I've beem acting silly for the last few days.
And why? I've been having anxiety over a man, yes a man!
I have a very good friend, who I love very much. I have for over a year. 5 or 6 months ago, he cut off all ties to me because I showed signs I had a major crush on him and he wasn't interested. It hurt. I have very few friends who are intelligent, funny, and are catholic. The things that make me that way.
Recently, a month ago, he and I started talking again. He started it. He actually stays an hour or two after work, just to talk to me.

I have almost two seperate people in me. The heart one and the mind one. My heart says "Oh you love him, then go and tell him."
My mind says "Yah right! Are you an idiot?! The guy thinks you are a dweeb! And he thinks you aren't attractive!" Then my heart self says "But I have so much to offer! I'm pretty, I like many of the things he does, I can read emotions so I know when he's upset, I'm terrific in bed, and I'm loyal to a fault!" Then my mind says, "Yah, but so what?! He doesn't care and besides, he probably would hate your family and your children, like everyone else you had a relationship with"
See what I mean?
I want to be his friend only, but sometimes when he's close to me, I get so attracted to him that I want to kiss him! Sometimes I feel he's attracted to me but for whatever reason he has, he wouldn't react to it. Is it all in my head.

Thanks for letting me say this, its been on my mind and I just want to let go. Lets face it I have more worries that need my attention than this! I wonder if this has to do with my new found identity?

I hope you all are doing well, I'll write after the weekend!

Just read all the posts. Am dealing with depression and anxiety. Have been off work now for 4 weeks - unable to work related to increased stress and increased anxiety related to same and some medical problems that may or may not be stress related. That sums it up in a nutshell. Having some up days, days when I just want to cry. Days with no energy, getting things done every day, just varying amouts. Changing jobs - so now looking for a new job - that's another stress - but less stress than I'd face than if I returned to my previous job.

The support I read and felt in the posts for each other was fantastic. Came close to tears on more than one occasion. Lonliness is often a factor in depression, and is one of the issues I'm dealing with now. Even though I've lived in this area just over a year, the only people I know are the people I worked with. I'm out on medical leave and have not felt like making the contact with more than 1 or 2 people from work. So I've been seeking ways to make contact wiht humans, and have been resorting to e-mail with distant friends.

As more than one has commented, people just don't understand if they haven't been depressed. My husband's attitude is "grab your bootstraps, pull them up, and keep going". Medications changes, and psychotherapy are helping. The diagonosis of anxiety disorder is new, so as I'm learning about it, I'm understanding better what's been happening. Post traumatic steress disorder is appropriate also.

Sorry I've rambled on - don't feel like I've said alot. But I'm glad you're hear. I'll be reading your notes, and know you're hear to listen.

Adria

Hello adria and welcome,

Yes we are here to listen, that's what's so wonderful about this web site. Hang in there and know that you are among people who really care what's going on with you. If you are feeling blue do what I do and come on this site and VENT. It will make you feel ever so better.

Thanks Lassana for starting this discussion.

It seems this thread has come along at just the right time for many of us.

I am older than most and have been through many years of the roller coaster of major mood swings. Because I don't have all of the horrendous past experiences that so many of you have had to deal with, I feel so guilty when I'm overwhelmed with debilitating sadness. I've made some foolish choices in my life and tend to beat myself up - because after all, I did it to myself!

I do think my problems are genetic. I never knew why my mother was crying. Perhaps she didn't either. She was very hard on me. But I do know that if she'd known better, she'd have done better. I've taken meds in the past, for a number of years, but I stopped two years ago. For me, it was time. I am now an empty nester and feel that, since my bad times are fewer, and they don't affect, or hurt anyone else, I prefer to ride them out and learn what works.

I went to a women's group once. At the end of the six week session, the therapist asked us to share what we appreciated the most from our time together. I said it had been a disappointment to me because I had hoped to learn new stuffing skills and had learned none. Everyone laughed. I did too.

Today was hard. I can't type for tears. I'm sure tomorrow will be better. Thank-you all, dear ones, for being willing to open up.

Few, if any, people know I go through these times. I lock the door, take the phone of the hook, and go to ground.

I think we will all gain here. Mostly, as it's been said before, because we know we're not alone.

Thanks for listening.

J-Mary

J-Mary,

I read your post and just wanted to say hello and hope that things get better for you. Sometimes when I get really down I just stay focused on getting through that day and promise myself things are going to get better tomorrow.

