I just hit my favorite `department style' thrift store yesterday, looking for a pair of jeans.

Background: I am a hoarder by nature. It's not so much conservative as accumulative; I fear the winter that starves and freezes--I want stacks of firewood, warm red woolen cloaks, a full storehouse, a warm barn--all very primal. My closet is stuffed w/not a large wardrobe, but several small, sequentially sized wardrobes--as if I fear that they will stop making clothes when I will need them. I have stuff that doesn't fit that I've been hauling around for years, just in case. Just in case.

Yesterday I went to the store, and had that sneaky feeling of going into new size ranges, but directly across from all the size fourteen jeans were the 22-24's (a small selection of well-worn stuff, a few feet of rack space, easy to check through). And they beckoned. I had a moment of brainlock wherein I wasn't sure which way to turn. And I felt the need to check those 22's out, just in case that was *really* what would fit me. Had to explain to myself that I was smaller than that now.

Turned to the fourteens, and they stretched for a whole rack length--16 feet, maybe? Looking through them was overload--I kept finding name-brands in good repair that I knew would fit. Selected several, then went to the 16's, and found the same. At size 22, I would have been thrilled to find one good pair of jeans in my size--that would have felt like a score. Accustomed to having to do a bit of repair work, or take in some darts, or whatever.

Instead, I went to the changing room w/about two dozen pairs of pants to try on. Settled on a couple of size 16's, after spending an hour taking them on and off. Was able to get exactly my preference in cut, fabric, and in good repair.

It was . . . exhausting.

And one might anticipate that it would be exhilarating, but it really wasn't. I am still 30 pounds overweight, and carrying the scars to prove that I've fought this battle for a lifetime. So it wasn't me being all cute and little and pretty. It was me being, if I put these clothes on, able to sorta pass as a Nermal outside of the dressing room.

But it wasn't a bad experience, either. It was a learning one.

It was very, very hard for me not to buy more. Buying a few fourteens, "just for later, just in case". Buying more 16's, because they fit. Because I could. Really, all I needed was one pair, bought two just because. No fourteens. Told myself that later, when I needed them, they would be here for me.

I asked a clerk when I was ringing out if this was normal for there to be so many name-brand jeans in good repair in the store (and I caught myself before I added in these size ranges). And she said yes, that typically, people who bought these $40-50 jeans liked to stay in fashion, so they would wear them a little while and then update.

So basically, I can come back there when I need to, and get more. I don't have to maintain a just-in-case closet. I can release.

I had a dream many years ago, never forgot it. Was in this sort of underground house-pit thing, and had a stash there of moldy hay. Was keeping it safe just in case I needed it. Climbed an old wooden ladder, went out into the sunshine, and found myself in a golden meadow full of fresh hay, w/golden horses eating in the sunshine.

That's what this felt like. There is *enough*. There is a sufficiency.

I have seen this in myself, and in some other people w/a lot of excess weight. We hoard. We have clutter. We live our lives on a contingency basis--better keep this, might need it.

This opens up a lot of possibilities to me. I don't know where it will go, but it's got me thinking.

Maybe this should have gone in my journal--just personal musings. But I'm putting this out here to see if it resonates w/anyone else. Thoughts?

Excellent write up! I cannot wait for the day that I can too indulge in the sizes of plenty

we have a place here called Plato's closet and they have name brand jeans cheap like that! Way to go and keep up the GREAT work!

Kathleen...I could have written that post of yours. I am a collector. Not of anything valuable, just of things in general. I've often felt that all these things weigh me down, but I don't know how to get rid of them. I have clothing in a variety of sizes and when something is very obviously too big on me...do I throw it out? NOOO! I put it in a bag in the basement. I'm afraid to throw it out.

I will find a shirt that fits and doesn't make me look too horrible and I will buy one in every color they have because I'm afraid they won't ever make another one like it or that I'll never find another one that will look good. I wear them way past the time that I ever should.

I'm at that stage of being in between the plus size deparment and the regular department. I stand in the middle of the aisle, not knowing where to go. I don't want to go to the regular department because I'm afraid people will look at me and wonder what the heck I'm doing there. I feel like a fraud gathering up some clothing to try on. I feel like people are looking at me going..."Wishful thinking honey." I feel more at home in the plus size department, but I know I can't buy pants there any longer. I sometimes wish I could for the exact reason you state....the variety, the choices, the different styles, cuts, etc. of the regular department are overwhelming. There are only a few pairs in the plus size department and not much choice in those, so it's pretty easy picking something out. I avoid shopping these days for clothing. It's too trying for me at the moment.

I do have a distorted body image. I think I'm way bigger than I really am at the moment. I'm not sure when that goes away or if it does.

