I have always had anorexic tendancies, and would embrace them for a little while then shuck them off ouf of fear of "becoming one of those". It is amazing how much control we can honestly have over our lives if we try.

Anyway, the closer and closer I get to goal, the more and more I desire to lose more. I just don't know if I will EVER be happy and satisfied. I can go without eating for a while because honestly lately ~ i am just not intrested.

I really don't know why I am putting this out here. Maybe just to see if anyone else has been where I am right now, and what do you do with it?

Your post concerns me. With your history of anorexia and your loss of interest in food....I wonder if there is someone in your support community with whom you would feel comfortable sharing this with.

I am sending a hug!

Thanks Bookworm. I think though that was an "emotional outburst" that I am really embarassed about sharing. UGH. I do however feel better. Perhaps it was hormonal.

Sheila....it is a wonderful feeling to not be hungry after always finding myself in the kitchen, the control I have over my eating is addictive for sure, the success with weight loss is also addictive. What do you really want a size, a number on the scale and can you get there and still have a healthy body?
Is it a healthy response or an emotional response, they can be very different...I feel for you, and understand your confusion. It is a very difficult decision to make...how do we take "good care" of the only body we will ever have.'

Scotiagirl

Glad you are feeling better and "glad-er" that you shared. A friend of mine who is in AA encouraged me to get group support. She said if I do this alone I will just keep doing what I know. I am happy you bounced your feeling in a place that you feel safe.

My relationship with food has given me the most ups and downs. Hope you continue to feel better!

I actually fasted for 6 days a week, feasted one (yeah, binge) .. continued that cycle for 4 months, got to 150 pounds (ideal weight) just to snap and go back on regular atkin's and and start gaining on zero carb due to a crushed metabolism. In my experience your metabolism is truely getting worse and worse after each "crash diet", partly due to muscle loss and partly due to the fact your metabolism is regulating depending on your caloric intake.

So, in every aspect it's totally not worth it and it's a vicious cycle.

If you want to lose the last bit, start counting calories, exercise more or whatever. keep it reasonable.

sheila, i can totally relate. when we started our journeys a year ago, i told my hubby to stop me if i started to look too thin. he laughed at me.

but the reality is, i think i honestly have a distorted view of my body. when i see myself in the mirror, or when i look down towards my toes, i think, "god what a fatass i am! i'm so gross!" but when i see a picture of me, i'm like, "wow, i'm actually tiny!" point being, i could totally see myself getting too thin because i have this warped view of myself.

i think the key for me is to have people around me who are objective about how i look and who are not afraid to tell me to get my head out of my ass. lemme know if you need someone like that to be your objective admirer.

I swear to god, everybody are just saying I shouldn't lose anymore to please me. feels that way at least

I find that when I get depressed...the only thing I feel like I can control is my eating....so I don't eat.

I truly believe that after 4 years of losing weight...I have sort of a self induced eating disorder...as I call it.
I find that for me...there is a fine line between being in control and being out of control...meaning there is a fine line between being on track with myself and my eating...and having an eating disorder.

Now that I realize it...and realize that I truly do become ill if I dont eat enough....I have more control over it.

My DH makes me tell him what I've eaten all day....because when he realized I wasn't eating he totally freaked.
The one thing I've done to overcome it is to start riding my bike pretty much on a daily basis. This way my focus is more on exercising and FEELING better than it is on the stupid scale.

I had a meltdown the other night. Over food. I am definately in a creepy place, still. I shockingly got into a size 4 this past weekend in some Levi's. That is my dream size... yet I am not yet happy.

*sigh*

Crease ` I definately get the whole "distorted image" thing. I am so there. I can't SEE me at the size I am , even in pics. I mean sure, I see it, but not really like others see it.

Ah, the ole distored body image thing! I can remember weighing 205 lbs, getting dressed for family pictures and thinking DA^* I look good, only to get the pictures back and see the reality. Now that I'm hovering around the 135 mark I almost never look in the mirror and think DA^* I look good. Why do our minds do that to us??? One of the great mysteries of life. Pictures help you to see the reality of where you are now. Don't shy away from the camera.

As far as the anorexia, might I suggest some counseling??? It is very difficult to lose and then maintain the loss without being somewhat obsessive about eating, tracking, planning etc. A counselor should be able to help you find a balance.

We are with you. Vent away any time you need to.
Barb