Gee, this sounds familiar!

My DD (who is now 13) used to have the exact same problem with table manners, lol. We solved it by tackling one issue at a time-first the open-mouthed chewing (gross!), then the clacking silverware, and so on. Every time she got something right, we would reward her; when she finally made it through a meal with no serious flubs, we took her to a friend's Chinese resturant after hours and let her have full run of the place, lol.

I don't recommend rewarding your daughter with food-it sounds like that might be a bad idea-but maybe something like a small toy or trip to the park would work? You have to get your husband on board, though. Tell him that bad manners will hold her back socially and professionally for the rest of her life or something. If you can't get him to help, set aside time when he's not around to teach her. He may be one of those guys who sees good manners as a form of snobbery or something, lol.

Good luck!

Hi there,

I agree with all the other posts about it being perfectly OK to teach your daughter table manners and that you and your DH need to be - as a friend of mine says - "singing from the same hymn sheet", most of the time, at least.

My DH and me did so with our kids and they know how to eat properly, keeping their mouths closed whilst chewing etc, but, for some dang teenagery reason, my eldest daughter, now 14, has suddenly decided to start doing this again!!!

A few days ago, she was telling me something, chewing her food and talking simultaneously!!! Jeez!!! I really bawled her out and said I wasn't going to listen to her - besides the fact that I really couldn't understand her anyway - if she chewed and talked at the same time and told her it was totally gross.

As for the thing about mums being controlling about food and so on, and how this can lead to eating disorders later, well, I have mixed feelings about that.

I have been following this LC thing since May 2007, before that I lost weight which I suddenly gained after giving up smoking by following a milder version of the "Eat to Live" diet (the book by Dr Joel Fuhrman), which was basically almost a vegan diet.

I now try to be fairly relaxed about what my girls eat. We don't have junk in the house, but I do buy a frozen pizza once in a blue moon. There is never Coke in the house, apart from exceptions like birthday parties. I try to encourage them to eat healthily but I generally say to them that they should listen to what their body tells them - so long as their bodies are not telling them to eat chocolate 24/7!!! - and eat accordingly.

This seems to be working fine with my 10 year old, but my 14 year old is a different matter!!!

She seems to have decided she has an eating disorder.

Am I to blame because I have dieted on and off over the last few years? Should I have not dieted??? Would that have done my daughter more good? If I had let myself stay fat?

I am health-conscious and the whole family rib me gently for it: I am known as "The Vitamin Witch" by my DH!!!

I have never hassled my daughter about her weight - she has a lovely figure and I have no need to - and, as I have said, I try to be relaxed about food. She has had one or two episodes of raiding the chocolate stashes, which come about due to our neighbours giving our kids loads of chocolate at Christmas or Easter.

The thing is, I feel that mums are in a total no-win/no-win situation: If you do nothing about your health or weight, you'll be castigated for not caring about health matters and setting a bad example; If, however, you do try to take care of yourself, you'll lose out because at some point, your kid might say, "Oh, yeah, my mum was like totally obsessed with food and dieting and health" and again, you lose again...

So, what is a mum to do???

I, for one, am going to carry on looking after myself as best I can, and shall continue to try and look after my family as best I can.

But these kids don't always make it easy, especially when they get to their teens!!!

We now have the added complication in our house that, not only do I have to make my food gluten-free and avoid contamination, my 14yo announced a couple of weeks ago that she now wants to be vegetarian!!!

I decided not to throw a complete fit over this (although I wasn't super happy, to be absolutely honest...) and said, "Fine, I can cook vegetarian, too", but make sure you supplement with iron and B12 if you want to stick to this.

Just needed to vent there a bit, hope I haven't said anything offensive...

amanda

I can understand what you mean. Coming from a daughter's perspective, I love, love LOVE the manners I was taught. I'm 24 and I still see some of my friends grip a fork with their whole hand when they're cutting a piece of meat. Things like that bug me, and they bug other people too. It simply looks uncivilized.

I love my mom but I do wish she wasn't so vocal about her diet. I can remember years of her going to weight watchers meetings and talking on the phone with her friends about weight, and I think it played a big part in how I act now.

I'll never forget the moment that made me so self-aware when it came to my body. My mom was conservative raising me and she didn't want me wearing a bikini as a child. She kept me in one-pieces until I was about 12 or 13. We got into a fight in 5th grade because she wouldn't let me wear a 2 piece. I kept nagging her about it, so to shut me up, she said "kids can be cruel" and so I dropped the issue because I never realized it could be MY OWN FAULT that I wasn't wearing a 2 piece like the other girls, because I was fat and they would make fun of me. Of course I grew up an athlete and I was very lean but I felt fat anyway. She only made the comment to shut me up, but again it still effects me when I think about it to this day.

I agree! I have a boss who is in his 50's and has such terrible table manners that I can't be around him during company lunch/dinner functions. Everone at our company makes fun of him for this. I don't understand how his wife can deal with this.

My DH and his family (whole family) are terrible at the table. It finds it's way down into the children as well.
My Son will not chew with his mouth open, I also had to teach DSS that it is not acceptable to burp out loud, chew with her mouth open, talk with food in her mouth, or fart at the table...yes I said fart. She did this one day (she was 12) I made her get up and go sit in the living room until everyone was finished eating. She then was allowed to come back in and finish eating with no one around her. I explained to her if she kept up being rude at the table no one would want to sit with her, including friends.
It's not so much to ask your kids to be polite, not only in front of you but others b/c it creates a habit for socially acceptable behavour.
I have to remind DH sometimes his food isn't going to walk off his plate, so he has time.
I have always said you live what you learn.

