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  #1   ^
Old Mon, Dec-28-09, 21:57
*Sheila*'s Avatar
*Sheila* *Sheila* is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 1,955
 
Plan: Atkins ~ DANDR
Stats: 230/230/150 Female 5 feet 4 inches
BF:it is going down!
Progress: 0%
Location: Cove Texas
Default any others out there with BDD?

Body Dysmorphic Disorder

I am pretty much convinced that I am and probably have been dealing with this longer then I care to admit. I still see the fat chick, while I have people left and right telling me if I lose anymore I would blow away. I DON"T SEE IT! Sure I know I am thinner then I was. BUT.... I don't see the whole your getting too thin. I keep changing my goal lower and lower, cause it just doesn't seem enough.

I am not posting this for attention, for any other reason but to find others who may be dealing with some of this mess too.

How do I get past it? Can I do it without having to see a phsychologist, or is there other underlying issues going on, that is morphing itself into this right now?

Do you see what others see in yourself?
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  #2   ^
Old Mon, Dec-28-09, 22:42
mainecyn's Avatar
mainecyn mainecyn is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 6,011
 
Plan: Atkins
Stats: 242/161/155 Female 5'6
BF:don't u ask
Progress: 93%
Location: Wyoming
Default

Quote:
I still see the fat chick, while I have people left and right telling me if I lose anymore I would blow away. I DON"T SEE IT! Sure I know I am thinner then I was


I have had that same issue. Its getting better. But, I can remember that it took months to see myself in a window outside and say yea, thats me..i was always shocked..when i looked at myself i still saw a "fat" chick. When i shopped for clothes, my mind still saw me needing sizes larger than i did. I knew i had lost the weight, But I couldn't accept that i was smaller..I still have a problem looking at myself. I see FAT, others tell me i am too skinny. I still have moments where i will see myself in my jeans-profile, and go omg, my legs are tiny.
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  #3   ^
Old Tue, Dec-29-09, 06:32
camaromom's Avatar
camaromom camaromom is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 5,280
 
Plan: Atkins/lowering cals
Stats: 187/143.6/135 Female 64
BF:35.2/ 20%/20%
Progress: 83%
Location: Lafayette, IN
Default

You are not alone. I think that this is fairly common.

The other night at work I was talking with 2 other gals. One of them started at the company about 4 months after I did and when I was at my highest weight. She stated that she did NOT remember me bigger at all. That she's only known me "Tiny". Me tiny.

It is funny though because when I was bigger - I remember getting ready for family pictures and thinking Da#% I look good and then seeing the pics and getting a BIG slap of reality.

Denial????
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  #4   ^
Old Tue, Dec-29-09, 08:54
absinthian absinthian is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 207
 
Plan: Modified Atkins
Stats: 297/251.8/150 Female 63
BF:
Progress: 31%
Default

I have concerns about not "seeing" myself thinner also. When I stand naked in front of the mirror i can see the differences from when I was 100 pounds heavier. but I still have a 300 lb mentality, not a 200. I don't know at what weight I will see myself as "normal" (if I ever will).
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  #5   ^
Old Tue, Dec-29-09, 11:24
daisywench's Avatar
daisywench daisywench is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 626
 
Plan: atkins modified
Stats: 225/162/160 Female 5'9
BF:
Progress: 97%
Location: MA
Default

I just posted this in another thread. My mirror still shows me a fat chick. but when I see photos of myself, I can't believe that's me.

I've also come to the realization that being fat wasn't the only reason I was depressed. Because now I'm not so fat anymore, but some of the same lack of confidence issues are still there, and I still have a hard time trusting people.
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  #6   ^
Old Tue, Dec-29-09, 11:35
msmum1977's Avatar
msmum1977 msmum1977 is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 1,172
 
Plan: VLC/Carnivore
Stats: 369/301/299 Female 5'9"
BF:too much.
Progress: 97%
Location: Eastern Ontario, Canada
Default

i think I have the opposite problem. I think I look pretty good, then I see a picture and I'm waaaaay bigger than I thought.

Hopefully this will be an advantage when my physical body starts matching with my mentality...not sure how I would handle a switch in my view point.
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  #7   ^
Old Tue, Dec-29-09, 12:06
tilnxtthur tilnxtthur is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 195
 
Plan: Moderate carb
Stats: 296/144/145 Female 5'5"
BF:
Progress: 101%
Location: Lafayette, IN
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by msmum1977
i think I have the opposite problem. I think I look pretty good, then I see a picture and I'm waaaaay bigger than I thought.


