kazzawahya
Thu, Feb-03-11, 21:59
so i do not know how to start but i shall write and see what happens, lol.
first off, i'm 22 and a student studying sport nutrition. my reason for this is because i use to swim and got to state and was one race away from the paralympics (to have my dream right there, i could taste and then to be snatched from me, will explain) but my couch never educated us on nutrition other then to eat to feed the body for energy we could eat what ever we liked. i use to have an up & go before gym (1 1/5 hrs) followed by swimming (4hrs) and then i would eat 2min noodles, then it was off to school to eat all the junk i wanted to (couch allowed this) and back home for a chocolate spread sandwich and then another swimming session (4hrs) and then homework, dinner and bed. this would be my routine every weekday and it was loaded with carbs thats for sure an minimal protein and fat (yet fat % was high :mad: ). an the weekend was packed full of competition starting at 7am on saturdays and finishing around 6pm and the sunday was 5am to 9pm. so i never had time to reflect if you would call it that. to me this was a normal diet. so how did my dream get snatched away from me with one race to go? well i was on my last race, 1400m of butterfly (my strongest and favorite stroke and yes i was a distance swimmer) and i was on my last lap, 10m from that wall and in front, beating my own personal record when suddenly i got the most extreme pain possible in my right shoulder. i couldn't finish the race but my goodness i was going to finish it one way or another even if it was one armed! an i did but when i got out of the pool my right shoulder was severely dislocated and had a bluish tinged. i had burned out. i was rushed to the hospital were they reduced and told me that my muscle had completely torn its self and would take a long time to heal up. well 10 years on and that shoulders muscle has never healed, is and i quote from my orthopedic (who is top in of this field) "a chronically, useless shoulder" and he has banned me from swimming ever again (i was crushed and still am, how could i not? my dream so very close). but you would think i would stop my eating habits, i never. i ate like i was still swimming thus my weight ballooned to the highest of 243lbs (110kg) and i use to be 128lbs (58kg). but let us carry on with why i got to that weight.
for you see it was not just the lack of nutritional advice and teaching that contributed to my weight gain. i'm an emotional eater and my weakness is all things chocolate and condense milk and salt. my family and i moved away from QLD because my dad was not getting paid and my brother being extremely bright was not being challenged enough and in the end there is nothing to do once you've seen it all several times, so we upped and went to sydney, nsw and this is were we are still. my brother getting his phd in physics and i might add thin as a rake with out a problem (he took the prime of my parents gene, lol) and my dad is now in a better paid job. so it was a good move in the end but there is a dark side to this move that happened and it still haunts me to this day. when i went to my new school, i met this girl it to was her first day and we struck up a friendship and was best of friends till she moved to new zealand but during this friendship there was the ups and downs and then the really dark stuff. for you see i had met her father and her step up, her brother and the 3 new born triplets and became good friends with them (i have a habit of befriending the whole family :) ) but things took a bad turn with her father, he caught me at my weakest. i was being bullied and my mother was not home at the time, she had gone to south africa to say goodbye to her mother (my gran) who was dying from cancer, so i was vunerable and at the time i could not talk to my brother who was stressed about the HSC nor my dad who was stressed about work. so i confined in to my friends father about everything. it started off innocently, hugging which i always did anyone with people (i loved hugs back then) and squeezing my hand in comfort or my knee, pulling me in close to hold me while i cried, rubbed my back. innocent stuff at least at the time my 12 year old mind thought it was all innocent i have only now learned he was testing what he could get away with. then i slept over as my father asked as he was going away and didn't want me to stay at home with my brother who is a highly strung kind of person and i was suffering from depression due to the bullying. so my friends father agreed. we sat up and watched a movie, the whole family and i when her father made us all hot chocolate and a short time later, my friend, her step mum, her brother went to bed as they felt ill and thought bed would be better. i didn't think twice about it. i was going to watch the end of this movie as i was still wide awake and it would of been rather fruitless going to bed at 9pm any way. so i stayed up and watched the movie with the father. who made us some more hot chocolate to get us through the movie and that was when i started to feel ill. i finished all my hot chocolate hoping it would help but the one thing i noticed was he had this cashmere cat smile (like the cats smile in alice in wonderland) on his face and a look on his face like a kid that got