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  #91   ^
Old Fri, Mar-14-03, 08:37
Kingwood Kingwood is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 150
 
Plan: Atkins/testing CAD
Stats: 198/184/145
BF:
Progress: 26%
Location: Kingwood
Default

I really enjoy reading this thread and the comfort I receive knowing I'm not alone in this journey. Thank you all so very much..

I know that the psyche requires balance, that is a psychological fact. So when one emotional thing is leaning too far in one direction we will overdo in another so we can obtain that emotional balance. That doesn't mean we'll do it in healthy ways unfortunately or go about it in rational ways.

I also know that we humans have "emotional triggers" that are rooted back to childhood. My primary trigger happens to be deprivation. So when anything smells like, feels like, or sounds like deprivation it sets me off into an emotional reaction. Needing balance I seek something that will help me not to feel so deprived. My means of balancing out those feelings of deprivation have been met in two ways, negative attention seeking from men and negative choices/and quantities of food.

Knowing that much, what can I do since I will definitely react to deprivation for the rest of my life. Nothing will ever change that. That will be with me for the rest of my life. That too is a psychological fact. So I have to learn a way of seeking that balance when feelings of deprivation come without it being the damaging two that I've used. That is the real journey for me.

I'd like to hear from others on this, if you're willing. What emotional triggers do you have? Shame? Abandonment? Betrayal? Disappointment? Etc. What is your primary trigger?
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  #92   ^
Old Fri, Mar-14-03, 11:06
DDMariana's Avatar
DDMariana DDMariana is offline
Registered Member
Posts: 2,337
 
Plan: Atkins
Stats: 196/179/150
BF:Ugh!
Progress: 37%
Location: Vacaville, California
Default

Hey Kingwood...

I of course only have 30 seconds to answer this 2 hour question!! But it's such a good one, and it's something I've been working on recently and continue to examine...

Abandonment is a big issue for me. I can trace the onset of childhood depression back to being 10 years old, with another major trauma at 12, then 10 years of isolation, etc.

By the time I was an adult taking "care" of myself, I had layer on top of layer on my body...just trying to insulate, protect, even some type of "keeping what I have left" ON me at all times...

It's deep, but the roots of addiction and self abuse are, huh? This has been a long journey for me...one that I thought was settled for good...but recently had another "abandonment" trigger combined with a "trauma" to boot...and guess what???

The flood of Noah...

Doing very well these days...dealing face to face with the "trigger" this time...finding ways NOT to let it fester like the last one did for so many years... trying to put forgiveness into the mix now, more understanding, less judgement... but MAN is that hard.

Funny thing though...my old comfort buddy...FOOD...was the LAST thing I wanted. STARVED myself... now how's that for giving up on every last sure thing you know??

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  #93   ^
Old Sat, Mar-15-03, 08:22
Kingwood Kingwood is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 150
 
Plan: Atkins/testing CAD
Stats: 198/184/145
BF:
Progress: 26%
Location: Kingwood
Default Thank you for your post Donna

Interesting how you flipped from endulging in food to then starving yourself. Sounds like flip sides of the same coin. Its still about food, just acting it out in different extremes. Unfortunately, I can relate to that!

I think most of us would agree that we can't use our negative childhood experiences as an excuse for inappropriate behavior as adults, but it can't be denied that those childhood experiences set the stage for how we enter our adult lives. We learn coping mechanisms early in life to deal with what hurts us. Its a human being's way of surviving because as a child we are at the mercy of the adults around us. Pretty powerless little people.

Unfortunately no one takes us aside as we are leaving childhood and entering adulthood and helps us to evaluate those coping mechanisms to see how they will help us or harm us in the adult world. So what do we do? We just carry on into our adult lives, sometimes for the rest of our lives, the coping skills that a little child set in place. I can't undo what others did to me but I can undo the coping mechanisms that I set in place many years ago. I can't keep letting a little child control how I live my adult life.
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  #94   ^
Old Sat, Mar-15-03, 10:13
I.W.Gurl's Avatar
I.W.Gurl I.W.Gurl is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 175
 
Plan: Atkin's
Stats: 190/184/140 Female 5'4"
BF:
Progress: 12%
Location: Oregon
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"Self Sabotage" is exactly that for me - I can always link messing up on my eating plan with feeling down or having some kind of difficult time.

