. . . how do you respond to them, and how do you feel about being asked?

I appreciate a compliment along the lines of, You've lost weight, good job, etc. But I've noticed lately that many people add (or substitute), "How much weight have you lost?" and sometimes I'm comfortable answering (depending upon the person), sometimes not.

Happened again yesterday: "I noticed you've lost weight. How much? --twenty, forty pounds?" and I just responded to the compliment with a, "Why, thank you. Yes, I think I have lost weight. That's very kind of you to have said that," and left the other part unacknowledged, and I think that person was gracious enough that he would have felt awkward bringing up the question again.

But while I feel okay here sharing my weight, that's not necessarily the case `out there', and I have mixed feelings about telling people the amount I've lost, because I don't like going on record about how very much I had to lose in the first place.

The most uncomfortable situations are the ones where I know that the person who is asking has been trying to lose weight, and I am starting to get into their size range. One person I work with asks me that rather abruptly sometimes, and looks almost sad--or expresses astonishment ("OMG!" somehow isn't quite as supportive as `Lookin' good!") Another woman asked me how much I weighed, and when I told her she replied, "Oh, gosh--I need to lose weight!" --as if I was nipping at her heels, and she couldn't let me get lighter than was she.

I think that's the exception--mostly they're just asking. And men seem really comfortable asking that question--perhaps they are better able to separate their sense of self and sense of worth from their size than are we women.

What about you? Thoughts, insights, experiences? How do you feel/respond when people ask how much weigh you've lost or how much you weigh?

(My teener d.s. noticed stretch marks on my arms the other day, and asked about them (he--anyone--so rarely sees me bare-armed). I explained what they were, and said I appreciated him not making negative comments about them, that I knew that they looked bad. He said, "I'd be proud of them if I were you--they're battle scars." Sometimes they surprise you . . . )

I appreciate a compliment along the lines of, You've lost weight, good job, etc. But I've noticed lately that many people add (or substitute), "How much weight have you lost?" and sometimes I'm comfortable answering (depending upon the person), sometimes not.
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Kathleen, I have felt the same way! I get asked by a very small social worker so freq about how much weight I have lost. I finally told her that I was losing but that I was having a hard time saying how much as most people would be normal weight with what I have lost and it is embarassing She now compliments me but does not ask.

I struggle with this with family as I am the only one morbidly obese........I really know that people of 10 -20 pounds have no clue to what we of 100 or more pounds go through...........to lose weight............to fit into a chair with arms.............to go to the movies.......when I busted a chair I was mortified..........and on and on.

Not sure if my rant stayed on topic but know this topic is going to be so wonderful................

I suppose something like "I'm sorry, I'm not really comfortable going into the numbers" might work, if you say it with a smile. I don't like quoting the actual poundage myself.

I've only just recently told people what I weight (truthfully) IF they ask. I'm quite proud saying how much I've lost, but at my current weight of 162, I still think that sounds heavy for a woman, but IF I do tell people, they can't believe it. They usually think I weigh 10-20 pounds less than that. That's the beauty of low carb, the number on the scale is very misleading. I'm very lean.

Good question Kathleen!!

I think that for those of us in the TDC....myself included, I had a lot shame around my morbid obesity. I tried to hide myself as much as possible.

As I was losing my initial 114 lbs, and people started asking me how much I lost, I didn't answer all of them in the same way. It depended on who was asking and in which circumstances. If it was a large size woman who I may be able to inspire, then I gave them details. But if it was a rubber necker....nope, no way.

I recall one day when I was at about 180 lbs, I was on an elevator in my building, filled with about 6 people. A small lady, who calls herself a nutritionist, was on it also. She calls to me from the other side of the group of people, telling me to not lose any more weight. I was mortified. I did not appreciate having all on the elevator all of a sudden examining my body! Irecall thanking her for her opinion, but that she didn't know me or my body and it was not her call to make. Sheeesh!

So my answer is, it depends on the situation and who's doing the asking.

Your son gave you a great answer on the stretch marks....I have begun to call them my battle scars too.

A good question Kathleen. My response usually depends on who asked the question. If it's a close friend or an obese person, I will usually tell them the number if they ask for it. If it's a co-worker, acquaintance, etc then I will just thank them for noticing; I might tell them how many pant sizes I've lost, but I won't tell them the weight loss number. Somehow that's more personal, and I agree that it's probably connected to not wanting the entire world to know how heavy I really was before I started losing weight. I think most people who have never been morbidly obese wouldn't understand and might judge me for my past....even though it was due to physiology and not some mental flaw. People are affected in different ways by refined carbs--some get migraines, some get chronic fatigue, skin conditions, diabetes...and some get morbidly obese like me. Unfortunately the belief that obesity is due to gluttony and sloth and is therefore shameful is still very much a part of our culture. I look forward to the day when this is no longer the case, but I am not holding my breath. People like to place blame for perceived weaknesses because it makes them feel superior. As Valerie says in her signature, there is no superiority in being thin.

--Melissa

I am with Judynyc. Depends on the person asking.

Also I rarely share details unless it's with another person who has been morbidly obese. Like my friend said who had a bad time after Vietnam, "you don't have to talk about it with civilians."

