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  #1   ^
Old Sun, Mar-24-13, 06:28
s-piper s-piper is offline
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Plan: LC Primal
Stats: 290/270/160 Female 5'7
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Default Afraid of getting comments...

I haven't gotten much understanding about this so far.
Most people want compliments on their weightloss, or at least say it's never bad if people comment on a positive change in you.
I, however, was really dreading that for months. So much that it led me to sabotage myself. Now, I really want to lose the weight so I figured I'd just say 'thank you' and move on if it happens, but when I think about it I still have that feeling.

I guess to understand why you need some background on me. I lost weight as a teenager, and kept it off for several years. Then I had problems with severe depression 4 years ago and started gaining...and by the time I recovered it was just so out of control the weight kept piling on.

Well I moved to a new state almost 2 years ago, so pretty much everyone I know has only seen me fat.
No one has commented on it, but if they comment on me losing weight then they are in a round about way commenting on my weight so it's like a reminder of my failure.

Also, I have this idea stuck in my head that they'll be thinking I finally wised up to what everyone else knows.
It doesn't help that I already feel like people in my program think I'm less intelligent than thinner students. No, no one has ever said or done anything to back up this claim. In fact, plenty of instructors have said I'm very bright, so I'm fully aware this is probably all in my imagination. I just hate wondering if someone might think "good for her, she finally gets it!"

I feel like I'll be seen as tainted by having been the size I am now. When I lost weight in high school I felt this way too, and used to never tell anyone who didn't know I used to be fat that I had been. Over 5 years I think I told 2 people, one was a friend who was overweight himself and one was a sales person who figured out that I'd lost weight from stretch marks on my shoulders...and even then I only told her after she told me that she'd lost 105lbs with gastric bypass.
Unfortunately, I don't think this idea is all in my head. There's even science to back it up: http://consumer.healthday.com/Article.asp?AID=665202

I know that I really need to just get over it, but does anyone at least sort of understand where I'm coming from?
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  #2   ^
Old Sun, Mar-24-13, 06:51
ojoj's Avatar
ojoj ojoj is offline
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Plan: atkins
Stats: 210/126/127 Female 5ft 7in
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I'm probably not the person to comment, altho I've had many trials and tribulations during my life. I've learnt that the only way to deal with anything is to draw a line under your past, your previous thoughts and issues and start new today!

Dont think about how things were, just remind yourself that you are lucky, you have been born with two arms, two legs and a head on your shoulders You are as good and as bad as the next person and quite frankly, everyone else is far too worried about themselves to get too in depth about you and your history.

so be proud of yourself and your achievements, be confident in yourself, be strong and ignore your worries, they're groundless

I hope you dont think I'm making light of your problems, I'm not, I'm just trying to explain how I get thru my life and how I've made it work for me!

Jo xxx
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  #3   ^
Old Sun, Mar-24-13, 06:57
s-piper s-piper is offline
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Plan: LC Primal
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ojoj
I hope you dont think I'm making light of your problems, I'm not, I'm just trying to explain how I get thru my life and how I've made it work for me!


No, I don't feel like you're doing that. What you've said is great advice.

It is what I need to do I know it.
I just wondered if anyone else had ever had this feeling like they wanted to lose weight, but weren't necessarily looking forward to people commenting about it.
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  #4   ^
Old Sun, Mar-24-13, 13:56
livinright livinright is offline
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Plan: Atkins
Stats: 264/158/125 Female 64inches
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Location: Florence, KY
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Like you, I don't really want to hear comments about my weight. I didn't want to hear them the first round of low-carb for multiple reasons.
I didn't get any comments from non-family or support people until after I'd lost about 50 pounds. And I think those comments were mostly meant as compliments and to acknowledge achievement. Some out of curiosity.
But the comments got old really quick.When they turned to "you don't need to lose anymore" (well before i reached a healthy weight) and "You're TOOOOO thin" (at goal), I was starting to get pissed. Was it meant as a complement? Were they jealous? Was it because I'd changed the social fat order dynamic? And in some cases, I just wondered if they'd lost their ever lovin mind. I mean, people don't make comments on your weight as you're gaining, or while you're fat. They don't say, boy, you've put on a few the last couple months. Or randomly tell you you need to go on a diet because you're huge. That's just seen as mean and hurtful. What makes them think they can comment on my losses in the same manner?

