vivmom - I don't think creating your own lent sounds crazy one bit! More power to you!! I wish I could do things in moderation but find that I'm an all or nothing kind of gal and think total abstenence (spelling?) is the best bet for a lot of people. Hang tough!

mainecyn - I'm glad that you've shared your feeling here. I don't know that anyone can help you..I've been in your shoes before. And really, you are the only one to make the decision to binge or not. Maybe you could try starting journal to talk about what is going on? I know that when I feel emotional that's when I want to binge the most. And I can almost never talk myself out of (don't want to!). But when I do..I feel so powerful the next day! No matter what you decide, let's just take this one day...one hour...one minute at a time.

Always when I am alone. Rarely around others. I'll eat ok around my husband and son when they are awake or before they go to work, then when they are gone, the consumption of food ensues. I've felt like I was "chopping at the bit" waiting for my husband to go to bed so I could grab things to eat. I hated eating food in front of them, it was too obvious what I was doing, and I couldn't stand the thought of the look they might have on their face or if they said anything despairing about by bad habit.

Emotion wise: it was usually when I was feeling bad. I hate conflict, so if someone was angry, I'd feel uncomfortable. I'd never ask someone why they were upset, I'd just internalize it an think it must have something to do with me. They might have just had a bad day, but I'd make light of it, say something funny or change the subject and avoid them for a couple of days.

I feel fragile inside most of the time, so I am desperate to protect myself. I am scared of strong emotions in other people. I am sponge-like emotion wise, I pick up emotions from other people and make them my own somehow. It is uncomfortable and awkward way to live. I feel I melt a little at the "edges" of myself and take on what is around me. I have worn ear plugs and headphones to try to "separate" myself from my surroundings before. To reel myself back in. It has helped a little, made me a little more calm, but I only use that if I am desperate to "center myself".

Pretty weird, right? I am not sure where the food had fit into this, but it does somehow. It was a component in my trying to define where I, as a person began, and others ended.

Ruby itsthe same for me. There are times I want to push them away, get them somewhere else so I can eat. Its an obvious addiction, one that is rarely spoke about because no one understands. While I'm not saying its ok to be an alcoholic or


drug addict, when they have issues and seek treatment people really make the connection, understand its an addiction. Food on the other hand, well we are told just to eat less.

I made it thru yesterday, toughest day this week. I ate more than normal, a lot more, but didn't binge. People who don't binge don't seem to understand the difference between eating a little more than normal, and a real binge. Besides the enormous amounts of food eaten, I have a physical and emotional shift in feelings when binging. Sometimes a high, other times depression. There were none of those feelings yesterday.

Days clean 6

There's a connection between binging and self punishment. I tend to think when I overeat I'm being defiant and rebellious (which I am) but it's also punishment in the long run. Because I regret it later, and that specter of shame hangs around. It's a bit of a maze to find the way out, but there are always clues, and every experience (even really lousy ones) is a marker on the right path. I also think it's very common for women -- mothers, wives, daughters, nurturers all -- to find the lines blurring between where they end and others begin. Finding that line of separation takes a lifetime. There's no rush. I think sometimes I get caught up and discouraged thinking there's a rush, hurry hurry hurry. It's nice to know that just slowing down is an option; the world won't end. Every day is a new day, a chance to walk a little further down the right road -- the road where we are kind to ourselves and lavish with forgiveness toward ourselves and others. That's ultimately what's going to move us along.

Thanks for all the great comments/information/strength!

I think it also has a "needful" aspect to it. The privacy and seclusion surrounding the binge episodes "pulls" you from others. I could say the shame of it creates this need, but maybe the act is a expression of a desire for isolation. Also a desire for self-comfort. I usually feel sedated after a binge also my mind's "chatter" is reduced. A guilty calmness surrounds me.

Hi everyone, I read this thread out of curiosity and just have a few questions. I hope none of don't mind. I have 3 daughters and I tend to read all that I can about all kinds of problems. I guess mostly just so that if they do have future problems I'm hoping I can recognize it, even if they try to hide it, so that I can try to help them. I know I may not be able to prevent it or cure the problem but I'm paranoid about missing any signs and them having to go through anything horrible alone. (Oh, the joys of being a mom.)

I know when I give into strong sugar cravings it's so hard to say no and I eat way too much, but I've never binged in the sense of an eating disorder kind of way. I know from other issues I've had that unless it's something you've went through yourself, you'll never really know what it's like.

