Why is it?

[Carmen51]

I've lost quite a bit now - bought all new clothes because my old pants fell off me without unbuttoning. Now the new ones are getting almost as loose. I noticed my boss looked like she'd lost a few pounds - her clothes were a bit loose, and I mentioned that she looked like she'd lost weight. She went on and on for 15 minutes about how, yes, she had lost a bit but not enough for new clothes yet, etc., etc. Yet, not one single person has said a word to me about my weight loss - not even family members. Am I invisible? It's really quite disappointing.

[ShayKNJ]

I know exactly how you feel. It has happened to me numerous times. I have been told that it is not as noticeable to people who see you all the time but rather noticeable to people who you don't see as often.

Great work, keep it up! :wave:

[Elizellen]

Really the only way to encourage the compliments is to ask for them in my experience.

Maybe not to say "did you notice I have lost weight?" but to find a way to mention that you are on a weightloss regime and are enjoying it, or bemoan the expense of needing to buy yet smaller clothes as these are getting too loose, etc.

Most of us are wary about commenting on other people's weight unless we know they are trying to change it.

[JFP 1975]

Hi Carmen!

If your stats are accurate, it looks like you have lost about 12 pounds. Congratulations!!

I can totally relate to people not commenting on your weight loss. I lost 40 (yes, 40) pounds before anyone mentioned anything, other than my husband (who gets constant updates on my losses, so he doesn't count :lol: ). And I, too, had purchased new (read: better fitting) clothes. It puzzled me, but I didn't let it get to me because I'm not losing this weight for anyone but myself!

I think there are several reasons people don't notice/don't comment:

1) If people aren't "tuned in" to losing, they might not even notice it at all; they're just busy going on about their day (for example, you noticed your boss' weight loss, but perhaps that's because you are attuned to look for such things)

2) As Elizellen pointed out, people may be reluctant to comment unless they know for sure you're trying to lose...and corollary to this, by commenting on your weight loss, some people worry that the subtle message is still a negative one (e.g. "Wow...you look great! Are you losing weight?" could sound like, "Wow! You look much better than you did last month....when you were really fat.")

3) There are people who just don't notice...period. My weight loss came up in conversation with someone, and the person I was talking to was just blown away that I had lost 40 lbs...they literally did not see it, until I pointed it out.

Don't sweat it...it will come, and even if it takes a long time or some gentle prodding, remember that you are your own best cheerleader and you can acknowledge your own success!!

[Love2Write]

My family hasn't noticed at all either. As a gift recently I was given gift cards to a plus size store that only carries sizes too big for me. I bought bras with them.

Someone else recently posted a similar topic and I commented in that one as well. It is extremely disheartening. I'm down multiple sizes and (at last measurement) 12 inches off my waist alone. Seems impossible that no one would see it.

But at this point I'm taking it as a compliment to how well I must have carried my weight. ;)

[lovemypets]

I work with mainly men (only 3 of us women in the office) so it really comes to no surprise that no one has noticed (or commented) on my weight loss.

But that's ok :)

I see myself in the mirror and know how much I have changed (appearance and feeling).

The best thing is when I get home from working and my husband hugs me and says
"you're shrinking" ;)

[cnmLisa]

Hmmmm....

I'm going to turn this around and be the devil:devil:


Are you doing this for you, or are you doing this for compliments?


I've seen this time and time again posted on the forum people who are disappointed that friends co-workers etc haven't commented on their weight loss.

Revel in your own weight loss. Don't rely on what others think or what they do or don't notice. JMO


Progressnot perfection.

Lisa

[oblong]

Hmmmm....

I'm going to turn this around and be the devil:devil:


Are you doing this for you, or are you doing this for compliments?


I've seen this time and time again posted on the forum people who are disappointed that friends co-workers etc haven't commented on their weight loss.

Revel in your won weight loss. Don't rely on what others think or what they do or don't notice. JMO


Progressnot perfection.

Lisa
:thup: I agree.

I just posted on another thread about compliments, and while it's really lovely to receive them occasionally, I didn't receive them until I started lifting weights and really changing my body composition (7 months and 30lbs in to my journey). Actually, sometimes it's a little embarrassing when someone at work who barely knows me starts commenting on how much weight I've lost.

[Carmen51]

My stats are not current - I've lost 20 pounds and gone from size 22 to 18. Guess I thought that since I had congratulated her on her weight loss and another co-worker on hers as well, that one of them would have reciprocated by commenting on mine. I wasn't fishing for a compliment but when I get a completely different hairstyle or lose 20 pounds and no one even notices, it makes me feel like I'm invisible.