My approach at battling those episodes this time around? Therapy and surrounding myself with people who care about me and I care about in return, I never realized how important a support system is!
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  #95   ^
Old Sat, Mar-15-03, 18:51
SummerYet's Avatar
SummerYet SummerYet is offline
Reinventing Myself
Posts: 11,768
 
Plan: Doctor's Plan
Stats: */*/* Female 5 ft 3 in
BF:
Progress: 77%
Location: Scotch Plains, NJ
Default

I think my biggest trigger is lack of affection/love/acceptance. I never had that in my life growing up. Not that they didnt love me, but it was never shown in my home and I wanted that most of all. They bought me tons of stuff, but that didnt replace what I needed (not that we were rich...please dont let me give that impression...but it was like they showed love by buying stuff) I would have been happy with hugs, kisses, or "I love yous". WOuld have saved them a lot of money!
Even in my relationships with friends and men, that is what I want...I give give give and when I feel I dont get back in return (which i feel A LOT) then it is a trigger.
I have been controlling it lately, but I am just waiting...

~Michelle
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  #96   ^
Old Sun, Mar-16-03, 08:46
nesquita nesquita is offline
Registered Member
Posts: 29
 
Plan: atkin's
Stats: 120/115/105
BF:
Progress: 33%
Default

Am I too late to join in on this thread?

I started this morning thinking I'd just read a few posts, but here I am, 45 mins later, reading everyone's stories.

I started Atkin's 2 weeks ago because for the past 12 years I've been using the "starve yourself/stick your fingers down your throat" diet. Up until a couple of months ago, I thought I was normal. Scary. What's scarier is trying to change that; scarier still is that with change comes the uncovering of who I am.

There's a passage that really spoke to me and got me to post on this thread (sorry, I don't know how to do the fancy block quote thing):
--------------------------------------------------
So, with this in mind, isn't eating right not just a commitment to a diet, to the things you eat, but a commitment to one's self? It seems to be about self-respect really. I'm still trying to fully realize this, of course. I can say it, but still find myself wanting to eat chocolate bars outside of RM, and sometimes doing it, saying to myself, "Screw it, what does it matter, I should be able to eat chocolate just like everybody else whatever I want. I should be allowed to do what I want."
But what am I really saying when I say these things to myself? The rhetoric sounds like I'm in control, like I "know myself", but really, underneath those words is a fear of lack control and so-called strength, of not knowing who I am and feeling a lack of worth.
--------------------------------------------------
Commitment to change, lack of self worth, not knowing who I am when I thought I was so self aware-- these are my 'issues' too. Even the commitment of 'putting it on paper,' saying it out loud to myself, finally coming clean to someone else-- "I have an eating disorder"-- is frightening and bizarre and unreal to me because I can't believe who I've been and who I've become without me realizing it.

THANK YOU all for your stories and insights. You all have an amazing, supportive forum here.
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  #97   ^
Old Sun, Mar-16-03, 09:22
Donnajm407's Avatar
Donnajm407 Donnajm407 is offline
New Member
Posts: 9
 
Plan: Atkins
Stats: 185/178/120
BF:too scared to look
Progress: 11%
Location: Edgewood BC Canada
Default

Wow. I'm not alone.

Almost everytime I see a smaller number on the scale I start to jinx myself. Or I think of a lame excuse to eat.

This time its going to be different. I haven't felt this good in years. No fatigue, relatively no hunger pangs and to top it off...for the first time in 4 years I'm decreasing the prozac instead of increasing. My libido has returned!!!!

I'm beginning to not care if I lose the weight. Well, not quite, but at least dismissing it as the main reason for the live style change.


Thank you all.
Donna
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  #98   ^
Old Sun, Mar-16-03, 10:09
SummerYet's Avatar
SummerYet SummerYet is offline
Reinventing Myself
Posts: 11,768
 
Plan: Doctor's Plan
Stats: */*/* Female 5 ft 3 in
BF:
Progress: 77%
Location: Scotch Plains, NJ
Default

Welcome Donna and Nesquita!

It is never too late to join this thread. We all need all the support we can get! Grab a seat and dig right in!

~Michelle
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  #99   ^
Old Sun, Mar-16-03, 11:02
Kingwood Kingwood is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 150
 
Plan: Atkins/testing CAD
Stats: 198/184/145
BF:
Progress: 26%
Location: Kingwood
Default

I agree with Michelle, welcome to you both. There is such a positive power in getting our thoughts and feelings out in the open and having safe people to share them with.

