I posted about this in my journal, but now I'm reaching out to the community for a little perspective and potentially support.

In the past few months I have had several people say things that indicate that either they see me inaccurately or I am fooling myself. Some examples:

While shopping online a female relative asked me; "You're a size 20, right? I mean, on top. I know you're bigger on the bottom." (I was wearing size 14 jeans that day)

Another female relative offered me two pairs of pants, one in a 14-16 and one in size 18. I thought they were going to be too big (they were) but when I said that she laughed and said that truly, she was afraid they were too small.

Same female relative very recently commented that the reason I can't find a swimsuit I like is because I'm still too big. (I really do love and admire this woman in pretty much every way except for this sort of thing)

Yet ANOTHER female relative (this one pretty close to my size/weight/height) asked what size I wear. At the time I was wearing a 12. She gasped in true shock and said; "Those are 12's! I would have sworn they were AT LEAST a 14!"

Last night my Mother-In-Law (great woman, I adore her) and I were discussing how ridiculous it is that the medical profession tries to blame every malady you have, from stubbed toes to depression, on your weight when you are heavy. She told me that since she had lost some weight (about 40 pounds) that she hasn't had that problem. When I complained that I still get that sort of thing all the time she looked me up and down and said "Well, that's because you're..." and then cut herself off really quickly and left the room.

This is killing my image of myself. I cannot look into the mirror and see a slender woman emerging while I am constantly reminded by people that they still see me as "big" (or morbidly obese, in the one case, since I was that while size 20 and up).

My husband doesn't know what to say. He was there when all of these things happened, and while he might roll his eyes about it, he does nothing to combat it. When I try to talk about it with him he just keeps quiet, and his silence hurts too.

A male relative that I am very close to thinks this is all funny. However, he himself pegged me two sizes too big and then justified it by saying that my hips are much bigger than my waist. What? I thought that was a good thing...

I don't really know what kind of help I am looking for here. I am not fishing for compliments. I am genuinely confused and hurt. It is difficult enough for a person losing a substantial amount of weight to view themselves clearly as they change, but it is so much harder when you are treated to barbed comments as opposed to compliments. It has gotten to the point where I have no idea what I look like or what image I am presenting of myself. I may feel great one day in my size medium shirt and size 10-12 pants, but the moment someone seems to think that I am still too "big" to find clothes in regular retail stores my self-confidence crumbles. And it seems like everyone around me has that impression.

Sorry for the long post. Thank you for reading.

Keep in mind that clothing sizes, at least in the US, are not consistent. You can get three pairs of jeans in size 12 from three different manufacturers, and I can guarantee that like the Three Bears' chairs one pair will be too big, one pair will be too small and the third will be "just right."

As far as your relatives' comments, if you've been heavy for a while it's tough to connect how you are now to how they're used to seeing you. I have a cousin who had gastric bypass surgery a couple of years ago. She's lost a tremendous amount of weight, but there's a part of me that still sees her as heavy (it doesn't help that like most GB patients I've met she looks like a deflated human-shaped balloon and VERY unhealthy). However, I'd never dream about asking her how much she weighs or what size she wears. None of my business.

Hi,
First of all, good job on all your loss to date!
As for how other women view your body and the things they say about it.....this is a tough one and I'll share my experience wit you. Our stats are close so I feel that I have an idea for you.
In looking at your gallery pics, you have an hourglass shaped body. Tiny waist, big boobs and round hips...yes? Women will always feel in competition with you becasue of the shape of it. Please try to not take their words to heart and keep in mind that jealousy is a factor.

Also, at your weight, I too felt thin! I was also wearing 12-14s. But the last 30 lbs I lost made a huge difference in my appearance and I really slimmed down a lot to a solid size 10. My face also got much thinner, almost too thin for my age now.

My advice....don't listen to what other women say to you about your body. Lose the last 30 lbs and have confidence that you have a body like Sophia Vergara!...because you do!!

It’s unfortunate that people don’t evaluate the impact their comment can make on another person. And unfortunately people sometimes feel the path to making themselves feel good or superior is to put down someone else. Whatever the motive, you need to support yourself by chalking the comments up to ignorance, spite or jealousy and remember just how much you have accomplished. All the support in the world won’t work unless you are confident in yourself and with that confidence comes the ability to shrug off negativity.
Just my thoughts

Just keep doing what you're doing and one day those same people will suddenly start saying "Oh my, you look so thin, are you ill??" and "You're too thin now"!!!! Ignore them, some people just dont do compliments - been there lol!!!

Jo xxx

You have a great figure. Slow down... curves ahead!

You're not a thin, skinny stick, you look like a woman. If your relatives can't see the difference then... well, to be blunt, they're idiots.

Everything I wanted to say was summed up by everyone else..

Be PROUD of what you've achieved! I know its easy to say but remember you are doing this for a better YOU (and not them)

I would also like to add, and I'm sorry if this comes across too strong, but those women you quoted are TERRIBLY rude. I wouldn't stand for comments like that, although I understand they are relatives, I just don't get how they can get away with being so damn mean.

Like Judy said - I bet they are hugely jealous of you for SUCCEEDING - don't give up full steam ahead!!!

Congrats on your progress!