[bmore4now]

Aww Carmen!

You're certainly not invisible to us. I have a long way to go and can only give limited advice, but remember you are doing this for yourself and you see you and the changes you've made. Rely on yourself for a boost. All others will be icying on the cake. (Oops) splenda on the cream cheese! :yum: LOL

[LCTwinkie]

Time to poke the devil :) /me gets out holy water...

Recognition for our efforts from others can be an integral part to doing something for ourselves. They notice another person in her workplace, but not her...

I'd suggest a more radical new look, if at all possible. No one at school noticed the weight I'd lost the first time til I did my hair and wore makeup (I usually did pony tail and no makeup; wasn't feeling very good about myself until I started BEING good to myself.)

Yeah, hair and makeup to notice that my okole was three sizes smaller. Go figure.

[cnmLisa]

Time to poke the devil :) /me gets out holy water...

You made me laugh:devil: :p

[bonechew]

I know it's hard to see other people glowing in their success on the weight front. I remember I didn't hear any comments till I had dropped 30 lbs. One guy said, "Wow, your face has really changed." Because that was all he looked at/focused on while communicating with me. He never looked at my body.

And when I am heavy, I wear clothes that flow. I do not wear tight or revealing clothing. So I guess it would be easy for someone to not really see 20 lbs melting off till my silhouette against the backdrop had changed enough for their minds to register the difference.

Besides, none of these people are your good friends, so who cares if they notice.

[oblong]

There could be a whole host of reasons why people don't compliment others about their weight. I for one very rarely say anything when I've noticed that they've lost weight. I will tell someone that they are looking well, even amazing, but because I have always struggled with my own weight I don't comment on other peoples' weight because it might make them feel uncomfortable.

Perhaps your coworkers have similar feelings to me. Or perhaps they are oblivious to everything around them. They will probably start to notice when you've lost another 20lbs and then they won't shut up about how slim you're looking!! :)

[WereBear]

Believe me, lots of people do notice; but don't want to say anything. What if you're sick? What if you're doing something else medical? What if (gulp) you aren't, you're just wearing something different or doing something with your hair?

Most people are either not observant, or not confident about what their observations mean.

So just cruise along until the day, as happened to me, a co-worker blurts out, "My god! You've lost a TON of weight!"

[scthgharpy]

Man.. Ran into a couple of co-workers while doing our mini-lifts with a friend from another department. He boasted about me benching 125 (which he thinks is totally boss-and true, btw). A few days or so later I walk into a meeting, and everyone's laughing and suddenly stops, a "speak of the devil moment" and one gal says, hey we were just talking about you. The one coworker had her eyes down. I know exactly what they were laughing at.

So enjoy your compliments ladies... beats still getting laughed at even though Ive lost 25 pounds and Im strong as hell.

[oblong]

Man.. Ran into a couple of co-workers while doing our mini-lifts with a friend from another department. He boasted about me benching 125 (which he thinks is totally boss-and true, btw). A few days or so later I walk into a meeting, and everyone's laughing and suddenly stops, a "speak of the devil moment" and one gal says, hey we were just talking about you. The one coworker had her eyes down. I know exactly what they were laughing at.

So enjoy your compliments ladies... beats still getting laughed at even though Ive lost 25 pounds and Im strong as hell.
Wait, why the hell were they laughing at you??

You bench press 125lbs!?

:agree: :agree: :agree:

[mainecyn]

I had lost almost 20 lbs before anyone said anything about my weight loss, my clothes were hanging off as well. It was someone at work. They told me and then explained that they didn't want to make me uncomfortable bringing up my weight (I was almost 220 lbs at the time) and or drawing attention to it. I had another lady tell me she was afraid to say anything because sometimes you don't know if it is a medical reason like illness, or a death and/or divorce in the family.

"speak of the devil moment"
Had those as well and often I'd walk in with others talking about me and then they shut up as soon as I walked in all embarrassed.

[Brinethery]

Hmmmm....

I'm going to turn this around and be the devil:devil:


Are you doing this for you, or are you doing this for compliments?


I've seen this time and time again posted on the forum people who are disappointed that friends co-workers etc haven't commented on their weight loss.

Revel in your own weight loss. Don't rely on what others think or what they do or don't notice. JMO


Progressnot perfection.

Lisa

I totally agree with Lisa.

I'd like to add to what she said by saying that most people these days are concentrating on themselves and the issues they're dealing with such as the bad economy, paying bills, juggling schedules, etc. It's a fact that they're probably not going to notice at first. You could also ask yourself this: would you have noticed your boss's weightloss had you not been on a weightloss plan yourself? Keep in mind that I ask that with the most kindness and sincerity.