I started a new job after reaching goal weight. Hundreds of people who only new me thin, and I didn't tell them otherwise. Guess what? They made comments on my weight too. Mostly because, and I quote one guy who said "You eat non-stop, yet you look like you never eat." (This was a random comment by someone I barely knew)
And apparently there's some female competitive dynamic of being the "thinnest" person in the group. Because there were ladies who despised me for no other reason than I was a little smaller than them. I still don't really get that, because unless your weight is causing you ill affects and I care about you, I don't care what you weigh, or who's smaller or bigger. I think it's ridiculous to judge a person's merit on size alone.

As I fell of the wagon and regained weight, almost no one commented. Not even the ones who should have been concerned that the gains were having a detrimental effect on my health and well-being.

As I start to lose again, the comments will start again. From those who are being supportive and acknowledging my efforts, I'm OK with and appreciate that they will mention my losses.
For the rest, I hope they just keep their thoughts and opinions to themselves. They get no input on my weight choices.

Moral of all of that was:
1) People think it's OK to comment on thin, or getting thinner, people's weight. And they do it for various reasons, about half with positive intent.
2) Like it not, we have to deal with people's comments. We don't control what other people say or do. We do control how we choose to react to them though. And I've found that assuming positive intent, goes a long way to not letting people's comments bother me. (A non-weight example: I was working an outdoor dog adoption event on a really hot day. And we were taking extra precautions to keep the dogs cool and comfortable. Some random lady comes by and starts complaining about the fact that we had dogs outside in the high temps. Almost all of the volunteers immediately felt defensive. They couldn't believe this lady would be so nasty, after all we were doing for the dogs, how dare she? Well, the lady didn't see the effort we were putting in. Her message was delivered very negatively. But her interest was the welfare of the dogs. While her message was negative, her intent was positive. Once I pointed this out to the other volunteers, they were less bothered with the woman's comment.)
When the comments come, and they will, ask yourself "What positive reason could they have for saying that?"

And I second what Jo said.
But will add that, for the people who are more worried about me and what I'm doing, than they are about themselves, I really feel feel sorry them. Their life must be pretty empty or bad, for them to give so much focus to me, instead of themselves.

Don't let your fear of what people may or may not say/think, stop you from achieving your dreams and goals. The only opinion that really matters, is your own. Reach for the stars and make it happen.

Sorry, that got very long winded. I'll stop with one of my favorite quotes. "What other people think of me, is none of my business."
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  #5   ^
Old Sun, Mar-24-13, 16:39
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JoanD'Arc JoanD'Arc is offline
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Plan: iDukan, Consolidation
Stats: 174/147/147 Female 5'7"
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Yea, it's a very touchy subject. I won't talk about someone's weight unless they bring it up first. It's like when poeple think they have a right to touch your stomach when you're pregnant. Would you ever walk up to someone and touch their stomach when they'e not? Come to think of it, it would be even weirder if someone touched your stomach and said, "I see you've lost a lot of weight!"

Everyone is too polite to tell me when I have put on too much weight. Yet, they instantly negate that etiquette once they congratulate me on the weight loss. They might as well start with, 'I noticed you were a little heavy....'

Having been up and down lots between six pregnancies, I've gotten kind of used to it and I since actually enjoy telling people about low carb (those comments for another thread), I try to come up with good come backs. Once someone said, "So 'n' so mentioned that you've lost a lot of weight, good for you." Now I'm thinking, great, people are talking behind my back about how big I used to be, so I said, "Yeah, you should have seen me, I was huge." Sometimes I will go the other way, when someone asks if I've lost a lot of weight I will say, "No, just a little, why?"

Now, if they ask how I did it, because they are genuinely interested, I'm more than happy to tell them how much I lost and all about low carb, but I usually start with, "You look great, but if you want to try it....."
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  #6   ^
Old Sun, Mar-24-13, 17:01
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WereBear WereBear is offline
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Plan: EpiPaleo/Primal/LowOx
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The trap you are falling into is to somehow think that you can control what other people say and do. As livinright points out, that's not possible!