Hang in there and know that you are NOT alone. Just come on this web site and VENT.

Good luck and keep us posted. I am also glad that they started this forum. I do believe it helps.

Have a good day.

I was so down this past weekend. My daughter went on a trip with my parents for three weeks and my son went to stay a week at his father's house. You would think I would love having a vacation from my kids. I do and I don't. I miss them!
I never realized how I use my children to distract myself from my own thoughts!

Yesterday, I let thought after though enter my mind. And instead of egnoring them. I tried to think them through.
I realized for example How important friendship is to me.
Its more important than having relationship!
I also realized how cluttered my life is, not only physically but mentally too. So I'm decluttering my home this week

Hello, J-Mary! I'm Mary-K Call me Kassie
You know, depression or anxiety doesn't always have a 'physical' cause. I've know people with wonderful growing up and who have great jobs but still have anxiety. I really think its got to be mind chemicals or something like that. An inbalance maybe.
But don't feel guilty that you didn't 'suffer' like others. Trama is different in everyone.

Hi to all the rest!!

It is easy to say "don't think about it". Nonetheless I feel it is important to accept memories that surface from time to time and then relax, release and let them go.

Writing down feelings as fully as possible (have to set a time limit of one hour or so) and then burning the sheets of paper imagining letting go of all the feelings on the paper helps one to do that.

Going over and over the past traumas only reinforces them. Whilst accepting that I will never ever be 100% happy it is important to turn them around and focus on the positive for as much of the time as possible.

Take care.

Hi guys, depression is something that i have struggled with for the past few years. I have not had horrific childhoods besides my parents divorcing and sometimes I get so angry with myself because I know that there are so many worse thigns that could happen in my life and how do I give myself permission to be so sad all of the time. I have been on medication for the past 2 years and find that it does help, but it does not make things perfect. I have wonderful friends, a wonderful family, and a wonderfful boyfriend. But still I hate myself (and my life sometimes). It is horrible. And the thing that is just unbearable to me is that I can't explain it. All of the sudden I will be in tears and not get out of bed for the whole day. I lay in bed and try and figure out what the problem is and why I am feeling that way and I have no answers. It makes my boyfriend feel terrible because he feels like he doesn't make me happy. But he does, he is so wonderful and I feel like such an idiot for still being sad when I have someone as loving as he is. If I ever lost himm, i do not know what I would do. Soemtimes it just makes me feel as though my life is out of control. It makes me feel weak. I want to be happy so much and the fact that I struggle just to get out of bed in the morning is so defeating. I have had eating disorders in the past and there are sometimes when i consider reverting back to my old ways. scary thoughts. anyway, I just wanted to share my thoughts and tell you all I think you are just amazing. thankyou

sunchick,

My goes out to you. I know what it is like to be so depressed that you don't want to get out of bed.

It's wonderful that you have such a wonderful boyfriend that is willing to help you. My husband is my salvation, more than the anti-depressants and therapy that I used to get. (I still need the anti-depressants). I had a horrid step-father and a horrid ex-husband modeled, (of course), after my step-father. I thought that a man had to abuse you or he was weak. Thank GOD I got over that notion.

Anyway, the next time you feel like staying in bed drag yourself to the computer and come on this forum and talk to us. WE CARE!
You are not alone.

GOD bless you. Take care and let us know how things are going.

I think most of my friends and even my roommate would be surprised if they knew how much I hated myself a few years ago.
I found that when I only hear the harsh words of others and myself the hate starts and grows. This reminds me of something I read, "It takes 100 positive actions to erase 1 negative one". Isn't this so true?!
I now love myself, how, I'm not exactly sure.
I have learned to blame myself for only my actions and not others.
I used to feel bad about myself when a friend was having a bad day. Ownership of emotion is a problem I'm working on. I've learn that everyone will not want to be my friend. That I couldn't control that. I also recognised that some things I was experiencing was reminding my emotional mind of another time and place causing emotional distress.

For example: My daughter is mad at me and screams: "You don't love me!" and immediately I would think how My Father couldn't show love and how loveless I felt as a child, then I start thinking I failed as a Mother.

Nowadays, I recognize the situation as it is and realize that my daughter is just trying to push one of my buttons. So I give her a hug and send her to her room

My heart is with you too and please continue to share your stories. We are here for you.