Yes, this resonates with me. Most definitely.

I am a hoarder. I have a ridiculous amount of clothing. I think it comes from just being so happy to find ANYTHING in my size that fits and is half way decent--I buy it. Whether I needed it or not is irrelevant.

I have a whole bag of stuff I put by the door for donation. it was hard going through those clothes, some of them old friends, and letting them go. It seems like something you should be happy about and can't wait to do, but it isn't that simple. Being somewhere in the middle of the journey--its not like you're stepping out of your size 26 into an 8 and you're all done--I want to hide in my big clothes. I don't really get why.

I walked into the bathroom at work today and caught a glimpse of my reflection. To me, I look just the same. And so I'm wearing a pair of pants that I've been rationalizing--the waistband sags comically and I have to keep pulling them up. They. Don't. Fit. But I'm still trying to wear them, because I still think I'm that size. Because I'm not the size I want to be yet. Because they don't fall down when I first put them on (that two percent spandex). Because I still look the same to me.

You know, I did the same thing when i was going UP in size. I remember wearing these exact same pants last summer and the waist band rolling down when I sat. I think I blamed the cut or something. They were just too small, and I didn't want to admit that.

I have seen this in myself, and in some other people w/a lot of excess weight. We hoard. We have clutter. We live our lives on a contingency basis--better keep this, might need it.

This opens up a lot of possibilities to me. I don't know where it will go, but it's got me thinking.

Maybe this should have gone in my journal--just personal musings. But I'm putting this out here to see if it resonates w/anyone else. Thoughts?
__________________


Kathleen............this is too funny...........I have had the same thoughts!! I have way to many clothes now that don't fit and some too big......and clutter!

I was over to my younger brother's house and told him and his wife that I am sorry if something happens to me..............they are looking at me oddly...........and I say..........I have been trying to declutter my things but I have so much stuff here and I know that they may have to deal with it one day....................so I was thinking of running around leaving notes like.......this is worth money...........meant to get rid of this...........sorry about all this stuff..............we all ended up laughing hysterically but the sad thing is I need to get busy and get stuff organized and give away all my excess!!! Clutter in our homes and clutter on our bodies some similarities there for sure................
Gloria

You explained it better than I could. I to went to the thrift shop a little over a week ago. While I still pulled myself in the directions or the 18-20 shirts, and size 18 jeans, I had to stop and actually set them down and tell myself that they would not fit anymore. While we should both be happy with our loss and buying jeans in a smaller size, for me, don't know about you, it was sort of going thru the motions. It wasn't fun, and I still couldn't stand looking at myself in the mirror when I changed. While I was shocked at what did fit, I am still over weight as well and I feel like I just changed into smaller armor to face the world. I don't get started at as much, or feel like I am anyway, but I still have clothes that make me feel bad, and days where I can feel bad all on my own.

Congrats to you for losing this weight, and for going out and getting yourself some new clothes. I still feel strange, like the sales lady is gonna come over and ask me if I have the right section-and point me to the "fat lady" section, whenever I select a smaller pair of jeans now.

Very interesting post

Know what's really weird though? Somewhere in there, after losing a fair bit of weight, I found it difficult to shop or buy stuff. I had more clothing when I was still wearing the plus sizes than I do now. I did the same thing Charran was mentioning - find a pair of pants that fit? Buy them in *every* colour. You know, just in case. I mean, it was so difficult for me to find a pair of pants that I liked and that fit well ....it was like if I found anything, I'd hit the jackpot or something.

Now I'm actually having the opposite problem. I really, really need some new clothes, and keep putting it off. It feels like I have no style or something, or that I just don't know how to put things together. As a result, I only have four short-sleeve tops that fit me. The rest is all long sleeved stuff, leftover from winter/fall - and there's not too many of those either. Two pairs of jeans.

This is becoming something of an issue for me. I don't know whether it's that I'm afraid to actually see myself, or if I feel overwhelmed with all the choices, or if I just feel unstylish somehow. This may sound a bit weird, but I feel a sense of pressure or fear in there somewhere.

I'm still hanging out in my baggy jeans and boxy polo shirts.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to learn. I feel so silly, but I've been reading fashion/stylist's blogs, books on 'how to have style' and all that. These measures haven't helped just yet...as I said, still sort of just hanging around, waiting....

For what? I don't know.

Sure, I bought a dress to go to a family wedding, but I've basically stopped shopping.

My Mom visited from out of town - we went shopping, and it was very awkward feeling for me. She and I used to shop the plus section together. It was a lot of fun, and that's not something we can do together anymore.

