I keep writing and deleting. Too many thoughts and emotions messing with my head; too many words filling the page to try and explain away my situation. I've finally decided the only thing to do is just say it. I went off plan at the beginning of February. I had been doing so well - steadily losing weight and even though no outward signs of success had shown yet, I was beginning to feel really good about myself. Then my downward slide began with an injury to my hand in late January.Though painful and lasting many weeks, it was just the beginning of a chain reaction of events. Now it is months later, and I have not pulled myself out of this pit. I have gained back several pounds I'd lost. I hurt in ways I would not wish on anyone - not just physically but emotionally as well. It no longer matters why I went off plan - what the situation was, how bad it got, or why it continued. And when I say it doesn't matter, what I mean is, the excuses don't matter. It does matter very much that I let things go so off-course. I ask myself, what is wrong with me? Why is it that I can go 6, 7, 8 days perfectly on plan and then on the 9th day I go crazy? Why is it that I still let my emotions dictate how I eat? After almost 30 years of pain, misery and self-loathing, WHY can I not GET A GRIP and take control of my life? I tell myself it is time. It is time to finally be the person I've always wanted to be. I tell myself this every night. And every day I fall down again.

Years ago when I lived in Florida, I had an awesome doctor. Not long after I turned 50 (and was feeling so old - ha) I was sitting in her office, crying about my inability to lose weight. I remember saying to her, "At the rate I am going, I will be 60 before I lose all this weight!" She said, "So what if it does take you until you are 60? Then you will still have the rest of your life to be healthy and living well." Well, guess what? I will be 60 in 2 months. And I weigh even more than I did that day; more than I ever have before. I am so disappointed in myself. Months ago, I thought I had it figured out. I knew there were obstacles in my way (current health, living situation, etc.) but the one obstacle I didn't see coming was ME. It turns out that I am my worst enemy.

I don't want to continue like this. I need to find a way to pull myself out of this and move on. That is why I am sharing this very painful and private part of myself with you. If it helps someone else get back on track, that would be great. But I would be lying if I didn't say, I pray it helps me get back on track too. Obviously, I'm not going to hit the "60" part of the doctor's answer. But I'm still holding out for the "healthy and living well" part.