Help! Saboteur in the House!

[Patina]

I need some good advice on how to deal with a saboteur in my family. My mom has lived with us for the last 6 years and we all love her and are happy she is with us but ever since I decided to eat low carb, she has been on a tear to get me to eat carbs!

I have explained to her over and over WHY I have chosen to eat this way. I've explained in terms of my weight issues (she is normal weight), I have explained in terms of my diabetes and I have explained that I just like the food better!

I have been low carbing for a month now and she just isn't having any of it in terms of respect for my decision to eat low carb.

Example: I came home after work one day last week and she had decided to cook dinner (Okay, no problem with that on my part!). So she cooked a roast with carrots, potatoes and celery, she had homemade beef gravy, she had made a double batch of Rice-a-Roni for a side and she had green salad.

So we sit down to eat and I had a couple slices of roast and about 1 1/2 cups salad. She took one look at my plate and started in on the guilt trip with 20 questions of why I had that food on my plate.

Her: "Why don't you have any gravy?" Me: "Because there's flour in the gravy, therefore it is high in carbs so I choose not to have gravy"

Her: "Well Aren't you going to eat any carrots and potatoes?" Me: "No mom. They look delicious but again, they are high in carbs and I am choosing not to eat high carb foods."

Her: "Well I just can't believe that carrots and potatoes are bad for you. I was raised on them you know!" Me: "I am not saying carrots and potatoes are bad for YOU. I am saying they are bad for me and my diabetes so I choose not to eat them."

Her: "Well what about rice? There's no sugar in Rice-a-Roni! Rice is good for you too you know!" Me: "I know there is no added sugar in rice, but in the body it breaks down into sugar and that is bad for me since I have diabetes so again, I choose not to eat it."

Her: "This is just dumbest thing you've ever done yet. You can't even eat healthy foods anymore!" Me: <still calm> "Mom, I can respect you feel that way but you also need to respect that I don't agree with you. I have done a lot of research on foods and nutrition and for me, with my weight issues and my diabetes, I have decided this is best for me. I totally understand that what I'm doing may not be what's best for you or anybody else....it is just what is best for me at this time in my life. What I really need is for you to support me, not chastise me for not eating carrots and potatoes."

That pretty much ended the converstation.

The next afternoon I came home from work and she had a pack of a dozen chocolate chip bakery cookies sitting on the counter. I didn't even get my coat off and she was telling me how she had been out shopping and bought cookies and I should try one because they're really good.

Again...I calmly said "no thanks" and again explained to her why cookies are not on my menu these days. She started in again about how stupid my low carb eating is..and blah blah blah and blah blah blah...etc.

The wierd thing is that my mom is really a very nice, loving, caring person. But for some reason my low carb eating has just brought out the worst in her. I've have asked her to read some of the literature I have on the topic so she will have a better understanding of it, she hasn't. I have explained over and over how carbs are really sugar and that for me, having diabetes, sugar is not my friend. I have tried everything I can think of to get her to back off and it hasn't worked. So any suggestions out there? Anyone else been through this with a loved one or going through it right now??

How do I get her to understand this is really not about her? That it is not a personal snub against her cooking or her wanting to buy cookies for the family? She is just totally on the attack with this topic and defending myself and my choices almost daily is getting old real fast!

What do I try next??!!

[cnmLisa]

What do I try next??!!
Nothing.

Just keep doing what you're doing and keep your resolve.

Progress not perfection.

Lisa

[Jonika]

I had a similar issue with my mom. You simply have to be strict and not let her destroy your resolve. She doesn't respect you and that's not acceptable. You could sit down with her one afternoon and ask her what this is all about. Obviously, the food isn't the real issue here - ask her what's bugging her.

If that doesn't help, simply keep ignoring her food choices for you until it sinks in...

[zeph317]

oh wow, that would be so hard. i'm very impressed with your resolve and how patient you've been with your mom. my guess is she really wants what's best for you and has probably enjoyed feeding you over the years so it's hard for her to see you decline the things you used to enjoy. hopefully as she sees you stick with it and get healthier, she'll be more supportive and even helpful. you're doing a great job - keep it up!!

[mlk18]

That is a tough one. But I agree with cnmLisa, just stay the course and maintain your resolve. Eventually she will see your success and then the benefits of LC will become clear. I gave up a long time ago on trying to convince naysayers about the world of low carb. You cannot open the mind of someone who is unwilling to have it opened.

[albiorix]

it's not just naysaying about low-carb is it though? you have diabetes and she's pressurising you to eat cookies: cookies isn't a staple part of any diabetic healthy eating plan I've ever seen low carb or low fat.

stay the course, your weight will change and she will either back off or you will ahve to confront her, it really is something you don't need in your own home though :(

[indie]

I dont ever defend my diet. The sceptics will just use my words to argue their own point. Too much wasted energy.

I like to change the topic instead.

To the standard statement of why are you eating only meat? Or dont you want any bread/dessert/etc

I usually just say something along the lines of "not right now, thanks." Somehow that inference of maybe later just not right now lets the mildly concerned off the hook.

For the more persistent I say something like " In my second childhood I have decided to be a picky eater :) next month I am planning to only eat Fruit Stripe gum!" :yum:

You would be surprised how much of the time this leads to a discussion of all the candy we used to love as kids like wax lips and candy cigarettes and the focus is off of you.

Obviously living in the same home and since the lines have been drawn about your food choices and your moms opinion some light hearted one liners wont work.

I guess in your situation I would just not offer any resistance. People who disagree with this diet choice are never going to be won over by calm rational explanations. They may be won over by seeing good results (or maybe not) but that takes months and you need to defuse things so you dont feel pressured.

The next time she says why dont you eat this? Could you say something like "because I have lost my cotton pickin mind and want to live dangerously?"

Or pre empt her comments by saying "here I go! Another day of making totally weird food choices!"

Or, "I am doing an experiment. I am planning to quit if I grow fangs!"

or
"Youre such a great mom to care about what I eat! I love you!"

then just calmly proceed to do whatever in the heck you want.

I learned this stuff from my teenagers. I used to wonder how it was that they calmed me down and STILL got their way :D

Well this is how: they dont offer resistance, they use love and humor, they acknowledge my underlying concerns are based on love for them.

So now I use it to get my way with the low carb diet!