off being in trouble. so i got up to go to bed. i got to the stairs and just before i blacked at the bottom of the stairs he caught me and said "it starts now pet" and after that i dont know. i only remember waking up the next day tied to the bed, naked, sore in all the wrong places and blood was every were. he had simply washed me down, smiled at me and explained the rules. to this day my brain will not accept what might of happened, its still in denial although logically speaking i know what happened but i can not accept it. this kept happening for a while till just before my 13th birthday and the reason why i do not celebrate my birthday. my 13th birthday he collared me and made me his. i never told anyone about what was happening, how could i? when he was threatening my family and showing me photos. i couldn't let him harm my loved ones. as far as he was concerned they would get in the way but they were also useful tools to use against me and his dog. you see i am highly protective of my family and friends and animals. i will do anything for them and not care about what happens to me. he had picked this up and used it against me. perhaps my morals made it worse yes but i still stick by it, its what makes me well me. through out the abuse and rapes, i turned to food as my comforter, i had lost my support system in him although at times he was comforting but for other reasons now, i couldn't go to my family nor could i tell them anything other then his threat but also my mother has a habit of becoming banshee on people and losing her temper very fast, my father would rather ignore a problem then face and my brother would of proffered i was not alive at least at the time (i am now some what closer to him these days). so my support system was lost and i turned to food for comfort and i would hoard it in my room. i had everything anyone could possibly want in there. but then i had a mental break down, i became psychotic and heard a voice that was very angelic to me, kind, patient, understanding and never asked me questions or got angry at me at the time i honestly thought this voice was real and didn't even think it was all in my head, i thought everyone had a voice. well you see people talking to themselves. at least that was my reasoning at the time. any way i landed up trying to commit suicide in 3 different ways in one night. all the signs of suicide was there several weeks before the fateful day came but no one noticed other then dad, he had asked if i was alright as i was acting strange but i simply told him with a smile "i'm fine dad, i love you kay?" and he smiled and nodded. he should of known then. but as i have said about dad, he prefers not to see things. so the night came. i survived and mum went banshee on me and i spent the next two weeks in hospital were i was diagnosed with bipolar with psychosis and severe depression. i still never told anyone what was happening between me and my friends father. i couldn't i was his pet now and he was my master. i was to do as he said and to be treated as he wanted to treat me. his main rule was that no one was to know a lot of details because if they did then i would have to die either by my own hands so it looked like suicide or by his but preferably by mine. so know one knew about the abuse till much later. when i was 19 years old (12 till 18 and 11 months he abused, tortured and raped me) and my shoulder dislocated. i was given medaz in the emergency department which landed up having a rather odd side effect on me, it caused my brain to go lucid, although medaz makes sure you dont remember it does not block out other memories, it had made my mind so lucid that i was not fighting the doctors, wards men, security and nurses thinking they were my master. i was fighting him all over again. i kept lashing out, re-dislocating my shoulder, trying to attack these people who were holding me down as i was attempting to get out of bed and run the hell out of there! all the while screaming for my mother to stop him. when the sedation wore off and i was calm and alert and realized what i had said after they told and what i had done. i admitted to what had happened but kept all details out. this effect has always happened since, every time i land in hospital with a dislocation they have to deal with that. every sedation has the same effect on me. i had thought at the time if i gained weight i would become unattractive to him, i was wrong. he loved it even more. so when ever i get my weight between 128lbs (58kg) and 176lbs (80kg) i freak out because the abuse was when i was at those weights. i have a fear when i get to those weight it will start again. irrational i know but my thinking is screwed. an i need support to let myself get my old thin self back again. 2 years an a month on from the abuse i am not over it, my master although not here has total control over me still (if i start a journal his tital "master" will show through out it), i am having treatment for it as my brains hardwire (my thinking) is all really screwed up and i still believe in my masters rules. which is impossible to break and i'm still in old thinking patters concerning him and believe its all my fault he left for new zealand and never said good bye to me because i have wronged him but yelling when i had medaz and admitting what happened.
