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  #16   ^
Old Thu, Apr-28-16, 18:45
MickiSue MickiSue is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 8,006
 
Plan: Atkins
Stats: 189/148.6/145 Female 5' 5"
BF:36%/28%/25%
Progress: 92%
Location: Twin Cities, MN
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I don't even remember where I read it, anymore, but I've always tried to remember this advice on giving compliments. Never compliment the item, or the clothes. Compliment how it looks on the person.

That way, you are really saying that, rather than the clothes making THEM look good, THEY make the clothes look good.

I thought it was such a good idea, that I decided it would be my goal forever!
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  #17   ^
Old Sat, Oct-22-16, 08:02
CallmeAnn's Avatar
CallmeAnn CallmeAnn is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 1,630
 
Plan: HFLC/IF
Stats: 218/193.8/135 Female 5'4"
BF:?/44%?/?
Progress: 29%
Location: Houston area
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I was thinking of this; as we've all seen threads here to that effect. I've been through it myself. I tell myself that this is not for vanity's sake and that not getting diabetes is the important part, but I still get great motivation from compliments. However, it helps tremendously to have the perspective gained from the threads where we learn the likely reasons no one says anything when they see us at our hard-earned new size.
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  #18   ^
Old Sat, Oct-22-16, 08:29
bluesinger's Avatar
bluesinger bluesinger is offline
Maintaining
Posts: 2,527
 
Plan: LCHF
Stats: 170/135/120 Female 62 inches
BF:22%
Progress: 70%
Location: Nevada Desert, USA
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MickiSue
I don't even remember where I read it, anymore, but I've always tried to remember this advice on giving compliments. Never compliment the item, or the clothes. Compliment how it looks on the person.

That way, you are really saying that, rather than the clothes making THEM look good, THEY make the clothes look good.

I thought it was such a good idea, that I decided it would be my goal forever!
I have a vivid memory from 1972, even down to the exact clothes I was wearing at the time: A man I didn't know who saw me with my new baby in the store made a comment about how wonderful I looked that day.

What we say matters. Always.
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  #19   ^
Old Sat, Oct-22-16, 11:50
inflammabl's Avatar
inflammabl inflammabl is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 1,770
 
Plan: Atkins
Stats: 296/220/205 Male 71 inches
BF:25%?
Progress: 84%
Location: Upstate South Carolina
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Regarding compliments, I find it very helpful to find out what the person likes about themselves and if I truly can find a way to like that too, tell them.

Last edited by inflammabl : Sat, Oct-22-16 at 11:55.
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  #20   ^
Old Mon, Oct-24-16, 08:51
Robin120's Avatar
Robin120 Robin120 is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 3,868
 
Plan: low carb
Stats: 171/125/145 Female 5'9
BF:
Progress: 177%
Location: DC
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MPrufrock
But in any case, when you ask someone if they have cancer there's a distinct possibility that someone will say yes. What will you do then? Why start a conversation that can easily have a horrible outcome?


I absolutely agree- especially because it isn't anyone's right to ask! I had a very severe nuerological condition 2 years ago that left me temporarily paralyzed, with double vision, excrutiating pain, dehabilitating fatigue.....i literally dropped 45 pounds in 3-4 months (and was at healthy weight to begin with).
Of course, my friends and family knew what was happening, but when people who don't know me well would see me (by then walking again), there were endless "concerns for my health."
I have a right to privacy. I didn't want to tell my life story 8 times a day, every time i left my house.
if you don't know me well to enough to know i would TELL you personally if i had cancer, i don't need you to ask. I mean if a healthy person drops 45 pounds in months, do you honestly think no one close to me would have said something if i had not been terribly ill????

*for record, i mean "you" as in general- certainly not you, OP!

generally speaking, i agree with commenters who feel others say things like this, because it is shocking to see someone (at a healthy weight!) when you always knew them as overweight/obese.... they likely worry you must be something very unhealthy to finally lose all that weight.....
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  #21   ^
Old Thu, Oct-27-16, 11:45
andante andante is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 177
 
Plan: Atkins 20
Stats: 237.6/150/155 Female 5'9"
BF:
Progress: 106%
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You know, it's possible to irritate someone or start an uncomfortable situation merely by asking how someone is.... True story: At a charity auction one person says to a distant acquaintance, "I haven't seen you in so long! What's been going on?" Person #2 "My baby just died."

