Deeply Depressed...Help

[cristian]

Hello, everyone. I am glad that there is this forum for people on low carb and have other problems. I am so depressed right now and this morning I had an anxiety attack. I know where my problem is coming from. It took us about 4 years to get pregnant. When I did, we were so happy. Now my son is 2 and I think of death so much. I wish I could live forever, I wish my son could live forever. I am so scared of dying and leaving him behind. That is why I am obsessed with eating foods that prevent cancer. I want to live to be an old lady. In december, the doctor put me in the hospital. I had a horrible panic attack. I was alone with my son and watching the news about this lady going on trial for killing her 3 kids. I was very angry at how a mother could do that...then I started roll playing in my mind and that made me go mad. I was shaken that my pressure soared up and I had a 104 fever that the meds could not make it go down. I have always roll played but now it involves my kid. I love him so much but just imagining someone doing something to him, makes me nuts. And then the news doesn't help much. I had stopped my medication for a week but today went back on it and found out the hard way that I still have a long way to go. I am sorry I am making this long but this really helps. I emailed my aunt and talked to a co worker and when I do that, I calm down. I am at work and when I feel this horrible thoughts, I picture my son's sweet smile, him sleeping in my arms, feeling safe. The mind is a very dangerous thing. I will never go off my medications. I have heard that people have been on it for years. Well, I rather be on it for years then to go through these horrible episodes. At this moment I feel like crying so much but I am at work. I want to hug my child and say I am sorry for letting me have such a horrible imagination. I love him so much.

Has anyone felt this way with their kids.

[Jerzee]

Although I can't say I have been in your situation, I too suffer from depression/anxiety and like any parent I worry about my son. Trust in yourself and your abilities as a parent and just know that little guy looks to you for what he needs, his mommy. You have to keep it together for him, you cannot let your condition effect your parenting if you can help it. I know that is easier said than done, but you can do it. Trust in God, trust in yourself and let your love for your child lead you.

[cristian]

Thank you Jerzee. It seems like I have had depression since may of last year. First of all, we went on vacation and on our way back, I had a panic attack in the airplane. I fear flying. Well, it felt like the plane was going to crash...and it was such a smooth ride too. When we arrived and I tried to stand up, my legs would not help me. It took me about 2 weeks to get over it. Then my husband switched to a 12 hour/day job. He leaves at 5am and doesn't get home til 7. All summer I was at home cleaning. I did not go out anywhere. And we are the type of people that go out friday, sat, & sunday. Well none of that last year. Then in December, I had the worse anxiety attack ever. I was watching the news about this lady and I got really upset and starting getting nervous. I felt that I would do something to my child...let me just say that I did not plan on hurting my child. It is just the thought of a mother doing that kind of thing, that made me very upset. The thought of a mother faltering in her love for her child. I took my child and drove to my parents house until my husband got home. I could not sleep that night of guilt of the horrible things going through my mind. I couldn't stand the idea of a mother doing harm to her child. Well, the next day, I lost it. I was ok in the morning but I needed to take my child to his babysitter where I knew he would be safe. Then at work, I went nuts. I was crying and crying and feeling very guilty and depressed. I called my doctor several times and finally he told me to go the hospital. He called my parents and my babysitter and told them that for no reason could I pick up my child. When I found out about this (I was already at the hospital), it really hit me. I could not believe I was in the hospital for depression and they were keeping because of "homicide ideation" as stated on the report. I kept telling the doctors that I was not planning to do anything to my child. My child is the dearest thing to me on this earth...this earth could fall apart but as long as my child is ok, I don't care. I was just very upset role playing myself doing this to my child. It was something impossible and something very scary. I hope I am not scaring anyone out there. I love my child so much that it hurts. I worry about his health. I worry knowing if he is not eating enough. Everything about him worries me. But what scares me the most, is the fact that a mother can break and not care what she does to her kids. When I see news like this, I get very scared and I pray so much for those kids and I pray God to protect me and help me with my anxiety. I feel so much better now. I am not alone since December. My sister in law lives in the apartment downstairs and it is very nice. As soon as I get home, I open my kitchen door so my kid can play with this twin cousins. They run up and down and outside and all that helps me relax. I am sorry this is so long but this is helping me now with my anxiety.

[Jerzee]

Good morning cristian.


How are you feeling today? How is your son? That must have been a very scary ordeal for you. What did you say to them to make them think you were a danger to your child? Perhaps the doctors saw something you did not and wanted to do something to protect the child. Not that you were ever going to do someting to hurt him, but after seeing what happened with Andrea Yates it was thier duty to do something to prevent any potential harm to the child.

That must have really blown you away, its a very scary thing when things quickly get out of hand. Are you getting help for your anxiety? I have a bad anxiety problem and my doctor has had me on Buspar for more than a year now and it has helped me deal control my anxiety and live a normal life. For a while there I was so messed up that I had such a hard time with my teenage son. He needed me and I wasn't there like I should have been. I tried explaining it to him and although he listened and understood, he is still just a kid and he is not responsible for my shortcomings.

I hope you had a good weekend, the weather here at the Jersey shore was beautiful and I really hated coming back to work this morning.