I ditto what's been posted above. Also, keep in mind that people do not know what various sizes actually look like. Here's an idea:

Do you still have any of your larger-sized clothes? Pants work the best for this I think. Take the pants and trace the outline onto a wall or piece of poster board. Then trace the outline of your body onto another piece of poster board. Compare the two (really effective is to cutout the new you and place it over the old you). Use this as an objective visual reaffirmation of what you have accomplished. If you want to, show it to others when they are unsupportive.

One of my favorite quotes by Eleanor Roosevelt:

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

I have to remind myself of this many, many times

I echo what everyone said too. Also, it takes a long, long time for people to re-write their image of someone they've known as one way. our social stories are so slow to change.

After you have been thin for as long as you were heavy, then the old perception has to fade away.

Can you think of someone who made a big change in some other problem area that's looked down on - and how long people took to quit thinking of that person as "a drinker," "disorganized," '"drama puppy," "mean," "a user," "wasteful," "serial divorcer," etc etc etc.

Blah blah blah and gak. Let them think whatever, and they can have it, being so slow on the uptake. meanwhile perhaps you can be spending time with people in your life who are not like that. Just to get relief from the messages.

The difference between your before and in-progress pictures is, well, startling. You have a great body now, you don't look like the same person, and your relatives are not blind so therefore they must be jealous a-holes. Sorry, but I feel kind of angry about what they're saying to you. For heaven's sake don't let people as unworthy as this derail you. You're in the home straight, almost there. I agree with Judy that another 30lbs will make a sudden tremendous difference and at that point nobody will be able to make you question what you will see with your own eyes: a very slim, shapely woman. Ojoj is absolutely right: these same relatives will then tell you that you are too thin and look ill. Put your hands on your slim, sexy hips, throw your head back, and laugh right in their faces!

Ok, I looked at your pics, too...you look really pretty and I'd kill to have an hourglass shape!!

Honestly, some women just have to get in a dig. I don't know what makes that happen, but I have been the recipient of similar comments. Even though I know I am not "that" bad, it still hurts.

Like visiting an aunt with my 8 week old son, and she comments on how I am still looking pretty fat. I was already at my pre-pregnancy weight!! Or when he was a week old, another aunt visited...I commented it was so much easier to get around with a flat stomach again, and she said, "I wouldn't call that flat". I mean, really?

My mother is 82 and will still say "You look like you are gaining weight" when I visit her. Even if I have been losing.

You have to let it roll off your back. Keep working on what YOU want and assume they will make mean comments...then forget about it.

Maybe someone else will have better advice. That is what I do and it seems to work well enough.

You are trying to establish how you "should" feel about yourself, yes?

"One should base one's self-esteem on one's own self-image." That is a pat answer, and it doesn't sound, to me, to be the one you need, or even a correct one. I say not correct because it smacks of wanting to deal with reality as it "ought" to be, instead of as it actually is.

How it actually is is that we want to look good BOTH because WE think we look good, and ALSO because we look good to others.

You are not, at this time, going to get what you want. Either they GENUINELY don't think you look good, or they DO think you look good, but for whatever reason personal to THEM, they are still going to make disparaging comments.

At this point, you are going to have to reconcile both desires, the one to personally feel that you look good, and the one to get positive feedback about how you look from others. Neither is easy.

If after an honest assessment of how you look you decide for yourself that you look good, you are just going to have to decide for yourself what you want to do about the negative feedback you're getting.

But honestly I think you just need to stand up to these INCREDIBLY RUDE people. I don't care if you weigh 1200 lbs and look like a sperm whale wearing a rubber band and a napkin, these people are IGNORANT AND RUDE, and you need to stand up for yourself!;

"Why do you think it's okay to express that YOU think there's something wrong with MY weight?"

Or

"Don't you think what you just said was rude?"

Or

"How do you think what you just said makes me feel?"

But personally, these people are not giving a crap how you feel, so I would go with either;

"Screw you."

Or

"Suck it."

Thank you all for the replies! Some great wisdom and ideas here.

I can't help but wonder...there were some comments that I should just go ahead and "lose those last 30 pounds". I set my goal weight at less than 20 pounds from where I am now. I know that is not a "healthy" BMI, but that's okay. Was there some other reason that folks seem to think I need to lose more?

Thank you again!

I think the other poster was just comparing your stats to hers, both 5'7", and she mentioned that when she was your size, SHE went on to lose 30 more pounds, probably not realizing that your goal wasn't the same as hers.

I too am 5'7". I weighed 135 at my wedding. 20 years and some kids later, I cannot get below 145. I do get compliments at 145, but not any sooner, no one even notices that I'm trying until I hit 145!

Currently I am over 160 and am in a size 12, so it did surprise me a little that you are that size, too. HOWEVER, when I look at your photo, you have a very different body than mine. Your waist is so small! My stomach is my problem and I would look pregnant in the same clothing even though I weigh less than you. You look great now and will look even better when you meet your goal, but if you reach your goal and still want to lose more I suggest that you base your new goal weight on a healthy body fat percentage, between 25-30% and not on what people think you should weigh. That way you can be confident that you not only look good, but that you are very healthy, too.

And yes, they are all rude and deserve sarcasm in return. I imagine that most of them knew you at a heavier weight and are extremely jealous that you look so good and are making it look so easy. You know how people hate to admit that Atkins works!

Congratulations on your amazing progress! You inspire me.