These kinds of questions help me put things into perspective when I don't get the kinds of responses that I would have liked to have. I have this habit of taking peoples' reactions out of context. For example, I'll talk to someone and they look off into the distance for a couple of seconds. At first, I take that as "they're bored and don't think I have anything important to say. I might as well not say anything seeing that I don't matter." But in reality, they're probably tired, worried, it can be anything that doesn't have anything to do with me.

But back to the fact that people haven't been noticing... If you stay on track, they are going to notice. Let me throw one example out there. Who on here didn't notice Drew Carey's weightloss? I was so impressed that he did low-carb and dropped 80 pounds!

For the time being, you can start paying yourself compliments for your progress, and treating yourself with a large dose of compassion and kindness for any "bumps" along the road.

Congratulations on being able to buy smaller pants, what a *great* reward! :)

[bonechew]

Wait, why the hell were they laughing at you??

You bench press 125lbs!?



OK, I don't get it either. I guess I don't know why they are laughing at you for pressing 125lbs/being super strong/losing weight???

What about you is laughable? I would laugh at you also if I knew what was so funny. I like to snicker at people as much as the next guy, but nothing about this produces even a smirk....

Do you need me to drive up there? The two of us can take them on, no problem. :lol:

[cldade55]

My size has changed, my shape has not. The clothes I wear now are similar in style to the ones I wore when I was fatter. The people I see every day do not notice because the process is gradual. The friends and family I see less often, do notice. Those who know me well know I like pats on the back and take the time to give them to me.

[LCTwinkie]

I was leaning forward to reach something and my husband came up behind me and said my name in a serious tone of voice. I thought something was wrong.

He said, "I can tell you're losing weight. When you stretched out like that you were like long cat, and looked skinny."

(Long cat is at Icanhascheezburger.com )

[cnmLisa]

Do you need me to drive up there? The two of us can take them on, no problem. :lol:
Jeez, she can bench press 125#...I think she can take them on her own:thup:

[CMCM]

I've lost quite a bit now - bought all new clothes because my old pants fell off me without unbuttoning. Now the new ones are getting almost as loose. I noticed my boss looked like she'd lost a few pounds - her clothes were a bit loose, and I mentioned that she looked like she'd lost weight. She went on and on for 15 minutes about how, yes, she had lost a bit but not enough for new clothes yet, etc., etc. Yet, not one single person has said a word to me about my weight loss - not even family members. Am I invisible? It's really quite disappointing.

People who see you daily or at least frequently don't notice your loss so easily, just because weight loss is incremental and they are seeing you every step of the way. Not a single person I know or in my family said a word to me about it, but awhile back I saw someone who hadn't seen me since before I started losing in March 2010, and she was blown away by the difference and noticed it immediately. And later, I was chatting with my mom, who had said nothing at all about it but she finally remarked how much weight I'd lost, and all this time I'd thought she just didn't notice. I guess people just don't comment on weight loss all that much, either.

[reddarin]

I work with mainly men (only 3 of us women in the office) so it really comes to no surprise that no one has noticed (or commented) on my weight loss.

I know this is an old post but I'd like to let you girls know that we do notice when you lose weight if it is a lot like you have lovemypets. I'd be pretty surprised if those guys haven't all said something to one another about your slimmer look.

Complimenting you about it? Well now, that is a whole nother kettle of fish.

It is a huge thin ice area to say something sort of personal like you are looking skinny or good or whatever. What if it comes out wrong and you start balling?

heh :p

[icecold99]

The last time I was at 50 LBS before anyone noticed. But hey new clothes means your are doing GREAT!
Ed

[sexym2]

I know this is an old post but I'd like to let you girls know that we do notice when you lose weight if it is a lot like you have lovemypets. I'd be pretty surprised if those guys haven't all said something to one another about your slimmer look.

Complimenting you about it? Well now, that is a whole nother kettle of fish.

It is a huge thin ice area to say something sort of personal like you are looking skinny or good or whatever. What if it comes out wrong and you start balling?

heh :p

That is a cheap excuse for a man to get out of throwing out a compliment. My BF wont give compliments, he says if he does it would probably be the wrong thing and he's get into trouble. Even if you guys said something like, You did you change something? or " You look really good", or " What have you been doing to yourself, you are looking good." Of course you can't make it sound sexual, but we all like compliments from time to time, even you guys.