I'm also still grabbing clothing that ends up being too big, and usually end up having to go back several times for smaller sizes. Still telling myself it must be a mistake on the tag. A clothing manufacturer's version of a 'typo'.

I think I'm going to have to just get out there, and get shopping.

Wow, I feel like turning cartwheels backwards and laughing! Yes, yes! I get it! and you get me!

Very glad I ventured out of the safety zone and posted this. I am out of time to respond--dd's b'day, gotta run--but I empathized with every one of these posts. Will be back when I have more time to reply, just wanted to thank each of you.

Yeah. Choice feels overwhelming after simply being happy to find anything that fits at a half-way reasonable price. But you know what? We've got it out on the table to talk about, and that's how we get through these things. 's cool.

It took me forever to get used to shopping in regular stores after I hit that point. I was completely overwhelmed by the choice, I was so used to only having the few specific plus sized stores available to me. Heck, I'm still overwhelmed much of the time, but I manage it by only shopping in a few specific stores that I know have the kind of styles I'll like. Every once in a while, I just wander in to a different type of store and I just don't know what to do.

I work really hard at not holding on to clutter. My default is to hold on to it, but I force myself to de-clutter and get rid of stuff I don't need anymore. I find de-cluttering my clothes closet hard though. When I was heavier, I found I was really hard on clothes, I would wear them out really quickly and because I had such a hard time finding clothes in my size, I never had a large wardrobe and was always having to buy new clothes it seemed. Now that I'm smaller, I don't seem to wear out my clothes as quickly and I have more clothes, but now I'm stuck with my mistakes, those clothes you buy and discover you don't really like. Before, they'd wear out and I'd be rid of them. Now, I have to choose to give them away to Goodwill to get rid of them and it seems wasteful. I did recently do that though and it left me needing to shop for more clothes for summer, but I'm procrastinating. I'm not looking forward to feeling overwhelmed at the clothing store again.

It speaks volumes when you look at the racks of clothing hanging there.

20+ you see a couple pieces, very worn.

16 below - you see oodles of clothing, slightly worn, some brand new looking and in every brand name you can imagine.

I am now in size 14 in some pants and not others. In some ways I am afraid of becoming a size 12, since it means that I will no longer fit in clothes at Lane Bryant. That was virtually the only place that I shopped for many years--the idea of not having a go-to place seems scary. I have no idea where to shop for regular-sized clothes besides thrift stores and discounters like Ross and Target. For now I will probably just shop those places until I reach a more permanent size.

I have also begun to feel overwhelmed by clothes shopping. That said, being able to find more options is definitely nice....but it is what my old boss called the burden of choice. It's great, because you have all of these options, but it's bad because you actually need to make decisions. I have always been indecisive, so that's difficult for me. I am hoping that I will eventually adjust to this new world, but I think it will be a slow process.

--Melissa

I don't really hoard clothes in different sizes. I've been this size for so long its all the clothes I have. I do hate clothes shopping, trying to shove my big body into jeans. I don't even look at clothes anymore at the thriftstore. Too depressing, its all stretchy polyester type crud my grandma would wear. a little jealous when my teen can pull out all these wonderful name brand clothes in cute sizes, at the thrift store. I can't wait for that day.

Right now I'm dealing with jean problems. Nothing fits me anymore. Not in the way it fit before. Smaller in some areas, tighter in new areas. I'm taking a pile of pants to a friend this week who is going to tailor them to this bod. So I can at least wear something. My goal is to have to go to here again in a month or so to do it all over again when their too big!

This does resonate with me .. my place is cluttered and I have clothes in many sizes. I am going to be moving in a couple of months and am already considering how I am going to do packing.

I'm stepping foot lightly in here. I had lost over 100 pounds on Atkins and have gained pretty much all of it back.

I sold or gave away all my bigger clothes at one point and now have had to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe. It has been a double-whammy to not only regain weight but also buy clothes to fit that new weight.

Now I don't think I'll ever be able to give up my multiple-sized wardrobe. It will be given away only after I'm gone.

The other clutter -- I am going to attempt to get rid of that when I move. If nothing else, we'll plan a garage sale at the new location when my new husband and I put all our stuff together and realize we have more than double what we need for a normal household.

Do you think hoarding is connected to being overweight or occurs more often in those of us who are overweight?

My mother and sister are hoarders and neither of them has ever had a weight problem.

But maybe statistically, it is so.

Hmm. I haven't seen any statistics on this, but my gut feeling would be that clothes hoarding (especially in multiple sizes) might be connected to fluctuating weight. I would guess that hoarding of other stuff (furniture, magazines, toys, whatever) wouldn't be related to this weight history, but it might spill over from clothes into other stuff as well.

--Melissa