I just read a wonderful story about a woman with serious inhibitions about the scars on her body finally getting naked with a man.


So anyway, give your man a chance to prove to you that are desirable.

Thanks for posting that, Nancy

The funny thing is that I have scars on my face from a car accident when I was a teenager. They've never been a problem for me. Even from the beginning when they were raw and red I socialized and never felt self conscious about them, and neither did my boyfriends. So I wonder why it's different with the loose skin? I have never looked in mirrors much, so maybe it's because I can see my body all the time.

Thinking about your character's lover's new wife it reminds me of an extremely beautiful friend and rich of mine who was horrified to discover that her husband was having an affair with another woman. The woman was a servant from another country and the husband doted on her. But it wasn't the woman's race or position in life that so upset my friend, it was the fact that she wasn't pretty. She used to go around showing people a picture of the woman, repeatedly saying how ugly she was. It showed her up for the cruel and superficial creature that she was, and made me understand why her husband had sought love elsewhere, so I ended the friendship without regret.

I know that men generally love with their eyes, but once they get to know women better they can certainly love what they see inside

I often feel I live in a different world. The men I have known have cared about excess weight and have shunned obesity. Even my own husband who loves me and has weight problem of his own admitted he was not attracted to my body. Honesty can hurt, but it is a truth that can be shared and explored. At 54, my body is drastically changing and I am in shock half the time wondering how much of it is natural aging and how much is the damage done from being 150 pounds overweight. Sigh.

I have nerver personally resolved what I have observed about men and their reactions to women who are fat. I have weighed as little as 147 pounds and been told by a man I would be a "fox" if I would just lose 10 pounds! I have been obese and never looked at. Some men seemed more attracted to me at 175 pounds than they did when I weighed 150. I don't understand the dynamics at all.

What I do know is that my husband met me at my heaviest and married me and I think that he came to realize that love and relationships are more than appearance. He is supportive, loving and kind which helps me feel secure, The thing I learned quickly is that I cannot hide my body in a relationship....no amount of thinking I am looking somehow thinner is going to cover up the truth. So there is a kind of acceptance of the inherent reality and the ability to move past it. It's funny to me that at first it was the obesity that was the problem, but now it is the wrinkles and loose skin that is quickly taking it's place!

Take it at your own pace and keep honest about it to yourself and to him. There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do, it is far more common than most women will admit out loud.

I will soon turn 62, my wife is 56, both of us are overweight, but the one thing that has put a damper on our love life is not our size. I am a cancer survivor, and have a colostomy, this makes me unsure about intimacy. When the occasion occurs, which it does, my wife does not appear to be bothered by my appliance. If someone really loves you it will show by their actions. Lights low and soft music might help your mood, he probably won't need help. He is a male.

I can see and appreciate that you're a realist like me. This may not be the truth, but in my experience, any man who thinks he can get away with having sex with a young, slim woman without being found out will do so, and apart from our feelings about our bodies, most women would do the same with a good-looking, slim young man.

This used to depress me, because I never went for looks in my boyfriends; the handsome men were invariably vain and empty-headed, so I avoided them.

But then I got to thinking about the reasons why looks and youth were so important to us sex-wise. From an evolutionary point of view we've long been hard-wired to choose mates who are likely to produce fit offspring, so it's not a choice, it's an instinct.

Explaining it this way to myself made it slightly more easy to bear.

My ex used to pretend that he didn't mind my extra weight, and it didn't seem to make any difference in bed. But after I left him he used to denigrate overweight women and two years later fell in love with a lovely woman 20 years younger than himself, and just off anorexic as well.

Instinct or not, it's hard not to take that personally.

Your husband sounds like a good man and a fellow-realist too. Few men would be that honest, and you know you have someone who loves you very much for yourself



Having been very much overweight all through an unhappy marriage and beyond I had not tried serious dieting for nearly three decades.

When I was younger I used to do it to look and feel better, but this time I felt the same kind of shock as you do, because I realised that losing weight in your mid-fifties is quite different. As I lose weight I'm looking older, and the wrinkles and loose skin increase, which hardly increases my motivation to continue.

But that's just in terms of looks. The plus side is *feeling* younger, fitter, and so much more energetic.





I've learned that I can't generalise where men are concerned. I never understood the 'men are all the same' cliche, because every man I met was different (Except when it came to wanting sex, but I don't see that as a minus )

I've had the same experience as you, but I live in a different country where few men are sexually attracted to skinny women. I used to put weight on to keep men away, only to find that I started attracting men who found my extra curves extremely attractive Some men do, some men don't.



Absolutely.

I never wanted to be beautiful, famous or rich because people like that never know if friends or loves want them for themselves until they lose their looks, fame or money. You know that your husband loves you, the very essence of you, and will continue to love you whatever weight you are.

And apart from the emotional bond, there's much more to physical relationships than looks.



I've never been one for affirmations or self-delusion. Like you, I prefer to face the truth and learn how to deal with it.



Oh yes It's funny that I'm starting to think that my lost curves had such nice smooth skin over them



It's one of those things that we'd rather pretend doesn't exist, and, of course, it affects men just as much when they lose a lot of weight. My current thinking is that it's highly unlikely that anyone, male or female could find loose skin attractive, but that a partner who loves us won't mind because that's just our bodies, and not who we are.