Above all, don't let worry or self-consciousness dictate whatever you do. I would start a collection of snappy comebacks; but that's me. You might prefer something less confrontational, like "I've been trying to make healthier eating choices." Or just shrug it off with "Seems like it."

Since you can't just trank-gun anybody you think will make a comment, knowing what you'll say and how you'll react will let you control what you can.
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  #7   ^
Old Sun, Mar-31-13, 22:39
2thinchix's Avatar
2thinchix 2thinchix is offline
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Plan: Atkins
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No advice, but I hear you! I also hate comments on my weight, even when I know they are INTENDED as compliments. For some reason, I generally assume that they are condescending. Maybe from my long term feeling that weight is a "failing" and skinny people therefore MUST think they're better than me. I'm much less prickly about comments from other overweight people, since they're more likely genuine and perhaps looking for inspiration. I just hate the "good for you! You can do it!" sort of crap that implies I'm a failure if I don't succeed. *sigh* - guess you hit a button with me.
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  #8   ^
Old Mon, Apr-01-13, 08:12
Nancy LC's Avatar
Nancy LC Nancy LC is offline
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Plan: DDF
Stats: 202/185.4/179 Female 67
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It sounds like you're projecting thoughts onto other people, which is rarely accurate and often harmful to yourself, as you've found with the self-sabotage. Stop worrying so much about what others think and turn those thoughts into ones of pride, and happiness over your progress.

I know it isn't easy, especially when you're young, but when you hear those thoughts start to sneak into your thoughts replace them with positive reinforcing ones.

Is it also the case that if they comment on your weight loss, that it verifies they had noticed you were fatter? Maybe that was something you had denied to yourself. Yes, you were fat. Yes, people noticed. Yes, you are thinner now. It is okay, 2/3rds of the population is overweight and it is something most of us struggle with. Changes in size happen.
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  #9   ^
Old Mon, Apr-01-13, 10:04
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Seejay Seejay is offline
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Plan: Optimal Diet
Stats: 00/00/00 Female 62 inches
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Quote:
Originally Posted by s-piper
I feel like I'll be seen as tainted by having been the size I am now. ...

I know that I really need to just get over it, but does anyone at least sort of understand where I'm coming from?
Yes, I don't like people commenting on my personal appearance either. I just give people "the look" when they make personal comments either way and now no one ever, ever does. I don't know how that happened. I think it's also because I'm personally quite reserved and don't offer personal experience either. In other words, I don't go around saying I have new clothes or things like that.

it sounds also like it's just bringing up your own negative self talk yet again.
If you're like me, if it reinforces my scary fears, that what's really important.
The fact that other people say or think it just mirrors the original issue - negative self talk.

When you say you need to just get over it, do you have exercises or a favorite plan?
There are really fun ones out there if you look at it as a project to get good at a new skill.

Some I've tried are:

personal positive affirmations repeated many times per day. Like, instead of "I got fat and didn't know what everyone else seems to," turn it into "I used to be heavy but I know how my body responds now."

Stephen Covey's 7 habits and the social mirror concept. http://vimeo.com/21632829

The notion that you can't keep 2 thoughts in your conscious mind at one time. You can only have 1. Every time something negative is thinking, replace it with positive.

Last edited by Seejay : Mon, Apr-01-13 at 11:22.
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  #10   ^
Old Mon, Apr-01-13, 10:33
s-piper s-piper is offline
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Plan: LC Primal
Stats: 290/270/160 Female 5'7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nancy LC
Is it also the case that if they comment on your weight loss, that it verifies they had noticed you were fatter? Maybe that was something you had denied to yourself. Yes, you were fat. Yes, people noticed.



The people noticing part is right, and yeah it's totally that the fact that they notice I'm getting thinner means they're inadvertantly commenting on that I was fat.
The fact that a lot of other people are fat does not make me feel one bit better.
I think the big reason it bothers me is because I've lost weight before, so it's reminding me of the fact that I gained it back.

I confess. I bristled a little bit at the 'something you had denied to yourself' part of what you said because, my reaction to that is, honestly: I'm fat? No #$~, Sherlock!

I'm very, VERY aware of it. Believe me. I've thought I was fat since I was 7 years old. I thought I was fat even when I wasn't.
*deep breath* Sorry, I know you mean well I just don't like being accused of being in denial.
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  #11   ^
Old Mon, Apr-01-13, 10:35
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WereBear WereBear is offline
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Plan: EpiPaleo/Primal/LowOx
Stats: 220/125/150 Female 67
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Seejay
The notion that you can't keep 2 thoughts in your conscious mind at one time. You can only have 1. Every time something negative is thinking, replace it with positive.


It's true. It's amazing. It's something everyone should do.

We don't realize how much stupid stuff we have absorbed over the years; partly because we were young and didn't realize it was happening.

Don't be stuck in what you learned as a toddler, child, and even as a teen. Especially if the people raising you weren't that good at it.

Raise yourself. Do it right. You'll be so much happier.
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  #12   ^
Old Mon, Apr-01-13, 10:58
Nancy LC's Avatar
Nancy LC Nancy LC is offline
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Plan: DDF
Stats: 202/185.4/179 Female 67
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Quote:
Originally Posted by s-piper
I confess. I bristled a little bit at the 'something you had denied to yourself' part of what you said because, my reaction to that is, honestly: I'm fat? No #$~, Sherlock!

I'm very, VERY aware of it. Believe me. I've thought I was fat since I was 7 years old. I thought I was fat even when I wasn't.
*deep breath* Sorry, I know you mean well I just don't like being accused of being in denial.

Sorry I inadvertently pushed a button. Just trying to help. Thanks for forgiving me of my blunder.
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  #13   ^
Old Mon, Apr-01-13, 11:00
s-piper s-piper is offline
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Plan: LC Primal
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nancy LC
Sorry I inadvertently pushed a button. Just trying to help. Thanks for forgiving me of my blunder.


Thanks for not being mad about my bad reaction!
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  #14   ^
Old Mon, Apr-01-13, 11:05
s-piper s-piper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WereBear
We don't realize how much stupid stuff we have absorbed over the years; partly because we were young and didn't realize it was happening.

Don't be stuck in what you learned as a toddler, child, and even as a teen. Especially if the people raising you weren't that good at it.

Raise yourself. Do it right. You'll be so much happier.


Oh, this is so true!
Although, my parents weren't the problem...at least not when it comes to this . They're both overweight, so they were pretty understanding about how difficult it is to lose weight.

I was bullied from a very young age, though, and it's surprising to realize how much it screws you up. The really messed up part is, I realized from looking at old pictures of myself as a child that I didn't start gaining weight until a few years after my peers informed me I was fat (on daily basis!).
It was such a shock to see that I looked like a totally normal kid until about puberty.
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  #15   ^
Old Mon, Apr-01-13, 11:29
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Whofan Whofan is offline
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Plan: Low Carb Primal
Stats: 170/135/135 Female 5ft.6in.
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I don't know if there is anything in my experience about this issue that you can relate to, but at least it offers another perspective - and how we feel about ourselves and our body image is ALL about perspective.

I got the biggest thrill out of people commenting on my weight loss and here's why: I quickly realized that I could sustain a low carb way of eating for life, so what they saw and were so verbal about was permanent. If I had thought I'd yo-yo on this like I had with every other 'diet', it would have been different. At the very least there would have been some self-induced pressure to not only succeed but to stay successful in their eyes or have them pity or despise me for getting fat again. Do you perhaps think that you'll fail?

The other reason the compliments and comments made me so happy was that I had HATED being fat. HATED it. I'd been thin in my teens, 20s, and 30s (albeit with dangerous eating habits, because I'd let it break my heart when a boy called me "fatty" when I was 14). As the weight piled on in my later years I wanted to scream at everybody "This fat old woman isn't ME. I was slim once!". When I started losing weight I felt that people who didn't know me before were seeing who I really was. I mention it because you too had been a slim teenager for several years.

If you REALLY don't want to hear compliments and comments about your weight loss just start 'informing' people about how wonderful low carb is and the science behind it every time they try to compliment you. They will soon stop mentioning your weight for fear you'll launch into another lecture. Trust me on this, it will work. I learned this first hand! Trying to rehabilitate my 'boring' image, I never mention low carb to anyone now unless they ask me specific questions.
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