[Nancy LC]

It might be time to have a private one-on-one with Mom and explain why her behavior is so destructive. If she starts to defend herself during your chat just shut her down and say, "No Mom, I'm not asking you this, I'm telling you, this is how it is going to be if you and I are going to get along."

Be strong! You don't need to be angry, but just firm and don't take any nonsense.

[FowlFiend]

It might be time to have a private one-on-one with Mom and explain why her behavior is so destructive. If she starts to defend herself during your chat just shut her down and say, "No Mom, I'm not asking you this, I'm telling you, this is how it is going to be if you and I are going to get along."

Be strong! You don't need to be angry, but just firm and don't take any nonsense.

I agree. My grandmom lives in the house, and boy do I catch heat sometimes, but you just have to stand your ground. Tossing the cookies in the trash just once will probably make the point that you don't want them left lying on the counter. At Christmas I round everything up and take it to the post office to give away (really small post office :-)) and that gets me in a heap of trouble, but it does result in the goodies that are important to her being hidden away from my sight.

Funny thing about my grandmom is that she used to get so MAD at everyone for not supporting her all those years she did Weight Watchers (to no avail). I remember a few times she was emotional, crying, yelling when people ate things in front of her because of HER frustration that no one was supportive.

SIGH. I dunno. Good luck in the battle. Choose your ground, and don't give in to the bullying and manipulation. I will say that a month into Atkins, now it doesn't really bother me to see that junk around so much. Last time she made brownies & left them on the counter, I didn't even care. It was much worse when I was trying a higher carb diet.

[sondora88]

Wow, that sounds like a difficult situation. I think you're doing amazingly well! And being so reasonable against such irrationality, too. :)

I think you already got some great advice here, just hold your ground and perhaps try to have a heart-to-heart with your mother. Perhaps there's something else bugging her?

[mainecyn]

I can so relate to you and your issue. I am diabetic as well. I am the only person in my family that eats lc. When I first started LC we would go to my inlaws for dinner, usually holiday, I would get looked at and say "Why are you only eating turkey?" I would bring sides that I could eat, salad, lc veggies, or appetizers. For the longest time my inlaws resented it. They wouldn't put it on the table either. I would be told the same things-you can't not eat vegetables and fruit. It isn't good for you. Or the guilt trip about not eating her food..how about just a little bit of potatoes or rice, it doesn't have sugar. I would say the same thing..I can not eat it.

So she cooked a roast with carrots, potatoes and celery, she had homemade beef gravy, she had made a double batch of Rice-a-Roni for a side and she had green salad.

I have faced this as well. I always access the situation and think, "what can i eat?" Instead of getting mad, focus on what you could eat on this meal. Eat the potroast, and the celery-if they are not covered in gravy. I had to do this often. I would just tell my mil, this roast is so amazing, so moist, thank you so much. I also would put my meat on top of the celery, this way she didn't know what veggies i didn't eat. Also, what worked for me, a bowl. I would eat out of a bowl instead of a plate, then they couldn't see what was in the bowl. Most of the time I just put the meat on top of my salad anyway.

No one in my household eats lc. Not my husband, and not the kids. I do not cook different meals. We all eat the same thing. However, I cook things the way i can eat them, or adapt it. I make homemade nuggets, or shake and bake..I coat my families with the real stuff, and I coat mine in ground up pork rinds-or just spices. I make spgt. and meatballs for the family. I do not add breadcrumbs to the meat..i use hamburger and had half ground sausage as well. The fat from the sausage keeps it tender. It is a common thing to see me with a bowl of meatballs and salad, while the family is eating pasta and meatballs. It can be done. It takes a lot more will power than being able to totally get rid of everything.

My family, inlaws especially, wouldn't leave me alone about what i would eat and wouldn't eat until i told them, instead of low carb diet, that i was following a diabetic diet from my doctor..that if i didn't stick to it i would be sick. When i stopped using the low carb words, they backed off. Occasionally i hear how about just one bite? I tell them that my problem is I can't only have "one bite" i'd eat to much and make myself sick.

Once in a while I still get looks when we go out to the inlaws. They look at my plate and say, "Are you still eating that way?" I say, yes, thank you.

I'm married to a man that can eat ice cream and cereal all day..snacks on candy and ice cream in between meals to keep weight on. It isn't fair..three of our kids are as thin as he is, the other two can look at food and gain weight. Its not fair at all.

I have been controlling my diabetes for over a year eating this way. I feel great. It works.

[M Levac]

Thanks but no thanks. It works every time. If they insist, insist back and say that you did say "thank but no thanks" and if they go on, well what can you do.

[CarolynC]

Thanks but no thanks. It works every time. If they insist, insist back and say that you did say "thank but no thanks" and if they go on, well what can you do.
I agree. At this point, you don't even need to keep explaining. Your mother has already heard (and probably understood) your explanations, so I think it's best to just be simple and firm at this point.

[HappyLC]

I had the same problem with my live-in mom. Part of it was that she just didn't get it ("If you can't eat bread, how about matzoh?" - lol) and part of it may have been guilt and what felt like a repudiation of her mothering! After all, she fed me those foods when I was growing up and l now I'm telling her those foods made me sick and fat.

All I did was smile and say, "Ooh, thanks, but I can't." And, I have to admit, if she pressed the issue I would just smile and find an excuse to leave the room. Avoidance? Absolutely. :) But my mom passed away in August and I'm glad that I never made a big issue of it.

[Patina]

Thanks everyone for the responses. I agree with all of you that I cannot let her pick away at my resolve to eat LC and so far it hasn't. If anything, I just feel defensive all the time when food is in the room. It's like she's watching me to see what I decide to put on my plate and then she launches in.

I think I may have possibly figured out part of the problem...per this post from Jonika ...

I had a similar issue with my mom. ... You could sit down with her one afternoon and ask her what this is all about. Obviously, the food isn't the real issue here - ask her what's bugging her....

Bingo! Getting rather psychological here but...maybe the problem is that my mom raised us kids on high carb foods. We ate pancakes, french toast and sugar cereals for breakfast. We had PB&J's everyday for lunch with a ding dong, candy bar or twinkie for dessert. Dinner was always hamburger in some form with mashed potatoes and gravy for dinner or mac n cheese. Treats were chocolate milk, soda, candy bars, cake, etc.

Rarely was there a vegetable on our plate and fruit was unknown and I didn't even know what salad was till I was in my mid teens. Funny thing is that she was raised on a farm and ate tons of fresh meat, milk and veggies.