There is no excuse for a 6 year old to not have nearly impeccable table manners. At that age, they can use a knife and a fork without stabbing their own hand. They can chew fully and swallow, sit quietly and act like human beings at a table.

Your husband needs to back off, but, perhaps, you need to tone down the correction intensity as I did. My second DD (also 6) has a HORRIBLE problem with making noises while she swallows. I come down hard on her every time, because the noises are nauseating. But what I thought was a good response, my husband considered over the top. We finally decided on a course of action so there's no static between us.

As far as rushing, letting them know there IS MORE helps. Do you keep the food on plates at the table? Being able to see the potential for a second helping seems to tone down the gulping...

ETA: I just re-read this and it reads way ruder than I intended. Please don't take it that way.

Good grief, do you live in my house! I have the same problem. Now I am coming from a background of an eating disorder so I do have to watch myself as eating with others is a problem. But as other posters have said, it's the right thing to do to teach table manners. I try to limit myself to correcting one thing at a time (per mealtime) so they don't feel picked on. And trying to phrase it in a postive way. Like instead of "ugh, when you chew with your mouth open it makes me nauseous" saying things like "I'd love to hear what you have to say when you've finished your mouthfull and I can understand you properly". I find for me it helps sometimes if I give them their dinner and sit with them, then eat mine afterwards. That way I am able to address any lapses in manners calmly and eat without my stomach churning. With three kids learning civilised behavior on bad days mealtimes are not pretty!

I'm trying to give my kids fat and protein rich foods at set times during the day (3 meals and 2 snacks) to cut down on the whining. They were constantly pestering for food all day but it is getting better. My 4 year old was especially bad for snacking on fruit all day, not eating his meals and then whining about being hungry half an hour later. Sigh.

I agree with working on one issue with table manners at a time. My children learned to chew with their mouths closed when my ex and I had a night when we chewed with our mouths open and spoke with our mouths full. They thought it was gross and improved radically. We ate spaghetti with our fingers another night. Nothing like a demonstration followed up with a lot of positive reinforcement.

i just wanted to say sorry for my comment in this post, i didn't mean to be rude .

What was so rude? Same thing everyone else was saying.

As a mom of a six year old,I totally can relate.My dd also has a large appetite.
here whats worked for me:
I try not to bring junk stuff home from groceries.
Then I stuff the pantry/fridge with healthy choices.
Once in a while,I make treats at home with whole grains and high proteins.
Usually dd won't eat breakfast,no snack time at school,so by lunch time she is ravenous.sometimes she doesn't like lunch at school,so comes home very hungry and in bad mood,then pigs out on everything.Once I figured this out,I forced her to eat her bf,at first she protested,but now this has become a routine.also I tell her stuff like eating beets gives you rosy cheeks,drinking milk is good for pearly white teeth and eating apples make your skin glow etc.she usually falls for that.
If she is too hungry,try giving her a soup/salad/veggie platter with cheese etc before dinner to fill her up.some creative marketing is needed here.
dd loves princesses,so I say things like"Guess what Rapunzel had today for lunch?" Once she is old enough to understand more about healthy choices,I plan on educating her more.

as for table manners,I would use some humor and work at one skill at a time.maybe you can make a game of it.Who opens their mouth first while chewing loses points etc.
And have a little non-food reward when she masters it.remember she is too little to do everything perfectly at this age,it takes time and practice.
I have to constantly remind dd not to stuff more than she can chew,I think this is bcoz she wants to finish business so sha can play.and then she starts gagging.we are working on it.

no matter what you do,pls do not say things like you are too fat,eat too much,or compare her to other thin girls or say harsh things that would hurt her self-esteem.that wound can last a lifetime! they are so impressionable.

have you tried backyard veg garden?or take her to the store(like a fresh farm market and ask her to pick up stuff)that would normally make them get interested in eating healthy.
Its a lot of hardwork,but worth it,best of luck!

Oh my, you have with your hands full. Not with your daughter, with your husband. If you isn't behind you when you correct him, your not going to get anywhere with her, just fights with your husband. He should be more than happy for you to teach her manors, I don't understand why he isn't.

I have to teach my kids table manors, I'm constantly reminding them to chew with there mouths closed and elbows off the table (who thought of that one and whats the purpose?) My BF chews with his mouth open, at first it bothered me and I wanted to change his behavior. I figured when I told the kids to chew quietly, he would get the drift. He did, it made him turn red and he got his elbows off the table. The kids asked why he can eat with his mouth open (oh boy). I told them that he's an adult, and its his choice. He has settled down and eats the way he was/wasn't tought. My children are learning as I am teaching them and someday maybe he will learn too. He did learn to put the toilet seat down. I never said a word to him about it, but was always reminding my youngest to put the seat down. It must have sunk in.

Your going to have to have your husband with you on teaching her manors. Offer healthier, low carb alternatives. I usually have a potatoe or fruit with a meal, but the kids are only allowed one serving. Second servings has to be a veggie, it slows them down every time.

I feel for you, my ex husband was very pushy when it came to the kids and especially his daughter. Its hard when the adults can't work together for the greater good of our children.