I go back and forth between feeling like I look bigger or smaller than I really am.

I think it's probably a pretty common side effect from weight loss, I don't feel like I need to seek brain-doc help for it unless it becomes something I truly obsess about or unless I'm taking drastic measures to meet my 'ideal' image of what I feel I do/should look like.
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  #8   ^
Old Tue, Dec-29-09, 20:18
crease's Avatar
crease crease is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 594
 
Plan: general LC
Stats: 202/144/135 Female 62 inches
BF:grr, no i FF
Progress: 87%
Location: wisconsin
Default

oh yes, i totally see the fat chic in my head 90% of the time. i complain about how freaking FAT i am when i'm getting dressed, to the point that my 15 year old daughter tells me to shut up in an irritated tone. she doesn't understand that that's what i truly see, and i'm not going on and on about it because i'm fishing for compliments. i am constantly looking at myself in a side view to affirm that no, my gut does NOT stick out farther than my boobs, and holy crap my jeans don't have a big fat roll held back by a zipper.

but, yes, on the flip side, there are those times when i was truly a meatball and thought i looked damn hot when i left the house. i asked my husband last night why he didn't ditch me when i weighed 220 and looked like a beach ball, and why didn't he stop me from leaving the house LOL. i see those pics now and i cringe because i realize how judgemental i have become towards my previously fatter self and other currently fat people. but i keep looking at them so i can A) see how far i've come, and B) stay motivated to never look that way again.

you are totally not alone in this. i have a friend who is going thru the same thing. she's about 5'5 and 125, and considers herself a fat cow too. yes, formerly a fat girl. when we started this journey a year and a half ago, i asked my hubby to tell me if i started to get too skinny. he laughed at me. but i can totally see myself getting too thin because i have this distorted reflection staring back at me. so what's the answer to the question? i dunno. but if any of you guys can tell me how to quash the demons in my head, i'm all ears.
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  #9   ^
Old Tue, Dec-29-09, 20:28
CValentine's Avatar
CValentine CValentine is offline
HIGH FAT!!!
Posts: 4,798
 
Plan: CARNIVORE!!!!
Stats: 191/145.0/137 Female 69 inches
BF:30.3/24.06/not yet
Progress: 85%
Location: The Heart of Texas
Cool

I see this same way...

My waist, legs, thighs, my lower body in general....

I am in constant comparison with the ME of 20 years & 40 pounds ago...

When I liked my body & wasn't fighting to stay under size 14 Women's jean.

I feel I have a pretty face, I am a great Mom & good wife & friend...
I LIKE ME...BUT...I LIKE ME THINNER!!!

(((SIGH))) Constant battle with myself...

Just doing myself to stay consistent with the LC...High fat...Gotta make it happen!!

When I get the weight I want to be, I will consider something to make the extra skin disappear...

Will I ever be happy with the body I'm in...I dunno... ~Cheryl
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  #10   ^
Old Wed, Dec-30-09, 07:15
*Sheila*'s Avatar
*Sheila* *Sheila* is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 1,955
 
Plan: Atkins ~ DANDR
Stats: 230/230/150 Female 5 feet 4 inches
BF:it is going down!
Progress: 0%
Location: Cove Texas
Default Thank you!

Ya'lls replies are bringing me to tears. Tears of relief that I am not on this journey alone, and that there others out there fighting the same fight. HEre is what I wrote over on my blog yesterday.

Quote:
I am facing some difficult choices in my life, on this weightloss journey of mine. Slowly I am working through them, but one of the things I have been dealing with is BDD. Body Dysmorphic Disorder. To briefly describe this without sending you link hopping ( though it is there if you want to read more)


The sufferer may complain of several specific features or a single feature, or a vague feature or general appearance, causing psychological distress that impairs occupational and/or social functioning, sometimes to the point of severe depression and anxiety, development of other anxiety disorders, social withdrawal or complete social isolation, and more.[3] It is estimated that 1–2% of the world's population meet all the diagnostic criteria for BDD (Psychological Medicine, vol 36, p 877).

I truly believe that this is the cause of several things. One, for years I had developed a regular negative self talk. I pointed out every single flaw I have, and then more. I am so superficially critical of myself, in ways that a normal person may not ever experience. Now, I look in the mirror, and I still SEE that same 227.5 pound woman! Yes I know. I am no longer her on the outside, but I still torment myself just the same. Unfortunately she still has her own taunting voice that can destroy me in a hearbeat. I have to stop this! Secondly, I have a hard time visualizing my weightloss as others do. It is different for me. I mean, I may occasionally catch my reflection in a mirror at the store and be shocked, but often then I wonder how that mirror made me look so thin. When I make this comment to friends who may be with me, they are usually all over me like white on rice saying "sheila, you ARE thin.".

