- and I am sincerely hoping it is for the last time.
(sorry this is a little long...)
I have, like many of us, I suppose.....been on and off of LC many times. For whatever reason, around the 25 pound loss mark, I usually take a day off for some reason or other (it's my birthday, or it's a holiday, etc). Well, instead of taking a special meal off, I'll take the entire day off. Then that day turns into a week, which turns into a month, and then I'm planning my new "start" date for many months,.........
So, (after all these attempts), I get that part.... I'm addicted to carbs, so I can't take time off or it will take me forever to get back on.
The part that I haven't fully figured out yet, is that the last time I was on LC (about a year ago), I was actually very successful. I had passed my critical 25 pound marker, and had lost over 45 pounds. I was doing so well. Everyone was commenting on how great I looked; I felt great, I had absolutely NO desire to cheat (even for a holiday). Then a very odd thing happened, something that I still can't completely understand. I got scared. Yes, I got scared that I was losing weight. Ever since I had my kids and put on all this weight (for 18 years), I have been dreaming of the day that I would finally lose the weight. And here I was, finally doing it. And I got so scared that I quit! After much soul searching, I think I've isolated some of the reasons I felt that way, but I still don't fully understand them. (I see a therapist for anxiety, and I've discussed these issues with him as well). I know I felt very uneasy about all of the increased attention I was getting from other men (even though, on one hand, I was actually very flattered). I am married (but my husband and I were separated for part of this time.) I was also worried because my breasts were getting smaller. I mean, I've been a large chested woman since I was a teenager, even when I was thin. It was like I was losing my identity. I couldn't believe it when the salesperson would tell me that I needed to try on a smaller size. And sometimes, I just couldn't get myself to actually believe that it was true. Am I really going down sizes? Can I really fit into that dress, those pants...? I was getting upset by things that people would say- things like "Oh, what a beautiful person was hiding underneath all that weight...." things along those lines. Of course, they were rude, but I'm sure they didn't mean it that way. It still hurt though, and I even think perhaps I was actually scared of becoming one of those rude, thin people myself. (although I don't know why...I was thin before, and I never judged people based on their size). My therapist and I discussed this and he said that it sometimes takes people awhile to get used to being thinner. I truly had no idea that I would feel this way. And it took me awhile to figure out the real reason I wanted my weight loss to stop.
Whatever it was, I sabotaged myself, because I did stop. For about 6 months, I stayed at the same weight, and then slowly but surely, I got out of control with portion sizes and put 30 pounds back on.
I've been planning my new "re-start" date now for at least 2 months, since I've tried to wrap my head around why I was so scared about losing weight in the first place. I definitely don't want to get back to my highest weight.
So, here I am again. Trying to drag myself back on again, and hoping to get back on track, and be able to handle the mental/emotional part of it this time, when I hopefully start losing again.
Anyone who can help me with tips on dealing with the "mental" part of this journey? That advice would most certainly be appreciated, as I embark on this journey yet again, a little older, but hopefully, a little wiser.........