Her and I have talked many times through the years about the food she fed us growing up and she says she fed us that stuff because "that's what my dad liked to eat". Probably doesn't help my mom's psyche that my dad died several years ago from heart disease after two by-passes and he too was diabetic and 150 lbs overweight.

So maybe...just maybe...as she sees me with all this extra weight and diabetic and suddenly on a carb/sugar revolt...maybe she somehow thinks she is responsible because of what she fed us?? Maybe she's feeling guilty??

Might be a place for me to start next time she starts in. I certainly don't blame my mom for my problems. Maybe I need to tell her that??

That might explain why she's going to such great lengths to get me to eat the stuff I used to eat?

All I know is that Jonika's right...this can't possibly be just about food.

[Patina]

... Part of it was that she just didn't get it ("If you can't eat bread, how about matzoh?" - lol) and part of it may have been guilt and what felt like a repudiation of her mothering! After all, she fed me those foods when I was growing up and l now I'm telling her those foods made me sick and fat.

I didn't see your response until I had posted to what Jonika had said but I think you'e right. I'm thinking my mom is just having some sort of major guilt attack! The only way to find out is to just come out and ask her I guess and reassure her I don't blame her and that this really has NOTHING to do with her.

She fed us what she fed us because she didn't know any better. It's kinda like, hey..they put it on the grocery shelves so it can't be bad...that type of mentality...plus we loved that junk food!

[leslie30]

well for me because no one else does it in the house i usually do the cooking i'll make them there potatoos and so on and some type of veg i can have and take what i normaly would leaving out the tatos and carrots and so on and no one noticed much or next time she eats something bad you could start on her about bad food choices lol probley wont work good but if it was me and it was everyday id ethier go and eat some where else or tell em to mind there own bizz and u'll go krazy with meat and low carb veggies tyvm lol good luck i hope it works out for you dont give in

[tcalhoun1]

That is exactly what I was going to suggest was the core of this problem.

I know my mom feels guilty about the way she let me eat when I was a child. She just wanted things to be easy so she let me get away with whatever I wanted. (can you say spoiled brat)

She thinks that if she would have taken control and put a ban on the junk food then I wouldn't be in this situation now.

[Patina]

That is exactly what I was going to suggest was the core of this problem.

I know my mom feels guilty about the way she let me eat when I was a child. She just wanted things to be easy so she let me get away with whatever I wanted. (can you say spoiled brat)

She thinks that if she would have taken control and put a ban on the junk food then I wouldn't be in this situation now.

Does that mean you've actually talked to her about this? If yes, did she get defensive? I'm just trying to think of the least non-threatening way to bring up the topic. I don't want this to backfire and her end up thinking I really am blaming her and it's all her fault I eat LC.

[tcalhoun1]

Does that mean you've actually talked to her about this? If yes, did she get defensive? I'm just trying to think of the least non-threatening way to bring up the topic. I don't want this to backfire and her end up thinking I really am blaming her and it's all her fault I eat LC.

I didn't bring it up, she actually did.

I can look back now and see that all of the things she did that hurt me, like the Richard Simmons Deal-a-Meal I received for my 16th birthday, wasn't intended to hurt me. She was trying to make up for her guilt.

I also have this same guilt over my own 15 year old daughter. I've just been more sensitive about it, at least I think I have.

[Grubber]

Yea, its probably better to just ignore her in this matter (I know how mothers can be). If you can't change the subject, just walk away. I have also gone through this when I lived with my parents. They were so used to the 10 or so meals my mom has made for years. It took a while, but I collaborated with them on what to keep around the house, and what meals I could help cook that were on my diet.

All I can say is make sure you keep on your regiment. Good luck.

[MoonDansyr]

I didn't read all of the replies, yet but I wanted to offer something I did with my FIL, but forgive me for rambling with backstory first.

My FIL was diagnosed as T2 diabetic back in the '80's (he was in his 30's). They put him on Glucophage and sent him to a dietician who touted the typical low-fat (high carb) diet. Of course, they told him he couldn't have sugar and adviced he use sweet-n-low or equal, but never told him that bread, pasta, potatoes, etc. would quickly convert to sugar.

About five years ago, the "complications" of diabetes began erupting like crazy and he was in and out of the hospital. One day, his "diabetic hospital tray" came with a banana on it, which, of course, he ate. Within 30 minutes, his sugar shot up over 300 and he couldn't understand why. Even the nurse didn't seem to understand it, since he was eating only "the diabetic tray." My husband and I shook our heads. I went home that night and began getting together various information and chart on the glycemic index and how various foods affect blood sugar. Then I grabbed a bag of sugar and some ziplock baggies and began measuring out sugar in the amounts that various foods convert to, such as muffins, toast, pasta, potatoes, orange juice, etc. ... all foods he regularly ate. Then I went to visit him and sat him down and showed him a baggie and asked, "Would you sit down and eat this with a spoon?" Of course the answer was no. I turned the baggie over and showed him what food that amount of sugar represented, explaining the glycemic index and how those foods affect his blood. While I was scared to death with how he would react to the information I shared with him, he actually thanked me. However, by that point in time, the damage was done. We lost him on January 6th.

So, what I'm recommending is that you put a little research in, make some baggies, sit your mom down and make sure she understands that diabetics can't have sugar, and then show her those sugar representations of foods she thinks are healthy.

In her defense, she came up in an era where people were taught to eat three square meals a day from the food pyramid. Most people never question authority and believe they are being taught what is right. It's called blind faith.

[Seejay]

I'm late coming in too but I think you are right about asking mom.

You can always turn it back on her and then just let her talk.

I always turn it around and ask the person why they are commenting. I never, ever respond directly to comments or questions about what I eat. It's kind of fun after a while. Like being a politician. Odd but no one has ever said, hey you totally did not even answer me.

Her: "Why don't you have any gravy?
Me: "why do you ask?"

Her: "Well Aren't you going to eat any carrots and potatoes?"
Me: "oh are you wondering if there will be leftovers? "

Her: "Well I just can't believe that carrots and potatoes are bad for you. I was raised on them you know!"
Me: "Oh I bet you have some good memories of that. Tell me what it was like."

Her: "Well what about rice? There's no sugar in Rice-a-Roni! Rice is good for you too you know!"
Me: "You really like Rice a Roni eh? "

Her: "This is just dumbest thing you've ever done yet. You can't even eat healthy foods anymore!"
Me: "What worries you most? "

[Patina]

...
So, what I'm recommending is that you put a little research in, make some baggies, sit your mom down and make sure she understands that diabetics can't have sugar, and then show her those sugar representations of foods she thinks are healthy.