Do you know when you started binge eating? Or why? Has anyone ever caught on? If they did, how did they find out? As a parent, what should I look for? And if you saw a problem with your kids how would you aproach it? Would you talk to them first and then seek outside help? Or would it be best to talk to a professional first so you'd have a better knowledge of how to deal with it from the start? How would you approach raissing children so that they don't (or are less likely to) end up with food issues?

I don't need all the answers or details that you don't want to share. I'm sure I'll look stuff up on the internet when I have time, but I'm just curious and always find that real opinions from real people are so much better than simply getting facts from articles with no emotions.

Thanks and good luck!

Ok, Amanda, here it goes:

Well, I am sure the story is different for everyone else. I didn't start with binge eating.
In my teen years: I started with heavy food restrictions, low fat and exercising every free second I had. I would often have a meal that was just lettuce with soy sauce on it. I took track and exercised at home when I wasn't at school, usually to extremes. My mom mentioned that she felt sad that I needed to do those kinds of things, she knew I'd stay up late doing sit ups and what-not. I weighed daily, nothing was ever enough.

In my early 20's I was able to start buying diet pills, the "good ones". I'd live off of broth, diet pills and black coffee. I moved on to binge/purge when I couldn't stave myself anymore. That went on for a few years.

If I was to eat now until the point of pain, I would still feel a need to purge, almost driven to it. I have certain "trigger foods" I can't be left alone with. I think my last b/p was 2 Halloweens ago. I had made it 5 years before that without b/p. I made myself tell my husband when it had happened, that is part of my recovery. No secrets. Eating disorders thrive in the dark, push you to be silent, and demand a lot of attention. Your entire self worth is the scale. Health is never the priority-just get the numbers however you can. It becomes an obsession.

I hate to say it, but no one could have talked me out of my patterns. I had to pull myself out. I still fight my demons. I still have to face the fact that I can't do what I use to do to get thin. My body has been too abused for too long. I have a friend I talk to when I am tempted to go back to my old ways.

In my mind, my old eating disorders tell me these things: I find that I am fascinated by the idea of fasting. I have read about it an it is like a itch that wants to be scratched. I imagine the self esteem I'd have by eating nothing for stretches of time, that in itself would prove that I am strong, and nobler somehow. I'd just drink water, then I'd be cleaner and lighter. Food can seem so dirty, right? The enemy. I need to be strong, perfect, better. Food holds me back, makes me ugly and sad. The only way I could imagine being happy, is if I never had to eat. Every time I eat, I feel like I am weak. I should have been able to go longer and eat less. Every meal is a chance to hate myself.

How do you talk someone out of self-loathing? How do you talk someone out of the self-abuse of an eating disorder? Especially when the eating disorder is telling them they can only have self worth by keeping the disorder going? I learned to keep it secret because my mom had noticed. I felt shame that I hadn't conceal it better. I cringed at being judged. If the doctor asked me any questions about it, I'd lie. I got good at hiding things.

So that brings me to now. No secrets. No lying. No scale. I has to be about health, not self punishment. If I feel something I want to do might be in a grey area, I run it by my husband and my best friend. I tell them what my fears about it are and get their advice. If something is really good for my health then I shouldn't be afraid to get their input on it. If I am afraid of what they might say, then it probably a bad idea.

That is how it was and is for me. Like I had mentioned, I'm sure other people would have a completely different story. The eating disorder didn't start overnight, it evolved and changed over time. I can get better, but I'll never be completely free of it. It waits for an opportunity to come back. Always there, always waiting. If I let myself think about it too much, I'd cry. It is hard to feel that your biggest and worst enemy is inside your own head.

A little heavy of a post, so here is a picture of a baby bunny:

mainecyn - Congratulations to you for not giving in! One day at a time! I think the longer we are away from feeding our sickness, the stronger we become. Good for you!!!

