Although I have never been an alcoholic, I have suffered through addiction. I was addicted to Heroin for many years and finally got on methadone to stop. This addiction proved harder to beat than heroin. At some point in time I started on crystal meth and so found myself hooked on two opposing drugs. I too hated my addiction and hated the drugs yet continued powerless to stop.
It seemed like wherever I went, I would always find people like myself. I moved to 3 different states and always found myself entrenched in the drug culture to some degree or another.
During this time, I ended up in a relationship where my boyfreind decided to go to church and become a christian. I was not impressed but went with him anyway. I didn't get much out of it and the relationship ended. I wasn't happy about this so decided to go to church just to see if I'd run into him.
I wasn't driving at the time so had to wait for a bus but unknown to me, the buses were not running on this day. I sent up a quick little prayer (with no faith behind it whatsoever) "God, if you're really there, please get someone to stop and offer me a lift".
Well, no sooner had I spoken these words, a car slowed down as it went past the bus stop with a woman peering out at me. The car swung over, did a u-turn and pulled up in front of me. The lady had her 2 tweenage kids in the car and said "oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were a friend that might need a lift to church"
Suffice it to say, I decided at that moment that there was a God and that God was listening to me. From that point things began to change - slowly.
I still struggled with my addictions, yet I knew that God could help me. It didn't happen overnight, In fact I even had times of going to church while on methamphetamines. It was a difficult, difficult time. I knew I wanted off these drugs and yet it was soooo hard. I was weak!
I wish I could say that God delivered my from my addictions overnight when I gave my life to Christ but for me it didn't happen that way. It took almost a year of struggling, weeping and crying out.
I met my husband online while going through all this. He was in the US and I in Australia. We began a freindship and finally he came over to meet me. I told him everything about my past (and present) and he accepted everything. He was also a christian.
He went back to the US for a while before we married and I ended up coming off the methadone and the methamphetamines - It was a nightmare.
Each day I would pray weeping and begging for release from the agony I was going through. I fought against the desire to get drugs and turned to God for mercy in getting me through this. I spoke to my now husband each day and enlisted his support. I also had my new friend from the bus stop who was there for me. She was amazing and we continue to be great friends to this day.
I had to get rid of all the people from my past or risk going back down. It was hard as I lived in a block of units that had 2 meth dealers I'd previously dealt with each day.
To top all this off I was still holding down my job. Amazingly, I was able to tell my immediate team leader I was getting off methadone - which is a legal substance (I didn't mention the methamphetamines) so he understood my lethargy, cramps etc.
Anyway, I'm getting off track, the point is, I wasn't able to do it on my own. I surrounded myself with people who were willing to support me, including the wonderful man who is now my husband. I turned to God for His strength and His comfort.
I don't know if you have faith in God but if you don't, consider asking him for his help. What do you have to lose?
Also, you must have at least one person you can trust and confide in to help you get through this. You have to make a decision and jump in.
You may find yourself falling off the wagon but when you do, just GET BACK ON IT. If you stay down you'll only feel worse and it will be harder to get back up. Don't beat yourself up, just get up!
Nothing will make this an easy journey for you, it will be an uncomfortable and painful struggle but one that will be worth it in the long run. Go to a doctor and see what meds you can get to ease the discomfort and prevent possible fits.
You are worth more than this. You are a woman of worth and substance, don't let alcohol steal you away. YOU CAN DO IT even though it feels like you can't.
I have now been clean for about 5 and half years. I have 2 beautiful daughters and have been married for 5.
Every now and then I still have dreams about my past but I am well and truly over it. I don't crave or desire any of the crap from my past. When I get those dreams now, I wake up grateful that it was just a dream!
Stay straight long enough and it gets easier and easier. Eventually, those cravings are a dim memory.
I know it's been said before, but if I can do, you can bet your butt you can do it too!
I'm sorry if this post has gone on so long but I just hope to have been able to encourage you into believing that sobriety is not only possible, but an absolute certainty for your life.
God Bless you