Thanks MoonDansyr. That is a really good idea. Maybe if I show her via my glucose tester what sugar does to my levels, it will give her a visual she can relate to.

I gotta tell you though...it does not help that her brother (my uncle) is also diabetic and he sits around and eats pasta, pie, cookies, potatoes, etc., and he tells my mom that he has no problem with his blood sugar as long as he takes his glucophage (which I take too). So she has said to me many times..."Well your uncle can eat sugar and he has diabetes and he's just fine!".. I don't have the heart to tell her what he's really doing to his body because she's very close to her brother and of course he's convinced that what he's doing (and eating) is just fine.

So thanks for the tip and I think I'll give that one a try...and I am sorry for the loss of your FIL. We are more often than not given such bad advice from the medical/nutritional community on how to manage diabetes through diet. I'm convinced that if I had learned years ago what I know now..I might have been able to help my own father avoid an early death from his out of control diabetes.

[Patina]

...You can always turn it back on her and then just let her talk.

I always turn it around and ask the person why they are commenting. I never, ever respond directly to comments or questions about what I eat. It's kind of fun after a while. Like being a politician. Odd but no one has ever said, hey you totally did not even answer me.

Her: "Why don't you have any gravy?
Me: "why do you ask?"

Her: "Well Aren't you going to eat any carrots and potatoes?"
Me: "oh are you wondering if there will be leftovers? "

Her: "Well I just can't believe that carrots and potatoes are bad for you. I was raised on them you know!"
Me: "Oh I bet you have some good memories of that. Tell me what it was like."

Her: "Well what about rice? There's no sugar in Rice-a-Roni! Rice is good for you too you know!"
Me: "You really like Rice a Roni eh? "

Her: "This is just dumbest thing you've ever done yet. You can't even eat healthy foods anymore!"
Me: "What worries you most? "

Now that's a clever idea! Especially the last "back at ya" question of What worries you the most? Opens the door to have that discussion of why she's having such a hard time with what I choose to do.

Thanks!

[MoonDansyr]

Thanks MoonDansyr. That is a really good idea. Maybe if I show her via my glucose tester what sugar does to my levels, it will give her a visual she can relate to.

I gotta tell you though...it does not help that her brother (my uncle) is also diabetic and he sits around and eats pasta, pie, cookies, potatoes, etc., and he tells my mom that he has no problem with his blood sugar as long as he takes his glucophage (which I take too). So she has said to me many times..."Well your uncle can eat sugar and he has diabetes and he's just fine!".. I don't have the heart to tell her what he's really doing to his body because she's very close to her brother and of course he's convinced that what he's doing (and eating) is just fine.

So thanks for the tip and I think I'll give that one a try...and I am sorry for the loss of your FIL. We are more often than not given such bad advice from the medical/nutritional community on how to manage diabetes through diet. I'm convinced that if I had learned years ago what I know now..I might have been able to help my own father avoid an early death from his out of control diabetes.What a shame about your uncle and your father. I'm sorry for your loss, as well.

As for your uncle, Glucophage or not, those foods are going to cause sugar spikes - - he's either lying, or is 100% clueless (as was my FIL and family). For the longest time, I had the same problem with my husband's family as you are with your uncle. My doctor, rather than immediately start me on Glucophage, educated me on insulin resistance, diabetes, the role carbs play, etc. He gave me a long list of low(er)-carb diets (Atkins, South Beach, Somers, Zone, etc.), made me watch a video he developed, and talked to me about exercise. He gave me a chance to turn my health around NATURALLY. He did tell me that if I wasn't successful, THEN we would have no choice but to do the meds. Sadly, too many doctors have the knee-jerk reaction to write a script and move-on to their next patient, rather than take the time to educate their patients. But... (the point to my story - sorry I ramble) ... because my FIL was "diabetic" and taking Glucophage, Actos, and a couple others (eventually going to full-blown insulin), and continuing to eat meals of breaded/fried meats with bread, potatoes, corn, and dumplings (he never ate green vegetables) ...all because his doctor never advised him not to eat those foods, it was always a fight for me when we'd have family meals. They never believed me when I told them that my doctor told me not to eat those things, as I had not been diagnosed as "insulin resistant. the precursor to diabetes." That meant nothing to them. Well, if he was diabetic and "could eat those things, then there's no reason you can't, too." To them, I was just being silly.

I would complain to my husband CONSTANTLY about his father's diet and how I knew it was destroying him. I always wanted to explain it to his father (and mother, who did all of the cooking), but my husband didn't want to "upset the apple cart." He didn't think it would make any difference, as I wasn't a doctor and their generation was raised to believe all doctors were right up there next to God. So if his doctor hadn't explained this to him, then I was just nothing more than a snake oil salesman. Like I said, by the time I sat him down and had the talk with him, it was too late. Even so, my MIL and SIL (and maybe even my FIL) took what I said very lightly. But with his last hospital stay, the lights finally began to go on over all of their heads and now they actually realize, regretfully, that I wasn't blowing smoke all these years. It's an awful way to finally get respect.

I guess what I'm saying is, you may want to reconsider talking to your mom about your uncle. Consider educating her on how and why it develops and how it can be prevented and controlled with a proper diet, and gently explain to her that your uncle, regardless of what he says, should absolutely not be eating those foods. Further, every person's condition is individual to them and what doesn't "harm" one, can kill another. I regret that I wasn't brave enough to talk to my in-laws about all of this sooner.

[HappyLC]

(Sorry...posted by mistake.)

[WereBear]

I can look back now and see that all of the things she did that hurt me, like the Richard Simmons Deal-a-Meal I received for my 16th birthday, wasn't intended to hurt me. She was trying to make up for her guilt.

I also have this same guilt over my own 15 year old daughter. I've just been more sensitive about it, at least I think I have.

Ah, geeze! Isn't it funny/strange how things like that are so hurtful at the time... and now, looking back as parents ourselves, we know it was also because they were hurting for us?

[WereBear]

I regret that I wasn't brave enough to talk to my in-laws about all of this sooner.


I encourage everyone to try to get the message across; I did my best, to the point that I was treated kinda hostilely; and now my father is dying about 20 years earlier than he should, it's all a huge mess, and they still think I'm nuts on the subject.