I think a genuine compliment, well intended -- like "You are rocking that dress" or "You look great!" is never amiss. I am thinking of the person with cancer -- the one who responded to the "you look great, what have you been doing?" with "i'm dying of cancer" -- I think that is an exception.... like the person whose baby died, and wanted to bring it up no matter what the context.

Life DOES happen and I suppose there are risks in any interaction (perhaps why people talk about the weather so much!!!), but I don't think exceptions like those should over-ride our desire to give out well intended compliments. I love when people comment on my weight loss! (But I know a friend who was reluctant to do so because she worried that I was sick.) Sometimes, it's a rock and a hard place!

Of course the phony "concern for your health" (especially from mere acquaintances) is not welcome. Then again, I'm remembering a colleague who approached me some years ago -- someone I didn't know that well (and someone I don't like at all), and she went into a huge thing about my weight, and how she was concerned, and how I needed to get my act together and lose it for health and professional reasons. She said all of this nicely, with the right words, and with what sounded like genuine concern -- although it was totally inappropriate.

But the thing is -- and I realized it at the time -- she was absolutely right. Sometimes facing up to reality sucks.... For me, it was important to be told, you know, this isn't where you should be. And it is going to hurt you in the work you do. Not a message I wanted to hear.... but one I needed to hear. None the less, it still took years more for me to find this WOE and actually be successful in doing something about it.

These days, I only comment on the topic if there is an actual conversation going on about diet and health, but then I only talk about what I am doing -- not about what what anyone else "should" be doing.

As far as compliments -- I would never bring up someone else's weight, except to say they looked great. If they take offence at that, I'm afraid, so be it.
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  #22   ^
Old Thu, Oct-27-16, 13:44
Robin120's Avatar
Robin120 Robin120 is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 3,868
 
Plan: low carb
Stats: 171/125/145 Female 5'9
BF:
Progress: 177%
Location: DC
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Andante- I agree. In today's society, there is at least one person you are going to offend. I also think the vast majority of people appreciate a compliment that is genuine and take it at face value.
What i take great offense to is when a person who doesn't know you well, asks about your health (whether you are underweight or overweight- it is rude! and it is no one's business but your own).
For example, whether you were overweight or not, some colleague you barely know has no right to comment. it is not as if you didn't know you needed to lose weight....
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  #23   ^
Old Thu, Oct-27-16, 15:40
Ilikemice's Avatar
Ilikemice Ilikemice is offline
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Posts: 715
 
Plan: Paleo-ish general LC
Stats: 151/128/123 Female 64 in
BF:
Progress: 82%
Location: Middle Tennessee
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Agree also, andante.
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  #24   ^
Old Thu, Oct-27-16, 16:28
Charms09's Avatar
Charms09 Charms09 is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 786
 
Plan: ZC (started w/Atkins)
Stats: 164/132.8/124 Female 5x2"
BF:27%
Progress: 78%
Location: Virginia
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I thought most people are proud of themselves for loosing weight???
If someone came up to you after dropping 50+ pounds & said "Hey! You look great have you lost weight"? Wouldn't you be happy to answer with a resounding
"yes thank you 50 pounds"?

I know the bad remarks are meanness, stupidity and/or jealousy and totally uncalled for, but people are often all these things & a bag of chips, so wouldn't a snazzy comeback be good in these situtations?

Like...
"Hey didn't you know healthy is the new cool!"

"Thin & healthy doesn't run in my family, I had to chase after it!"

"You know rudeness doesn't bounce off me anymore & that was kinda harsh!"

