After a lifetime of failed attempts, will this be the time; the time I don't lose heart mid-battle, frustrated with the time it takes to show results; the time I don't let myself become lulled into complacency? For truly, I don't know which is a fiercer enemy; success or lack of success, I must be diligent in the pursuit of my goal.

My highest weight was 451 lbs, today I weigh 435 lbs. The lowest weight I have been in 15 years was 359 lbs, I was there for 1 day.

My body has been wonderful to me! I have asked so much of it throughout my life and it has always given and given. The last few years it has been showing signs of wear, from the way I have mistreated it throughout the years. I don't know how much longer it is going to keep working if I don't change what I am doing. Let’s face it, what I am doing now is not living, it is existing. I have robbed myself and my family of so much, by just existing. It is too painful to think about, it is a knife piercing my heart, filling me with overwhelming sadness. My weight has me held captive. I am not able to do the things I want to in life. The ironic thing is that my faithful friend food, who has always been there for me, who always made me feel better (at least at first bite), who tantalized my senses, has betrayed me. Food no longer satisfies me like it once did. Yet I still crave it, I still want the illusion it promises.

Right or wrong, I feel my success or lack thereof governs every area of my life. If I have control over my weight, I feel successful in other areas of my life; I am a ‘good’ person. I have worth. When I am losing my weight loss battle, then I feel like it negates every good thing I have done in my life. I haven’t yet learned how to separate who I am as a person from my weight.

This battle seems immense, unconquerable at times. Being completely honest, I don’t know if I have what it takes to win, to be free of this self imposed prison. I will keep fighting, I can’t stop fighting, you never know which battle will turn the tide. I learn from each failed attempt. So all I can say is once more into the breach, dear friends, once more…

It is possible that this post would have been better suited to my journal instead of the forum, but I need the accountability. Too many times I have quietly began in my journal and slipped away just as quietly.

These are the words in your post that jumped out to me...this is where I see your future success.

I too, felt I never would be able to get it done....but like you, I had learned from each of my previous failed attempts and used my lessons to pave a new path.

One more time...never give up.....you never know when it will be your time for your miracle to happen.

So get your ducks all in a row and dig in....you can make this happen!!

One thing that did help me was to keep moving forward, even when I made mistakes, I just kept going. Keeping my goals small to the next 10 lbs only. I was unable to allow my mind to see the whole amount as it just folded up on me...10 lbs I could handle mentally.

We are here for you!!

Success is a double edged sword, my dear friend.

Your emotion oozes out of every post you share. Let that emotion drive you forward in your journey.

This journey is an emotional one. One you do not have to walk alone.

I'm so glad to see you back Lisa! I think your decision to not hide in your journal this time will be a big help. There are plenty of us here who have been in the same boat. Lean on us, that's why we're all here.

Welcome back, Lisa!

You know, I could have written your post years ago, only I didn't have nearly your hope. I was sure I was hopeless. More time than I can count, I was sure I was destined to be obese forever.

Change is possible. I think that often, it just takes being in the right place at the right time. Luck may be a big part of it, how often are we in the right frame of mind, finding the right place to be and things just come together. And sometimes, it's not luck, it's having the courage to put yourself in the right place when it's the right time, like coming back here for support.

One day at a time. You can do it.

I'm glad you had the courage to post this. I hope you'll have the courage to keep coming back everyday and let us know how you are doing. These first days back on plan are so tenuous, it's so easy to fall back into old ways. If you think it will help, I'd suggest you make a committment to check in here, on this thread, at least once a day for the next 30 days to let us know how you've done that day. Good or bad, just to check in. Being in the right place at the right time helps, and sometimes being in the right place helps make it the right time, even if things aren't going well. Committing to coming back each day for 30 days might help.

Just wanted to chime in with a 'welcome back' - good to see you here again.

I looked at your pictures, and you are *beautiful*. Just gorgeous.

How'd you make out today? I always find 'starting back' to be a bit of a sputtering sort of start. Might be mostly 'ok' or it might be awful. Kind of like starting up an old classic car - that's been sitting in the garage for awhile. The thing doesn't just start up, you know?

All very normal.

Looking forward to seeing more of you around the forums.

Sara

So happy to see you posting. You're right--none of us know if this time is going to be *the* time; we just keep trying--because it might be. It just might. Just do today, okay? You can do that. Worry about tomorrow when it gets here.

Welcome back.

Thanks everyone for all of your support and encouragement. I like the idea of checking in here for the first 30 days. I didn't do well yesterday at all, a couple hour trip turned into being gone all day. I am back to doing good today. I feel horrible, nothing to do with eating, allergies are really bad today. Eating is right on track! See you all tomorrow or maybe later tonight if I feel better.

I totally hear what you are saying. Every day just remember you have to only get through that day. Then the next day is a new day. I've fought the demon for years. I'm convinced this is my last shot, because my body is failing and I need to have the weight off. I wish you the best of luck. Look at it as making a complete lifestyle change. Look at it as you're doing it for you and you alone. You are worth it. Fight every battle, expect to win although you may not, still, you will win the war. You have my best.

Lisa, I hope you will check in each day. I had noticed you had done your original post Sunday and then we didn't hear from you again until Tuesday and was worried you weren't going to come back.

This really is possible, I know it's a daunting task, but it can be done. I hope you keep coming back.

Like I said earlier, I didn't do well at all Monday and it is quite possible if the only place I had posted when I began again was my journal I would have slipped silently away again, to wait for a 'perfect' opportunity to try again. Instead I posted to the TDC, felt such a warm welcome and no condemnation, that it was very easy to come here and say, I messed up, but I am still in. I will post here, good or bad, everyday for 30 days.

Reading your post was like looking inside myself!!!!!!! Everything you said was something I could recognize or relate to. Like you, in the past, I would primarily post in my journal. I'd say I wanted support, but hidden in my journal I wasn't going to find it!! A bad day would keep from posting until I was "back on track". So I offer my support, my friendship, my ear, whatever you need to help you!! Good luck and I'll keep the faith with You!!!!

Today started out really good. Woke up feeling good, got some running around taken care of. In fact I was going and going and going and I forgot to eat. I finally got home and ate something. I am still hungry though, and I feel a little off kilter, not sure why. When I get done posting I will go grill a turkey burger.

I have also been really pushing to finish a project I am working on and it seems to be taking forever to take care of the small details. I am tense and hurting. Maybe I will call it a day soon. Tomorrow I need to make sure I eat every few hours, it really makes a difference in how I feel.

Beginnings can be tough, a little shaky. But isn't it a great feeling to lie in bed knowing that, no matter what else happened today, you got the food part straight.

We'll see you tomorrow, okay?

Finally going to bed. After ate some protien, I felt better.

Yes it feels really good knowing regardless of what else happened, I ate clean all day.

See you all tomorrow.