Keep coming back...
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  #100   ^
Old Tue, Mar-18-03, 22:51
zandria72's Avatar
zandria72 zandria72 is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 1,061
 
Plan: moderate - BFing
Stats: 247.5/195/150 Female 66 inches
BF:preg/curr/goal
Progress: 54%
Location: Muncie, IN
Default thoughts

I just read through most of the posts here...all very interesting stuff, and some very personal thoughts. I'm gonna stick my head out and propose yet another idea--don't flame me too hard. LOL
My belief is that I don't really have any issues that I'm trying to cover up by being fat. I've always wanted to be thin, and when I've gotten thinner, I've loved it. So why did I gain weight again? 1) I love food. I love all kinds of food. I got sick of eating one way and wanted to eat another way. 2) I've become injured in one way or another, and couldn't keep up with the exercise that had pumped up my metabolism. 3) My lifestyle changed and I started eating with another person who didn't eat the way I did. I liked the lifestyle.

I never saw my changes in diet as being SABOTAGE. I just wanted to eat something else. I missed eating it...my willpower broke down. The first time I regained weight, it went like this. I got into a groove of doing a certain amount of exercise. This had a couple of effects: one, it changed my appetite. I could pick foods that were better for me and avoid ones that weren't. And two, it increased my metabolism. When I got injured and couldn't exercise, those things both changed. I went back to my old preferred (and oh-so-tasty) eating habits. I just couldn't keep up with the restriction necessary.

The first time I went on a LC diet, it lasted maybe a couple of months. But by that time, I had progressed enough in my running (a brand new thing for me) and weight training that I could get away with eating more carbs and not gain weight. Was I sabotaging myself? I don't think so. Then I moved across the country, leaving my now ex and meeting my now boyfriend. We ate out all the time. I had trouble adjusting here (there's that stress and lack of balance mentioned earlier), stopped running, and my Achilles tendonitis flared up. For a few months, I lived on all kinds of JUNK (seriously--fast food most of the time) and didn't gain any weight!! I thought I had it made! But it was just my metabolism taking a while to adjust. Pretty soon, the pounds started piling on. I knew that I didn't want to go back to protein shakes (I'd been doing BFL before I moved to CA, and oddly, the shakes appealed to me then)...and I didn't even think about LC. Eating LC is hard for me, because there are just too many foods I miss--and not all horrid ones, IMO.

So what's going to keep me on this time? I don't know. I *do* know that I have made changes (i.e. allowing a few more carbs here and there) that I feel are more liveable for me. I just can't stand the idea of being crammed into a shape that doesn't fit me (metaphorically). Some changes can be made, and some can't...so I have to figure out what I can change and still be content.
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  #101   ^
Old Wed, Mar-19-03, 08:09
TeriDoodle TeriDoodle is offline
Starting Over!
Posts: 3,435
 
Plan: Protein Power LifePlan
Stats: 182/178/150 Female 67 inches
BF:Jiggley mess
Progress: 13%
Location: Texas!!
Default

Hi Zandria - I'm more like you. I don't think I have an issue with self-sabotage*, mine is just more about lack of motivation....or pure laziness. I know what I have to do, I just can't seem to get off my butt to do it-- I'm talking about exercise here.

But there are plenty of people who do have an underlying fear(?) of losing weight and being more attractive, and this thread is to help those folks work through those feelings. So many times we need to be prompted by someone else's experience to examine our own more closely.

Good luck to you with your LC efforts! I hope it goes well for you!

* On the other hand, I recall sitting on a therapist's couch many years ago as she asked me why I participated in so many self-destructive behaviors like smoking, drinking, eating junk, not exercising, etc. I'm glad she asked that very good question because it's always stuck with me and I answered it daily for myself ever since. It's helped me to become the MUCH healthier person I am today.
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  #102   ^
Old Wed, Mar-19-03, 12:42
zandria72's Avatar
zandria72 zandria72 is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 1,061
 
Plan: moderate - BFing
Stats: 247.5/195/150 Female 66 inches
BF:preg/curr/goal
Progress: 54%
Location: Muncie, IN
Default

"On the other hand, I recall sitting on a therapist's couch many years ago as she asked me why I participated in so many self-destructive behaviors like smoking, drinking, eating junk, not
exercising, etc"

Ummm...because they're fun to do? And avoiding them, finding something else to fill their places, is not so fun to do? That's what I would have told her. I did not start eating junk to be self-destructive. And I was never very active... I always preferred reading or other non-active things. It wasn't like I set to destroy myself. People (usually) don't start smoking or drinking to destroy themselves.

