Sadly, we all know she's overweight - its obvious!! But its the out of control eating that concerns me, the eating of 5 donuts that she knew werent for her and that was on top of meals and other snacks.

She's my daughter, I see her growing bigger by the week, I see her struggling to fit into clothes that were loose on her a few months ago. Its not a secret!

I rarely mention her weight these days as I dont want to make her feel any worse, altho she says she's happy with her size - altho is she and will she be in a few months time when she's even bigger. Thats what bothers me the most, where and when will it end?

Jo xxx

I am reading this thread with great interest, Jo. My daughter is 11 and a total carb junkie. I do my best to not ever give her a hard time about her weight or body, while encouraging her to eat whole food and avoid sugar. She has always been an active kid, and tall and still growing. But she is starting to thicken up and I can see that she is just like me in my teen years and will suffer from a lifelong weight problem if she doesn't figure this out early on. I recently bought her the book PALEO GIRL, but she is not interested in reading it. I try to give her good food choices here at home, but her dad is not on the same page and buys her candy and other junky stuff all the time. I know that she has to figure this out on her own, as we all do. Mostly, I want her to be healthy and not suffer from health issues as I do as a result of years of eating a poor diet. I think it's virtually impossible for a young girl to focus on health and not just the number on the scale. I will try to set the best example for my daughter and hope that at some point it will "click" for her. All my best for you and your daughter.

Carb craving is a nasty beast. I've been the guy who ate the missing donuts -- or the Halloween candy my wife had hidden in the closet -- or the last of the bread in the pantry. For people who don't have intense carb cravings, this seems like totally irrational behavior. All I can say is that when the carb monster wants fed, reason pretty much goes out the window.



The last thing I wanted to see was one of my kids going down the same road as me... a life-long struggle with hunger, weight loss, regaining weight, and eventually becoming the definition of morbidly obese and having all of the emotional baggage that comes along for the ride. One of my 3 kids clearly suffers from the same carb cravings as I do and I hope that she has learned something by what I've shared about my experience. But in the end, my daughter's life is her life. There is not much more I can do other than to make sure she knows I will always love her.

If I could go back and talk to my younger self about what I needed to do to gain the upper-hand on my weight problems, I doubt I would have listened. At best, I could have planted the seeds that would have helped me get to where I am now a little sooner.

Sounds like the poor child is wrestling with resentment and denial. I don't believe any teen, much less a female one, is "happy being overweight." She sees her father and brother NOT having to deal with these issues, and she sees her mother doing well... and she can't let MOM be right, obviously.

And this makes her unhappy, and the only thing that makes her happy is her drug of choice. And it's not even entirely her fault, because all around her are people who eat donuts and are slim. It's tough getting past that.

Accepting reality is a grown up skill that takes a lifetime to master. Give her some slack, some sympathy, and possibly, some counseling. Teens will listen to a total stranger much more easily than family.

Thinking back to my own weight issues as an early teen and struggles with parents and relatives about it. This is very subjective (and not mature thinking), just remembering my state of mind at the time: I don't think anyone could have told me anything that would have made me want to change. The more they chastised me or warned me or insulted me, the more I didn't care and didn't want to change anything, it really brought out the me vs. them feeling -- which was already exacerbated by growing weight gain and a sense of being an outcast/different from other people who could "magically" eat the same things I was but not be overweight.

But so much of it was about access to the foods that I binged on and couldn't help overeating. There were a lot of younger sibs in the house and tons of junky carb food and yet everyone was yelling at me to just stop it.

Yet when I went to my grandmother's house and just ate scrambled eggs, salad, and chicken soup, I was fine. I didn't walk three miles to the grocery store just to buy pastries.

My first major weight loss occurred when I went away to a summer camp (not a weight-loss camp) where not only were there fun physical things to do but also just three healthy meals a day, with plenty of plain food and few sweets and kitchen was closed when it wasn't mealtime.

So having the foods around and access to them was a key factor. Locking foods up or saying "these aren't for you" would be very provoking I'd think. Maybe the family could just quietly avoid bringing sugary/carby foods into the house and you could have plenty of meats, cheeses, etc. available when she's hungry. Because if she's anxious or on a hormonal roller-coaster she's probably going to want to eat, it may take a while for food to be less important to her. But she can start going for more protein/fat and if the other sugary foods aren't so accessible she may still sneak them but at least it won't be so tempting all around her.

I know now my weaknesses. Fortunately I can keep my household carb-free now, but if there was a pantry full of sugary/high-carb foods in the house I would think about them till I cracked, binged, and got very sick. Just creating a different food environment for her without calling attention to her weight or doing a lot of other intrusive things now might help a lot.

I'd suggest to husband that they should think about your daughter when it comes to this ritual. Maybe they should keep the donuts out of her sight, if they have to have them at all.

Jo, I notice from your stats that you once weighed considerably more. I'm sure your daughter has noticed your weight loss as well (and the fact that you regained and relost 20 or so). She knows who to ask when the time comes that she is ready to work on this problem.

Until then, just show her that you love her no matter what her weight. It's like an alcoholic needing to bottom out to find the reserves within to cure themselves. Trust that your daughter will find her way out of this when she is ready, but it may take some time. All the best to your family.

Hi Jo, I saw your before and after photos and WOW! You look amazing!! That little pink 2 iece swimsuit, hot hot HOT!!!