[LilyB]

That is a cheap excuse for a man to get out of throwing out a compliment. My BF wont give compliments, he says if he does it would probably be the wrong thing and he's get into trouble. Even if you guys said something like, You did you change something? or " You look really good", or " What have you been doing to yourself, you are looking good." Of course you can't make it sound sexual, but we all like compliments from time to time, even you guys.
And yet, I've seen men get REAMED at work for attempting to "compliment" a pretty woman, and she took it to HR. Sometimes, it is "safer" to say nothing...



Congrats on the new, smaller pants! What if you waltzed in to work and said, "Hey, do you like my new pants? They're THREE SIZES SMALLER!" Kind of hard to be given an opening like THAT and not respond favorably...

[shannone10]

That is a cheap excuse for a man to get out of throwing out a compliment. My BF wont give compliments, he says if he does it would probably be the wrong thing and he's get into trouble. Even if you guys said something like, You did you change something? or " You look really good", or " What have you been doing to yourself, you are looking good." Of course you can't make it sound sexual, but we all like compliments from time to time, even you guys.

Actually I think it is an excellent post from a guy who is clearly a class act.

Like others have said, weight is a very touchy subject. Very personal. I will very rarely compliment on it to another woman. Because, as others have pointed out, it might not be intentional.

[aj_cohn]

I'm a guy, and I second LilyB's observation. Just the fear of a sexual harassment complaint keeps my mouth shut when female co-workers lose weight. I'd sooner compliment them on an attractive clothing ensemble. Even then, I choose my words very carefully.

[CMCM]

Many people are so consumed with themselves, they don't really notice others. Others might be reluctant to say anything, figuring you would speak about it if you wanted to.

[Equinox]

Men are often oblivious. It's not weight-related, but I once played in a band for a year, keyboards, and one evening arrived at practice with my long hair suddenly dyed bright, bright red (My avatar pic was taken after hennaing, I'm really sort of light brown-haired).

Not a soul noticed. The others were all guys, early or mid-twenties, and one of them HAD A CRUSH ON ME, and noone saw it, not even him.

[Carmen51]

My boss is a woman, and she is militantly anti-low carb. I suspect that's the reason she doesn't say anything about my other co-worker's weight loss or mine since we are both doing low carb and she is doing Weight Watchers.

When someone had sweets for a birthday treat, she made the comment that 'Julie' wouldn't eat it (and neither do I but she didn't say so), and would only eat treats if it was hamburgers. I said, well she would eat treats if it was a veggies & dip tray or meat and cheese instead of sugar. She said that 'Julie doesn't eat vegetables or fruit'. I tried to tell her that you eat veggies & fruits on low carb, just not starchy or high sugar stuff, but she did not listen. Then she went on about how awful it is that she eats the fats from meats and coconut oil, etc. There's no reasoning with her at all. She said her daughter had taken a 'nutrition' class in school that warned them of the dangers of low carb, how it's bad for you, and ineffective. Ineffective? Julie has gone from a size 20 to a 12 doing low carb - not sure how my boss can say it's ineffective or unhealthy, but she does.

I even told her my vet had recommended grain free food for my cats because they were overweight in spite of reducing their food intake with regular cat food. The grain free food has worked like magic and they lost a lot of weight. She just commented that I should change back to the regular food and use 'portion control', which I had just told her was not working.

Anyway, she will not reciprocate when I congratulate her on her weight loss, and I suspect it's because I'm doing low carb and she would have to admit that low carb is an effective and healthy way to lose weight.

[WereBear]

Ineffective? Julie has gone from a size 20 to a 12 doing low carb - not sure how my boss can say it's ineffective or unhealthy, but she does.

That sounds like dramatic and awesome results!

I even told her my vet had recommended grain free food for my cats because they were overweight in spite of reducing their food intake with regular cat food. The grain free food has worked like magic and they lost a lot of weight. She just commented that I should change back to the regular food and use 'portion control', which I had just told her was not working.

Anyway, she will not reciprocate when I congratulate her on her weight loss, and I suspect it's because I'm doing low carb and she would have to admit that low carb is an effective and healthy way to lose weight.

Yup, my own low carb experience led to me giving my cats grain free foods, too. Their fur got softer & shinier and the Wegie mix stopped throwing up every day.

I think you are right; if she admits it, she'll be the one who is wrong. Not a lot you can do about that... especially when she's your boss!

[Carmen51]

Yes, Werebere, my cats are a lot healthier and one who had dry skin is greatly improved. I also have a Westie - a shelter dog rescued from abuse and negelect, and he gets a grain-free food made locally from all organic meats. My animals eat better than I do lol - can't afford all organic grass-fed meats or all organic foods for myself.

