Yep! I've got high hopes but here's an issue that I brought up in another thread and think it would be great if we could all get together and discuss it. What it concerns is something that has been bothering me lately. Losing weight, first of all. Why should I be bothered since this is what my goal is? Well, it bothers me the thoughts that are going through my head. I'm thinking I'm gonna go nuts if I actually make it to something crazy like 130 lbs. I'm gonna dye my hair blonde, wear real jeans. Be an extrovert. Nothing wrong with that, right? Well I see there is. I just want to lose weight. I don't want to change. I want to be reliable and responsible. I still want to be everyones "sounding board". I don't want to start being the "center" of attention. I don't want the "cool" people to suddenly think I'm one of them, and let me in. I think I've learned so much being on the sidelines. I've made it through all of my life not getting "burnt". So when I lose all the weight....what will happen? Will I go nuts? And if I do.....is there something wrong with that, really? How can I keep the real me in its glass ball and still lose weight without breaking it? Will I suddenly develop split personality syndrome and call myself Laurel and Hardy in private conversations looking in the bathroom mirror? I'm planning on losing the weight. I'm dedicated to doing that. I owe it to myself. I need to lose this weight. I just don't want to lose myself on the way. I'd love to hear what others have to say.

I'm with you...and i knwo i've not lost all the weight i plan on losing, but i already notice that people treat me differently and different people acknowledge me....but i found that if you really stay who you are on the inside....that people will see that. I thought before that once i was a certain size...that i would be more confident..etc etc...and boy was i wrong....goodluck with your sucess....and dont worry about losing yourself

I lost weight before and I did become more extrovert. But it was so freeing. I was happier. Now I've gaind it all back and trying to lose it again. I want to be back to the freer happier state. It definitly did not make me less honest or less dependable or less of a sounding board for others. I have always and always will be drawn to the people that others ignore or make fun of. Even as a kid I always made frineds with the outcasts of the class and I was skinny then. Some of those people became my lifelong friends.

Have a great day!!

I have lost 83 pounds and boy did I become outgoing..but wait..I was outgoing before..and then I gained weight and stopped. S0, maybe I am just getting back to my old self? I do think you are more confidant, and so may stick out your hand more often, and smile more. But, I don't want to get out of control about it..and go overboard either!

Fascinating question, really. So many things come into play when I make drastic changes to my life. Weightloss will be one such drastic change for me. Do I want to remain the same? No. I don't know the whole me in the first place. I wouldn't be exactly the same person next year as I am this whether or not I gained or lost an ounce, just as I am not exactly the same this year as I was last. You say you've managed to get through life without getting burnt. I ask myself what role pure forgiveness will play as I relate differently to people who have, until now, not considered me good enough, attractive enough, Halle Berry enough for their tastes.

Who are those people? Surely they are not agents of Satan walking the earth; they are flawed people, just like me. Will I give them a chance if they now give me a chance? I guess I kind of hope so. Not because I'd want to join a club that didn't want me, but because there was really only ever one club.

As long as I am able to make a list of things I didn't do because I was fat, then I don't want to stay the same. Someone posted that kind of list a few weeks back, and I responded that there wasn't much that I'd kept myself from. But that's not exactly true. At the very least, there were all those times, all the hundreds and thousands of times, when I walked in public with my head held down in unconscious shame at my size. I hope as I lose weight, I begin to pick my head up. I want to take a chance on seeing myself as beautiful in someone else's eyes.

This is a really interesting comment. Thanks for opening the thread.

Having lost 105 pounds in the last couple of years and now resting at about 70 pounds down, I have a perspective on this affected me.

It has not affected how I treat others, how I care about others nor how I feel about others. But it has changed how others treat me. I am less "invisible" to some people. Not that it really matters, though, does it? Those people I really care about were happy for me and didn't change how we interacted.

By the way, I was married to an Egyptian and have been to Cairo a number of times.