What I mean is; all you can do is try.

[Neanderpam]

I have been maintaining my lowcarb lifestyle for over eight years. I do most of the cooking at our house, but DH no longer argues with me.

But at first...he did. (I have Celiac and three other autoimmune diseases). When I was diagnosed with Celiac, the doctors explained 'what' I could not have and he went off on a tangent of 'Then explain to me WHY you cannot have potatoes, carrots, etc etc.'. Sigh.

Then he said 'Well I feel bad because I only cook stuff that's Italian with pasta and now you are basically cooking TWO meals" (I'm really not...you know how it is..ya cook a protein, add a little fat to yours, have the salad pass on the taters and gravy, etc.).

I put up a list of what I COULD eat on the fridge. I had columns that would say 'Can eat most anytime' and 'Can eat 2 cups once a day' and 'Can only have premeasured amounts'. It progressed to 'I just got to add this in 1/2 amounts' on it, and so on.

It's been over eight years and STILL, to this day some of my friends (and all of my inlaws) will try and explain the way I eat...and one the other day said 'Oh, she got so thin because she is allergic to some foods and feels like she's 'too good' to eat others. I love that one! :)

[Elizellen]

..and one the other day said 'Oh, she got so thin because she is allergic to some foods and feels like she's 'too good' to eat others. I love that one! :)
:lol: :thup: :lol: :thup: :lol:

[Patina]

I guess what I'm saying is, you may want to reconsider talking to your mom about your uncle. Consider educating her on how and why it develops and how it can be prevented and controlled with a proper diet, and gently explain to her that your uncle, regardless of what he says, should absolutely not be eating those foods. Further, every person's condition is individual to them and what doesn't "harm" one, can kill another. I regret that I wasn't brave enough to talk to my in-laws about all of this sooner.


The situation with the uncle is a tough one because he absolutely believes he knows EVERYTHING there is to know about diabetes and how to manage it and there is no telling him anything different. The bad thing is his wife was also diagnosed T2 about a year ago so he has taught her "his way" of managing this terrible disease and my mom is convinced he must be right because from the outside, he seems fine.

So all I can do is explain it to her in terms of how diabetes is affecting me and leave my uncle out of it and just try to enlighten her when she says "well he eats sugar and he's just fine" as a way to get me to eat carbs.

I could try and see if my uncle is willing to read the Bernstein book but I highly doubt it ...but I supposed it's worth a try.

[Patina]

I encourage everyone to try to get the message across; I did my best, to the point that I was treated kinda hostilely; and now my father is dying about 20 years earlier than he should, it's all a huge mess, and they still think I'm nuts on the subject.

What I mean is; all you can do is try.

My dad would go off like a rocket whenever I asked him about his diabetes...he was so far in denial about it that even now I think that no matter how hard I tried he would have resisted every step of the way. It became the one thing everyone was afraid to bring up because he instantly lashed out in anger at whoever mentioned it.

So yes, trying to tell people something they do not want to hear can end up making you out to be the villain for "upsetting" them. All we can do is let them know we're concerned and want to be supportive but not also be an enabler.

[Neanderpam]

I just suggested Dr. Bersnsteins for a diabetic (insulin dependent) friend of my husbands. I know he will read it. He was just told to 'eat NO protein' cuz it will 'go to the kidneys'. He's getting heavier and heavier, when I asked him if he'd tried lowcarb he said 'No, I can't eat 15 eggs in one sitting and nothing brings my insulin dependency down'. So I recommended that.

He is very smart and will read it, I'm just wondering what happens when he shows up at his doctor's with it (he goes to the nearest to him VA hospital). I DID mention that I thought that his dietician's recommendations of 'eating 250 grams carb but only 30gms protein' somehow didn't compute, and that she's not going to be 'on his side' with remarks like that.

I don't know a lot about diabetes (insulin dependent) but I know several who lowcarb who have reduced their insulin and who are in much better health.

[WereBear]

I just suggested Dr. Bersnsteins for a diabetic (insulin dependent) friend of my husbands. I know he will read it. He was just told to 'eat NO protein' cuz it will 'go to the kidneys'. ... I DID mention that I thought that his dietician's recommendations of 'eating 250 grams carb but only 30gms protein' somehow didn't compute...

Hearing things like this make me so flippin' angry at the misguided health advice that gets handed out to diabetics. No wonder it's a crisis!

[Neanderpam]

Hearing things like this make me so flippin' angry at the misguided health advice that gets handed out to diabetics. No wonder it's a crisis!

The part that really upset me is that this man cannot afford to go anywhere else for treatment right now and is kind of 'confined' to taking their advice.

I have a MIL who has lost a leg, and she is bedridden now and on dialysis. She lived with us for several years (and I feel she could have 'turned it around' a bit at that time, she was in her 50's) and I was lowcarb at that time and she would tell me (in disgust) that 'You should see a real dietician, your doctor should be sued for letting you do this!'. She would say 'My doctor told me I need to eat in order to take my blood pressure pill and my oral insulin (she was taking just oral at that time)" and she would eat four or five pieces of toast with butter on them.

I wasn't at odds with HER...I implored her, begged her to not do that (I lost both my parents within the same year they turned 49) please, and that to give eating protein and a HALF piece of toast...etc. but she fought me tooth and nail.

It doesn't help that in her last hospitalization she leaned over and said 'I should have listened to you'. I just sit and cry over it often.

[GOAL210]

Just do what you are doing and don't give in!

[Sue333]

It doesn't help that in her last hospitalization she leaned over and said 'I should have listened to you'. I just sit and cry over it often.

:cry: Oh my gosh, this actually made me cry too! That poor lady.

I wanted to let you know that other people WILL listen to you, and for sure your words have already made a difference in someone's life. My son is T1 diabetic, and Dr. Bernstein is God as far as I'm concerned. What we do flies in the face of conventional wisdo, but the results speak for themselves.

Just wanted to reach out to you and let you know that, for sure, your words make a difference! :there:

[Patina]

...It doesn't help that in her last hospitalization she leaned over and said 'I should have listened to you'. I just sit and cry over it often.

Wow...that is just completely tragic. I think for you though, what really matters is that you did try your hardest to help but remember that you can't change people who have no interest in changing.

It's so hard to talk to people about the possibility of a different path when we are so completely indoctrinated to believe that the Doctors are all knowing and always right because they've been educated. We've also been completely brainwashed into believing we are "cured" by pills and how disappointing to go to the doctor and not walk out with a prescription right? It's like we expect it!

