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  #1   ^
Old Fri, May-01-15, 15:21
2girlsmema's Avatar
2girlsmema 2girlsmema is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 393
 
Plan: LCHF
Stats: 349/299/149 Female 5' 4"
BF:
Progress: 25%
Location: Cincinnati, OH
Default I'm not good at making up post titles...

I keep writing and deleting. Too many thoughts and emotions messing with my head; too many words filling the page to try and explain away my situation. I've finally decided the only thing to do is just say it. I went off plan at the beginning of February. I had been doing so well - steadily losing weight and even though no outward signs of success had shown yet, I was beginning to feel really good about myself. Then my downward slide began with an injury to my hand in late January.Though painful and lasting many weeks, it was just the beginning of a chain reaction of events. Now it is months later, and I have not pulled myself out of this pit. I have gained back several pounds I'd lost. I hurt in ways I would not wish on anyone - not just physically but emotionally as well. It no longer matters why I went off plan - what the situation was, how bad it got, or why it continued. And when I say it doesn't matter, what I mean is, the excuses don't matter. It does matter very much that I let things go so off-course. I ask myself, what is wrong with me? Why is it that I can go 6, 7, 8 days perfectly on plan and then on the 9th day I go crazy? Why is it that I still let my emotions dictate how I eat? After almost 30 years of pain, misery and self-loathing, WHY can I not GET A GRIP and take control of my life? I tell myself it is time. It is time to finally be the person I've always wanted to be. I tell myself this every night. And every day I fall down again.

Years ago when I lived in Florida, I had an awesome doctor. Not long after I turned 50 (and was feeling so old - ha) I was sitting in her office, crying about my inability to lose weight. I remember saying to her, "At the rate I am going, I will be 60 before I lose all this weight!" She said, "So what if it does take you until you are 60? Then you will still have the rest of your life to be healthy and living well." Well, guess what? I will be 60 in 2 months. And I weigh even more than I did that day; more than I ever have before. I am so disappointed in myself. Months ago, I thought I had it figured out. I knew there were obstacles in my way (current health, living situation, etc.) but the one obstacle I didn't see coming was ME. It turns out that I am my worst enemy.

I don't want to continue like this. I need to find a way to pull myself out of this and move on. That is why I am sharing this very painful and private part of myself with you. If it helps someone else get back on track, that would be great. But I would be lying if I didn't say, I pray it helps me get back on track too. Obviously, I'm not going to hit the "60" part of the doctor's answer. But I'm still holding out for the "healthy and living well" part.
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  #2   ^
Old Fri, May-01-15, 16:05
bluesinger's Avatar
bluesinger bluesinger is offline
Doing My Best
Posts: 4,924
 
Plan: LC/CancerRecovery
Stats: 170/135/130 Female 62 inches
BF:24%
Progress: 88%
Location: Nevada Desert, USA
Default You're not the only one

I'm bad at making up titles, too. Most of the time I just leave it blank.

I started not to post anything after I read your post because I don't want to say the wrong thing, say something that makes you feel worse. But I couldn't just let you think that you're alone.

I can't tell you how many times I've done exactly the same things you describe. Sometimes what's in my head is so miserable that I turn to food as my comforting friend. It seems to be the only thing (except the dog) that always makes me feel better - until knowing "I've done it again" makes me feel worse. Sometimes food feels like the enemy. But it isn't. It's just fuel to keep my body going.

I'm 10 years ahead of you in age and I've tried all my life to be "normal." I've yo-yoed with the best of em'! One day a switch clicked in my brain and I swore to myself (there's nobody else to tell) that I wouldn't be riding on a scooter in the grocery store. I'd be walking. It isn't easy, but I'm doing my best and that's all any of us can do.

Please look around the forum and find a WOE that suits you - and you can always change. Since I arrived here a short time ago I have. I started with Atkins, now I'm staying in ketosis and doing IF. I've lost weight for the first time in 6 years.

I'm so glad you came to this forum, as there are some of the nicest people on the Planet here. And you're right, "The only time we have is now."
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  #3   ^
Old Fri, May-01-15, 17:18
2girlsmema's Avatar
2girlsmema 2girlsmema is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 393
 
Plan: LCHF
Stats: 349/299/149 Female 5' 4"
BF:
Progress: 25%
Location: Cincinnati, OH
Default

Hi Glenda,

You needn't have worried about saying the wrong thing! It means a lot to have you share your experiences. It's true that I was feeling alone - as if everybody else had it all figured out and I was the only one struggling. Ridiculous, I know! I've been a member here since November, and I even have a journal. But one of our friends here suggested that perhaps I needed to share in other places. It helped being able to let out some of the stuff I've been holding onto. Thank you for your kind words of support!
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  #4   ^
Old Fri, May-01-15, 18:43
livinright livinright is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 2,023
 
Plan: Atkins
Stats: 264/158/125 Female 64inches
BF:
Progress: 76%
Location: Florence, KY
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by 2girlsmema
- as if everybody else had it all figured out and I was the only one struggling. Ridiculous, I know!


Some people do have it figured out (or think they do) but trust me, we all struggle, most every day. Even the ones who only post positive "I got this down" "life is all rainbows stuff."
I was reading a thread earlier that showed people maintaining for years who are finding themselves struggling with the strait and narrow.
Heck, I cussed out a pop-tart that my son left laying on the TV stand today. (I don't even like them, but they've been the start of many past fails)

You mention falling off plan after so many days.... Are you eating enough? I know I get horrible cravings if I try to be too restrictive with amounts.

If it's truly emotional eating, try eating as much on-plan food as you need to get through it. Not a perfect plan, but it eliminates the physical return of cravings that sugar and grains create. Over time, you'll learn new ways to deal with your emotions, other than food, and you'll be less inclined to eat for emotional reasons. (You're working on progress, not perfection on this stuff)
I keep homemade frozen dinners and LC grab and eat foods on hand. It makes food choices easier when I'm not thinking so clearly.

Something that might also help is breaking things down into small chunks.
Hopefully I'll eat this way forever. But forever is a bit overwhelming, especially in the early days. I commit to "just today", every morning and at every meal/bite. we can do ANYTHING for just one day! and that's where it starts. (I'm approaching day 800 of being 100% on plan, so there's something to that one day at a time thing)
I also broke down my weight loss goals into 10 and sometimes 5 pound increments. Thinking about the total amount seemed so huge and frustrating and it would take me FOREVER. By just focusing on those small chunks, I was able to make that time fly by. (in hindsight that is. still felt like forever some days)

You've got this! Reread your post...... You sound like you're done making and accepting excuses from yourself. And it sounds like you're ready to take responsibility for your actions and your food choices.

That's a huge step! Most people never get there. There's always an excuse. Or it's someone elses fault. Or they "had no choice". Trust me, we have a choice of what we eat. Sometimes that choice isn't our favorite choice and sometimes the choice is choosing to wait to eat until we have acceptable foods available. But we still have a choice.

Jeez, that turned into a rambling book.
Day 1 starts right this minute, if you chose it.
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  #5   ^
Old Fri, May-01-15, 19:01
2girlsmema's Avatar
2girlsmema 2girlsmema is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 393
 
Plan: LCHF
Stats: 349/299/149 Female 5' 4"
BF:
Progress: 25%
Location: Cincinnati, OH
Default

It wasn't rambling, it was great. I appreciate you taking the time to respond. 800 days? That's amazing! I will surely keep in mind your comments and suggestions. Thank you so much, Christina.
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