It isn't about being part of a club or anything; it's about values. There are certain attitudes and beliefs, and behaviors that stem from them ("flaws" if you will), that are unforgiveable in my book, because they point to something truly ugly in the person who exhibits them. It isn't that I'm out for revenge or anything, but certain things get judged hard by me, and I seldom change my mind about the person afterwards, because people seldom change. As the saying goes, I can always lose weight, but certain people will always be dishonest, or mean spirited, or bigoted, or just plain *ssholes -- whatever it may be. I don't look on it as my place to forgive such people; neither do I consider it my place to try to get even (although if the opportunity throws itself at me...). But I do try to see them for what they are, and know what they are about. People who have an unusual double standard about weight (everyone has some double standards, so it has to be a matter of degree) probably have even worse issues lurking under the surface, and I have no desire to be "burned" by them, as the OP put it.

I find as I lose weight ( or WAS losing weight...<sigh> ) I became LESS outgoing and more self-conscious. I started to panic at losing my identity as the "Jolly Fat Lady".

It's hard work to forge a new identity on the outside, while staying "you" on the inside. I've seen people lose weight and forget where they came from, passing judgement on those of us still struggling. I've also seen people who've lost a lot of weight and just disappeared... being too good for their old "fat friends" and accusing us of "jealousy" when we ask why she doesn't have time for us anymore... or even more humiliating, pretending not to KNOW me when I ran into her out on a date, like she was ashamed. Maybe they were jerks before, but didn't feel they could do better, friendwise, until they lost weight to fit in with "normal" people? Who knows.

OOps there goes another rubber tree plant!

I just love the posts about how others change themselves concerning us and we stay the same. That's so true. and I really wonder if ppl in private call me "the jolly fat lady"? That hurts. I think Kwikdriver hit it dead on when he said its about values. Yes. That's what I'm at. Maybe I'll be happier, readier to greet ppl....able to actually smile and wave at friends....that can change.....but my values are mine. Won't step down on my principles. But I have to say Joanee's take on the pure forgiveness is a little too spiritual for me. It's wonderful.....but I wonder if I have the ability to be so forgiving?? I still have an issue about those sorts of ppl ignoring me before and now suddenly being so very interested in me. I think like what's been said, it's the inside of me that stays the same. I plan on letting my body be MINE when I lose weight.......not planning to all of a sudden become cheap since everyone is buying. Nope....I'm in supply and demand mode........It's kind of an aphrodisiac when you know the demand is great....but I'm holding all the cards!!

I think you will change as far as your self esteem goes which is a good thing. I feel better about who I am now than I did a few weeks ago just because I am making a difference and for now at least my body is responding. I think the self confidence and sense of personal achievement you will feel will change the way you see yourself.

BUT I think if your concerned about your personality changing and you not being the sensitive sounding board kind of a friend then you have no need to worry. The fact that it means enough to you to be concerned about it shows the soul you have on the inside and that is beautiful and will NOT CHANGE fat, thin, or otherwise.

KimNWI

As

Hi, Krusty,

Glad to see you made it to TDC--I hope you find it to be a as warm, welcoming, and insightful a part of this journey as have I.

I liked your comment, Hummelda:


I would have to say I struggled with some of the same issues, and I dealt with them by hiding. Very BRAVE of me, yes? I tend to wear long dresses, and sometimes layer them with an underdress/jumper combo. Through on a pair of tights and an underslip, wear a shawl over my shoulders (okay, so the climate here is a leeettle cooler than Cairo,) and nobody could see WHAT was happening under all those clothes.

And when I was ready, I came out from under. I was spotted at a play last night wearing *gasp* jeans out in public. And a few friends commented that they've never seen me wearing pants before, and one said to another, "She's doing Atkins, too." (Both were LCing now themselves.) And that was it, and it was fine.

My weight loss is not transforming me into a movie-star glam-type person. I still have the same friends, and they are happy for me, and my kids are thrilled, and a year from now probably no one will even remember or care much because life will have rolled on and my lower weight will be the new normal.

I needed to make a safe zone for myself while I lost the weight, because I felt vulnerable to the wrong comments. (Example (when much younger): having a semi-stranger come up to me, stare directly at my breasts and say, "Don't get TOO small." Sigh. The jerks will always be among us.)