Believe me I am not trying to be trivial about these things but I have always found that a quick wit trumps a stupid remark every day of the week!
And my heart goes out to everyone that has had their feelings hurt...
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  #25   ^
Old Thu, Oct-27-16, 16:52
dex's Avatar
dex dex is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 876
 
Plan: NSNG
Stats: 260/164/185 Female 64"
BF:
Progress: 128%
Location: Seattle
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Charms09
I thought most people are proud of themselves for loosing weight???
If someone came up to you after dropping 50+ pounds & said "Hey! You look great have you lost weight"? Wouldn't you be happy to answer with a resounding
"yes thank you 50 pounds"?


Um, no. And that was kind of the point of the thread. You have no idea what might have precipitated that weight loss, whether or not losing weight was a choice the person made, or what the condition of the person's "new" body happens to be and if they've just managed to mask a mess with clothing.

Saying to someone, "That dress looks great on you," or, "Wow. You really look great in that print," or, "What a great haircut. I love it!," are all compliments that place no value judgments on weight. Bringing up someone's weight when they haven't brought it up first is rude.

I've seen people lose tremendous amounts of weight because of the ravages of cancer and chemo -- people who started as obese, so didn't end up looking emaciated or even necessarily "sick" when out in public -- and then they have to endure being told how "healthy" they looked, or what "a great job" they'd done in losing weight. Exactly how do you think something like that would make them feel?

I went through a big involuntary weight loss recently myself. As a person who never had a problem with the way my body looked at any weight, and was already slightly uncomfortable at the size and weight I was at when the losses started, I was terrified and deeply unhappy over the state my body was left in. My close friends are very aware of that. People who haven't seen me in a while (I've spent the last two months either at home or in the hospital) could very well make some stupid comment about weight when I see them for the first time again.

The first time I hear a, "You've lost weight. How did you do that?," the person is going to get a completely deadpan, "I almost died," in return. And I won't give two sh*ts over how bad that might make them feel.
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  #26   ^
Old Thu, Oct-27-16, 17:23
inflammabl's Avatar
inflammabl inflammabl is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 1,770
 
Plan: Atkins
Stats: 296/220/205 Male 71 inches
BF:25%?
Progress: 84%
Location: Upstate South Carolina
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I love it when people ask about my weight loss. It shows concern and helps us share a common joy.
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  #27   ^
Old Thu, Oct-27-16, 17:25
Charms09's Avatar
Charms09 Charms09 is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 786
 
Plan: ZC (started w/Atkins)
Stats: 164/132.8/124 Female 5x2"
BF:27%
Progress: 78%
Location: Virginia
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Oh dex you are right...sorry 😕😕😕 & I am very sorry you have gone through all of that...
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  #28   ^
Old Sun, Oct-30-16, 21:08
andante andante is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 177
 
Plan: Atkins 20
Stats: 237.6/150/155 Female 5'9"
BF:
Progress: 106%
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See? You're going to hurt some people's feelings if you don't notice. And you are going to enrage others if you do. Rock and a hard place.

Just be genuine and kind, and maybe avoid asking questions unless invited? MOST of the time, that should do. People are all different. I had a dear friend who died of cancer, and she loved to be told how good she was looking.... I overheard her talking on the phone, repeating with delight a compliment I had given her.

So you just never know.

This convo has sensitized me to the fact that not all weight loss is a celebration, which is important since on these forums we are often celebrating our own and each other's losses. Lots of personal stuff can unwittingly be barged into on the subject of why someone loses weight or is changing their diet.
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  #29   ^
Old Tue, Apr-04-17, 22:45
scintillad scintillad is offline
Registered Member
Posts: 35
 
Plan: 20 carbs or less/ IF
Stats: 200/192/145 Female 5'5"
BF:
Progress: 15%
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I was martied to a person who only thought a woman was attractive if she was literally skin and bones. I was very thin when I married him but that was because I had been bulimic and anorexic for many years, an extremely unhealthy situation. But I looked good!! As I gained a bit of weight over the years I knew that he was no longer attracted to me since he made that clear. During marriage counseling after 26 years together, he tried the "I'm just concerned about your health" speech. Right in front of the counselor I said " Cut the bullshit. You wouldn"t care if I was dying of cancer if it meant I was thin". I realized our marriage had no future when he agreed that I was right. I am now in a relationship with a man who likes me whatever way I am. For the first time in my life.
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