I don't have shame or blame any more around the actual pounds - those are just the facts. But it's the person's reasons for asking what might be too personal questions that I'm on the alert for.

Good question Kathleen!

My managers and co-workers, who are all men by the way, have been supportive of my weight loss since the beginning. They often compliment me and some ask how I did it.

One manager has been most supportive and he has told me several times how inspirational I am and how he enjoys coming in to work and seeing my smiling face when other employees are having bad days or whatnot. He's enjoyed seeing me grow and change from an obese depressed person into a non-smoking, usually joyful, normal weight person in less than a year.

He in particular asks me every so often how much I've lost, and I don't mind telling him. Knowing that he see's me as motivational and has applauded my success makes it easy and even enjoyable to tell him. The other day, he asked me how much I had lost saying that I looked good (even though I haven't lost any weight in months) and I thought he asked me how much I weighed and the number just flew off my tongue. I said "170". He looked at me kinda funny and I realized he had asked how much I'd lost. He said there was no way, and that he would have thought I weighed between 130 and 140. So, that was nice to hear and gave be a boost that day (when I had needed it)

I haven't dealt with many women other than my close friends regarding my weightloss. I know that some women can be catty and not want you to weigh less than them or whatever, but since I work with men I don't have that problem. Lucky me.

I like that analogy to Vietnam, because in some ways this is a war that we are fighting. I don't have any shame about the weight that I was since I now understand that it was not gluttony, sloth, or lack of willpower that took me there. That being said, other people may think those thoughts, and I do not want to encourage those viewpoints on obesity. This is why I may censor myself--I do not want to perpetuate mistaken notions of the causes of obesity.

--Melissa

Most of the time, I just deflect the question with something like "Oh, I'm just way cuter than you remembered!" Then we both laugh. Since I've used this response now at least 30 times, it comes out in some version or another by reflex. That means I get a moment to decide if I want to divulge personal info or not, rather than answering in some impulsive fashion that I might regret. Generally, I'd rather just get a compliment than a question. If it is someone I want to discuss it with, I will - otherwise I continue to deflect with graceful responses.

It varies for me too. I often hate saying the actual number. I mean if I ever get to my goal weight it will mean I have lost *200 pounds*. I mean who wants to admit that they were so fat that they could lose 200 pounds and still not be slender?

So I hesitate about the number, though I have admitted it to a few people. But typically I'll say something like, "Oh I try to avoid scale numbers, but I'm fitting into smaller clothes."

Oddly enough, I don't mind telling anyone how much I've *lost*, because I usually also give a diatribe about proper nutrition and improved health, but if you want to know how much I weigh *now*, the answer is 'too much'.

For me, it also depends on the situation and the people asking. Kathleen, your technique of just ignoring the question of "how much" and just thanking them for noticing is great. Sometimes people say things without even realizing they are being boorish, so I like to give them the benefit of the doubt and just ignore a boorish question if I can. Sometimes, I will answer, it really depends on how I feel and how safe I feel with that person having that information.

At this point, I'm pretty open about it though. I don't go around advertising the numbers often, but I don't generally shy from admitting to them, but it's been a few years to get to this point.

Kathleen, I feel exactly the same!

I realize some people don't mind talking about their weight loss, but if I could lose the weight and NOT have anyone notice, that would be super great for me! Of course, that won't be the case, so I plan on answering the same way I used to after I previously lost a bunch of weight...

"I don't really know; I don't weigh myself. I'm just eating right, exercising and looking at how my clothes fit."

Of course, if someone is morbidly obese and genuinely interested in how I'm losing weight, I would definitely provide more details... But for everyone else - frankly, it's none of their business, IMO

I've been influenced by a lifetime of being morbidly obese. I have to say, anybody who's asking my what I weigh would seem to me to equal a person of any color being asked to judge their skin tone.

One of my FB friends recently saw that I had joined a walking group and asked how long I excercised and how much weight I had lost. That question I deflected by saying "enough to notice my clothes are baggier and I feel lighter."

One thing that bothers me is that people look at an obese person and just claim physical superiority in their heads. Then they ask questions specific to what you've lost or weigh... That's sad, wrong.

If I lost 200 pounds I wouldn't want a compliment for it. Because to me it's just an insult of the person I was 200 pounds ago -- and that, on the inside, is the same person.

I don't ask bald people to tell me if they've been sprouting some new follicles; I don't ask anyone of any color "Hey, aren't you lightening up a bit?" I don't ask the mentally challenged, "Hey, has your IQ increased in the past few weeks?" It's just rude to go there. If someone cares about you and is smart they'll probe you and ask if you've been eating differently, getting more exercise, doing more things with the family, etc. Then you can ease into it. Otherwise, I just change the freaking subject.

"Hey, you lost weight, how much did you lose, what do you weigh?" I've heard this statement in this fashion 1,000 times. I hate it. People don't understand. It doesn't help, and is really sad if you have a relapse.

I swear it's easier in this country to be a junkie or alcoholic than to be obese. It's better accepted. "He's shooting heroin." "Yeah, but at least he's not fat!"

Oh, I could go on for hours.

People try to guess your weight in front of other people, People ask your weight in front of other people. Rude, rude, rude. Obnoxious.

I'm a human being. Not a sideshow attraction.

Whew, there, got some aggression out. Thanks.