This is hard for me to admit, but it is something that I am truly going to have to work on. It is effecting me in many ways, and I dont' want to continue living a life that is always so self seeking, yet never finding peace and comfort within my own skin. Every now and then I have a good day. Every now and then even a good week. Usually when I can toot my own horn, something happens that brings me right back down, usually crashing harder then I have ever before in my life. That is where I hit. Rock bottom. And slowly I am working harder then ever to get back up, so that I can push forward.

Because I can't accurately see where I am, I then begin rethinking my "happy weight". My GOOD goal weight. When I am there, in the right spot, I feel like I am where I need to be. But ... then I look in the mirror and I begin to see that fat gal again, and she is sneering at me, laughing, like it was all some bad joke and I am stuck living the life I hated. Stuck trapped in a body that isn't mine.

This is honestly hard for me to share because there are many people who read this blog. People I work with, parents of students in my class, close friends, even some family. I HATE ADMITTING that I feel like a freak. I hate admitting that I am weak and often don't know if I have it me to fight, yet I know I have to. I mean.. I am supposed to be a role model right? I am supposed to be perfect. I hate knowing that I am going to face some of these people and have to deal with their shameful looks upon me. But I cant' hide anymore. I am hurting. And there are many others out there like me. I want to just lend an ear, and support anyone else out there who may be finding themselves in a position such as mine. It robs me of who I am. Who God intends me to be. It robs me of blessings He is just waiting to bestow on me, but yet I can't see them because I am so self involved and yet feel so worthless to be involved in myself. A vicious cyle. Today, starts my battle against it all.
I have said before that I cant' see the weightloss in the mirror, but alot of times I see it the pictures. MORE OFTEN then NOT.... I see it in the pictures. Recently, I haven't taken many pictures of myself. Maybe that is what has stirred all this up. Honestly, I dont' know how this baught of it has begun, but I wish it would go away. I am going to be doing more research on BDD and spend some time in the Word, in prayer, and focusing on getting throught his hurdle. I dont' care if I cant' jump over it, I just want to be through it. I have to get through it.


And then I even did a video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gw0YI5UKp4I
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  #11   ^
Old Wed, Dec-30-09, 07:20
moondaught's Avatar
moondaught moondaught is offline
Sugar is poison.
Posts: 409
 
Plan: VLC/HF
Stats: 211/128/135 Female 66 inches
BF:More than I'd like
Progress: 109%
Location: Kansas
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by CValentine

I am in constant comparison with the ME of 20 years & 40 pounds ago...



Exactly! And one of the weird parts is that I like the internal me much better than I liked the me of 20 years ago - I'm smarter, sexier, stronger, more compassionate, more peaceful than my 30 yo self was. Liking the external me is not as easy.

When I first gained the 70 lbs. I packed on, I'd catch glimpses of myself in the mirror or windows on the street and honestly not recognize myself. And then I'd be overwhelmed with embarrassment and shame when I did.

Now that I'm almost at goal, I still look at myself with a super-critical eye, and not just at my body size, but at all of the changes that come with aging. I wouldn't treat a friend the way I treat myself; it's really a struggle.

John Mellencamp sang about aging not being for cowards, and man, was he ever right
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  #12   ^
Old Fri, Jan-01-10, 12:59
mainecyn's Avatar
mainecyn mainecyn is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 6,011
 
Plan: Atkins
Stats: 242/161/155 Female 5'6
BF:don't u ask
Progress: 93%
Location: Wyoming
Default

Quote:
one of the weird parts is that I like the internal me much better than I liked the me of 20 years ago - I'm smarter, sexier, stronger, more compassionate, more peaceful than my 30 yo self was. Liking the external me is not as easy.


Quote:



I agree and can relate to this as well. Its odd. I thought for sure that after losing all this weight, I'd like the way i look. However, all i can say is that i like myself inside better. I am happier with myself, feel more confident, happier and smarter, but when i look on the outside (especially naked) I still can't see the positive changes.. I still see those body flaws that seem to be screaming this time instead of a faint whisper. When i was so much over weight i always thought, if i lose weight then i'd like myself, feel comfortable, sexy etc. It didn't come. I'm stilll me, and i still see FAT on the outside which isnt' bad enough, but now tons of flabby leftover skin and stretch marks. ugh.

