Today I was lucky enough to have several people comment on how "skinny" or "thin" I am looking, which was nice but I noticed a disturbing fact...I still feel big. I can barely accept these compliments without the inner critic calling me out as a fraud. I know this voice is not my friend and that the ego loves feelings of inferiority but even with all that so called knowledge I am walking around feeling fat and not enjoying my new found weight loss (about 18 pounds in two months! Pretty good, right?) I seem to have tunnel vision to my "problem" areas e.g. stomach as I just had a 9 pound baby 4 months ago and evidently I now hate my thighs for some reason. I know that if I can't love myself now (150), I won't love myself when I reach some magical number (135) because that same inner critic will still be running the show. Interestingly, I am now at the weight I got to a year after having my 3 year old daughter and said if I ever got back there I would appreciate it THIS time. So I kind of have an obligation to myself to come to a place of satisfaction, or dare I say it, appreciation of my body, before I am old and infirm!

So I guess I am looking to others to see how you've overcome your inner critic once you've gotten nearer to your goals?

I am much nicer to myself now than I used to be. But I think part of that was being fat for so many years (like 15) and maybe from just being older (41). It did help me a lot, though, to look at tons of pictures of fat women. I think we, as a culture, tend to avoid looking at fat people as much as possible. And I realized that I wasn't comfortable looking at fat people. I didn't even really know what fat people looked like. And all that led to me feeling like I was the only one going through this and looking this way. I felt like a total freak, and like nobody else's body resembled mine.

I doubt you were even what most people would call "fat" at your highest weight, so I don't know if that would resonate with you at all. But you should definitely take a look at shape of a mother. I found it after I had my first son and oddly, I felt like my body had fared quite well. Now I've had a second little one, and omg, I'm so happy to know I'm not the only one! If I could choose it, I'd like to have the belly and the breasts I had at 19, but I am very awed by what my belly and breasts have done (I've nursed for six years now, and that is worth so much more to me than not being able to carry a pencil under my breast!), and I don't regret what I put them through for a moment.

I hope you're able to come to terms with it. You deserve to feel good about yourself!

i feel fatter than ever

I used to have horrible feelings of being fat when I was super-slim in my teens. It really limited my lifestyle, as I lived near the water, and friends would go waterskiing etc. but I was too self-conscious to take off my clothes. In my twenties, I did gain a little weight, and decided to go swimming to lose it. I had to absolutely force myself to go to the swimming pool initially, and felt dreadful waddling out on my fat legs (as I saw them then) under my swimming costume, but over time those feelings changed, until I was able to accept myself the way I was - big or small. It didn't affect my desire to achieve/maintain a healthy weight, but it brought me a lot more happiness and the ability to enjoy life to the full, including water-skiing.

I know this sounds like psycho-speak, but I once tried Cognitive Behaviour Therapy to combat inappropriate feelings, and it worked really well for me. I had to write down the automatic thoughts, then write down a rational response. This very quickly changed the way I thought and I stopped having the irrational thoughts in the first place. My irrational thoughts were nothing to do with my body-image, but here is an example of how the technique might work for that:

Thought: I am so fat and ugly and disgusting.
Rational response: I am a lot more than just overweight. I have a personality, a sense of humour, intelligence and am able to enjoy life. It would be great to lose weight and I can keep trying to find the best method, however, just because I am overweight, it doesn't mean I need to look ugly. I can make the most of my appearance so I still look attractive. I can choose clothes which flatter. I can avoid people who make unkind remarks which make me feel worse and choose to be around people who find me attractive. Anything can be disgusting when viewed from the wrong angle. I choose to view myself from a flattering angle, and see the nice things about myself.

I am not sure if that would help anyone, but the technique worked amazingly for me. I did write it all down though. Thinking it just isn't the same.

I agree completely with Kirsteen...cognitive behavioural therapy has really helped me in the past. The "cognitive" bit is UNDERSTANDING what is going on with your brain when you have these negative thoughts, and the "behavioural" bit is actually taking an action to rectify it. If you can, get some therapy. There is nothing to be ashamed of, no reason to feel that there is something "wrong" with you for seeking help. We all need help sometimes. Therapists really do want to help you and they've heard it all...nothing you say will freak them out. Good luck!