[CMCM]

I know exactly how you feel. It has happened to me numerous times. I have been told that it is not as noticeable to people who see you all the time but rather noticeable to people who you don't see as often.

Great work, keep it up! :wave:

This is absolutely it! I lost 20 pounds, and no one I see daily seemed to have noticed a thing, likely because they were seeing all the incremental changes as I went down, so it wasn't a big sudden deal. But then I saw someone I hadn't seen in 6 months, and she went WOW and noticed it right away and was all excited about it, because she never saw all the intermediary steps in the loss.

[Selena125t]

This is a little different from what I've read so far, but I have previously lost 50 pounds with a combo of starting on Atkins, quitting too soon and trying diet pills and maniac workouts for th rest. But when I lost the first 20 or so I wasn't expecting anyone to say anything because I couldn't really see any difference myself. Then I lost 20 more and I was still wearing my old clothes (I was rigging them to stay on with homemade drawstring and safety pins) so I still felt fatter than I was. I have a very supportive mama who notices immediately whether I have lost or gained (she knows before the scale knows) so she was a great cheerleader always commenting on how good I was looking and what have you. But then I mentioned to her that no one was saying anything at work, my friends weren't and I was sad about it. So I met up with a friend i hadn't seen in a month and she saw me and said "wow, you are small I can see it already". I asked her why she thought no one else could "see it", she told me point blank "people are jealous, you are doing something they aren't doing or can't do and they would rather eat fire than support you". It opened my eyes immediately.

[sprinkles]

People don't say anything because it is usually fairly uncouth to say something to anyone about their weight. I wouldn't say anything to someone unless it was like 100 lbs weight loss and holy-crap-they-just-ran-a-marathon. Otherwise I would be afraid to pry or invade or be nosy.

[Equinox]

Also, people have mostly noticed my weight loss right after I finally gave in and bought some new clothes. Or, just after I dropped a size in scrubs for work. Then they noticed. You can actually hide your weight loss with too-roomy clothes.

[honeybadgr]

Its all or some of the reasons listed.

Its difficult to decide if you should say something because it could be insulting depending on the actual answer.

It could be harassment at your employment depending on a possible crazy woman's interpretation.

I'm a dude, I probably don't notice unless I am already attracted to you.

I'm a dude who doesn't feel comfortable receiving or giving compliments on looks.

I do not get jealous of other people but I have learned its a common trait in women. However, this forum is not representative of the real world. Lots of very supportive people on both sides because when someone succeeds we can all relate how hard it was regardless the person.

And it reinforces what we are doing does work.

[cakepro]

My boss is a woman, and she is militantly anti-low carb. I suspect that's the reason she doesn't say anything about my other co-worker's weight loss or mine since we are both doing low carb and she is doing Weight Watchers.

When someone had sweets for a birthday treat, she made the comment that 'Julie' wouldn't eat it (and neither do I but she didn't say so), and would only eat treats if it was hamburgers. I said, well she would eat treats if it was a veggies & dip tray or meat and cheese instead of sugar. She said that 'Julie doesn't eat vegetables or fruit'. I tried to tell her that you eat veggies & fruits on low carb, just not starchy or high sugar stuff, but she did not listen. Then she went on about how awful it is that she eats the fats from meats and coconut oil, etc. There's no reasoning with her at all. She said her daughter had taken a 'nutrition' class in school that warned them of the dangers of low carb, how it's bad for you, and ineffective. Ineffective? Julie has gone from a size 20 to a 12 doing low carb - not sure how my boss can say it's ineffective or unhealthy, but she does.

I even told her my vet had recommended grain free food for my cats because they were overweight in spite of reducing their food intake with regular cat food. The grain free food has worked like magic and they lost a lot of weight. She just commented that I should change back to the regular food and use 'portion control', which I had just told her was not working.

Anyway, she will not reciprocate when I congratulate her on her weight loss, and I suspect it's because I'm doing low carb and she would have to admit that low carb is an effective and healthy way to lose weight.

Your boss is bitchy because she's hungry and unsatisfied. :lol: :lol: :lol: She's jealous and passive-aggressive too, but that can't be blamed on hunger. :devil:

[honeybadgr]

Your boss is bitchy because she's hungry and unsatisfied. :lol: :lol: :lol: She's jealous and passive-aggressive too, but that can't be blamed on hunger. :devil:


:D :D :D

[Carmen51]

honeybadgr - too funny! I know she is hungry because she told me that she is. She thinks that if she isn't hungry, she can't lose weight.

