I think my husband is goign through something ~ either because of teh weight he has gained over the past several years, or the weight I have dropped the last several months. Why does he say hateful mean things to me, then try to make me feel guilty when I get mad?! AUGH

In my experience, it usually indicts insecurity in themselves.

Lisa

yeah I know, but man I wish it came with a cushion to protect from the blow.

I know that my husband is very insecure since I've lost weight. I guess it signals to them that we are looking elsewhere. I'm not looking for another man, the one I have is bad enough! Geez! I'm doing this for my health. Body image is just a bonus.

I totally get that

Lisa

Why? Because he's a man. I think they all do that. I know mine does.

I picked up a book somewhere about marriage and weight loss - it addressed these problems specifically and looked really good. My husband and I don't have this problem, but we have known couples where the wife losing weight triggered jealousy and ultimately divorce. I guess I get a little nervous about losing to a normal weight because we've observed it, which is why I picked up the book. But, luckily, I don't think it will be an issue for us, bt my husband is normal-weight so I guess there is not that competitive aspect.

Here's the link: http://www.amazon.com/Weight-Sex-Ma...24013232&sr=1-1

Anyway, it sounds like your husband's behavior is really common.

I am so sorry that you are feeling hurt. It's hard to feel safe in a marriage when you don't know what is going to be said and whether you need to be wearing flameproof undies.

If you can, and believe me I know how hard this is to do, the next time he says something that upsets you make yourself go dead calm and ask him why he said that. I did this with my ex-husband. (His constant hurling of insults is one reason I made him my ex.) A few times of this made it apparent to both of us why he was saying the things he was saying.

The whole "when you say _____ I feel ______" or "when you say ______ then I interpret that as ______" is honestly a good way to get at the root of the problem.

You might find that he just needs some assurance. Or you might find he's honestly just a dumb man who has no clue how what he says affects you. Or you might find that he's honestly intending to hurt you. Or you might find that you are honestly being overly sensitive. But the big thing is you find out what is going on and can then decide what to do about the issue.

On the rare occasions one of us has said something to the other that hurt, particularly if it was said in anger, DH and I go straight to asking why the other person said it. I think this is one of the reasons it is such a rare occasion -- both of us learn about ourselves and each other.