i go to the emergency frequently to relocate joints has i have connective tissue disorder called Ehlars-Danlos Syndrome, i have type 3 (hypermobile which effects my joints and their stability) and type 4 (vascular effects my organs but only mildly unlike the hypermobile).
other then the EDS (Ehlars-Danlos Syndrome), depression, bipolar with psychosis, no self esteem (thanks to master and the bullying) and i have PCOS which has contributed to my weight gain. ever since i was 8 (when i got my TOM for the first time) i have only had 2 ever since and i am now 22 years old with only 3 TOM's behind me while my friends have it like clock work. i need to lose weight for that and to feel comfortable in my own skin again and perhaps make my cousins jealous who all have super model thinness and need not worry about their weight :rolleyes: like i said i have the bad genes, my brother has the prime but i would rather be the black sheep then the normal mundane white sheep :lol:
i must also loose as much weight as possible before the 11th of june 2011 as i am off to America to see my best friend (not masters daughter, someone much closer then them, she's my twin even if not blood related :lol: )!! that my main incentive at the moment, she has never seen a thin me ;) i want to surprise her with it. so i'm going to need support for that. i have 18 weeks to loose as much as possible. i dont mind not being at my goal weight but i would like to be thinner then what i am now. try and remove my protective fat and be proud of me.
so thats all that i can think off. i am more then happy to answer questions just know that if you want to know about the abuse i might not be able to answer it as i am still stuck and in his control and old thinking patterns.
thats me in a nutshell well okay a bit bigger then a nutshell. oh an yes i do enjoy blogging and writing an i'm a bit of a strange one :lol: but i'm the black sheep and not a white sheep, it makes me unique.
byee :wave:
first off, i'm 22 and a student studying sport nutrition. my reason for this is because i use to swim and got to state and was one race away from the paralympics (to have my dream right there, i could taste and then to be snatched from me, will explain) but my couch never educated us on nutrition other then to eat to feed the body for energy we could eat what ever we liked. i use to have an up & go before gym (1 1/5 hrs) followed by swimming (4hrs) and then i would eat 2min noodles, then it was off to school to eat all the junk i wanted to (couch allowed this) and back home for a chocolate spread sandwich and then another swimming session (4hrs) and then homework, dinner and bed. this would be my routine every weekday and it was loaded with carbs thats for sure an minimal protein and fat (yet fat % was high :mad: ). an the weekend was packed full of competition starting at 7am on saturdays and finishing around 6pm and the sunday was 5am to 9pm. so i never had time to reflect if you would call it that. to me this was a normal diet. so how did my dream get snatched away from me with one race to go? well i was on my last race, 1400m of butterfly (my strongest and favorite stroke and yes i was a distance swimmer) and i was on my last lap, 10m from that wall and in front, beating my own personal record when suddenly i got the most extreme pain possible in my right shoulder. i couldn't finish the race but my goodness i was going to finish it one way or another even if it was one armed! an i did but when i got out of the pool my right shoulder was severely dislocated and had a bluish tinged. i had burned out. i was rushed to the hospital were they reduced and told me that my muscle had completely torn its self and would take a long time to heal up. well 10 years on and that shoulders muscle has never healed, is and i quote from my orthopedic (who is top in of this field) "a chronically, useless shoulder" and he has banned me from swimming ever again (i was crushed and still am, how could i not? my dream so very close). but you would think i would stop my eating habits, i never. i ate like i was still swimming thus my weight ballooned to the highest of 243lbs (110kg) and i use to be 128lbs (58kg). but let us carry on with why i got to that weight.