All the reasons people gave might be true in some circumstances. However, she was flattered that I'd complimented her on her weight loss and she knows I would not be offended if she reciprocated. Yes, she sees me every day and most of my family does. But, even people who have not seen me for a while don't seem to notice. I've gone from a size 20 to almost fitting into a 16, so you'd think someone would notice. It's the same way with my hair. I come in with an entirely new hairstyle and color, and no one seems to notice - not even my husband or daughters. If someone else mentions it, then they look at me and say "Oh, yes, I do like your new hairstyle." But they don't actually look at me to see the change unless someone else points it out. People comment when someone else changes their look. I don't need someone telling me that I look great or anything - I actually don't feel comfortable being in the spotlight. But I just would like to feel like I'm not invisible. I've told my husband that I could walk through the house naked with my hair on fire and no one would notice lol.

[teresaw]

Welcome to the world of the " over 50 " woman..... I have felt like that.....invisible.. It took 21lbs before anyone commented. Then, they all had a say, within a few days, 5 people commented about my weight. Who knew I only needed to loose that last pound to get attention... :lol:
The best was when my D.S. came and said I looked good, much better than the year before...that was my goal,to be healthy and look better. That was enough for me. All the rest can kiss my a.... ;)

[honeybadgr]

honeybadgr - too funny! I know she is hungry because she told me that she is. She thinks that if she isn't hungry, she can't lose weight.

All the reasons people gave might be true in some circumstances. However, she was flattered that I'd complimented her on her weight loss and she knows I would not be offended if she reciprocated. Yes, she sees me every day and most of my family does. But, even people who have not seen me for a while don't seem to notice. I've gone from a size 20 to almost fitting into a 16, so you'd think someone would notice. It's the same way with my hair. I come in with an entirely new hairstyle and color, and no one seems to notice - not even my husband or daughters. If someone else mentions it, then they look at me and say "Oh, yes, I do like your new hairstyle." But they don't actually look at me to see the change unless someone else points it out. People comment when someone else changes their look. I don't need someone telling me that I look great or anything - I actually don't feel comfortable being in the spotlight. But I just would like to feel like I'm not invisible. I've told my husband that I could walk through the house naked with my hair on fire and no one would notice lol.


I suggest you get a Henna tattoo on your face like Mike Tysons then head in to work. Let us know how it goes.

[liddie01]

I'd rather hear nothing then "when's your baby due! " A friend of mine I hadn't seen in a while once said, I see you have one in the oven! It was okay though, since i was 50 then, so I guess I was looking young. :lol:

[reddarin]

However, she was flattered that I'd complimented her on her weight loss and she knows I would not be offended if she reciprocated. ...

I actually don't feel comfortable being in the spotlight. But I just would like to feel like I'm not invisible.

I started to post a couple of days ago and didn't. But what the heck here goes.

As a guy, not speaking for all guys everywhere, paying a compliment to a woman is an iffy proposition.

How will she take it? Will she think I'm interested (when I'm not)?

Will she think I'm interested but insincere and trying to score points and feel like she needs to stop this little train dead in its tracks by rejecting me somehow?

Is she an emotional person? Boy howdy that will put a guy off from ever complimenting a girl if he isn't interested in being her best friend or dating her.

You change your hair color. We see it. It reminds us of that chick we dated 10 years ago and off we go mentally thinking about how she was great and wish that would have worked out but blah blah then oh yeah, my dang brother is coming over later for dinner.

Will my jealous GF think I was flirting?

And, for the grand finale, we just don't notice a lot of stuff that you ladies notice. I mean, it just doesn't really register with us.

Your boss. I think she doesn't want to compliment you because she doesn't want to acknowledge that some other way to lose weight works. The fact is, most people on a 'diet' create a spiritual connection to the diet and acknowledging someone else's different diet (if it is working) is like heresy.

Complimenting you. You need to solicit the complement and damn the torpedoes! You don't have to be ostentatious about it or do it all the time(!) but the important thing is to let those people around you know that you are open to compliments and would appreciate them.

Met your 20 pound loss goal and can see it yourself? Wear your skinny clothes to show it off and, at the office, when you are talking to one of those guys about anything not related to work, like the weather or whatever, stand up do a little twirl and say 'Don't I look fabulous?! I lost 20 pounds!' and smile real big.

Back to the guy's perspective. If we know you want to be complimented for something in particular we are a lot more likely to compliment you. Call us stupid lol but that is how it works most of the time.