In relationships we all make compromises and forgive a lot of things we don't like.

I know that if my boyfriend turns and runs at the sight of my naked body then that means he never loved me. That's probably most people's fear about loose skin - being physically rejected. If I wasn't in a relationship I wouldn't care much at all about it; taking it as the price to pay for all the benefits of losing weight at this age.

I've told him about it, in detail, but I'm still concerned that he thinks I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. I'm going to sleep with him, but in the end it's my feelings of being physically unattractive that are likely to be much more of an impediment to enjoyment in bed than his reaction to my body.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings, so very akin to my own.

I can understand that having a colostomy bag must make you feel unsure. As I understand it, some partners do mind and others don't. But as you say, your wife shows by her actions that it isn't something that decreases her desire for you. You know she loves you.

But are you initiating things as much as you did before your operation? Forgive me if I'm wrong; I only ask because I worry that even after the first time with my boyfriend, I might still not suggest intimacy as often as I might want to due to continuing embarrassment over the loose skin problem, and I wonder if sometimes this kind of thing can be wrongly translated as lack of desire for our partners. If they then feel hurt and withdraw from us, and nothing's talked about, then the physical side can just fade away, but for no good reason (and I don't see any age as a good reason ).

We all have physical things we find unaccountably unattractive in potential partners. I don't fancy thin men; I like muscles and also find fat desirable. I'm quite attracted to scars, and most deformities and disabilities don't bother me at all, in fact, sometimes adding to a man's desirablity. But these are all superficial things. In short, a man's mind is the most attractive thing of all.

I think that the main thing is that if someone only wants you for the way you look, you're better off without them. There are so many good looking women out there spending half their lives fighting a loosing battle against getting older, and all out of fear of losing their partners. It's really sad.



It's been ten years; I won't need help to get in the mood either Though I think the lights will definitely have to be off the first time - not for him, but for me

Sorry about rambling on. I've always felt really strongly about the way our society is becoming more and more fixated on looks. It's causing so much pain.

Thanks for making me feel better.

I have a friend whose husband had a colostomy about a year and a half ago, and it is my understanding that they have not had sex since--I'm not sure about all the details--possible nerve damage?--but she loves him deeply, and I know it's been hard for her. I think she'd consider your wife fortunate, whatever bling you're wearing . . .

To look at this from a slightly different perspective...

One of my "yardsticks" of whether a man is "worthy of my love" yeah I sound like a total diva don't I ??? Anyway, what if you DID have a perfect body, then god forbid, you were involved in some horrible accident that forever changed the way you look?

If a man can't deal with some loose skin, then how on earth would he react to a true disfigurement like a burn or an amputation or some of the other unthinkable horrors that happen every single day. Remember the lady who the chimpanzee attacked? I bet she would trade her ripped away face and hands for our baggy bellies anyday.

Errr, sorry if that sounded harsh, I've had a badddd day lol. But the truth is, America is drifting deeper and deeper into a country with little values beyond a superficial "Well it only matters what a person looks like" snob filled aristocracy where looks are King and true values like kindness and goodness are overlooked maids emptying out the slopjars of life.

Now how's THAT for romantic inspiration eh? Just do it girl, you gotta admit that actually knowing one way or another cant be as bad as this endless teetering on the horrendous tightrope of "omg what if.... " He can only reject you once, you can reject yourself every single day for him, and what if.. just IF.. it's all for nothing?

I feel the same way.

Yes there can be nerve damage, depending upon the surgery done. That can be overcome, without getting too personal I have no problem on a physical level. The difficulty is in attitude, mostly mine, feelings of insecurity about the way I look.

Very true, but although we can always find someone who's worse off than we are it doesn't make it any easier to deal with our own insecurities. I'm not one to worry over little things. I had over sixty stitches in my face after a nearly fatal accident when I was a teenager, but that didn't bother me. I'm talking about a great deal of loose skin over most of my body, not just a baggy belly, and some men would be repulsed by that so I think I have a valid reason to be worried about my man's response to it.

I'm a stark realist and not into positive thinking unless there's a good reason for it. If I'd been with this man all my life and started to grow old with him I'd be a lot more positive, but I've only known him a year and he's much fitter and only just reaching 50. I'd feel more secure if I was with a man who had similar problems with his body, but love happens where it will.

I didn't come here for sympathy, but to learn from others in the same or similar positions, and it's helped a great deal to hear others share their experiences.



You didn't sound harsh to me; you were being straightforward and truthful, and I appreciate that. If more people spoke what was really on their minds this would be a better planet, but most of us are too scared that other people won't like us if we do. I'm like you; I started telling it like it is pretty late though, and didn't lose a single friend when I did

I hope your bad day got better



I have to agree with you 100%. And it's spreading fast. I'm not American (or a Brit), but even in my small corner of the world those values are creeping in and it makes me weep to see it happening.



Thanks to all the people kind enough to write in I'm convinced that the only way to find out is to do it. Sad that he won't be back on leave for a couple of months. I'm tired of playing out scenarios of being rejected in my mind, so as you say, it will be a relief to find out in the end.

It's always good to know we're not alone

Although we have different reasons for feeling insecure we have the same problems in attitude. I'm thinking that the more we put things into practice, and find repeatedly that our partners don't mind, the more our attitudes will change until it just doesn't matter anymore. As Voo36 said, what if it's all for nothing?