That's been the problem with my Uncle. He unequivocally believes that he can eat sugar as long as he takes his glucophage because his Doctor has told him it's okay (at least that's what he claims the doctor has said).

I can understand his ignorance because I've been through it myself. We all know how hard it is to change lifelong eating habits so acknowledging that what you're doing is not helping means you are faced with changing it and that seems to be what scares people more than the lifelong damage of the disease. Change is hard and can be very scary.

I've had to be pretty selfish to some degree to make the changes I've made. I buy things at the store for "me" to eat and I now cook meals that "I" can eat. It's not that I won't share with my family but I don't buy any junk food and my son and daughter are onboard with me (and they too are losing weight) and my husband is supportive but still likes his carbs but my mom is the biggest problem in the support department.

I guess I just need to have that "heart to heart" with her and ask her to at least try to respect what I'm doing and keep her comments to herself.

[Neanderpam]

Thank you for your kind words. Oh, I'm so glad I talked him into buying Bernsteins then! At first I'd go on and on about doing PP and Atkins (which he really would not have read/listened to) and he's known me when I was 277 pounds...and we'd send him pictures and he'd visit and just WOW.

While I lost the weight and stabilized a lot of my autoimmune diseases and my hypothyroidism, he got larger in the gut and became full blown diabetic, all the time following the advice of his medical providers!

My GP just sticks right up for me! He's great! He got a new MA and sweet little thing looks at me and says 'WOW..but you can stop the lowcarb now and do lowfat cuz you've lost the weight". My eyes were as big as saucers, lol, but it wasn't ME who said anything, the Dr. took her in the hallway and just blasted her! I felt a little sorry for her. LOL

Patina, it's taken me about 12 years eating this way before anyone (even people who's jaw drops at my progress) started saying 'Wait a minute...she's got something there...omg..she might be ...um....right'. That IS happening.

My diabetic friend is so...oh gosh..addicted to the starches and sugar...and I even told him if he wanted to fly me to Vegas, I'd cook and freeze ready made LC meals for him....I'm THAT committed to HIS success and I think that's what made him actually get the book.

Sue333, that was exciting to know that Bernsteins is actually working for your son....it gives me hope that my adult friend will
see the light' too. Thank you for the hope.

[DietHobby]

It looks to me like you already have some good replies here.

[Patina]

Patina, it's taken me about 12 years eating this way before anyone (even people who's jaw drops at my progress) started saying 'Wait a minute...she's got something there...omg..she might be ...um....right'. That IS happening.

Yes, I think we just need to stick with that which we know is working for US and not spend too much time worrying about what everyone else thinks. You are lucky to have found a GP who supports the LC woe. I'm searching for one but no luck yet.

I wish you and your friend the best in being able to turn around (or at least improve) his diabetes. Getting him to read Bernstein is huge step in the right direction!

[Neanderpam]

Here's a list of lowcarb approving doctors in Washington Patina:

Dr. Julie Brogren (Mill Creek)
Nurse Sandra Christensen (Seattle)
Dr. Patricia Elliot (Bellingham)
Dr. Peter Jo (Bellevue)
Dr. Rick Lindquist (Seattle)
Dr. Robert Thompson (Seattle)
Dr. Bruce Wilson (Richland)
Dr. Angela Zechmann (Olympia)

(I usually only keep huge listings of thyroid friendly doctors, lol).

Pam

[bobnabq]

I read a book years ago about friends and family who try to sabotage your diet.
Sorry, I don't recall any suggestions.

When I'd visit my mom years ago, and she fixed all my old favorites,
she'd say things like "If you don't finish off the ____, I'll just have to throw it away."

[Jonika]

You are lucky to have found a GP who supports the LC woe. I'm searching for one but no luck yet.



I must be lucky to have doctors that approve of LC diets. My GP, OBGYN, and immunologist, and even dentist nodded their heads in approval when I told them I was lowcarbing. :)

[HappyLC]

I must be lucky to have doctors that approve of LC diets. My GP, OBGYN, and immunologist, and even dentist nodded their heads in approval when I told them I was lowcarbing. :)

I was reading "Eat Fat, Grow Slim" in my dentist's waiting room one day. The hygienist poked her head into the waiting room, saw me and asked "What are you reading?" I held up the book to show her the title and she laughed out loud! Of course, she's a marathon runner (and apparent lowfat devotee) who looks ten years older than her age.

[Patina]

Thought I would give an update on how it's going with my mom.

The other day she came home with fudge that my uncle had made and set it on the counter and announced "there's fudge on the counter". No one jumped up to run over and get a piece so about 5 minutes later she starts walking over to each of us in the room and putting the plate in front of us and asking if we want a piece.

I have to admit...my patience pretty much ran out at that point. I wasn't mean or rude (at least I don't think I was) but I replied to her offer with ..."Mom? Why are you doing this?" She answered with a complete look of surprise.."Doing what?"

"Why are you asking us if we want fudge when you know we're not eating sugar?". She looked completely shocked at my question! She answered with "I forgot".

So I took that opportunity to explain it once again to her why some of us in the house are not eating sugar and that in my case it's truly a matter of my health and that it is not helpful when she tries to shove sugar and high carb foods in front of us. I asked her again to please read one of the books I have on the subject so she would better understand why I'm doing what I'm doing but she declined.

So I finished the conversation by telling her yet again, that what I need is her support and not the disparaging comments she makes about what I am, or am not, eating. I told her I'm not asking her to approve of what I'm doing, just simply respect that it's something I choose to do and that walking around the room putting fudge in everyone's face is not being respectful nor supportive.

I think I got my point across because later, the plate of fudge had disappeared off the counter. I don't know what she did with it...I'm thinking she may have put it out in trash because the irony in all of this is...she doesn't eat fudge!!

[Nancy LC]

Yay! Good for you! Sounds like you handled it with aplomb.

[Neanderpam]

I'm sorry it took 'going there' but perhaps as you lose your weight, and get healthy she'll 'pick up on YOUR good influence' and learn from you.

Good for you for staying strong. And for being a great example for others

[abbykitty]

You have way more class than I. Mother or not, I'd have threatened to kick her out. Truly.

[Elizellen]

Wow!! Weigh to go with defusing the situation and getting your point across! :thup:

[Patina]

Well...I still suspect there is a deeper reason going on here as to why she's hell bent on cooking up and offering up high sugar/carb foods around the house.