=)

[teresaw]

Very good post...and also very brave. ;)

[sexym2]

I don't know about that :) I think men can be a bit lazy in the compliment dept. For the most part, the only time I get compliments, is when a man wants something from me, then there driveling with it. My BF gives them, regularly (we all know what thats for), his father gives them (he wants baked goods), is it so terrible for a guy to just, say, "Hey you look good", it doesn't have to be a flirt and we arn't that blind that we can't see the difference between a flirt and a normal compliment. My brother wouldn't even give me a compliment when I lost 30 lbs. I asked if he noticed and he said, " Ya, I noticed but I didn't know you needed me to tell you that." LOL! Thats the lazy way out! We loose weight for ourselves, but its great when others notice and appreciate.

[reddarin]

My brother wouldn't even give me a compliment when I lost 30 lbs. I asked if he noticed and he said, " Ya, I noticed but I didn't know you needed me to tell you that." LOL! Thats the lazy way out!

:p

Men <> Women

There are plenty of exceptions to the rule but generally speaking men just don't think in terms of consciously complimenting anyone for essentially passive behavior.

Swerve to avoid a child in the road and still not roll the car over - Active compliment.

Loose 30 pounds without doing chin-ups at your desk - passive no compliment.

We are like the T-Rex. Movement, activity, attracts our attention. That is why so many people died at Jurassic Park :p

Or maybe closer to those night creatures in Pitch Black. Can't see a damn thing if it is right in front of us.

I wonder. Have any of you ladies ever heard of Dennis Prager? He is a very well educated man that has made it a mission to help women understand men and he's very good at it. He is also a conservative political commentator and radio host. But, please don't let that put you off if you are not conservative. He does not mix politics into unrelated subjects when he is speaking on them. He has a great sense of humor.

http://www.dennisprager.com/

He dedicates at least one hour a week of his show to men and women.

[sexym2]

So, unless I point it out to my brother, what I'm doing, its passive so he's not going to say anything?

I want to look good for myself, but its a heck of a self esteam boost when someone else mentions it.

[reddarin]

So, unless I point it out to my brother, what I'm doing, its passive so he's not going to say anything?

Well, that is where a rule of thumb breaks down. I can only speak for myself and from my perspective as a guy and my observations of other guys. Some guys are just clods and it never crosses their mind to compliment girls.

But I think you are missing the point of what I was trying to say. In the absence of some other stimulus, we don't tend to compliment passive things. If he was your work-out partner then your weight loss would be an active thing to him and he'd compliment it (I think).

Or, say, you usually wear very loose fitting clothes to hide your belly but after dropping 30 pounds your belly is considerably smaller so you wear a tight fitting blouse to show off your new skinny waist. That would probably be noticed and complimented because of the contrast between the big loose fitting shirt you and the tight trim tummy blouse you - it is active.

Women tend to think in terms of complimenting others. I mean, you ladies consciously think about how to make someone feel good by saying something nice about them. You do it automatically and you get a lot of satisfaction from knowing you made someone else feel good. No?

Men do not think like that. If Fred is feeling blue we have no desire to tell him how great those shoes look on him. We are more inclined to tell him to quit moping around, get off his ass and do something about the problem.

Isn't that one of the most exasperating thing you girls experience with the guys in your life? You chat with an important guy in your life and you just want to discuss the problem, get some sympathy, empathy, share similar stories and maybe how other people dealt with it. But the guy doesn't commiserate with you, he more or less gives you a list of things to do to solve the problem the same way he'd tell you what was wrong with your car.

Until you train that guy he is going to think in terms of problem solving not exploring the social dynamics of the problem.

=)

[honeybadgr]

Isn't that one of the most exasperating thing you girls experience with the guys in your life? You chat with an important guy in your life and you just want to discuss the problem, get some sympathy, empathy, share similar stories and maybe how other people dealt with it. But the guy doesn't commiserate with you, he more or less gives you a list of things to do to solve the problem the same way he'd tell you what was wrong with your car.

Until you train that guy he is going to think in terms of problem solving not exploring the social dynamics of the problem.

=)


correct. thats why men are providers and protectors by nature; not generally nurturers. we are hard-coded that way but can be taught to pretend.

its nothing personal.

[reddarin]

we are hard-coded that way but can be taught to pretend

That reminds me of a really funny very old movie. I can't remember the title but the deal was this young lady got married and was shocked to find out that her idealist view of having a husband was not meeting with the reality of the situation. So she talked with her mother. Her mother told her, 'oh, dear, you have to train him. I used this book' and showed her a book on how to train a dog. lol

[enna1477]

My office is in an annex off a fire station so I work with a lot of men. I've known many of these firefighters for well over 20 years so there are some long associations. The firefighters (98% male) rotate between the stations so sometimes I won't see somebody for many months depending on our schedules. The guys I've known for years have been wonderful with their comments when they've seen me. A few have sought me out privately and asked how I lost the weight. The younger guys...they don't comment. But then, we don't have those relationships that span decades. I think men who are comfortable being friends with women (some can and some can't) are also generally comfortable giving compliments, praise, and congratulations to their female friends.