Quote:
i totally see the fat chic in my head 90% of the time. i complain about how freaking FAT i am when i'm getting dressed,


This is me. I feel like i am dragging all this extra weight around..am convinced at how fat i am until someone will say something to me at work, boy look how skinny you have gotten..then i have to question and say wtf? I will see myself on the video at work and have this huge huge image and see that i am wrong..but then there are other days when the mental picture still overwhelms me and i see a fat slob. Yet, I have friends at work who are 2 or 3 times bigger than i was, and i don't' see them as obese?


there are those times when i was truly a meatball and thought i looked damn hot when i left the house[QUOTE]


I have this occasionally as well, and its damn confusing. On those days i were my "skinny" jeans and i feel ike i am like everyone else..those girls i used to envy adn that i am ok and all my hard work left me with great results. Then, i will get a look from someone, a woman looking at me is worse..i see them look and then i turn red in the face and its like she is telling me who the hell do i think i am, i'm fat and ugly..like i didn't realize what i looked like when i left the house kindda look..the you don't belong etc. It hurts. I know its just me, my mind but its so confusing and wish it would go away.

When do we go from "being" fat when look at ourselves, to "having" fat? I still have "fat" around the middle, more baggy skin than anything!
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  #13   ^
Old Sat, Jan-02-10, 07:15
moondaught's Avatar
moondaught moondaught is offline
Sugar is poison.
Posts: 409
 
Plan: VLC/HF
Stats: 211/128/135 Female 66 inches
BF:More than I'd like
Progress: 109%
Location: Kansas
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by mainecyn
Quote:

a woman looking at me is worse..i see them look and then i turn red in the face and its like she is telling me who the hell do i think i am, i'm fat and ugly..like i didn't realize what i looked like i left the house kindda look..the you don't belong etc. It hurts.


Oh, man - BTDT! But you know what - you'd be truly surprised to find out exactly what they are thinking. A few months ago, we were on our way to Kansas City to visit my in-laws, and stopped by a Wal-Mart to grab salad fixins. As I was waiting in line to pay, I noticed a woman in the next line over staring at me, no expression on her face, and I immediately had that feeling you describe. I wanted to sink through the floor. Suddenly I felt a touch on my arm, and it was that same woman - and she said, "I just had to tell you that you look wonderful - so pulled together, very chic, it all works!"

I thanked her, and she walked back over to her line.

Was I stunned? You bet. And it felt like a big wakeup call, too, in terms of my self-esteem. I *knew* I looked good when we left the house that morning. So why couldn't I carry that with me? Why did I immediately revert to the self-bashing me, triggered by a glance from a stranger? <sigh>

I'm working on it. I really am.
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  #14   ^
Old Sun, Jan-03-10, 13:10
crease's Avatar
crease crease is offline
Senior Member
Posts: 594
 
Plan: general LC
Stats: 202/144/135 Female 62 inches
BF:grr, no i FF
Progress: 87%
Location: wisconsin
Default

i know this wasn't my topic, but i just want to thank every one who has replied. it's comforting to know that each of us is not a freak of nature

i just had an interaction with my boss the other day, and she never knew me as bigger. see, i just cut my hair off - well 6 inches off, so it's chin length now. everyone has been so complimentary about it. i feel weird, to be honest. anyway. i told my boss that i still feel huge and slobby and FAT. she told me i was crazy, that i'm tiny, and wow how weird i am to think that. i just shrugged my shoulders and laughed nervously a little bit. it is what it is, and no one can convince me otherwise. i guess i should just learn to keep those thoughts in my head instead of vocalizing them.
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  #15   ^
Old Thu, Mar-11-10, 10:54
krystalr's Avatar
krystalr krystalr is offline
Induction ≠ Atkins
Posts: 5,886
 
Plan: Atkins
Stats: 270/164/180 Female 69 inches
BF:28%
Progress: 118%
Location: Frisco, TX
Default

I have "good" days and bad days. I'm still working at losing a few more lbs, but I'm past goal.

I get NOTHING but compliments all day long, and every time someone says "you are SO tiny now" all I can think is "uhh...not really". I say thank you can carry on, but when I get dressed in the morning, I sitll see the same person from a few months ago. I was a size 20W, and still see that when I put my size 10 jeans on. I still see the same flab I saw then. I still hate the same things on me that I hated then. I am 100% well aware I am a LOT smaller, but all those areas still look the exact same to me. IT's really frustrating. I try to go shopping to get some cute new clothes, and I always come back with jeans and t shirts. I try on the cute things, but think "that's not made for you" and put them back.

I too hope that this eventually becomes easier.
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