Take care,

Frank

[cristian]

Hi Jerzee, I am fine. Thank you for asking. So far I have had one really bad anxiety attack (december) and what i had the other day was just mild. I have some Ativan on hand so when I do feel like I am going to get anxiety. I am currently on wellbutrin for depression. When I was in the hospital, they told me that I had to stay because I was very upset. I asked my psychiatrist why did they put "homicide ideation" on the hospital report and he explained that I mentioned the fact that I was nervous being around my child and they used it for precaution. I made it very clear that I would never hurt him, it was just that the news gets me really nervous. If someone is killed, kidnapped, rapped, or medical problems, that all gets me very upset and nervous. However, I always think, what if this happens to my child and that just makes me very upset. I love my child so much that I fear anything happening to him.

But anxiety is horrible and my problem is hereditary because after I left the hospital I found out it runs in the family. One of my mom's sister had a bad anxiety attack. My mom's brother had a much worse one. He actually had a stroke because of it. Then about 2 years ago my problem developed anxiety attacks and his are much worse then mine. I have had 2 within 6 months. He had them several times a day. He got medication but he was getting hooked on it. He didn't want to work (and he has 2 kids to support). He didn't want to go out. I am not kidding when I say that he would not go out for months. He just got a job and that seemed to lift him up.

How old is your son? Turn to God for help! He works wonders.

[Twinmom]

I'm very sorry that you are suffering so much. But I am glad that you have the presence of mind to identify your fears and feelings and seek out help.

The frightening truth is that some women who kill their children do it because they love them. These women suffer from psychosis and truly believe that the best thing they can do for their children is to end their supposed suffering by killing them. It's not a reasonable or rational way to think. I think that is why your doctors were concerned by your statements.

I do know how you feel about your child. I have twin daughters who just turned one and I love them so much, I can't imagine anything bad or evil happening to them. I want to do everything I can to protect them from all the ugliness in the world.

But I can't protect them from everything. What I can do is give them the tools to protect themselves. Teach them how to love, how to be compassionate, how to be self-reliant and self-confidant, how to defend themselves, and mostly, how to love themselves.

Continue to use the resources available to you. Your doctors, your medications, your family and friends, this forum. I just joined and am very happy I did. I just started the Atkins diet after many unsuccessful attempts at other diets and I really hope I make it this time. The one thing different now than all those times before, is this message board. I just don't think I can do it alone. I'm so glad that there are non-judgemental people here to whom I can vent and from whom I can seek out help.

Best of luck to you. You will be in my thoughts.

Betsy

[cristian]

Thank you TwinMom. It is really hard to talk about something so difficult. I didn't know that those women killed their kids because they loved them and wanted to end their misery. WOW! It is a really weird way of thinking. I would never hurt my child....I don't even slap his hand when he grabs something he shouldn't. I now understand why the doctors kept me in. I never planned to hurt my child or even dared. My anxiety came from watching the news about that lady. I love my mom dearly and I know how grand a mother's love is and I could not comprehend how their could be such a terrible flaw. The good thing is that mine was like a one time episode. IT is bad when they reoccur in a small amount of time (per my pschyatrist).

So you have twins. How nice. I would love to have twins. My husband's sister has twins girls, 3 years old. They were born prematurely at 7 months. They only weighed 2 lbs and 3 lbs but if you saw them now, you wouldn't believe that they were that small. One of them weight 53 lbs!!!! :eek: :eek: The other twin (Adriana) weight 35 lbs. I am concerned with the heavier twin (Alex) because she is overweight and she eats non stop. She will have her 3 meals a day (well served) and then snacks a lot. There has been times when she is so full that she throws up and even then she keeps on snacking. I have been tempted to tell my sister in law about this woe for kids but I don't want her to get insulted. She is aware of her daughters problem and has tried not to buy twinkies, etc but sometimes she gives in to her daughter. Any advice?

[Twinmom]

It's something I worry about alot. Because I have struggled with my weight and with compulsive eating, I worry about my kids having the same problem. I have been trying to do several things to get them going on the right track. First, I serve them healthy food. No chicken nuggets or french fries. They eat fruits, veggies, tofu, yogurt, fish, pasta, and rice. I also give them sweet treats, usually a lime juice bar or sorbet. No cookies or cakes (except on their birthday).

Another thing I have done (actually since they were born) is to never use food as a pacifier. When they were first born I nursed them every 2 and a half - 3 hours. As they got older, I put them on a meal schedule. Whenever they got upset or hurt, I would comfort them with hugs and kisses and sweet talk, never with food. The upside of all this is that they never had to nurse or take a bottle right before bedtime in order to go to sleep.

I know that alot of eating disorders like compulsive eating have more to do with poor self-esteem than with the desire to eat, so the other thing I'm trying to do is to be sure I don't do anything to undermine their self-confidence. They are very young right now, so mostly now I just make them feel secure. I'm always there when they need me.

As for your niece, she may just be a big child. One of my kids is a little bigger than the other, even though they eat the same amount of food! But, if you suspect poor eating habits, I think I would suggest talking to her mom and dad about it. Even though they may respond negatively to you, I think it is important. I think it would be way easier to repair an eating disorder in a young child than in an adult. I wish my parents had been aware of my situation when I was a kid. You might suggest that they give the child 4 smaller meals a day about 4 hours apart. If that isn't possible, then snacktime should be a sit down time and the snacks, of course, should be veggies or fruit or something healthy. Also, if the child eats alot of junk food, I don't think I would recommend stopping the junk cold turkey, she may feel like she is being punished for eating junk food. I think I would just stress the importance of healthy bodies and healthy eating, and then adding in a few junky treats (but not as a reward for eating healthy, just for fun).

I hope this helps. It's a subject near and dear to my heart.

Betsy