for you see it was not just the lack of nutritional advice and teaching that contributed to my weight gain. i'm an emotional eater and my weakness is all things chocolate and condense milk and salt. my family and i moved away from QLD because my dad was not getting paid and my brother being extremely bright was not being challenged enough and in the end there is nothing to do once you've seen it all several times, so we upped and went to sydney, nsw and this is were we are still. my brother getting his phd in physics and i might add thin as a rake with out a problem (he took the prime of my parents gene, lol) and my dad is now in a better paid job. so it was a good move in the end but there is a dark side to this move that happened and it still haunts me to this day. when i went to my new school, i met this girl it to was her first day and we struck up a friendship and was best of friends till she moved to new zealand but during this friendship there was the ups and downs and then the really dark stuff. for you see i had met her father and her step up, her brother and the 3 new born triplets and became good friends with them (i have a habit of befriending the whole family :) ) but things took a bad turn with her father, he caught me at my weakest. i was being bullied and my mother was not home at the time, she had gone to south africa to say goodbye to her mother (my gran) who was dying from cancer, so i was vunerable and at the time i could not talk to my brother who was stressed about the HSC nor my dad who was stressed about work. so i confined in to my friends father about everything. it started off innocently, hugging which i always did anyone with people (i loved hugs back then) and squeezing my hand in comfort or my knee, pulling me in close to hold me while i cried, rubbed my back. innocent stuff at least at the time my 12 year old mind thought it was all innocent i have only now learned he was testing what he could get away with. then i slept over as my father asked as he was going away and didn't want me to stay at home with my brother who is a highly strung kind of person and i was suffering from depression due to the bullying. so my friends father agreed. we sat up and watched a movie, the whole family and i when her father made us all hot chocolate and a short time later, my friend, her step mum, her brother went to bed as they felt ill and thought bed would be better. i didn't think twice about it. i was going to watch the end of this movie as i was still wide awake and it would of been rather fruitless going to bed at 9pm any way. so i stayed up and watched the movie with the father. who made us some more hot chocolate to get us through the movie and that was when i started to feel ill. i finished all my hot chocolate hoping it would help but the one thing i noticed was he had this cashmere cat smile (like the cats smile in alice in wonderland) on his face and a look on his face like a kid that got off being in trouble. so i got up to go to bed. i got to the stairs and just before i blacked at the bottom of the stairs he caught me and said "it starts now pet" and after that i dont know. i only remember waking up the next day tied to the bed, naked, sore in all the wrong places and blood was every were. he had simply washed me down, smiled at me and explained the rules. to this day my brain will not accept what might of happened, its still in denial although logically speaking i know what happened but i can not accept it. this kept happening for a while till just before my 13th birthday and the reason why i do not celebrate my birthday. my 13th birthday he collared me and made me his. i never told anyone about what was happening, how could i? when he was threatening my family and showing me photos. i couldn't let him harm my loved ones. as far as he was concerned they would get in the way but they were also useful tools to use against me and his dog. you see i am highly protective of my family and friends and animals. i will do anything for them and not care about what happens to me. he had picked this up and used it against me. perhaps my morals made it worse yes but i still stick by it, its what makes me well me. through out the abuse and rapes, i turned to food as my comforter, i had lost my support system in him although at times he was comforting but for other reasons now, i couldn't go to my family nor could i tell them anything other then his threat but also my mother has a habit of becoming banshee on people and losing her temper very fast, my father would rather ignore a problem then face and my brother would of proffered i was not alive at least at the time (i am now some what closer to him these days). so my support system was lost and i turned to food for comfort and i would hoard it in my room. i had everything anyone could possibly want in there. but then i had a mental break down, i became psychotic and heard a voice that was very angelic to me, kind, patient, understanding and never asked me questions or got angry at me at the time i honestly thought this voice was real and didn't even think it was all in my head, i thought