I've also been exercising, both with water aerobics and martial arts, and I think that has increased my confidence and boundaries.

I got on the scale this morning, and the awaited number had arrived: I am now down 50 pounds. The small voice whispered, "Halfway home."

Yeah. What she said.

I saw a familiar face yesterday, one I haven't seen for a long time, the same one on my college ID photo. Said, "Hey. I know you." And I admired the fit of my jeans. I'm starting to look a wee bit leggy. I remember her--me. And it felt good, really good, to see the possibilities slowly emerging.

Where am I going with this? The point I'm trying to make is, maybe when you lose weight, you'll find the real you, a blend of the health and vigor and shapeliness you once had, and the wisdom and compassion you have forged.

For me, weight hasn't been a non-issue, as it has for some, so what I say here may not be true for anyone else. But for me, it's been a labyrinth, in which I have struggled for years. I see daylight, and I'm moving towards it.

I wonder...

I know there ARE people, the "cool" people, who judge others and only deem certain people acceptable. But... I wonder how much of being "invisible" is them excluding US, or our own need to hide? The more confidence we get, the more visable and outgoing we become and the more we start feeling that we belong to the world every BIT as much as anyone else?

OOps, wrong answer...so I'll answer this better now that I have to time to think more clearly...

Okay, believe it or not, you think that suddenly you will have more attention and you won't know how to deal with it, but you really don't. You have less attention because you look no differently than anyone else and that's a good thing! When you are heavier, you stand out and all eyes are on you, but the smaller you get, the less attention you get because to them you are 'normal'. But, the difference is that you won't ever be like them because you've lived on both sides of the fence. So, when someone is laughing in your presence at someone heavy, you'll correct them. When someone doesn't speak to someone overweight and acts like they are filthy, smelly and not worth lviing, you'll reach out to that person because you know how it feels and you'll be able to recognize how they are coping with being the one that stands out. You'll know how they feel and can relate and so you'll be the friend that YOU KNOW they need. You'll know because you've been there.

How do you "lose" yourself? Aren't you always YOU?

I always have to take a second look at people who change when they have lost weight. I've had friends who have lost massive amounts of weight, and never speak to me anymore- because I still need to lose, because I'm not as skinny as their new friends?

To me, I think it would be a test of how shallow I am, when I get to that point, but my best friend of 13 years is 5'2" and weighs probably 220 lbs. I love her dearly, and she's happy how she is. Why would I stop being her friend because I finally weigh less than she does?

The people you love should love you for who you are. You should love them for who they are. And if you wish to indulge on activities from the greener side of the fence, as it were, then don't forget your roots, and don't forget who the people who love you truly are

That's pretty much what I was getting at when I said that there was only one club all along.
[QUOTE]It isn't about being part of a club or anything; it's about values. There are certain attitudes and beliefs, and behaviors that stem from them ("flaws" if you will), that are unforgiveable in my book, because they point to something truly ugly in the person who exhibits them. It isn't that I'm out for revenge or anything, but certain things get judged hard by me, and I seldom change my mind about the person afterwards, because people seldom change. As the saying goes, I can always lose weight, but certain people will always be dishonest, or mean spirited, or bigoted, or just plain *ssholes -- whatever it may be. I don't look on it as my place to forgive such people; neither do I consider it my place to try to get even (although if the opportunity throws itself at me...). But I do try to see them for what they are, and know what they are about. People who have an unusual double standard about weight (everyone has some double standards, so it has to be a matter of degree) probably have even worse issues lurking under the surface, and I have no desire to be "burned" by them, as the OP put it. /QUOTE]

I totally agree, Kwikdriver -- it is about values. There are ugly values at work when some people act as though I just exist to be a set decoration on their fantasy movie set. If I'm attractive enough, I get to decorate the set, but if I'm not attractive enough, I have to leave because I'm messing up their view. And you are also right to point out that it is a matter of degree. I can never befriend the Shallow Hals and Paris Hiltons of the world. But if I work at it, I think I can forgive them. Once you see them for what they are and forgive them for it, you can no longer be burned by them.