[honeybadgr]

That reminds me of a really funny very old movie. I can't remember the title but the deal was this young lady got married and was shocked to find out that her idealist view of having a husband was not meeting with the reality of the situation. So she talked with her mother. Her mother told her, 'oh, dear, you have to train him. I used this book' and showed her a book on how to train a dog. lol

a quick search:

If a Man Answers. 1962 featuring Sandra Dee and Bobby Darin


was this it?

[reddarin]

lol yeah that is it!

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0056093/plotsummary

Those old movies are so refreshing to watch versus the 'gritty' crap being made these days.

I bet I haven't seen that particular one in 30 years. Pretty amazing what you remember over the years.

[sexym2]

:roll: :roll: Ya, ok, I will give that, men do think differently than us woman, somethings wrong with them :)

That made me think, back on New Years Eve. I was going out with my present BF for our second date. He showed up, I was actually ready, we were visiting I did notice he didn't open the truck door (poor training I need that dog manual), anyway, I go around the truck, by myself and I didn't notice that he parked my side right on top of a small ditch thats next to my drive. Ya, I fell in the darn thing. I had expected him to come running around the truck, ask if I was ok, help me up and give tons of empathy. After all, this guy was hoping to get lucky at some point. Thats not what happened! He stood there and laughed!!! I got into the truck and he did ask if I was ok, but he was all but rolling in the snow! I sappose, when my kids fall in that ditch, I laugh at them, but I really did expect him to act like a man wanting something or a woman wanting to mother. You get the same end result for different reasons, but he laughed. I was kinda funny, I did start laughing too, I still laugh at that night. I fell in a ditch, he perfousely gave me a broken chair at my brothers house (he caught me before i hit the floor) got me drunk and stole my cards, didn't take advantage of a drunk gal and stayed up with me till 5:30 in the morning, not expecting a darn thing:)

So, with that night in mind, and the rest of the 10 months approaching, men do think differently.

I had to point blank ask him how I looked the other night, after we returned from a party. He told me that he thought when we left that I looked great. Yay! So, why couldn't he have just told me that in the beginning? MEN!! I need that dog training manual.

[CMCM]

So, unless I point it out to my brother, what I'm doing, its passive so he's not going to say anything?

I want to look good for myself, but its a heck of a self esteam boost when someone else mentions it.

People just don't actively register what they see. Also, your brother probably sees you all the time so your progressive changes look just that way to him...progressive, and therefore it all flies under the radar. I lost 20 pounds and my own mom never said anything, and I was feeling a bit dejected about it, but then one day in a simple conversation she mentioned having noticed the loss and how much I had lost, how different I now looked. I don't know why she never said anything before that point!

[reddarin]

he parked my side right on top of a small ditch thats next to my drive...he perfousely gave me a broken chair at my brothers house (he caught me before i hit the floor) got me drunk and stole my cards

Whew. Sounds like you got yourself a practical joker there Sexy. As in, he parked that way for a laugh if you did fall.

On the plus side, you thought it was funny too after you got over your initial, rightly felt, indignation. =)

[sexym2]

He is a joker, but that was actually unintentional. The way I parked my truck off to the side, made him park his truck closer to the ditch. He didn't even know the at ditch was there, yet. It took a few dates to get used to his brand of humor. We joke alot within the family, but my ex-husband didn't joke at all, any more. Now, I'm used to it, and the, sometimes difference in men vs woman.

When I had eye surgery, there was no joking. He was consoling and mothering and helpful in every way that I would allow, for a 34 yr old woman, I was a bit rebellious.

I asked my Mom this morning, why my brother never mentioned my weight loss. He was going in with us on the weight loss challenge (he won the first month), he did quit. I've lost 30lbs and we were at his house the other night, I was in snug jeans and a top that looked good:) He never said a word. I believe since we were all doing the weight loss challange together, that would be considered, active not passive? Mom said he's like his father, unless theres something wrong, hes not going to mention in. She said his wife is trying to change that and teach him to notice a bit more and comment on. She's, um, something else, she just very well could succead.

[reddarin]

There is hope for your brother. honeybadgr said it best:

we are hard-coded that way but can be taught to pretend.

its nothing personal.

lol =)