everyone had a voice. well you see people talking to themselves. at least that was my reasoning at the time. any way i landed up trying to commit suicide in 3 different ways in one night. all the signs of suicide was there several weeks before the fateful day came but no one noticed other then dad, he had asked if i was alright as i was acting strange but i simply told him with a smile "i'm fine dad, i love you kay?" and he smiled and nodded. he should of known then. but as i have said about dad, he prefers not to see things. so the night came. i survived and mum went banshee on me and i spent the next two weeks in hospital were i was diagnosed with bipolar with psychosis and severe depression. i still never told anyone what was happening between me and my friends father. i couldn't i was his pet now and he was my master. i was to do as he said and to be treated as he wanted to treat me. his main rule was that no one was to know a lot of details because if they did then i would have to die either by my own hands so it looked like suicide or by his but preferably by mine. so know one knew about the abuse till much later. when i was 19 years old (12 till 18 and 11 months he abused, tortured and raped me) and my shoulder dislocated. i was given medaz in the emergency department which landed up having a rather odd side effect on me, it caused my brain to go lucid, although medaz makes sure you dont remember it does not block out other memories, it had made my mind so lucid that i was not fighting the doctors, wards men, security and nurses thinking they were my master. i was fighting him all over again. i kept lashing out, re-dislocating my shoulder, trying to attack these people who were holding me down as i was attempting to get out of bed and run the hell out of there! all the while screaming for my mother to stop him. when the sedation wore off and i was calm and alert and realized what i had said after they told and what i had done. i admitted to what had happened but kept all details out. this effect has always happened since, every time i land in hospital with a dislocation they have to deal with that. every sedation has the same effect on me. i had thought at the time if i gained weight i would become unattractive to him, i was wrong. he loved it even more. so when ever i get my weight between 128lbs (58kg) and 176lbs (80kg) i freak out because the abuse was when i was at those weights. i have a fear when i get to those weight it will start again. irrational i know but my thinking is screwed. an i need support to let myself get my old thin self back again. 2 years an a month on from the abuse i am not over it, my master although not here has total control over me still (if i start a journal his tital "master" will show through out it), i am having treatment for it as my brains hardwire (my thinking) is all really screwed up and i still believe in my masters rules. which is impossible to break and i'm still in old thinking patters concerning him and believe its all my fault he left for new zealand and never said good bye to me because i have wronged him but yelling when i had medaz and admitting what happened.
i go to the emergency frequently to relocate joints has i have connective tissue disorder called Ehlars-Danlos Syndrome, i have type 3 (hypermobile which effects my joints and their stability) and type 4 (vascular effects my organs but only mildly unlike the hypermobile).
other then the EDS (Ehlars-Danlos Syndrome), depression, bipolar with psychosis, no self esteem (thanks to master and the bullying) and i have PCOS which has contributed to my weight gain. ever since i was 8 (when i got my TOM for the first time) i have only had 2 ever since and i am now 22 years old with only 3 TOM's behind me while my friends have it like clock work. i need to lose weight for that and to feel comfortable in my own skin again and perhaps make my cousins jealous who all have super model thinness and need not worry about their weight :rolleyes: like i said i have the bad genes, my brother has the prime but i would rather be the black sheep then the normal mundane white sheep :lol:
i must also loose as much weight as possible before the 11th of june 2011 as i am off to America to see my best friend (not masters daughter, someone much closer then them, she's my twin even if not blood related :lol: )!! that my main incentive at the moment, she has never seen a thin me ;) i want to surprise her with it. so i'm going to need support for that. i have 18 weeks to loose as much as possible. i dont mind not being at my goal weight but i would like to be thinner then what i am now. try and remove my protective fat and be proud of me.
so thats all that i can think off. i am more then happy to answer questions just know that if you want to know about the abuse i might not be able to answer it as i am still stuck and in his control and old thinking patterns.
thats me in a nutshell well okay a bit bigger then a nutshell. oh an yes i do enjoy blogging and writing an i'm a bit of a strange one :lol: but i'm the black sheep and not a white sheep, it makes me unique.
byee :wave: