I am writing this here because it is an emotional concern for me. I love the support that we give each other, and I am totally in need of some right now. My husband is morbidly obese. He weighs 400+ (he won't even tell me anymore), wears a size 6X in shirts, won't even wear any pants except for sweat pants because he doesn't want to know what size he has to buy! He is scaring me with his weight. I have talked to him about it, and he is on 5 prescriptions. He sees the doctor regularly, and is monitored for his meds, and everything always reads in the normal ranges. The last time I told him I was scared that he won't be around to see our grandkids, his response was to get off of his ass, when the medication stops controlling his issues, then he will get worried. I told him that if he lost weight, he wouldn't need the medication, and that was the last time I was going to bring it up. I know it made him think because he raised his life insurance policy, and when we bought our new car, he paid extra for the insurance for the car loan to be paid in full if he died. (It is a 3 year loan) he told me that he wants to make sure that if something happened, I would be finiancially set to take care of the kids. Our kids are 15 and 16. He must think that he isn't going to be around much longer. That scares me. The doctor has told him, and told him that he needs to loose weight, and he needs to get in for blood work because 2 of the meds that he is on can cause liver damage and they want to monitor that, but he won't go for the blood work. He told me that he doesn't want to know. He won't go in for a physical unless it's for work, and as we all know, they only check the basics. I can't make him do anything, I have already let him know how I feel, so I am not going to ride him about it, but it doesn't make it easier watching him kill himself from something he should be able to control. His mom is the same way. She is very overweight, on lot's of meds, and she is diabetic now. When she cheats on her eating, she says "my doctor is going to be mad at me", that doesn't even make sense to me. What does the doctor care really? She is only hurting herself! She told my husband if his doctor keeps riding him about his weight, just to change doctors until he finds one that will listen to him.

When I started my low carb way of life, my family's eating changed too. I don't offer huge amounts of rice or pasta to fill out a meal anymore. If you are the family cook you could make some changes that way. Obviously you can't change his behaviour, but you don't have to be an enabler either. So, Don't bring anything into the house you don't think is healthy. (I wouldn't buy cigarettes for a smoker either!) I always make sure there is plenty of food in the house. Nobody can say there is nothing to eat. But there are no chips, pretzels, or cookies. Everyone who wants to snack ends up eating of stuff I approve of or buying it themselves!

I am sorry you are going through such a hard time. You have my sympathy.

I have been working weekends so he is buying all of the groceries. I don't bring sweets into the house normally, I did bake for the holidays, but he buys junk for lunch. I can't help what he eats. He will stop on the way home with junk food too. I am out of it, but thank you for your support.

Sounds rough. I guess the only thing you can really do then is to decide that he can't take you down with him! When my husband gets into the periods where he eats a lot of garbage and refuses to exercise I have to be really careful that I don't join him just because it is the easy thing to do. And at least one of you can model good habits for the children.

That will never happen. I have been through too much, gained too much. Freedom and happiness. I guess it's his loss.

There's the first part of the answer.



Al-anon may help with the second part of the problem. "He should be able to control" is a hugely difficult statement. I would say, "Obviously, he can't." All this botheration is merely his attempt to conceal that fact from himself. One might think that it's hard to hide 400#, but sweat pants are useful that way.

Al-anon, or better O-Anon but it's much harder to find, will be full of real people facing exactly the same question.

And on a brutally pragmatic note: Life insurance is only part of the solution. It is possible to get long term care for him? My company offered it without a physical if you bought it at the first offer. People who bought after the initial period need a physical.

Good luck.

What is long term care? Is it like Aflac?

I think she meant long term care insurance. That would be insurance for the eventuality that one can't continue to take care of one's self. The insurance would provide for aides, or in the worst case scenario, a nursing home.

Hiya 3shewolf8!

You are correct, you canot make him do anything. Given his past behaviors (as you described them to me) this may be his one way of staying "in control." Even if it scres the hell out of him or kills him , he will stay "in control."

I had an Uncle like that, probably the same weight too. He ate whatever he wanted, damn the Dr's, damn theheart problems and damn the diabetes.

I realy truly hope he comes around and starts to take care of himself. For me it took a really good health scare and two close friends, not much older than me, dying. I woke up. I pray he does too.

Also, my DW is much the same. I had a talk with my sister this weekend and I found out my DW is a wee bit jealous that I lost all this weight and she didn't. Yet she does not want to try this WOE because she "can't" give up her rice, bread, bagels pretzels and pop. She also is mentally beating herself up because she is fat (her words, not mine) and feels her self worth is non existent. She is convinced she will be overweight her whole life, that she is weak and a failure. Nothing I say or do helps.

As we talked about in another post, our romantic life is dead and buried. No compliment I make, no act I do (keep your minds out of the gutter ) changes her attitude or disposition. But that is a whole other topic...

Sadly, until your husband deals with some of his emotional, and mental issues he won't change. You telling him over and over will only polarize his opinion to yours. I feel for you and the mental anguish you deal with over this issue. You can bury it and "walk away" from it, but that will only work for a time, then out the issue pops, mad as hell and stronger than ever.

You obviously love him a great deal, and you two have overcome so much already. And that's why it hurts to see him like this. Stay strong and possibly consider seeking advice on helping you cope?

Talk to you soon.

Been talking about it lately with several of my co-workers. As noted--long term care pays for in-home assistance and for nursing homes and other residential options. In general, it pays fairly liberally, according to the policy you buy, for much non-medical assistance, one the named insured has accumulated X days of disability--in my policy, it's 90. My regular health care, and Medicare, will only pay for limited amounts of tangible medically-necessary care, which I may not need in many disabled conditions.

If we all keeled over dead at the first significant health problem, health care would be a whole lot cheaper. It's the long tail that wrecks finances.

LTC is worth some research. In general, you pay a stiff monthly premium that increases the older you get, in return for a committment to pay out some 9X to 13X total lifetime premiums in assisted living expenses, once the named insured accumulates enough disabled time, according to a set of disability tests. The policy you buy will pay a fixed amount per day, and they usually quote something like "$200 / day for five years," but what they really mean is "we'll pay $365,000 total for your care, and the fastest you can use it is at the rate of $200/day." If you use less per day, the money lasts longer. If you die before they pay it all out, well, that's the insurance business.

Good luck. Getting a marriage through the significant change of one partner, even if for the good, is a very difficult challenge. A girlfriend married at 350; she's now << 180 and her husband is being a massive jerk. I don't know if the relationship will make it, and she doesn't want to go back to being big just to stay married.