Please excuse my confession/rant/venting....
Depressed maniac on the loose.


Bad I am. Disgusting. Repulsive. (((((FAT)))))) Ugly. Pig. Gross.

my ED is out of control. *I* am out of control. I'm purging up to three times a day now. Binging once a day or every other day at the most. I disgust myself. every day I say to myself that I am going to follow this low-carb plan and every day i fail. i don't know what to do anymore. i dont know what else to try.

I am tempted to try to starve myself again and go cold turkey - forge this low-carb stuff, despite the unhealthy results; then i WILLlose weight, and when i've reached my goal weight, that's when i can try to start eating right again. But what is my goal anyway? It's not just to weigh less, but to feel better about what I weigh... and to eat right. And that's a long time coming. if it's coming at all.

the bathroom scale lies. i weighed myself on it the other day and i was 112. today i was 109. no way that is right. if anything i have gained, not lost. but why can't I wear my khakis anymore without a belt? doesn't make sense. i am so gross.

i dont want to live like this. i hate this.

the sad thing is, i'm not even really trying to get better. i mean, maybe i'm trying a little.. but not whole-heartedly. it takes too much effort. and i dont even know if it is worth it. if my ED gets better i might gain weight. i dont want that.

i am a sad sight to see.

but there are worse ppl off. i am no big deal. not a big problem. it can be worked out. easy. dont worry about it.

i'm fine.

really.

I wish I had some helpful advice. I can come up with just this: Get thee to thy therapist.

Hope you felt somewhat better after ranting. Hang in there.

Dear Pickles. Unless you are under 4'10" you don't need to lose weight. you don't need Low carb. You do need to see a doctor immediately.

You may be bloating up because your body is desperately trying to keep you alive! Don't ignore your body's signals.


Please, please get to your doctor. Go to the Emergency Room of a hospital and show them the post above. Call a hotline for eating disorders. You seem to know a lot about them and recognize that you are in trouble, PLEASE act on that knowledge and do the right thing - see a doctor. Tell a parent or friend.

I have to urge you to get professional help: and ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE HELPED. Get some love, let people who love you show you they love you.

My daughter, who at this moment is at a healthy weight, has struggled with anorexia/bulimia for the last five years (she is now 20). I got her all the help I could and loved the heck out of her.

But just like I have to resolve to lose my significant excess weight, she has to find it within herself to be at a healthy weight. Nothing helped her until she was ready to be helped.

You don't need to lose weight and a part of you, the healthy part, knows it.

Love yourself. Love yourself. Love yourself.

Thanks everyone for your support and concern,

But I really am okay. I'm 5'2 and my weight is normal, if not a little over the average. Besides, I am in counseling... my counselor knows I have eating issues. We've talked about it. It just hasn't gotten better... I dunno....

It's not really that big of a deal.

Pickles honey,

You told us that your ED is out of control. Purging up to 3 times a day means you are definitely out of control. I think you know this, but just don't want to face up to it.

At 5'2, your weight is not "a little over the average," it is on the low side of normal. By trying to lose more weight, and even contemplating trying to starve yourself, means you are putting your health, if not your life, at risk.

Please Pickles, if your current counsellor is not helping, seek another one. Or maybe seek separate counselling for your ED. I seriously think you should start by seeing your doctor and discussing this with him or her.

Best wishes my dear.

Rosebud

I don't think you could actually mean that. Voluntarily vomiting a nice, hearty meal is a BIG deal. Quite the deal, at that. It seems as though you really want to kick the purging habit, but you don't want to face up to the task of actually <i>doing it</i>. If you ever expect to reach any of your aspirations to be completely healthy, then you'll have to face up to the fact that a little mental anguish may be neccesarry to combat this eating disorder, first and foremost. If you don't face up to that reality, then the patterns are just going to repeat themselves continuously. Honestly, it sounds as though a low carb diet is the last thing you need, right now. Keeping food down should be what you're aiming for, before you adhere to an eating plan like this. Talk to your counselor, please.

All the Best,
Steve-o

OKAY.

Everybody's right. Ok. Ok. Ok. I'm sorry. I guess a part of me just wants to deny there is a problem but deep inside I know the truth. *sighs* I talked to my counselor last night about it... she is suggesting that I see a specialist too. So I guess that's it. I've been outvoted.

I just don't know if I'm ready for this.

It seems like everying is pointing you in that direction. SO it must be some cosmic way of saying that you are ready to deal with it. We will always be here to listen.

Definitely get some professional help. I denied that I had an eating disorder for five years and I've done major damage to my body. My doctors constantly are checking me for signs of premature osteoporosis, cancer of the throat from purging, the enamel on my teeth is very weak, and my metabolism has taken a couple of years to get back on track. I'm one of the lucky ones because I admitted I had a problem and sought treatment early, by the time I was 18 years old. Get help before it's too late, you will be SOOO glad you did!

Oh wow.. I can kinda tackle two birds with one stone.. I know all of the above.. I have fought with this problem for.. wow.. 10 yrs now.. (But being a guy ...especially one over 6'2.. most people would ignore it.. I even had some concilers tell me that I dont have a problem.. cause only females do)..Ok...

And I have been feeling kinda crappy lately (today is my re-start day from a 4 week.. off WOE way)..

I just got back some pictures from my vacation last week.. and almost passed out seeing how bad I look..... I really cant believe I look that bad.. (but I know I may not...).. now is the time that I trust this plan.. and others in this forem for support and understanding...

They really do help me with this WOE without berating me, insulting me, or doing anything other than supporting me.. cause they are in the same boat to some degree..

I am sorry.. I know this started with a rant from another.. but all of this just came out as a result.. lol..

I'm really new to this website and I ran across the discussion of this poor soul with an eating disorder - and one that is really struggling. It reminded me of the YEARS it took struggling with this disease (bulimia and anorexia). I started my recovery in 1982 when someone finally gave a name to my illness. I have struggled with it for a very long time, even now. It is so difficult to break out of the insanity and the nightmare that surrounds this illness, and it can't be done alone. It requires tons of therapy, support, heartache, and most likely the use of drugs such as antidepressants. Like alcohol, it is a terrible disease of denial and disgust. Please get help and stop what's happening. However, because most eating disorder type people are perfectionists, do NOT beat yourself up when you fail. It's that kind of stuff that drives one to a binge anyway. It also sounds like you've got the standard "distorted self body image" that comes with the territory. I still struggle with this, but I treat it like it's "stinking thinking." Run and put on a pair of old shorts to prove to yourself that what you're seeing in the mirror doesn't have anything to do with reality. It's a head game you've set up to avoid dealing with something else (chances are, or that's what I would do to myself - and still try to do when things get a certain way in my life).

I'm VERY sorry if I took up too much space. Unfortunately, I just happen to be a pro at eating disorders and recovery too.

I wish you TONS of luck with this - please get help!!!!

DebA