I'll just have to wait for the opportunity to ask her again WHY she keeps doing it over and over. I think I'll have to tell her that "I forgot" is not an answer and that I really need to understand why she can't stop with pushing sugar on everyone. I'm not even sure she really knows why she does it but maybe letting her know I'm running out of patience with the behavior will make her think about it a little more.

I am also going to ask her why she flat out refuses to read ANY of the inforamtion I have around the house on this topic of LCing. It's not like she doesn't like to read...

Maybe I should try an analogy on her...ask her if I was an alcoholic and trying to not drink alcohol anymore would she feel it was okay to walk into the house with a bottle of vodka, set it on the counter and pour a drink and hand it to me? Because to me that's what it feels like she's doing when she pushes sugary treats on us. She might be able to relate to that better since her side of the family has been wrought with alcoholism and she has lost two brothers and a sister to the disease.

I think the strategy for now is that every time she tries to push sugar on us, I'll just come right back at her with "Why are you doing this?" and go through the same explanations over and over of why I'm not eating sugar and eventually, she'll give up....I hope!

[Seejay]

Seems like you have a mix of goals. Do you really want to understand her, or do you want her to embrace your plan, or do you want her to just quit the food pushing? All those different things require different strategies, at least for my loved ones.

If it's just to stop the food pushing:

I treat food pushers like a puppy who is not getting it. They may think they are being good company, but.... no.
Lots of love, humor, and boundaries. Kiss them on the nose and say nope, can't do that, don't go there, not now.
What you can do is communicate your boundaries and make them stick. Being pleasant when you have to say it ten thousand times, makes it easier for me for sure and a better atmosphere in the home.

Honestly my favorite thing ever is to say the same phrase to every single thing they say. This works for animal training too.

Mom: "hi everyone! there's fudge on the counter!"
Me: "how nice of you to think of me. Thanks, but I'm good"
Mom (carrying it around in faces): "do you want a piece?"
me: "how nice of you to think of me. Thanks, but I'm good"
mom: oh just one, this is uncles's special
me: "how nice of you to think of me. Thanks, but I'm good"
mom: it's not healthy to be on a fad diet
me: "how nice of you to think of me. Thanks, but I'm good"

Sometimes I keep score in my head, how many times I repeat the phrase. I have never been able to get in more than 4.

[TechShelly]

Patina, if the scale tips a little heavier this week, don't worry. It's just that "pair" that you grew, if you know what I mean. Good for you! Stay strong!

[DragonMS]

If your mom continues the sabotage attempts, "forgetting" that you are LCing and why, you may need to show her what happens to people with diabetes when they have uncontrolled blood sugars.

It may sound mean, but perhaps you have to describe in gruesome detail to her what will happen to you if you don't keep your glucose under control. Find pictures to go with your statements where possible.

"Mom, do you want me to lose my eyesight? Do you want me to lose my toes, my feet? Do you want me to end up with kidney disease and on dialysis three times a week? Do you want me to die?" Find a blog of someone who is undergoing dialysis to give her examples of why this is something you desperately want to avoid.

I finally had to explain to some people that even though I look ok, yes, what I have may very well kill me far ahead of my time.

Sometimes you need to use tough love.

[HappyLC]

Mom: "hi everyone! there's fudge on the counter!"
Me: "how nice of you to think of me. Thanks, but I'm good"
Mom (carrying it around in faces): "do you want a piece?"
me: "how nice of you to think of me. Thanks, but I'm good"
mom: oh just one, this is uncles's special
me: "how nice of you to think of me. Thanks, but I'm good"
mom: it's not healthy to be on a fad diet
me: "how nice of you to think of me. Thanks, but I'm good"

Sometimes I keep score in my head, how many times I repeat the phrase. I have never been able to get in more than 4.

I love this. I have a "friend" who used to give rather backhanded compliments...you know, the kind with an insult hidden inside. I began saying "Why thank you, you look nice today, too!" to every such comment. She eventually stopped.

[HappyLC]

Patina, if the scale tips a little heavier this week, don't worry. It's just that "pair" that you grew, if you know what I mean. Good for you! Stay strong!

Best thing I've heard today! :lol:

[Patina]

Seems like you have a mix of goals. Do you really want to understand her, or do you want her to embrace your plan, or do you want her to just quit the food pushing? All those different things require different strategies, at least for my loved ones.

What I want is:

1. Understand that I have diabetes and what it's doing to me when I don't have it under control

2. Quit pushing food.

She loves her carbs and I'm fine with that. I'm not asking her to embrace or approve of what I'm doing...just to understand that I have diabetes and she doesn't and so that is game changer for me in terms of my health and longevity and I've decided restricting sugar and carbs is the best form of "treatment".

I do like your suggestion of just repeating the same response over and over. Certainly would get her attention!

[Patina]

Patina, if the scale tips a little heavier this week, don't worry. It's just that "pair" that you grew, if you know what I mean. Good for you! Stay strong!

:lol: :lol: Thanks I'll keep that in mind when I weigh this week!

[WereBear]

She loves her carbs and I'm fine with that. I'm not asking her to embrace or approve of what I'm doing...just to understand that I have diabetes and she doesn't and so that is game changer for me in terms of my health and longevity and I've decided restricting sugar and carbs is the best form of "treatment".

I do like your suggestion of just repeating the same response over and over. Certainly would get her attention!

Well, you could get the point across (I'm a drama queen when necessary) "Oh, no, Mom! I could die!"

Heart clutching is optional.

[Cerridwen]

Honestly my favorite thing ever is to say the same phrase to every single thing they say. This works for animal training too.

Mom: "hi everyone! there's fudge on the counter!"
Me: "how nice of you to think of me. Thanks, but I'm good"
Mom (carrying it around in faces): "do you want a piece?"
me: "how nice of you to think of me. Thanks, but I'm good"
mom: oh just one, this is uncles's special
me: "how nice of you to think of me. Thanks, but I'm good"
mom: it's not healthy to be on a fad diet
me: "how nice of you to think of me. Thanks, but I'm good"

Sometimes I keep score in my head, how many times I repeat the phrase. I have never been able to get in more than 4.