RubySpider - I also hate conflict. I get sick to my stomach if I ever stick up for myself or disagree with anyone. I'm starting to learn that this comes from my childhood. My parents argued a lot and I watched my mom get hurt (not physically) but emotionally because of these verbal assaults. It is a lot of work to gather the courage to stand my ground and/or refuse to be around people that are toxic. This kind of uncomfortable feeling always makes me rush to food or alcohol. But it's not the only feeling that does this...they're are several. Instead of just ripping the food and alcohol away I have been working on healthy replacements. All of these feelings Sad/scared/angry/unsure...they all make us feel like we are missing a sense of security, in a sense something in us is missing at that time. And we feel a strong desire to FILL that whole. *Disclaimer - when I say "we" I am only talking in common terms..I do not intend to tell anyone else what they feel.

vivmom- You really seem to be onto something here. Thank you for the reminder that there is no rush! Each and every one of us here is already on the road to recovery! This is a positive thing in all aspects. And I agree with the need to punish. Sometimes deep down I think I might feel I don't deserve to overcome this demon!! And it is a strong demon that has been in charge for many years of my life. We all deserve peace, happiness and FREEDOM. I know that these feelings will not come from food. So I will keep searching for sources inside and out to replace this destructive behavior.


Wishing all of us a healthy and happy weekend! Keep up the good fight!!

RubySpider - I posted my above response before seeing your latest post. I don't even know you but wish I could give you a huge hug! And I'm not the type! LOL! I think it so awesome that you can be so open.

I have no idea how to combat the committee in your head. I wish I did because I would do the same for myself.

I love that you are open with your husband and your friend. Yup sickness is only as strong as the secret. Keep reaching out to your friends.

Thanks for sharing this! Honestly...I appreicate it!

Your right. My childhood was the same. I don't think I'd even bring it up except you had. Dad had a very stressful job. He was angry a lot. My aunt had told me I learned to calm him down at a very early age. I'd pat his arm and try to make him feel better (I was 3 at the time). I remember feeling that was my job- to distract dad from his bad day. It was a helpless kind of feeling. I could only do so much. Thinking about it makes me feel small, alone and scared. I couldn't really change anything. Mom couldn't help, we just waited for the storm to pass. Arguments were often at the dinner table. I remember, as a child, eating soup and crying into it because the yelling scared me. The first time my husband yelled at our dinner table, we didn't have dinner in the kitchen for years. I refused to live that way as an adult. I couldn't bear to see my son upset while trying to eat dinner because his dad "had a bad day".
To this day, I still can't stand loud noises. I am easily "spooked". I never trust people until I have seen them at their best and their worst. I can't watch tv shows where people yell at each other, I get "ants in the pants" and can't sit still. I usually leave the room. Unfortunately, my husband loves these kind of shows. I can't watch them with him.
My mom and dad have both passed away. I don't feel negative about them, I loved my parents dearly. I miss them. My childhood wasn't all bad, I think I had a pretty good childhood. Just some of the bad times "stuck" with me.

Wow...you and are on the same page!! Both of my parents are gone too and I miss them so dearly. Especially my mom, she just died a year ago and we had a very close relationship. They did the best they could with the tools they had...it's just those scary things stick with you! I think talking about it is very healthy.

I am not of the religious persuasion but a bible passage came to mind (Job 12:22) He reveals the deep things of darkness and brings deep shadows into the light.
Barnes notes on this was "The deepest darkness, the obscurest night, are represented by it; and the idea is, that even from the most dark and impenetrable regions God could bring out light and truth."

In my nonreligious way, I see this as the negativity in me loses power if I bring it out into the open. I take away it's power and reveal it for what it is. Some battles can't be fought alone in the darkness. They need to be brought out into the light of day, with your loved ones standing beside you.

Indeed! :-)

The posts by ruby and blackstone are so good and honest. Thank you. I relate to tension in the house growing up. I was the youngest and around for a lot of the fighting between my folks after my sisters had left home. Both of my parents came from very repressive, mucked-up households (if you get my drift) and they brought the baggage to their marriage, just like the rest of us. I lost them on the exact same day, one year apart! Mom June 17, 2008, Dad June 17, 2009. I miss them so very much. Anyway, I appreciate what you've written and relate to a lot of it. I don't feel qualified to speak much about binge eating, as I'm probably using the term incorrectly. I just eat carelessly and to excess and it always seems to come from a feeling of defiance (later much regret) -- and as I was often a peacekeeper at home, I grew up with this fierce idea that nobody was every going to take advantage of me, and my house would never be that way! So I took it in the other direction -- too abrasive in my relationships, for sure. We do all deserve peace and freedom; we're working on it! And I love the picture of the bunny!!

Hi Vivmom - So sorry to hear about your parents. That is just so very sad.

And I see a pattern here about childhood stuff! Someone once told me that maybe I ate because it was something I had control over. And I craved control in a very chaotic world.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend planned. Stay healthy and happy!