has to want it, he really really has to want it... otherwise, he is just cashing in his victim card and saying, "I don't want these things to happen, but I can't control them!"

Sounds like you're on the right track (counselors, meds, diet, etc.) - do not blame yourself when things happen and do not let him "get away" with mistreating you & his children by blaming his mental problems.

You are not responsible for him. You are NOT responsible for him! You love him, you want him to get better, you do not want him to mistreat you and your family - but you cannot control him, you can only support him, just don't stay there if you or your kids are being damaged. :(

One of my best friends a few years back was diagnosed with bipolar/depression. He would run the extremes of being the absolute life of the party, telling jokes & stories, making everyone laugh and was THE center of attention wherever he went - to being utterly hopeless/miserable and self-destructive. He regularly discussed suicide, tried a few times... and eventually succeeded. He sought treatment on & off, and at the time of his death, we all thought he was on the up-turn (however, he'd actually gone off his meds and had ceased seeing his counselors).

<b>I KNOW these diseases are REAL and I KNOW they can be very painful & destructive.</b> But I also feel very strongly that those suffering from them cannot use them as an excuse to mistreat others around them. I had to cut-off ties with my friend a few times during our relationship because he was doing things that put my life at risk... and that was not acceptable.

Sorry for being so long-winded. I sincerely hope you & your family find peace, help and treatment for all of this. There are centers (I know my friend went to one when he was initially diagnosed) that provide intensive "rehabilitation" - nutrition and meds-counseling, therapists, alternative-medicine, etc. and you may want to look into that. Oh... and don't forget to take care of yourself through all of this - you can't be supportive or "there for" your family if you're not getting proper support! :)

[DuPont]

My mother in law is bipolar, and the drs finally got the right "cocktail" of medication for her so that she has been stable now for about 10 years. I think it is possible for you and your husband to come out of this with the right medication and therapy. You have to figure out which meds work for him and which don't, everyone is different. He can lead a normal happy life with the right cocktail, and most importantly he has to stay on the meds.

[Kristine]

Hi Elizabeth,

My sympathy for your situation. :( I can't imagine how frustrating that must be. You've been doing all the giving. You must be dreadfully lonely.

<i>"Do bipolar people really have NO CONTROL over their behavior and attitudes?"</i>

Well, that's a little like suggesting that overweight people should be able to control their eating - though technically you can control eating, you can't control mixed up metabolism and brain chemistry that tells you to eat more calories than you need. If you try to starve, you end up bingeing. Likewise with depression - you can technically control your behaviour, but it's very difficult when you've got so much sadness, anxiety, greif and anger spinning around in your head and it won't go away.

But you do have a right to expect him to be responsible for his behaviour. It's up to him to say to himself, "okay, I have a disease and I have to start being careful around my wife and kids." You guys need to negotiate (with help of the counsellor) and find some coping strategies for him. You need to establish some boundaries for acceptable behaviour. I absolutely agree with Lunula - if you or your kids are being harmed in any way (including being emotionally stressed), you need to have a place where you can take off to for a while - parents, in-laws, etc. *sigh* I hate to bring up the word "separation," but if he's ever being "hateful" toward you, he needs to get himself straightened out before you go back to the relationship. He needs to accept that responsibility as "husband" and care for you, even if it's a struggle.

Having said that, it sounds like you're on the right track. Don't give up on the meds. There are many different ones and it takes trial and error to find the right ones. I'd say save the electric shock stuff as a last resort. That's a zombie making machine.

*sigh* Keep us posted, if you'd like. I'm praying for a happy ending for you.

[destro]

Elizabeth, I am SO SORRY for what you are going through. Here's what my own experience with bi-polar people tells me: Everything you wrote about your husband and your relationship and his changing moods rings very very true to me.

While I cannot explain any of it, I wonder if you have read any of the books by Kay Jameson? I think that is her name. I might be wrong. She writes extensively about how it feels to be bi-polar. AND she has come to a sort of understanding of how frustrating it is for her family and friends.

It seems to me that the problem is not your husband per se, but that he has not yet found the correct treatment plan. I hope that you both persist. I have had some bi-polar friends and sometimes it takes a very long time for them to find the right meds that will help them to co-exist peacefully with friends, family, work, etc. BUT with trial and error it can happen.

Obviously your first responsibility is to your children and then to yourself, but I am so glad to hear that you are persisting. I hope that you keep on writing about this. I have had a lot of personal success in helping myself by writing about my problems (and the problems of those around me).

I think that you clearly see that having an "illness" does not make a person "bad" but the tricky thing about emotional anguish and illness is that the person's behaviour is so hard to predict or accept. I know that the combination of drug therapy and traditional talking therapy has helped the people in my life.

ECT has helped one person I know. And that is the ONLY person I know who had ECT. She is also bi-polar. When she had ECT a few years back she was in the hospital. Clearly my one example does not make up a scientific study!

It's so hard, isn't it!? I hope that you will keep on writing.

Natalie

[Elizabeth2]

I have been so frustrated by my husband's mental illness, for so long. People don't understand, and I don't want my family to think ill of him. I keep it pretty much to myself. I do confide for the most part to my best friend. And she has been very supportive. Sometimes it's difficult to explain why I can't go shopping with her, or go spend the day with her. These are reasonable things for a grown woman to do from time to time - to go have some alone time with their friends...but I NEVER do.

DH isn't able to cope with the aggravation of two small children fighting and whining and crying. He has no patience for that. I don't think he WOULD hurt them. If I thought that, there's no way that I'd stay there...but I can imagine that it COULD happen...so I NEVER take the chance. My parents think I am making life too easy on him in that he doesn't have to be responsible for his own children, etc., but they don't understand the depth of the situation. It is so much easier for me to be away from them if I know that they are completely safe.

I cannot begin to express how much I have appreciated the responses from each of you: Natalie, Kristine, DuPont, and Lunula. I feel like it has renewed my desire to work through these issues, and I was really at the end of my rope. It feels good to be able to have this place to go to and pour my heart out to, and get a response from such thoughtful people who are caring enough to share their feelings, insights, and encouragement.

While things are not great, I think we're both trying again. And that's a start. I will continue to post in this thread when I feel frustrated, and hopefully it will all work out.

Take good care,

-Beth