I love this. I spent 4 months living with my mom last year (with my dh and 2 kids). It was highly stressful and my mother uses guilt to get me to comply. I actually got to the point where I would say straight out "Are you trying to make me feel guilty". To which she would reply "oh no, of course not". Then she would try again. I sometimes asked her 4 or 5 times in the course of one conversation.
You can not let people run rough-shod over you or your choices. Unfortunatly too often it's a pattern that we set with our parents from an early age.
My mom would take it personally when I wouldnt try a food that she was offering. When I tried to change the pattern of interaction, she would get very angry and fall into her pattern of not speaking to me, ignoring me, or being frigidly cold to me.
On an offside - when she started to do the same thing to my 7 year old daughter was when we quickly found a new home and left.

Stick to what you have to do. Try your best to explain it, but if people are not willing to listen, you still have to go forward.
Cerridwen

[Patina]

.
You can not let people run rough-shod over you or your choices. Unfortunatly too often it's a pattern that we set with our parents from an early age.
My mom would take it personally when I wouldnt try a food that she was offering.

The fact that it is my mom factors into my problem with dealing with her on this subject for sure. People who know me would certainly tell you that one thing I'm not is a push over...except for when dealing with my mom.

My mom's a very good person...and ....well...she's my mom! I have a hard time telling her no and while I don't think she takes advantage of that fact on purpose, she seems hell-bent on ignoring my decision regarding the sugar/carbs.

So I'll try the
Mom: "hi everyone! there's fudge on the counter!"
Me: "how nice of you to think of me. Thanks, but I'm good"
Mom (carrying it around in faces): "do you want a piece?"
me: "how nice of you to think of me. Thanks, but I'm good"
mom: oh just one, this is uncles's special
me: "how nice of you to think of me. Thanks, but I'm good"
mom: it's not healthy to be on a fad diet
me: "how nice of you to think of me. Thanks, but I'm good"

approach and see what happens.

[WereBear]

Good luck, Patina!

I think the whole "moms & food" equation, especially for those women who define themselves as homemakers, makes it very difficult for them to step back and see what they are actually doing to their loved ones.

When you were raised with, and lived your life by, the whole Goodies = Love equation, it's hard to think of our interactions in new ways.

Look how many low carbers on the board still bestow candy and cookies on their own children, even knowing that such things are actually not good for them, because they feel like "bad parents" otherwise!

[Seejay]

I also think it's hard for me to accept that my loved ones absolutely do not want to change. Even when *I* say it's important! harumph!

My mom was on me about my weight for 50 years! and then when her metabolism finally got shot (after years of coffee, toast, and cocktails), she ballooned up and her normal approach to staying thin - DID NOT WORK. Only then did she finally start to listen to what I had learned. Before then she absolutely could not hear another way besides the one that had worked for her.

[Cerridwen]

I also think it's hard for me to accept that my loved ones absolutely do not want to change. Even when *I* say it's important! harumph!


That's interesting and a little ironic. I guess there is another way to look at it.

Say your mom was doing something that you really didn't agree with and thought was totally bad for her health and you were seriously worried. Would you bug her about it? Something like say, overdosing on her painkillers on a regular basis, bungee-jumping, smoking, drinking or maybe "sleeping around" (Just kidding on that last one).

Would you stop bugging her, no matter how many times she asked you to respect her decision?

I guess the question becomes, if your mom truly, honestly thinks that what you are doing is bad for you, she probably won't stop bothering you.

I think your best bet is to find a Doctor that will back you up!

Just a little different angle maybe...
C.

[Patina]

That's interesting and a little ironic. I guess there is another way to look at it.

Say your mom was doing something that you really didn't agree with and thought was totally bad for her health and you were seriously worried. Would you bug her about it? Something like say, overdosing on her painkillers on a regular basis, bungee-jumping, smoking, drinking or maybe "sleeping around" (Just kidding on that last one).

Would you stop bugging her, no matter how many times she asked you to respect her decision?

I guess the question becomes, if your mom truly, honestly thinks that what you are doing is bad for you, she probably won't stop bothering you.

I think your best bet is to find a Doctor that will back you up!

Just a little different angle maybe...
C.

Yes that is another angle to ponder... but here's the thing...

I quit smoking back in January of this year and my mom continues to smoke (maybe 4-5 smokes a day). Not one time has she smoked in front of me or offered me a cigarette. She goes out of her way to smoke away from me and she actually makes a point of saying, from time to time, how proud she is of me for quitting and sticking with it.

But sugary foods are a whole different story. So to me it's simply an issue of education. She totally gets it that smoking is bad...even for her... so she can get on board with that. What she can't wrap her mind around is that sugar and carbs are not the best food choices to make because she's eaten them her whole life (she's 75) and she's in excellent health for her age.

I explain it to her all the time but apparently I have no credibility on this topic because she's not buying it and like I've said, she refuses to read anything I've offered up. If I had a doctor that was supportive of LC'ing, I'd make my mom go to an appt. with me and let the Dr. tell her...but I don't have that option available to me at this point.

I hold out hope that eventually she'll "get it" and stop the sabotage...just not sure what it will take and how long it will take to get the message across.

[rightnow]

I think, "Are you trying to kill me? Are you really saying that your hurt feelings about cookies are more important than my being diabetic and ending up losing my feet and vision over bad eating?" would be pretty effective but it might start a fight. Then again maybe sometimes a fight is needed since maybe some people in the heat of a snit will finally spit out something that makes their real motivations more clear. This is especially true in the case of people who are actually very nice, but that is partly from a lifetime of training in being very nice--you have to get them mad to make them break the training even momentarily to say what they really feel.

My stepmom's family died off one amputated foot, heart attack, cancer, going-blind, body part at a time, a whole slew of them. When I look back on all the holiday and event dinners filled with pure carbs/sugars because nobody thought diabetes was serious enough to pay close attention to, I am just aghast.

PJ

[Patina]

My stepmom's family died off one amputated foot, heart attack, cancer, going-blind, body part at a time, a whole slew of them. When I look back on all the holiday and event dinners filled with pure carbs/sugars because nobody thought diabetes was serious enough to pay close attention to, I am just aghast.

PJ

My mom has an ex-sister-in-law that is diabetic and she ended up having a foot amputated but my mom is convinced she lost her foot from drinking (she was/is an alcoholic).

We don't see the ex-SIL anymore but occasionally hear via the family grapevine that she's still drinking and still not taking care of her diabetes. For all I know maybe she's also had the other foot amputated by now.

Really tragic to live in denial to the point you're willing to lose body parts to continue eating (and drinking) sugar.