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to say this is great. I used to attend group therapy every week which costs me a pretty penny. This is the same thing only better because I don't have to leave the house. I can totally sympathize with you all. I was told I could write a book about my life. My family would kill me. Anyway, I wrote a poem it's very cheesy I know but I decided that each time I feel as bad as I did when I wrote it I would write another one. It actually made me feel better to see it on paper. I used to journal all the time, but sometimes you don't feel like it. This poem only took me 5 minutes to write so it might sound dumb but here it goes:

Why won't anyone hear me?

Why won't anyone hear me?
For I long to be joyful and free.

My soul feels twisted and torn,
I wish sometimes I hadn't been born.

Will I ever see a beautiful day?
Please tell me help is on the way.

My heart is lethargic and weighed down,
Will I ever see a smile from this frown?

My sadness runs as deep as the ocean,
My life is simply just going thru the motion.

My brain feels like a fried egg,
Please help me I beg.

Will this wretched despair ever end?
I do pray that my heart will mend.

My vision grows darker by day and pitch at night,
I don't know how much longer I can fight.

My mind feels confused and dim,
When did life get so grim?

For me it is as long as I can remember,
For my heart feels as though it is in it's last days of Dec.

For I long to again be carefree,
Why won't anyone hear me?

Well that's it I hope I didn't bore anyone with this. You tell family, your best friends and no one understand. They take you for granted, that you'll be o.k. or they expect you to be superwoman.

Thanks for listening.

Heath1

Heath1, I cried when I read your poem. It's beautiful. Thanks for sharing.

I know what you mean about getting more help from this forum than any therapist, and it's FREE! My family doesn't understand either, my husband has begged me to write a book about my childhood but my mother, (and probably all the rest of my family), would never speak to me again. The one time that I got up the courage to confront my step-father, (I was drinking, DRUNK I must confess), and called my mom's home. Needless to say she wouldn't put him on the phone and pretended, (for his benefit), that we were having a normal conversation . Did you know that my mother wrote the song, "Queen of Denial"? Just kidding but she doesn't want to hear anything bad about any of her family, including the WONDEFUL man she is married to. My sister and I, (the rebels), listen to her extoll on an on about how wonderful our childhood was. She is a STEPFORD wife and mother. Who is this woman, I know that she isn't the one who was there for the daily physical and mental abuse that was subjected on my siblings as well as her.

Oh well, let's not muddy the waters. It might upset your father!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I dearly love my mother but she has her own ghosts to live with, so she sticks her head in the sand. My sister and I call her Ostrich Head when we are discussing all this. Of course, I would never hurt her and let her know this.

Thanks for letting me vent once again. Gosh, I feel better!

I want to thank you for sharing your stories!! It makes me feel that what I go through isn't so strange. My doctor told me once something that I want to share to you all.
He told me that Emotional Sensitive people are more prone to go to the Doctors for help than an not so emotional person.
Which he appreciates greatly. Its easier to cure someone of something if they notice it sooner.
Although in hind sight I wonder if this pretains to an extraverted emotional person relative to an introverted one?

I know when I have the hardest time not getting emotional.
Its when my character gets attacked.
I get upset when my Mother tells me how my daughter behaves so much better than she does with me.
I get upset when the engineer I work with calls me a back stabber when I only feel good things toward my team.
I am not a liar, I am not lazy! Nor am I mean!
I am a truely nice person, I am truely a caring one.
I am cool!

Now if only I could believe this all the time

Lessara this was a great idea! I found it today, 2/27, and thought it was just perfect because I am so blue today. After reading about some of the horrible things that some of you have experienced I'm ashamed of myself for feeling blue when I thankfully have not suffered that way. I guess it is a chemical or hormone though because SOMETHING causes this depression to come upon me. I'm grateful mine is short term for the most part except for when my mom died. I was really so depressed then for about a year.

Is this guy you have your eye on involved in a relationship? If not he is a fool! I had a similar situation about a year ago. I had the chance at a relationship with a woman I had been friends with for a while. I was so afraid of ruining our friendship that I pretented to not notice her advances. She began confiding in one of my closest friends that I was driving her crazy and shortly after they were spending more and more time together. I did not know how much I cared about her until my friend informed me that he was going to ask her out. I was completely crushed and did not know what to say. What was I going to do, suddenly tell her how I feel and risk losing a close friend to boot? The moral to this story is "SEIZE THE MOMENT!"


BTW, great idea you had here! I am glad you suggested it.