I do have one psychological issue with food. I always want more than I need. I always feel deprived taking what would be considered a normal serving. If I go to the store or a restaurant, I feel a rush of what might be considered giddiness (sp?) when I see the selection set before me. I don't know why this is, but it has always been that way. I remember being young and going into the convenience store in town (which didn't happen often) and seeing the expansive array of candies and doughnuts. I wanted to get all I could. And the very act of buying them was exciting for me. Then the 'having' turned into 'consuming' and voila! binging. I want it all, now. *sigh*
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  #103   ^
Old Thu, Mar-20-03, 20:36
SummerYet's Avatar
SummerYet SummerYet is offline
Reinventing Myself
Posts: 11,768
 
Plan: Doctor's Plan
Stats: */*/* Female 5 ft 3 in
BF:
Progress: 77%
Location: Scotch Plains, NJ
Default

Just wondering why you feel the need to keep posting here if you feel there is no such thing as self sabotage...

You have a definite right to your opinion, don't get me wrong. But when there are many of us struggling with our issues in a thread that is DEDICATED to these issues, it sure doesnt help for people to come by and say there is no such thing as what we are feeling...

And if I am misunderstanding, and you are just applying this to yourself, I apologize, but in that case I think there are probably better places than this thread here for you since you arent affected.

Just MHO,

~Michelle
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  #104   ^
Old Fri, Mar-21-03, 08:52
Kingwood Kingwood is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 150
 
Plan: Atkins/testing CAD
Stats: 198/184/145
BF:
Progress: 26%
Location: Kingwood
Default

This thread has been a safe and supportive place for people to share. I certainly hope that it can remain that way.

Not everyone is at the place where they can connect the dots and see how much of their adult behavior is rooted back in childhood. Not just about eating but other behaviors as well, positive and negative. Some people just can't see it, others just don't want to see it, yet it is a psychological fact. Psychology is a science, whether we like it or not.

Not everyone has a fear of being thin or views fat as protection either. However what I believe we can see in everyone's post is an unhealthy acting out with food at different times in our lives. What I see in everyone's post in one way or another are attempts to cope with life and emotions through food. Weight gain or weight loss is only a symptom, not the problem or solution itself. The question is, then where is the problem rooted?
Some care about that answer, others only want to be thin. I believe for those who want to get thin and STAY thin we have to know. I also believe knowing what is at the root of my problem I will gain better understanding of how NOT to sabatoge myself.

Some things we humans are just born with, like a fear of falling for example. Other things like feelings of deprivation, laziness, shame, etc. are learned behaviors which means something happened to set them in place. We can be reacting to things that aren't even happening anymore, they simply happened years ago. Ironically, we can create situations to recreate those feelings for the simple reason they are familiar to us, even though harmful or painful.

I finally connected the dots when it came to weighing myself. I was doing it rather compulsively and had to stop. Why was I doing it? For me, I'm a perfectionist which means I judge myself harshly. When I don't want to hear that perfectionist nagging me in my head I will flip into procrastinating. If I do nothing, I can't be judged, right? Flip sides of the same coin, not wanting to be judged even by me. Without realizing it at first I was using that scale as a means of deciding how perfectly I was doing when it came to my weight. If it was up, I was a failure and the shame statements would rush through my head. Which of course can easily lead to eating to soothe myself, then shame sets in doing that. So now I put the scale away and only step on it one day a week. I can't deny the psychological fact that people who live with perfectionism/procrastination as adults felt judged as children. As if love was measured depending on performance.
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  #105   ^
Old Fri, Mar-21-03, 09:19
TeriDoodle TeriDoodle is offline
Starting Over!
Posts: 3,435
 
Plan: Protein Power LifePlan
Stats: 182/178/150 Female 67 inches
BF:Jiggley mess
Progress: 13%
Location: Texas!!
Default

Your insights are priceless, Kingwood! Thank you SO much for sharing so much with us.
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