Thanks to everyone for your kind responses. I have been feeling much better about my body and I think addressing the negative thinking head on helped a lot. Therapy will be a "on the table" if it seems to come back with any frequency for sure. I'll hit the library for now to get some books on the subject!

Just a quick update that I am down to 147.6! The BMI chart finally says normal for my weight after YEARS! I know it's silly and not a reliable measurement but I still prefer seeing the word normal vs. overweight.

Get a nice body lotion - see? Oatmeal IS good for something. Just not eating - and slather it on your smaller limbs. FEEL the size, memorize the way your hand curves easily around the smaller surfaces instead of being mostly open. Do this for yourself every day. Luxuriate in your body, the way your body feels, and how healthy you are.

Oh, and HELL YES on the cognitive therapy. Works wonders.

I know we have a filter in our brains that does not show us reality.

I fell off the wagon one stressful winter; I was doing things like wearing my old & baggy corduroys all the time. I actually remember wondering "Did I get the new ones in the wrong size?" when I'd try them my new ones on and they would button but not fit. And I knew I was buying pasta and frozen dinners... and eating them.

But NONE of it sank in until I got out my spring clothes. Maybe because I was ready, then?

Glad you're feeling better, Colipdx. Wow! Congrats of hitting that "normal" weight. That is such a great achievement. You look lovely in your picture, and at that weight, you must look reasonably good in or out of clothes.

WereBear, I decided tonight that I have the opposite of anorexia, in that I am in denial about how much weight I gained after 2 years off the diet. I knew I had gained a little, but thought I still didn't look too bad. I was so happy to be back on the diet, that I asked my mum if it already showed, and her reaction (not wanting to look at my fatness, lol) made me realise that I am a lot fatter than I think, hahahaha. I don't want to weigh because I got hooked on the scales the last time, and it kinda became the main focus, so this time, I am not going to weigh myself, so that the focus will be on my health and well-being, and long-term sustenance of the diet. Meantime I feel great being in denial and on a diet - it's the best of both worlds

I totally get the "hooked on the scale" as I am it! I have been pondering lately how I spend WAY too much time thinking about my weight - how much I've gained or lost (both in the long and short term) and how much I want to lose as if I have control over what my body will do! I can avoid carbs but ultimately the rate at which I lose weight is totally up to my body to decide. I still find myself doing these mental calculations throughout the day such as "I've been losing ___ lbs a month so far, so forecasting outward, I should be at goal by December 2011..." It is completely shallow and borderline obsessive in nature. I thought this morning - I can't wait to not think about my weight any longer! It is becoming my hobby of sorts - tracking, planning, worrying, fantasizing and either enjoying or fretting at any given moment. I am having success right now but sabotage is the common answer to great results. 21 pounds lost = pancakes at IHOP! Really???? You betcha. They were good but I felt a little sick afterwards and went home to fall into a carb coma. Now begins the fretting about how long I will have to eat clean to undo that meal? 3-4 days to get back to my lowest weight and into lower weight territory. This does not feel like a Zen way to live or how a peaceful contented person would behave.

I see things like getting "hooked on the scale" and "rewarding ourselves for low carb success with high carb food" as placeholders.

These are the things we think about instead of what really matters. We are distracting ourselves with side issues instead of looking squarely at the reality of changing our eating habits forever.

Perhaps it's because I'm looking at my own last ten pounds; and these pounds are a recent development. Twice now I've reliably lost double digits of weight, down to 165, at which point I've dropped to size ten pants and I look really good. (I'm 5'7" with swimmer shoulders and long arms and legs that help counterbalance having actual hips

And that's on easy Maintenance, with, to be honest, occasional "cheats." I've lived most of my time on low carb at this very place (six out of seven years) and it's good. No question.

But my Winter Before Last of Pasta Indulgence and No-Surprise-Here Weight Gain changed my head. I realized that, given enough stress, I'm still a stress-eater. And while in the grip of stress-eating, certain parts of my brain don't work. When it comes to food and my rationalizations, I make no sense at all and I do it anyway.

At such times I don't see myself as I really am; any more than I see such decisions as what they really are.