I was overweight as a teenage girl; my choice of food was cereal. Every day after school. A big bowl of it. I had self esteem issues and food made me happy. My mom was also a great cook, and nothing was as great as leftovers the next day for a snack! Not blaming my mom, but wow, I truly LOVE food!!!

It took me 39 years to get a grip. I lost 68 lbs and then let myself go again. Emotional issues. Now I'm 45 and at it again--losing weight, that is.

I hope one day your daughter will realize that if her mom can do it, she can too! I wish I could go back into my 20's and lose the weight before I got bigger and bigger. Now I'm losing it again, and what do I have? A TON of saggy skin! And sagging boobs! I swear they are a foot long!

I tell myself a lot, "If only I'd realized long ago..."
You know? I mean, I KNEW I was fat, and I heard the stories from older women (My boobs sag, my butt sags, my stomach sags!) and I laughed it off, the usual 'woe is me adult talk!' hahaha. Well, it all turned out to be true.

Sorry I don't have any advice on how to make your daughter start on a better track. Just saying I've been there before myself. You have to get to the root of the problem making her eat. And like they say, she won't start to lose weight unless SHE WANTS TO. It's got to come from within. But I know you already know that. You look amazing!!!!!!!!! Hang in there! I'm not a mom, so I have no clue, but I know the other women and fathers here will continue to provide you with good advice and tips. :-)

This is wonderful advice, and I do respect it. Yet something is nagging at my mind: I think with young people/teens that they may not always get to this point of self-realization, they just may lack the maturity. Meanwhile I know from experience that some emotional patterns can set in while they experience difficulties with their weight, such as self-hatred, feeling inferior, getting crap from kids at school or rejection when dating, etc. Of course it would be SO MUCH BETTER if the problem would just resolve itself and they wouldn't have to go through painful experiences, but it just doesn't always work out that way.

When I was a preteen, I wish my mom would have been firmer in not having so many carby foods and desserts in the house and offered other things instead. She was too busy and harassed with a big family and career to do more than just sometimes tell me not to eat so much. But she just let me go on with the bad habits and though I may have resented it at the time, I would have been better off if there was more attention to making sure I had access to foods that were better for me.

I guess I'm saying that for younger people modifying the behavior and helping them to not have so much access at home to foods that aren't good for them can be very useful -- of course without criticizing them or making them feel bad about their body size. Because it's not their fault that their metabolism is different and needs some special care. And yet there are big problems ahead if they aren't guided into new ways of doing things.

Hi Jo,

Agree with most of the other posters. Having had my parents taunt me about my weight for as long as I can remember and then later having the gym membership, watching me run the track and putting me on a scale weekly... I can only tell you these two things:
1. When you raise your child to ultimately be a good adult (I know she isn't technically an adult yet, but the lessons were still taught) do not be suprised when she is headstrong, stubborn and then wants to exercise her "adult" attitudes. My guess is you might not have been all that different at her age?
2. Though she is your daughter, you cannot help someone who does not want to be helped.

You can't control how she lives her life. You can only offer support and guidance as she's willing to take it from you. As others have said and I agree... I would not do anything to damage your relationship with her because she is then even less likely to accept support or guidance in the future.

Sorry it is such a difficult time you're going through as a family.

My suggestion was not to talk to the kid's friends about her weight, heaven forbid! My intention was that if Jo had a good relationship with one of her daughter's friends she might be able to ask casually if anything was going on that might be worrying her daughter. Every teenager knows that their friends' mums are worriers so it shouldn't come off as a big deal, and it might give Jo a little helpful information about her daughter's life outside the home.

I don't know what to do about a no donuts in the house rule. On one hand she'll have fewer opportunities to mess up. On the other she does have to make her own choices and learn the difference between good choices and bad choices. That's a fine line as a parent. I've tried both sides and had success and failures. I don't think there is an always right answer.

I do think that it's best they don't get so fed up with us they vote us off their island. So..... I try to only offer my opinion to my two older children when it's asked. I try but I'm rarely successful.

I'm quite tempted to show her this page and the responses, altho I dont want her to know I'm discussing her behind her back with strangers!? But there are some wonderful insights here.

I really dont have enough "control" over the type of food others bring into the house; I personally dont buy bad carbs, I wont even buy bread, - my husband does and my daughter can and does do at least half a loaf a day. I cook meals that are as unprocessed and uncarby as possible.

We had another "do" last night, a left over takeaway pizza disappeared from the fridge. She has a problem and the rest of the family are actually getting annoyed with her and this is causing some "heated" discussions - Its hard to stop siblings arguing, and my son doesnt hold back with name calling when someone takes his food.

Kids eh!!!!!

Thank you for your input, its invaluable

Jo xxx

My heart is breaking for your daughter. Seriously, she is crying out for help. She is very hurt and angry and stealing other people's food is her way of screaming help!

Addiction is addiction. The only difference with a food addict is that we wear the results for the world to see. Cigarette addiction? Diet soda addiction at 2 x 2 liters daily? Its all still addiction. Addiction runs in families. Didn't you say that your father was an alcoholic?

Jo,
How did you feel when you hear your son calling your daughter names? Did he say things that you thought and wanted to say?

She's obviously not in a good place right now. She knows what she's doing isn't good for her. Unfortunately something is driving her that has nothing to do with food. Maybe she's only a happy when she's eating and not a second before that nor a second after. Sounds like she needs some unconditional love even if it comes from Mom (which doesn't really count because mom has to love but it is better than nothing).